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Show Perfect Partner Let us help plan your big day You Best Choice for Wedding Invitations & paper goods 630 West 200 North 753-8875 Page 12 R Views&Opinion Wednesday, Oct. 21, 2009 Balloon Boy: A set piece in five acts emember when we had to wait months to see the made-for-TV movie? No more! Now breaking news and dramatic license have merged in a single stew of live video, expert commentary and rank speculation. What’s odd is how formulaic this new form has become – as predictable in its narrative arc as any dramatization “based on real events” (as TV producers used to say when they still acknowledged the distinction between real events and madeup ones). Act I: The set up Look! Up in the sky! It’s a flying saucer! Or maybe the cover from someone’s gas grill. No, wait – it’s a weather balloon! With a terrified 6-year-old on board! Really? Do we know that? Who cares? We’ve got live video! Act II: The suspense builds We’re still not sure what we’re watching – it looks a little bit like that plastic shopping bag flitting about in “American Beauty” – but we’re hypnotized. Now the caption says, “BOY MAY BE TRAPPED ABOARD BALLOON,” so we’ll want to hear from experts on boys, experts on balloons and maybe someone who’s been confined in a small space. A specialist in childhood trauma says this experience will likely haunt the balloon boy for the rest of his life, assuming he is actually aboard the balloon. Expert No. 2, a veteran balloonist, says it’s virtually impossible that this is the case. No way a weather balloon like the one we’re watching could bear a 50-pound boy to its current altitude. Which means it’s time to go to reporters at the scene for ... Act III: The surprise twist The balloon is drifting gently to the ground ... easy ... it’s down! And the boy is ... nowhere to be found! The only reasonable conclusion is he has tumbled out of the balloon en route. We’ll need experts in wide-area searches and someone who’s survived a big fall. Anyone got a number for Humpty-Dumpty? Meanwhile, let’s go to Denver, where our correspondent is ... What? Really? Inside a box? Act IV: The happy ending He’s alive! Little Falcon (What were the odds his real name would turn out to be even better than “Balloon Boy”?) has been hiding in his parents’ garage, the scamp! Cue the cheering neighbors, the tearful parents! Just imagine their relief! Imagine how relieved you would feel if you thought your child had been borne away by your weather balloon and ... What’s that? You can’t imagine being that negligent? Act V: The recriminations This is my favorite part. Where to begin? How about with the enormous resources squandered on this totally unnecessary search? Let’s start with the hourly salaries of everyone involved – sheriff’s deputies, air traffic controllers, military pilots, etc. (Would they all have stayed home Thursday if little Falcon had remained in plain view?) Throw in the cost of helicopter fuel, delayed flights and the lost productivity of millions of workers who spent their afternoon glued to CNN, and we’re into the trillions of dollars. No wonder we can’t afford health care! And what kind of parents let their kid play with a weather balloon? The same kind, it turns out, who make guest appearances on “Wife Swap.” Do you suppose these nutballs just made the whole thing up? Let’s ask the boy, whose parents have thoughtfully made him available (yet again) to the press. What do you say, Falcon? Was it all a hoax? What the . . . did you just barf? On camera? Geez, son, how about a little self-control? This is live TV. This column was written by Brian Dickerson for The Detroit Free Press. bdickerson@freepress.com Monday, Aug. 24, 2009 Page 14 ClassifiedAds Utah State University • Logan, Utah • www.aggietownsquare.com Student Jobs For more information, see TSC 106, USU Student Employment. 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Learn now, so you don’t pay later! pends on experience 5731 Freelance Writer DOE 5730 Yardworkers $9 5727 .net Developer negotiable 5398 Marketing Team Member 5736 Housekeeper/ Yard Worker 8 hr 5737 Referral 35 On-Campus Jobs C429-96 Mowing $6.55/hr C395-09 S I Leader For Usu 1360 003 $8.00/hr C191-04 S I Leader Usu 1350 001 $8.00/ hr C397-05 Research Technician BOE C005-04 Research Assistant $1500/month C160-06 Substitute Teacher 65.00 - 75.00 C448-07 Customer Service- Tooele Distance Ed 8/hr C337-08 Skyroom Server $6.00 per hour plus Tips C238-97 Clerk/secretary 6.55/hour C097-10 Temporary Substitute Slp $25$35/hr, doe C109-10 Political Science 3000 Tutor $8 C126-10 Teachers Aide 7.25 C296-05 American Sign Lanugage Interpreter $14-$26+ C106-09 Student Support Services Tutor 7.50 + C316-09 Applied Music Instructor C178-10 Office Assistant-research 8.00 C179-10 Statistics 2300 Tutor $7.75 C458-07 Biological Research Technician $10 / hr C134-09 Laboratory Technician minimum $7.25 C203-07 Undergrad Research Assistant BOE C101-07 Graduate Engineering Assistant BOE C350-07 Engineering Assistant DOE c319-09 Gis Ecosystem Analysing $1012/hr C498-09 Undergraduate Research Assistant $8/hr C192-10 Sss Psychology Tutor 7.50 + c208-96 Tutor $7.25/hr C203-06 Manager 3545 Quality Control Internship $14.00 5543 Food Service Workers $7.25/ hr Starting pay 5596 Accounting salary negotiable 5597 Crew Member 7.25 5643 Nanny about 800 a month 5659 Store Associate (level 1) $10 5662 Programmer negotiable 5669 Front Desk/ Graveyard 7.50 5671 Ruby On Rails Web Application Developer DOE 5674 Internet Sales Professional 5689 Nursery/child Care Staff $8-$10 per hour 5663 Real Estate Sales/telemarketing $15$35/hr 5700 Early Childhood Teacher $300/mo 5701 Delivery Drivers/inside Crew 7.25 5707 Nanny Needed Negotiable 5704 Marketing/ Free Estimate Setter 5702 Inside Sales Rep based on experience 0328 Office Worker start @ $7.25 5705 Online Tutor $9-13 5706 Tax Assistant neg 5708 Office Assistant 10 - 14 5709 Fedex Ground Delivery Driver Negotiable 5713 Web Page Programmer depends on qualifications 5715 Insurance Account Executive Negotiable 5714 Exercise Specialist $10.00 5712 Marketing Associate 5711 Recruiting/sales Weekly + Commisions 5710 Marketing Associate commission 5723 Licensed Practical Nurse 14.00 5722 Culinary Associate 9.00 5721 Child Care/babysitter $2.50 per hour 5720 Hip Hop Aerobics Instructor 5718 Parent Tot Teacher 5717 Pfs Agent 5726 Moving Assistance 15/hr 5725 Route Scheduler 100+ per week 5724 Receptionist/public Relations Position 5728 Computer Programmer Based on Experience 5729 Phone Sales Consultant 9.25 plus commissions 5735 Yard Work $8/hr 5734 Tutor -history $15/Hour 5733 Algebra And Precalculus Tutor $15/ Hour 5732 Seasonal Retail Sales Position depends on experience 5731 Freelance Writer DOE 5730 Yardworkers $9 5727 .net Developer negotiable 5398 Marketing Team Member 5736 Housekeeper/ Yard Worker 8 hr 5737 Referral 35 |