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Show Thursday, February 7, 2008 Redux Dear Gabi Cabi Gasron REDUX ADVICE SPECIALIST Dear Gabi, Valentine's Day is coming up, and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm alone, unsatisfied, and I just don't know how I'm going to make it through another "Singles Awareness Day," Am I the only one that hates this holiday? Romantically Retarded Dearest Emotional Short-bus Passenger, Rest assured, you are not alone in your distaste for the Hallmark holiday that has brought about many a binge-eating session. Valentine's Day is, hands down, the worst holiday ever. Flag day pulls a close second, but at least that day allows you the possibility to string something up a pole other than the tattered remnants of what was once your capacity for human connection. Stop me if I get too bitter. I'm not just speaking from a place of personal bias. There are some universal reasons for the overwhelming lacklusterousness of V-Day (among them, that it often holds the possibility of becoming VD-Day, if you're not careful). First and foremost, through no fault of its own, Valentine's Day happens to land in February. In Utah, this month is the calendar's equivalent of those terrifyingly unfamiliar pair of crusty gym socks you found wadded under the driver's seat of your car four years after buying it used. Valentine's Day is gloomy because no one wants to share his or her love when trapped in a hopelessly inverted valley. That's why everyone in Los Angeles is divorced. Second, Valentine's Day's proximity to President's Day (my favorite holiday) is ludicrous. It steals the thunder of Washington's cherry tree, Lincoln's winning hat/beard combination and FDR's spinal paralysis. If you prefer giving out cards and candy to making construction paper silhouettes of our founding fathers, then you hate America. EVENTS KEEP SALT LAKE COOL Finally (in case all that wasn't enough to send you to the rest room vomiting the 3 pounds' worth of candy hearts you have undoubtedly consumed), Valentine's Day is an affront to the true meaning of romance. An annual dash for a box of chocolates and a $5 card that plays Captain and Tennille isn't romantic—it's sad. The worst part about Valentine's Day is that it's an obligatory reminder of something we should be doing everyday, every moment, for those we love. If it were up to me, Valentine's Day would be obsolete. We would have 364 other days to cherish the connection we share with our fellow human beings, without raising our glycemic index. Dear Gabi, I'm considering buying a pet for myself. I'm only home for a few hours a day, but I would really like a little creature to keep me company. What do you think I should get? Sincerely, Up in the Air About Animal Adoption Dear Up in the Air Animal Adopter (Isn't that a Jefferson Airplane lyric?), Here are the top five easily neglected pets, in no particular order: Cat. They are generally low maintenance, especially if you teach them to use the toilet and eat the neighbor kids. They are also great if you enjoy being ignored and nonverbally mocked, or if you don't ever plan to wear black clothing again. Chinchilla. Because mink is expensive. Guinea Pig. These little guys are great because whatever your alcoholic roommate doesn't manage to urinate on in a drunken stupor, your guinea pig will. Tarantula. Because secretly, we all want to be terrified to sleep in our own rooms. Snake. Because how else are you going to get rid of all those other pets? g.gaston@chronicle.utah.edu 9 p.m. The Paladium (615 N. 400 West) continued from Page 5 Formed in 1996 in Orange County, Calif., RX Bandits in Cartoon Motion, rests most- blends punk and reggae guily on the contagiousness of its tar with "a lot of trumpets" single "Relax, Take It Easy" and complex time signatures. and its Air Supply-influenced In addition to paying its dues keyboard melody. on The Vans Warped Tour, the group has hit the road alongside The Format, DESA