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Show MONDAY, DEC. 6,2004 THE UTA^STATESMAN T>»e Funny Page * J \ TO R PoTHNTlftL B 3 A collection of student-produced & syndicated comics. What'sm\M. ^^^,,,,M., . ^ _ . M BvYflU! Put your best caption here: V1Z-05 "H4E BIKTH OF LOIS AW SUPERMAN'S, FVR5T CHILD J1IR11IK0PSED IDittamaiL BOG... ISN'T TH'S O N t OF THOSe MONC^ CANlSTe^S TH£ BANk? YESI'/tf * HUMAN OPERATOR,. HOW'D YOU EI/0? QETAHQt-0 OF/VIE? Your name & number Take a look at this week's cartoon and put your best caption or gag to this cartoon. Rip it out and bring it to TSC 105 before Wednesday at noon. Only one per person, please. I f your gag is picked, you may win a FREE PIZZA from CALLAWAY'S! ©2005byNEA. Inc. 2 No. Main, Providence 54 No. Malrt7 Smlthfleld PEARLS BEFORE Steve L06K,GOflT, I'M A IT HAS TO 66 WHAT O F A ^ H A M ACTUAUY HAPPWED. LWCOtM. YOU CAtJ'T JUST MAK£ STUFF UP. "#@&# it!" yelled Li Wm-dmged-my-Vol vo-w ith this grocer)1 cart?" rj The power to embarrass is, well, powerful A while ago, The New York Times printed an item concerning an 11-year-old girl who was overheard on the streets of East Hampton, N.Y., telling her father, "Daddy, Daddy, please don't sing!" . The daddy was Billy Joel. , The irony, of course, is that a lot of people would pay BIG money to hear Billy Joel sing. But of course these people are not Billy Joel's offspring. To his daughter, Billy Joel apparently represents the same thing that all parents represent to their preteen offspring: Bozo-Rama. At that age, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. When I was an adolescent, my dad wore one of those Russian-style hats that were semipopular with middle-aged guys for a while in the early '60s. You may remember this hat: It was shaped kind of like those paper hats that some fast-food workers have to wear, only it was covered with fur. Nobody - and I include both Mel Gibson and the late Cary Grant in this statement - could wear this hat and not look like a complete dork. So naturally my dad wore one. The rur on his was dark and curly; it looked as though this hat had been made from a poodle. My dad was the smartest, most decent, most perceptive person I've ever known, but he was a card-carrying member of the Fashion Club For Men Who Wear Bermuda Shorts With The Waist Up Around Their Armpits, Not To Mention Sandals With Dark Socks. ter, except the Metropolitan looked sillier and had a smaller motor - I was mortified. I might as well have been getting picked up by a flying saucer piloted by some bizarre multitentacled, stalk-eyed, slobbermouthed alien being that had somehow got hold of a Russian hat. I was horrified at what my ^ peers might think of my dad. It never occurred to me that my peers didn't even notice my dad because they were too busy being mortified by their parents. Of course, eventually my rather stopped being a hideous embarrassment to me, and I, grasping the Torch of Dorkhood, became a hideous embarrassment to my son - especially when, like Billy Joel, I try to sing. (I don't mean that I try to sing like Billy Joel; I try to sing more like Aretha Franklin'.) If you want to see a flagrant and spectacular violation of the known laws of physics, watch what my son does if we are in a public place and for some reason I need to burst into the opening notes of "Respect" (WHAT you want! Baby I got it!). When this happens, my son's body will instantaneously disappear into another dimension and re-materialize as far as two football fields away. The results are even more dramatic with the song "Got My Mojo Workin'." Yes, parents: In the ongoing battle between you ana your adolescent children, you possess the ultimate weapon: The Power To Embarrass. Use this power, parents! If your children are in ANY way displeasing, you - if they are mouthing off or engaging in unacceptable My dad liked his Russian hat because he behavior - do not waste your breath nagging was bald and it kept him warm; he did not care them. Instead, simply do what Billy Joel and I what it looked like. But I cared deeply. I espe- do: Sing. cially cared when I was waiting for