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Show OPINION Friday, March 30,2007 Page 6 Anti-Mormon DVDs are pointless W hen I first moved here, a friend invited me to a steakhouse. It seemed like ,an odd request. He said there would be a dance. Sounded nice, though I wondered if my NICHOLAS : T-bone would be PAPPAS : served before or after. You guessed it. He meant stake house. I hadn't had dinner and was looking forward to beef. The dance was fine. This was my first encounter with the Mormon culture. Of course, it would be followed by numerous others. There'd be children telling me I'd go you-know-where, but they were children. As I aged, there would be more intolerance, girls who wanted me to convert and 3.2 percent beer. It doesn't matter. Intolerance only makes the wise more tolerant. Some of the - best people in the world are those who rose above the label of minority. The girls were nice, but there are less religious fish in the sea—maybe even a few with Darwin legs. And 3.2 percent beer . is a great chaser for straight whiskey. — With General Con, ference beginning this weekend, a mysterious group has been doorbell ditching. Instead of flaming bags of poo, they are leaving DVDs. Though not ](|as hilarious, they have been causing a bit of a stir. The DVDs are called "Search for the Truth." I'm sure it will be discussed briefly as fathers take their sons to ChuckA-Rama or Olive Garden after the proceedings. The DVDs are about 90 minutes long and delve wholeheartedly into all the things wrong with f Mormonism. Inconsistencies, judgments, etc., etc. Who cares? As bad as Mormon rhetoric can be—as much as I hate the religion's stance on homosexuality and premarital sex—even worse is a group of enlightened bashers sitting around a dinner table. They put on their brisk, intelligent voices and spout off the same old complaints about living in the bubble. Sometimes they get so flustered their pinkies almost touch their wine glasses. It's boring. It's all been said. Nothing is going to change. It has been claimed by those handing out the DVDs that hundreds of thousands will be distributed to Utah families and others around the nation. This will lead to only two things. The first is the DVD showing up on the porch of an LDS family. They will grumble a bit and immediately throw it in the trash. Not environmentally friendly. The second is even worse. They will appear on the steps of "freethinkers." The DVDs will be watched by nodding —— heads. Those people will then take their newfound knowledge and wander the city, practicing more intelligent hatred. So you're a nonMormon in Utah? So you've been criticized for your lifestyle? So what? Religion wasn't invented by Joseph Smith. Intolerance has been around since man first believed he was actually important—and im- J o you're a non-Mormon in Utah? So you've been criticized for your lifestyle? So what? Religion wasn't invented by Joseph Smith. ~^~ mediately decided he was more important than everyone else. I love Utah. I'm not going anywhere. Sure, every once in a while I'll have to put up with a crazy law or an intolerant ass (read: Chris Buttars), but it's worth it. In one state, I can snowboard in the backcountry of the canyons; I can go south and see arches unlike anything in the world; I can sit among miles of salt and see perfect reflections of the mountains. Mormons aren't so bad. They make good ice cream. They're prepared for a three-month catastrophe. And they have good taste. They settled here. People should spend less time producing pointless DVDs. If you ever feel the need to go off on another boring rant about Joe Smith and historical inaccuracies, take a deep breath and'go outside for a while. It will help you remember why you're here. letters@chronicle.utah.edu ft- To VvMM-J KURT FRANCOM/77ir Daily Utah Chronicle Let the people decide what to do about public education M el Gibson's famous shout in "The Patriot" has been on my mind in recent days: "Why should I agree to trade one tyrant 3,000 miles away for 3,000 tyrants one mile away?" Our Founding Fathers fought with vigor and blood that political power ought to rest in the people. Patrick Henry cried angrily against British tyranny, "Give me liberty or give me death!" This idea of democratic self-determination lies in the hearts of'all Americans. Except, of course, in the Utah Legislature. Poll after poll after poll shows that a large majority of Utahns care about public education more than any other issue. A recent Dan Jones poll showed that 56 percent of Utahns do not want their tax dollars going to fund private schools. Despite these numbers, which members of Utah's Legislature know in and out, they passed a bill—by one vote—that would provide funding for private