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Show Affordable Dental insurance AggieliH Pase 6 Mormon Acronyms RATE: $48/YEAR ORTHO/COSMETIC FHE - Family Home Evening, an activity that usually takes place Monday nights and is meant to strengthen family and friend relationships. INCLUDED NO WAITING PERIOD Denise_Abbott@us.aflac.com 435-757-7834 YW - Young Women's, LDS girls from ages 12-18 CLASS ADS get read. www.utahstatesman. com/classifieds • 2 lbs French Dip or BBQ Beef/pork • 1 tb Potato Salad • 1 Ib Macaroni Salad 8 Dinner Rolls 30 West 700 North Suite B.Logan 752-1287 Monday-Saturday 10-6 Stake Center - A meetinghouse larger than average churches that holds offices for the church stake leadership Mission - 19-year-old boys or older spend two years proselyting their religion and pay to do it. Tute - Short for the LDS Institute of Religion BOM - Book of Mormon, a book of LDS scripture The Quad - The four standard works of scripture the LDS Church uses: Old Testament, New Testament, the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants including the teachings and inspirational stories student singles between ages 18-30) RS - Relief Society, a group for LDS women 18 and older MSA - Married Student Association (primarily for married students between ages 18-30 DI - Deseret Industries, which is like Goodwill Preemie - A young man who has not yet served two years as a missionary but intends to Triple combination - The Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price $13.95 Pearl of Great Price YM - Young Men's, LDS boys from ages 12-18 RM - Returned Missionary MEM. DEMS Wednesday, April % 2008 The Brethren - Reference to the Quorum of the 12 Apostles and the First Presidency, members of church leadership D&C- Doctrine and Covenants PPI - Personal Priesthood Interview EFY - Especially for Youth, a summer week-long program meant to spiritually strengthen church youth VT - Visiting Teaching - Pairs of women visit women in their ward for fellowship and spiritual strength HT - Home Teaching -Pairs of men visit families in their ward for fellowship and spiri- 8-cow-wonuin - Reference to "Johnny Lingo," a BYU movie in which a tribal tradition of 'buying' a bride with cows. Two or three is normal, but Johnny Lingo paid eight for a girl who had been ridiculed as plain. Lingo saw inner beauty and offered eight cows. She then was able to become beautiful outwardly with her self-confidence. MoTab - Mormon Tabernacle Choir WoW-Word of Wisdom P-day - Preparation day for missionaries to do laundry and take a day to relax. CTR - Choose the Right MTC - Missionary Training Center CES - Church Educational System IMA - Institute Men's Association (primarily for student singles between ages 18-30) "Ensign" - Monthly church publication with prophetic IWA - Institute Women's Association (primarily for BRITNEY BRENT photo Information compiled byJP Parrish j An insider's perspective You Know You Wont To I t's much too dangerous to go outside. There are a lot of scary Mormons running around out there - none with horns, but a number are wearing suits or engagement rings. And the blustery spring wind has made it a real possibility that I may get pummeled to death by a fleet of runaway "Books of Mormon" that got caught in the gale force and whipped around in the air until they fell in a heap on my head, killing me in a shower of righteousness - irony is a bitch. Those things look heavy, and I'm just not willing to take that chance. I think these aerial scripture attacks are premeditated - a retaliation for the ongoing, slip-on-our-haphazardly-discarded-beer-bottle ground attack launched by the Godless derelict army. I'd prefer to not participate in any of the violence, so I sit inside, drink my beer or BK BLUE Hudtions Thursday, April 10 5pm at the Spectrum HGGETTE HudUons Friday, Saturday April 11-12 8am-12pm at the Spectrum CHEER fludibons For more info visit TSC 326 or contact Linda Zimmerman at 797-3384 or lindaz@cc.usu.edu tual strength Friday, Saturday April 11-12 1pm-5pm at the Spectrum whiskey, watch TV and catch the fighting out the corner of my eye through the open blinds. Also, I prefer to stumble drunkenly in the comfort of my own home, where I'm close to my bed - I've never been able to tolerate much drunken travel - and I can wear my pants on my head without judgmental eyes probing me. Through my window I see both sides marshaling troops. The Mormon brigades call these gatherings "FHE." I'm not entirely sure what the acronym stands for, but I imagine it involves harsh militaristic drilling. I imagine lots of push-ups. A much smaller amount of pull-ups. Some training in cookiebased chemical agents and the proper way to wire up green Jello explosives. Apparently, the LDS leaders gather at the "Fireside" - very Revolutionary Waresque - to plot "Book of Mormon" bombings and check the progress of their hearts and minds strategy, which, I think, refers to using attractive LDS girls to woo impressionable gentile men over to their side - I might be wrong, but I don't imagine there's really much heart or mind involved in that tactic. All planning for the nonMormon side happens at the bar. It can't be too effective, because after six or seven beers, conversations about military things turn to stories - with an accurate catalog of the night's drink intake - about the last time rebel commanders puked. The non-Mormon army's training, mainly done at house parties, doesn't seem as effective as FHE, either ;it may have something to dp with the shots of Kamchatka Vodka dispensed everiy quarter hour. That doesrft matter much, because dancing to "Soulja Boy" and puking up Beto's doesn't seem like the best way to prepare for battle anyways. Sure, if I had to choose a side, I'd have to go with the rebel bunch. That's what Luke was in "Star Wars." I've always thought of myself as a Luke, rather than a faceless stormtrooper. Better yet, I'll be Han Solo. A rebel in the true sense, who won't stand for the Empire's @£$%, so he fights for the rebels but doesn't totally buy into their plan either. Plus, I'd get to cruise the Millennium Falcon, bang Leia and hang with Chewy I've always wanted an Ewok, but a Wookie would do. Or, maybe I'm stuck inside because I actually am a hellion in the heavily LDS culture, put on house arrest without cause or trial. But after rereading the "Star Wars" stuff, my nerdiness might be a big contributing factor as well. David Baker is a senior majoring in print journalism. Feel free to call him to have beer time together. Comments and questions can be sent to da.bake® aggiemail. usu. edu CRESTWOODS 155 Kmilwoori 7.if> i: W O N Living Learning Community A.B' : San Juan Hal) ; Davis & Jones Halls l.yimmul SN(') \ ()S() |- Kd^ewoml 730 I- NIK) \ Crest»woods [kuh n-veen-yu/i ns] Definition: Low summer Rates! (From $450) GriduaU/Upper Division; Aggie Village -Private bedroom; private bath -Expanded cable; Free High Speed Internet -Air conditioning; Covered Parking (Edgewood) -Washer and dryer in your apartment -Practically on Campus Summit Hall Rit«f laclvdt: : ' k g f a w u la tba LMig Laualag Cmaaalty win >«Wtoaalatl •mmmiikm Mart tftaiag plan Ratarf balaw. Tba Mart aMal piaa am ba a*a* at Uw • Aggia HarUtplaca (Taggart SMaaf Caatar Zai flaar) ffcraHBaal tba u m r . 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