my dad to In fact, I think our judicial system should pick me up outside Harold C. Crittenden use this power to punish adolescent criminal Junior High School after canteen. Canteen was defendants: Judge: Young man, this is your this school-sponsored youth activity designed third offense. I'm afraid I'm going to have to to give us youths something to do on Friday give you the maximum sentence. nights other than vandalize mailboxes; we'd Youthful Defendant: No! N o t . go to the school, and the boys would go to the Judge: Yes. I'm going to ask your mom to get gym to play basketball, while the girls went to up here on the court karaoke machine and sing the cafeteria to play "Please, Mr. Postman" 700 "Copacabana." consecutive times on the 45 rpm lo-fi record Youthful Defendant: NO! SEND ME TO player and dance The Slop with each other. PRISON! PLEASE!! Eventually, the boys would wander in from the Yes, if we were to impose this kind of jusgym, and the girls would put on slow, romantice, we'd see a dramatic drop in adolescent tic songs such as "Put Your Head on My Shoulder," and the boys, feeling the first stir- crime. The streets would be safer; the adults rings of what would one day grow and blos- would be in charge again; and the nation som into mature love, would pour soft drinks would be a happier place. Just thinking about it makes me want to sing a joyful song. Come down each other's pants. on! Everybody join in! After canteen we'd stand outside the Havin1 my BABY! What a lovely way of sayschool, surrounded by our peers, waiting for ing how much .... Hey! Where'd everybody our parents to pick us up. When my dad pulled go? up, wearing his poodle hat and driving his Nash Metropolitan - a comically tiny vehicle (This classic Dave Barry column was resembling those cars outside supermarkets published Aug. 11, 1996.) that go up and down when you put in a quar- Daws World Dave Barry k/HAT?/ I'LL FILL IT W|TH SET IT TO S » A K . . . 1990 Toyota Camry. White/gray interior. Manual 5-speed. Power windows and locks. Cruise. AC. AM/FM/CASS. Very reliable. $1,250. Motivated seller! Robbie 435-2572975 ALL I T KEEP THEM CLEAN Great Deal! Must sell, female contract on Darwin Ave. Nice, new apartment, priced EXTREMELY LOW to sell. Call Shannon at (435) 770-7265 for more details. LOST < FOONb "Wedding Band found on Logan Canyon River Trail in mid-Nov. Call Stokes Nature Center to identify at 755-3239." Dental Hygiene College (new) opening in Sept. 15, in Provo/Orem for 48 students. Out-of-State tuition same as instate. Apply www.UCDH.edu (801) 226-1081 Lost: Mens Gold Wedding Band missing 1/13/05, S200 reward, contact John at 757-7677 MOVIE HOTLINE 753-6444 FOR ma FINE THEN, I'LL r r o JOAJC »N THE SINK. $600 Group Fundraiser Scheduling Bonus 4 hours of your group's time PLUS our free (yes, free) fundraising solutions EQUALS S1,000-32,000 in earnings for your group. Call TODAY for a $600 bonus when you schedule your non-sales fundraiser with CampusFundraiser. Contact CampusFundraiser, (866)923-3238, or visit www.campusfundrasier.com c 2 2 9 7 N. MAIN Surround Sound in all Theaters A Few Good Student Housing Contracts For Sale. Near USU 760-5464 753-8288 www.cambridQecourt.net Friday 0 1 / 2 I/O5 - Thursday O1/27/O5 No Midnight Movies • No shows past 9 pm on Sunday Ladder 49 (PG13) Daily © 6:50, 9:25 Christmas with the Kranks (PG) Daily @ 4:50, 7:10 » Sat Matinees 12:40, 2:40 Flight of the Phoenix (PG13) Daily @ 7:20, 9:40 U T A H - 752-3072 Rdults $3 • Children $2 Cache Uallcy's LUHUIIJ Discount Tlientor cRrnr w n u • GHMF soiivn • GRIM PICIUIU Fi-Mai) 01/71/(15 - Thursday fl 1/77/05 SpongeBob Square Pants Movie (PG) Daily @ 430 • Sat Matinees 12:30, 2:30 Shark Tale (PG) Daily @ 4:35 • Sat Matinees 12:10, 2:10 The Darkness (PG13) FLIGHT OF THE PHOENIX (PC IJ) Daily @ 4:30, 7:00 Sat Matinee % 2:00 SPANGIISH (PGI3) Daily % 9:25 Daily @ 9:45 _ ^ Fat Albert (PG) Daily @ 4:40 • Sat Matinees 12:20, 2:20 Spangiish (PG13) Daily ® 6:40, 9:30 Thursday Night is Student Night! »i£ ID, <miv $2 Shows lielore (i:()0 pin S2 ' MATINEES EVERY SATURDAY! AU thoiw before 6 pm only $21 . . $3 |