Feb. 13 and Gym Class Heroes—exRX Bandits amples of a dedicated work Si8 continued from Page 6 for his title. As is normal with comic operas, much hilarity ensues. Besides the symphonies and the opera, there arc plenty of events for everyone in the Once Upon a Time festival, mostly centering on the Cinderella story. The UMFA on campus is hosting an exhibit entitled "Cinderella: Masks, Magic and Mirrors," and Ballet West is putting on its own production of "Cinderella." For those not particularly interested in "Cinderella," the Pioneer Theatre is putting on a production of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." The Salt Lake City Public Library will be screening Jean Cocteau's 1946 classic, "Beauty and the Beast," as well as host- letters® chronicle. utah.edu Gift certificates starting at £ Knot so Kneat (30 minute session) a $IO Saving Certificate* can be packaged in our very own Nalgene bottle. Foothill Village *^ Sugar-house 8oi.58Z.Oy52 8O1.467.6988 l|OO S. Foothill Drive 2670 S. 2Oth E., Sle 208 (Upper Dttk K B ten Dan 1 & SleinMart) (Hnt to \Un-cnd near Cactut & TropicaU) www.kneadamassage.com \~S AR of air teuton utduir Omt to amult mthjow thtnfntt, ntm qnrf pi on and yffthi mai^rtaUt. W ^ oro«tfirco«»n A tree of wvw. My nf. Oe iml if i cavuwon «>» a^ ^n<tf1^n (Ktur 23- For more information on the Once Upon a Time festival, visit utahsymphonyopera. org or call 801-533-NOTE. c.franke@ chronicle.utah.edu EVERY TO LIVE ROCK MUSIC '!k OUNGE! TUE-SUN FEATURING BrRp.GE BQ'VE FEB 1 - 1 7 25i WIN&Z - 12 FLAVORS! BBST PIZZA M TOWN! t/THEFR/ENPS • THE PARTIES • THE GAMES BEST 21 IN TOWN Sponsored by THii-SUN GET A ROOM! UtahsHomes.com WiWe've Got What You Knead ing a series of free concerts and cartoon exhibits based on fairytale themes. And for Mozart's ever-ready fans, the U's own Opera Ensemble will be performing scenes from complete fantasy "The Magic Flute" on Feb. 22 and MESQUITE'S#1 PARTY PLACE! ethic that helped land the band a spot at the 2007 Bonnaroo music festival. The Bandits' latest effort, their fifth full-length album, is titled in reference to Romantic poet laureate Lord Byron, and continues the group's characteristic evolution of sound. Look for them to be playing much from ...And the Battle Begun at the spacious club, the Paladium. m.walsh@ chronicle.utah.edu Although "Saturday's Voyeur" pokes fun at the LDS religious component of Utah culture, Richardson, a member of the LDS church herself, continued from Page 6 says the show's humor is more encompassing of the political said. "So, I think they're look- and cultural quirks exclusive ing for that comedic delivery." to Utah. Although Black considers "Having spent the last four Liberty One Real Estate going into an audition with a years out of Utah and coming prepared joke as "a little un- back, this is a weird little bubusual," Richardson said she ble we're stuck in," said Black, WWW. likes it. Both are aware of the who recently returned to Salt weight this single audition Lake City after serving in the carries. Search all the homes for sale in U.S. Army. the MLS Download your Free "There's also the pressure "That's the key word: that most of the people that 'stuck,'" said Richardson, a buyer and Seller reports. Tons of have been doing 'Voyeur' have Connecticut native. "I feel free information Even apply for a been doing it for years," Black that way when I'm here. I home loan. said. feel very free when I'm not in Call Us Today. 801-671-3645 "And it's hard to get in," Utah." w'ww.utahshomes.com Richardson added. For those Utahns wishing to "They pay pretty well. If liberate themselves through you can get into 'Voyeur,' you comedic satire, the 2008 "Satbecome one of the people at urday's Voyeur" will open June SLAC," Black said. "It's their 4 and run through Aug. 10. most popular show of the seaa.gregory@ son." chronicle.utah.edu STUDENTS GO PROFESSIONAL FAIRYTALES SET TO MUSIC i RESORT • CASINO - GOLF • SPA MESQUITE, NV 800.21.OASIS |
