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Show ARTS&ENTERTAINMENT Monday, October 9,2006 Page 4 ARTS Monday, Oct. 9 Left for Dead and The Independents Tickets sold at door 9 p.m. Burt'sTiki Lounge (726 S. State Street) Spinto Band, We are Scientists and Art Brut Tickets sold at door 1 7 p.m. In The Venue (579 W. 200 South) 1 Man of La Mancha $2O-$23 • 7:30 p.m. Hale Centre Theatre (3333 S. Decker Lake Drive, West Valley City) Tuesday, Oct. 10 "Look at the beautiful model in the background. It's a Gehry design." "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning" ups the production value ante this time. Like a Shakespearean tragedy Everybody dies in this pointless rehashing of 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' Aaron Allen . The Daily Utah Chronicle "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning" is a crime against humanity. Every print should be gathered up and thrown into a giant bonfire from which a howling skull of smoke would erupt. This film is gruesome waste, made without wit, without imagination, but with plenty of contempt for the undiscerning teenagers who will buy enough tickets opening weekend to give the studio a good return. This is cynical moviemaking at its worst. It made me angry. So very, very, VERY angry. Before you write me off as a snooty, prejudiced film critic who turns his nose up at anything that could be alternately titled "Teenage Slaughterhouse Bonanza," let me tell you that I liked the last "Texas Chainsaw" movie. It was a remake of the 1974 original and starred a fetchingly terrified Jessica Biel. Directed by Marcus Nispel and written by Scott Kosar, it elaborated on the "Chainsaw" myth with gore-tastic style and— Or that the demented sheriff more shockingly—actually told a from part one (R. Lee Ermey) story. The same can't be said about isn't really a sheriff—he actually killed (killed!) the this dark, dismal, real sheriff and wandering wallow "The Texas took his place? in depravity, diChainsaw Massacre: Surprising. rected by Jonathan The Beginning** And would you Liebesman, who New Line Cinema have believed that made the murky, Directed by Leatherface's mask dopey, killer Tooth Jonathan Liebesman was actually skin Fairy movie "DarkWritten by Sheldon Turner torn off a man's face ness Falls." He and Starring: Jordana Brewster, unless you actually his screenwriter, Matthew Bomer. got to see him rip it Sheldon Turner, Taylor Handley, off said man's skull go the prequel Diora Baird. R, Lee Ermey in excruciatingly route with this new and Andrew Bryniarski graphic detail? "Chainsaw," atRated R/84 minutes Perhaps not. tempting to explain Opened Oct. 6. 2006 Do we need to how that hulking Zero out of know or see these meat sack named four stars things? No. No, no, Leatherface came no. N-O. No. Whatto be the cannibalistic, chainsaw-wielding maniac ever happened to mystery? This who is the bane of every unlucky, film was made by and for people backwoods-driving, horny teen- with tiny, pathetic imaginations. All the stabbing, dismembering, ager's existence. bludgeoning, disemboweling and Among the valuable insights bleeding is front and center. It is and revelations, would you have only incidental that characters guessed that Leatherface worked with names and vague personaliin a slaughterhouse prior to the ties share the screen. massacres? The entire original conceit is Whoa. simply an excuse to tell the same story again. I'm not kidding. The exact same story. Four teenagers—two guys, two girls and not a brain among them—are on a cross-country road trip. Each character is given piddling little character traits in the first 20 minutes or so. Car is wrecked. Leatherface and Co. descend. Endless screaming and torture ensues. No effort was made to revitalize the formula. Instead of Jessica Biel's breasts in a tight, white Tshirt, we get Jordana Brewster's butt in blue jeans. I'm not asking for the filmmakers to reinvent the wheel here; I'm asking for them to treat their audience with respect. Horror sequels are usually the same thing over and over and over again, but even "Friday the 13th Part Eight" relocated the mayhem to Manhattan. "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning" does nothing special to earn its violence. It ends when all the possible victims are dead. What a repugnant, bleak, pointless exercise. a.allen@ chronicle.utah.edu Hello down there... 