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Show Thursday, August 25, 2011 DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE 7 SPORTS B LOG Running with the Bull "The Guide hursday is tradito Nickname tionally the day Reform in College readers will receive my previews of the Athletics" upcoming weekend footby Jake Bullinger ball games that actually matter, but there are no games this weekend. One culture, it should be known more week to wait before as the LSU French-Canadian the season actually begins Rejects or the LSU Creepy with the Murray State at Swamp Murderers. Or, if Louisville clash of titans. you wanted to be more In the absence of real conservative, the LSU Gator football, I have watched Wranglers would work, too. Rule II: An athletic nickabout seven total minutes of another sport they call name must at least have football—for those of us some sort of intimidation who speak American Engfactor. lish, which is the language Good example: LSU of the gods, it's called socCreepy Swamp Murderers. cer. There are many things I Bad example: Youngstown hate about soccer—it's slow, State Penguins. Another the players whine too much, bad example is Utah's and there are too many gymnastics team. The Red draws. But one really caught Rocks meet Rule I, but my eye this week: I noticed violate Rule II on a massive that few soccer teams, inscale. Athletics are built cluding our Salt Lake club, on competition, and that have nicknames. holds true with nicknames. Of course, this led me to Every time a team has the put my foot down and ofYoungstown State Penguins ficially label soccer as the on the schedule, they laugh. worst on-field product in No one takes them seriousmajor sports, but then my ly. On the flipside, Scooby editor made a good point. Doo's team always took He brought up that many Creepy Swamp Murderers American college teams seriously. Illustrations of have horrible nicknames, nicknames and mascots canand I realized this is true. not be smiling, as this ruins Yes, nicknames should be any intimidation. required of college teams, Rule III: Any team that if for no other reason that has an animal as a maswriters like me don't have cot should choose one that to refer to the team as "Balfunctions well as a live mastimore" or "Real Sporting cot. Club F.C. Riviera"—guess Colorado's Ralphie maswhich sport that team cot is absolutely, handsplays—on every reference. down the best mascot in the So, American college sports, country. They take a real biyou have it right by using son and run the damn thing nicknames, but there are a around the stadium before few guidelines that need to every home game. Talk be laid out. about a way to fire up the I present to you a few crowd before the football rules that should be reteam reminds them that the quired of team nicknames glory days are forever gone. and mascots: The key violators of this Rule I: The nickname of a rule are any schools named collegiate athletic program the Wildcats/Bobcats bemust be representative of cause wildcats and bobcats a culturally symbolic item are actually quite small, or within the physical region the Bulldogs because real of your college campus. bulldogs have no violent apThe reasoning behind this pearance, and they too are landmark rule is one simple pretty small. I'm not scared phrase: Geaux Tigers. This of Uga, I want to scratch his is a common phrase in the belly. However, Uga V gets area around Baton Rouge, a pass for biting an Auburn home of LSU. The word player in 1996. If you want "go" is spelled "geaux" to to be called the Bulldogs, embrace the Cajun culture you have to change your of Louisiana, not because all name to the Rabid Bulldogs Louisiana people are illiterand adjust your live mascot ate. But riddle me this: are accordingly. Rule IV: Costume masthere tigers in Louisiana? Is tiger meat used in gumbo? cots are forbidden. Didn't think so. Universities See you in hell, Stanford represent their areas, so the Tree. Same goes for you, nicknames should reflect as Swoop. Also, Georgia has such. For example, if LSU Uga but also Hairy Dawg, wants to embrace its Cajun a stupid man-in-a-dog- T U costume mascot that is just ridiculous. There are some exceptions to this rule, however. Rule IV, Clause A: Teams who are nick. named after a variation of the human race are allowed to have a human mascot that is dressed accordingly So Notre Dame and any school that still has Native American mascots are safe. That being said, the mascot has to be true to the nickname. The Fightin' Irish do have a little Irish guy, but he is not fightin' mad. To be true to form, Notre Dame must have their mascot slamming Irish car bombs in the locker room, fight a redshirt to rough him up a little, and then run out onto the field. By following these four rules, college athletics will improve their verbal and visual representations and further distance themselves from that sport that redblooded Americans call "soccer." j.bullinger@ chronicle.utah.edu Ars University MEDIA SALES GROUP THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH 6 5 3 98 2 53 4 9 JASPER FGS STUD OP I ATE OAT TUNA ER IN GORGONZOLA END I T RHEBOK VEERS PROVOLONE EXES OPULENT RUN GLOBE COROT SLICED CHEESE ATEAT ABOVO CAL TOPLES S CUKE L IMBURGER LORAX INCITE FIBER ENGR MASCARPONE TEED EMU ROS TER ORES DIP BIEBER 8 5 17 9 7 8 9 ANSWER TO TODAY'S PU77LE 5 4 2 I 63 3 7 8 Answers can be found on the website at www.sudoku.com Advertise Visit To) www.umsg.utah. edu improvemyfitnesseyahoo_com Gollum, After His Morning Coffee University FEDLRAL CREDIT UNION cp Free Drawings & Gift with New Accounts! 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