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Show Monday, January 23, 2006 ™DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE And the genre devolves further 'Underworld: Evolution' ought to suck out its own blood "Underworld: Evolution" And so we pick up where we left off at the end of the first "Underworld"— Selene Screen Gems (Beckinsale), the sexy vamDirected by ten Wiseman Written by Danny McBride, press herself, has just killed based on a story by Len Wise- the vampire leader and her mentor, Viktor (Bill Nighy), man and Danny McBride Starring: Kate Beckinsale, after he betrayed her...or Scott Speedman, Tony Cur- something. Evidently, there's still some ran, Bill Nighy, Derek Jacobi sort of war going on between and Steven Mackintosh the vampires and lycans Rated R/105 minutes (werewolves) and Selene, a Opened January 20, 2006 vampire "death dealer," is tryOne out offour stars ing to keep a tenuous peace... • or something. Chris Bellamy Now she's on the run, along Chronicle Writer with her lover and confidante, It must be tough for Kate Michael (Scott Speedman), a half-vampire, half-Lycan. So Beckinsale. It's plainly obvious to any- with a devil-may-care attitude one who has seen both of the and the wind at their backs, "Underworld" films—in par- Selene and Michael take off on ticular this dreadful new se- all-new adventures through quel—that the brainchild be- the gothic outback of a pseuhind the series, Len Wiseman, do-metropolitan wasteland. is simply an awful filmmaker. But despite Viktor's deBut poor Kate is married to mise, there's new danger on him, so no matter how many the horizon for our heroes. of these movies he decides he We are told through a series of wants to make, she has to keep clumsy flashbacks of a plot insaying yes! volving a power-hungry vamp named Marcus (Tony Curran), his imprisoned werewolf brother William and their father, Corvinus (Derek Jacobi). No need to worry about why a werewolf and a vampire are blood brothers—trust me, it's just not worth it. Marcus' plan involves freeing his brother, who has been locked in a tomb for about 1,000 years, and then creating a new master race—a combination of werewolf and vampire. To clarify some of the more confusing plot details, Wiseman employs a litany of flashbacks showing scenes from the original film, which is only a vain attempt to mask what an inept storyteller he is. The truth is I might even be getting some of these details wrong—but I can't be blamed because Wiseman's storytelling is so shoddy, it's impossible to keep up with everything that's going on and even harder to care, It has been reported that Wiseman plans the "Underworld" series as a trilogy, which means we will probably be subjected to one more of these things. For Beckinsale's sake, I hope this is the end. Wiseman and his writing partner, Danny McBride, seem to think they've created a legitimate sci-fi mythology worthy of attention and/or a cult following. The reality, however, is that the "Underworld" series, with its cold and generic visual style and bland dialogue, is just another in a long line of bad vampire movies. It may think it's something different, but it is sadly mistaken. If you loved the original, then by all means, be my guest. But "Underworld: Evolution" is worse in every way, from its poor special effects to its confusing action sequences to its lame excuse for a plot. Let's just say there's a reason that the studio didn't let critics see it until 10 p.m. Thursday night. "Look at my helmet. Have you ever seen such a beautiful head c.bellamy@ adornment? Have you? Huh?" A soldier hangs around and waits for his chronicle.utah.edu enemies in "Underworld: Evolution." LETTER FROM A CONCERNED FAN Calendar family reunion—bring your own moonshine Monday Jan. 23 Dear Steve, Dear Calendar, SAVE 20-70% OFF Local Restaurants, Entertainment & More! Visit us at wwwMtahsbestcom UNIVERSITY OF UTAH UNION PHARMACY Olpin Union Building, Rm. 156 Monday - Friday 9am - 5:30pm Closed Daily 1:30pm - 2:00pm 587.3363 • 587.3375 Fax I have recently become consumed with genealogy. My doctor tells me this is not a real disease, despite my assurance that I am afflicted with "genealogitis." He says he "went to medical school," and I "did not," and therefore his opinion is more valid than mine. I fail to follow the logic. Regardless, sir, I believe that you and I are related. I myself have a day planner for a head and cannot, for the life of me, remedy my sarcastic impulses. These truths, in addition to the fact that I was raised by the wild Yel- lowjackets, playing at Sheraton City Center (150 W. 5 0 0 South) at 7:30 p.m., tickets at the door, as I know you yourself did, lead me to believe that we are kin. Brothers, perhaps, if not distant and far-removed cousins. I would love some verification of my hunch, and I can promise you that if we do indeed share tainted blood, many a seasonal greeting card full of good wishes shall find its way into your public mailbox-like receptacle. Anxiously awaiting your response, Steve Olson /& WOMBN THB1R Need Cash for The New STORIBS Donate Plasma atBiomatUSA. Earn $60 your first week with U of U ID. Earn up to $220 plus bonuses per month. TKiiiK ,ou SHOULO HEAR THEM. the abortion diaries a new documentary by penny lane attond a FREE •crwnJnj Note: Steve Olson did not actually write the above letter. It ^^pndqu^stionsforJeff and Jenilyn, The Chronicles advice columnists. ad\ice@chronicle.utah.cdu WITH you. UOQB oolor DV l a t t o r b o x &O:OO In honor of the Annhrvrury.of Ro« v. Wad* Our relentless and scientific approach to familicide has resulted in the extinction of our kind-much to the pleasure of the FBI and various other national security agencies. Still, we are but a Calendar and therefore not infallible. We're close to infallible, but not quite all the way there. If, in your searching, you find that you are actually related to us, please send your formal address, telephone number and a detailed schedule of times when you are defenseless and at home, so that we may...consult...with you on your discoveries. Happy hunting, Calendar icefromboth Mars and Venus? INTRODUCING yOU TO ABORTION In The Venue ( 5 7 9 W. 2 0 0 South), 7 p.m., tickets at the door. "In Search of Our Common Ancestors/' at the was fabricated for satire and should not be assumed factual Main Library (210 E. 4 0 0 South), 6 p.m. Discounts for students and employees not covered by prescription insurance. WHO WANT TO SHARt Calendar regrets to inform you that, nay, we are not kin. How do we know? Simple-since we were but a young and rascally kid Calendar, we have systematically fed all our relatives to The Suicide Machines, playing at '. Port Thtatre f 2 M 9. Fort Douglu Blvd.) Jan. 23 -7:00pm. For location mop: Brought to you by Studtnta for Cholc« 10>/T>lAf<JES.C0M GEICO. A15-minutecall could save you 15% on car insurance. Hours: M,W,F: 7-4 T,H:10-7 Sat: 8:30-3 GRIFOLS Biomat USA, Inc. Caring for people's health. 606 West North Temple, SLC 801-531-1279 MATHESON LEADERSHIP SCHOLARSHIPS Open to students of ALL Majors who are Entering their senior yew in Fall Semester 2006, Application Deadline: March 3, 2006. For more information contact llic Hinckley Inslilulc of Politics al 581.8501, OSII 253, or visit www.hinckley.nlali.edu HINCKLEY INSTITUTE or n.umcs $25,000 IN SCHOLARSHIPS Scholarships include: Robert H. Hinckley Scholarship Abreha Clarissa Hinckley Scholarship John & Anne Hinckley Scholarship Scott M. Matheson Leadership Scholarship Snazo Community Scholarship Olene S. Walker Scholarship APPLICATION DEADLINE March 3, 2006 Hinckley Institute of Politics OSH 253, 581.8501 www. hinckley. Utah, edu |