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Show Thursday, March 27, 2008 Redux BK bans burger abortion DEVELOPMENT OF A PATTY ly disappointed patrons. The reactions on both sides he Red Herring of the burger debate have been fierce. Customers like As of tomorrow, the option to discard partially formed, tion to enjoy their Whoppers, Margaret Adelson, founder of lukewarm or otherwise non- Double Whoppers and West- the organization "Not A Burgdelicious burgers will no lon- ern Whoppers, with certain er Till the Bun," and whose ger be an option for Burger restrictions owing to unfore- recent Double Whopper with cheese suffered from a debiliKing customers seeking to seen acts of God." "have it their way." "Burgers are not made by tating case of cerebral burger That's right—a new amend- accident," Bernstein said. palsy, have expressed outrage ment to the Burger King Bill of "Customers must be respon- at the amendment. "Unless I can enjoy the taste Rights, the document ratified sible before, during and after and happiness ensured by a in 2002 to guarantee a cus- their purchases." tomer's right to "have it your Under its previous itera- fully cooked, normal burger, way," will modify the current tions, the Burger King Bill of I feel no reason to keep it," charter by imposing a ban on Rights allowed customers to Adelson said. "It's my body. I all future partial-burger abor- freely discard, return or cope can eat what I want with it." tions. with their stunted burgers as Others, such as south CleveThe legislation, passed by each sawfit,under clause four land branch manager Donald Burger King CEO and known of the current charter promis- Ericson, were delighted to see jtro-burger-lifer Larry Bern- ing to "refund your purchase, the legislation finally passed in the late hours of the night. stein, would "revoke a cus- no questions asked." tomer's right to discard the Now, customers and em- "There's no reason to disbeautiful and precious life ployees alike will be forced card these perfectly robust span of a burger based solely to watch deformed and meat- and unique burgers when on malformed appearance or deficient burgers through the there are so many hungry emnon-satisfactory taste." arduous grilling process, mov- ployees and transients willIn a press release sent on ing onto a delicious heaping ing to consume the burger Wednesday, Bernstein stated of lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, as though it were a delicious, his continued commitment onions and sesame seed buns fully formed patty," he said. to provide "customers the op- and into the hands of natural- "As soon as the meat begins to Orion Archibald T REDUX WRITER 1: Start with ground beef, 2: Pack and compound the beef. brown, you can see signs that this patty will become a burger, no question. I think only the most cynical of customers would reject that or claim that there is a difference in flavor between 'retarded' and 'normal' burgers." Further complicating the already murky line of ethics is the increasingly vast group of customers who claim their burgers were mistakes or the result of accidents. Among this group of mostly teenage customers, several programs instituted by Burger King—including early parent interven- 3: Shape beef into round patty. 4: Cook round beef patty. tion, a two-second after plan and drive-thru abstinence— have done little to curb rates of burger disposal. Teenager Diana Farnsworth, who recently opted to abort her "mistaken" BK Stacker to adopt her cousin's unwanted Whopper Jr., said she "shouldn't be punished for mistakes or accidents." "I never asked for this burger," said Farnswroth, who reportedly ordered a Tendercrisp Garden Salad while inside the Vacaville area Burger King for "recreational purposes." The Mental Health Association in Utah is DAVE proud to announce the: 1 6th Annual Walk for Suicide and Violence Prevention IVWTTHEWS- Saturday. April 26th Sugar House Park BAND MUSANA W To Register Call: 801.596.3705 11:00 AM to 2:00 PM www. mhaut.org 5: Assemble into burger, use bun and garnishes. "I don't know how I could have possibly eaten a BK Stacker—it's ' too much for someone my age." Despite the known occurrence of accidents, branch manager Ericson expressed little sympathy tor unwilling customers. "These are perfectly good burgers, and no longer will we have to silently watch as a good burger goes to waste simply because a customer wishes to select more 'fun' options such as a larger order of fries or chicken nuggets," Ericson said. "A customer knows what they're doing once they enter the door." Among programs in legislation to aid in customer acceptance and coping with handicapped burgers are plans for reduced rates on the addition of bacon, cheese or other prosthetic and cosmetic options to make every burger "taste and appear as delicious as the next," according to a recent Burger King press release. Pro-choice activists, such as See KING Page 8 Amphitheatre AUGUST 27th * ' i i H s ; ' i Vj ) - : ^ _ . • ,, . Special Guest ROBERT EARL KEEN • •<' "• • J ' n v ? -. --^•s, v •;,• '..>•*; T E _ Oi-r;' .*\OA( Can End Up as $5K! Let Signature Show You The Ins & Out$ Of Summer m Sales ON SALE SATURDAY - 10AM 801-266-71Z1 Tickets at aU Smith's Tbt Outlets, 467-TTXX. 1-600-888-TTXX www.smithstix.com, E Center Box Office www.utahsummersales.com www.davematthewsband.cQm Work Hard. Earn Big. Play Fast. 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