'Employee of the Month' vacuums the last scrap of substance out of Jessica Simpson—not to mention a cavernous premise Aaron Allen The Daily Utah Chronicle "Employee of the Month" is the sort of dim-witted comedy that was not meant to win Oscars, but allow me to submit to the Academy, in the category of Best Supporting Undergarment, Jessica Simpson's bra. I can see the bra now, walking to the podium, teary-eyed and feigning surprise. "I'd like to thank my director, Greg Coolidge, who so abundantly displayed the goods I was carrying. I'd also like to thank Jessica, but let's face it—her performance was as flat as I was bo"Employee of the Month" Lions Gate Films Directed by Greg Coolidge Written by Don Catame, Chris Conroy and Greg Coolidge Starring: Dane Cook. Jessica Simpson, Dax Shepard, Efren Ramirez, Brian George. Harlan Williams and Andy Dick Rated PG-13/103 minutes Opened O c t 6,2006 Two-and-a-half . out of four stars somy! Oh, snap!" Simpson plays Amy, the new cashier at Super Club, one of those members-only, bulk-discount stores that specializes in 10-gallon drums of mayonnaise— for those 10-pound bowls of egg salad, I guess. The writers don't give Simpson many lines, which is fine by me—as evidenced by this and last year's "Dukes of Hazzard," she has all the natural acting talent of a VW Bug with really great headlights. In one scene, she has a conversation with a co-worker in which the view cuts back and forth between their talking heads. You don't have to look closely to "0K r Harlan. Rock, paper, scissors for who's a bigger has-been." Dane Cook notice that her close-up is shot argues with Harlan Williams in "Employee of the Month." from a slightly higher angle, giving prominence to that plunging Cook) to get with the program so source. She and the charmingly neckline and the bountiful hills he can get in her pants. His only juvenile Zack are more of a match. that lie within. It's certainly not competition is the smug Vince In the end, do you think it really a crime for filmmakers to empha(Dax Shepard), a bleached-blond, matters to her if Zack is Employsize the sexuality of one of their showboating cashier who juggles ee of the Month or not? There's a stars—Hollywood is founded on produce in the checkout lane for lesson to be learned here, kiddies. such a principle. It's just the fact a wowed audience of lascivious Pay close attention. that Simpson as an actress and ladies. He's been Employee of the Shepard is good as the dastardAmy as a character have nothing interesting to offer other than Month for 17 straight months— ly Vince—he's thoroughly despione more win would secure him cable in an oddly likable way. He what's blindingly obvious. a place in the annals of Super has a bout with a swiveling chair But back to the plot: Rumor Club history and fast-track him to that's chuckle-worthy. has it that Amy only "gets with" management. Cook reins in the profane comthe Employee of the Month, Amy would have to be stupid to edy he's known for and creates a which motivates scruffy slacker want to have anything to do with Zack (played by comedian Dane the slimy Vince, but consider the to SIMPSON Page 5 Eoin Colfer Free 7 p.m. The King's English (151 I S. 1500 East) CSS and Ladytron $15 in advance/ $17 at the door 8 p.m. The Depot (400 W. South Temple— at The Gateway) "Book Klub Kaffe Klatsch: An informal evening celebrating our freedom to read and discuss literature." Free RSVP to shen.jardine® hngsbury.utah.edu '7:30 p.m. Kingsbury Hall Let it burn! Fergie's The Dutchess is a bridge worth burning Marshal Hogan The Daily Utah Chronicle Jon Stewart of Fergie "The Daily Show" The Dutchess has it easy: Put William on any clip of the Records current adminisOne out of tration speaking five stars its routine absur• dity, and the audience is sure to be in stitches. That's about how I feel reviewing Fergie's debut solo album, The Dutchess. It's the type of album that writes its own review. All I need to do is point out few lyrical gems, make some easy comparisons and my work here is done. But isn't Fergie entitled to a fair review, just like any other artist? Yes.. And no. Fairness would require that The Dutchess be treated to a review that is as superficial and mind-numbing as its lyrics, beats, concepts and themes. So this is a fair review. Let's just start with the first track, the title, "Fergalicious." See F E R G I E Page 5 |