schools. Utahns don't want this. But, as usual, the Legislature ignores the public will. In response to this undemocratic behavior, a group of citizens called Utahns for Public Schools organized a petition campaign to place a JAY RICHARDS referendum of the voucher bill on the ballot. This would allow all Utahns to vote if they want their tax dollars going to private schools. All U students ought to support this initiative. Almost 96 percent of all students attend public schools in Utah (the highest rate in the nation). This new voucher law is going to cost hundreds of millions of dollars for private, mostly religious, schools. This is money that could be used to help Utah's public education system—which spends the lowest amount of money in the country on its kids. Voucher proponents state that the voucher bill will help low-income Utah families. If this is true, why don't they have the support of low-income organizations? Why aren't there droves of poor people crowding the Legislature in support of school vouchers? The answer, obviously, is that vouchers will NOT help people living in poverty. The bill gives an average $3,000 voucher per year to parents who send their kids to private schools. One of Utah's top private schools, Rowland Hall, charges $12450 for kindergarten through fifth grades and $14,710 for sixth through nth grades. After a $3,000 dollar voucher, parents wanting to send their child to Rowland Hall would have to pay more than $9,000 for the remaining tuition. How many low-income families can make up that deficit? Plus, the voucher bill does not proVide any money for transportation of low-income kids. Low-income parents, already possibly juggling two to three jobs, will not be able to transport their kids to the school without help—which means more funding. The petition drive is under way until April 9 and U students should get out there and help with the drive. To help, contact Utahns for Public Schools at info@utahnsforpubli cschools.org, or call 268-2161. Let's let the people decide if their tax dollars should fund an ill-equipped program. Not the Legislature. Editor's Note: Jay Richards is the Volunteer Director for Utahns for Public Schools. letters@chronicle.utah.edu A P R I L FOOL'S The legendary lost dispatches from Satan's ass S TART TRANSMIT RECIPENT: FORMER . READERS. CC: MR. PIPER. SUBJECT: MATT, YOUR NAME SOUNDS LIKE A SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS REPUBLICAN CAT. Matthew, Before you resume judging Calendar (and our less-than-luxurious living accommodations), know this: It's better than Baltimore. STOP. Or East New York STOP. Or the A&E Section. STOP. Indeed, when looking for a new home, Baltimore, East New York, The Chronicle's A&E Section and a FEMA Trailer were the four options the Witness Protection Program had to offer. Ergo, Satan's Anus. Hey, the public schools are good and rent's cheap. STOP. Here's where you come in, Mr. Piper (not in "Satan's Anus"—but, then again, what does a Calendar know?) STOP. Imagine Calendar's surprise when one day—out of nowhere— our boy 'Pac rolls in brandishing a rolled-up copy of some "JIVE bulls***-bulls***!" Ah, The Chronicle. STOP. Long story short, there were two headlines we noticed (well, three if you count "President Young eats baby, few surprised"): (Pause) But at least we had a good time, right?" STOP. Needless to say, s*** went down. We had to bounce. STOP. 1) Opinion editor elected janitor in chef of Chinicle" (ya'll need to get on that copy editing bandwagon— seriously). 2) Anniversary of Calendar's termination—mediocrity goblins dance through LNCO Building. STOP. We got fired? For real? Nah, didn't hear 'bout that. STOP. Called in and told the truuf: "(EXPLETIVE OMITTED)—and also, your grandmother might want to look into buying a new vacuum. What more do you need to know? What more can we let you know? Moral of the story is this: Unicorns don't take well to editorial sodomy. Matthew Piper, on the other hand... STOP. OK, deep breath-..Piper...man...we came all the way up here to ask you a simple question: Can an old Calendar learn new tricks? Or, at least, meet some? What's rent like in this hood? We came to get down. Can we get in? STOP. Andifnot?C'estla'bia. Alas, poor readers, we knew you well—all seven of you—and we're sorry for hosing you. But sometimes when you've been married for three years, you wake up, roll over and there it is: a dying Gila monster next to you still in a dehydrated post-coital fetal position, and you don't remember how it got there. Herr Brunhilda: The feeling was mutual. We had to leave you. Your sister has all her marbles. STOP. Oh, and those crumbs on your shoulder? We put 'em there. Zen is a bread man. Seacrest Oouuut! KIM PETERSON/ The Daily Utah Chnnidt |