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Show 8 THE DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE BENJAMINA continued from Page 4 rule was authentic. However, he argued that the tree could not be an official candidate because it is not a student. Bettilyon rebutted the accusation, revealing for the first time that Ficus is in fact a student, paying tuition for this semester. It has yet to attend its only class, Reasoning and Rational Decision Making, but nonetheless it makes Ficus an official U student. Ficus Tree, a freshman in philosophy, won all categories of the election, including all Assembly and Senate seats. Despite the lack of education, qualifications, gen- der or working brain, Ficus will now be expected to conduct dayto-day operations of the entire ASUU office in the coming 20112012 year. "As Ficus' chief-of-staff, I'm excited for this next year and can promise a clean-run ship by our President/Vice-President/Senior Class President/Assembly Speaker/Senate Speaker/President of the Botany Club," Bettilyon said. Members of the former winning party, Represent, declined to comment, however former Vice President-elect Tobin Bennion was seen early yesterday crying on a curb and former President-elect, Neela Pack, was seen assaulting and screaming profanities at local flora. Ficus Tree's platform will be to fulfill "more oxygen on campus, elimination of all wood shop courses and a switch from treemade paper to pigskin parchment," Bettilyon said "The ASUU office will be a lot emptier, but I think it will simplify things," said current president Chase Jardine. A preview of Ficus' budget indicated $50,000 toward premium fertilizer and $70,000 toward converting the ASUU office into a lavish greenhouse. Ficus Tree was not immediately available for comment, but in an email responded, "winning." hippie@geocities.com In the Year of Our Lord, Twenty-Leven GOD-GIVEN RIGHT continued from Page 6 Revelers will terminate the march at the Legacy Bridge, firing all remaining rounds in the air in jubilation. Hardy was quick to point out that the participants would fire to the southwest, away from the U Hopsital complex, because, "That would just be reckless." shooter@nra.com UNITING MCI = MOXIEOM'M DIMMEel 1 I Take this ad to the ASUU office to redeem free puppies! Limit3 puppies per student. POWER SURGE Become a Technological Superhero. Technology Education offers flexible, hands-on classes from computer basics to professional certifications in Linux and Apple. Call 801-581-6061 Mention this ad and get 10% off your next class CONTINUING EDUCATION o THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH continue.utah.edu |