OCR Text |
Show Friday, September 2, 2005 DAILY UTAH CHRONICLE A deafening boo 'The Sound of Thunder' earns high marks in utter failure, stars Baboonasaurus Rex "A Sound of Thunder" Warner Brothers Directed by Peter Hyams Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenhehner and Gregory Poirier Based on the short story by Ray Bradbury Starring: Edward Burns, Catherine McCormick and Ben Kingsley Rated PG-13/100 minutes Opens Sept. 2, 2005 Zero out of four stars Ben Zalkind Chronicle Asst. A6-E Editor If director Peter Hyams' "A Sound of Thunder" hovers anywhere near its alleged source, Ray Bradbury's short story of the same name, then our Bradbury either stands guilty of crafting the single most derivative plot mechanic in Earth's history, or he's a genius, and his original "changethe-past-and-you-irrevocablyalter-the-future" idea deserves lauding. "Thunder's" unrivaled idiocy, atrocious computer imagery and alphabet-soup dialogue yield the most thoroughly entertaining film of the year, not to mention an essential and delightful edition to anybody's Worst Movies Ever collection. The year is 2055, and thanks to an incomprehensible technology leap, we can now safely travel back in time. For some reason, Time Safari Inc. (seriously...), a company that specializes in providing the wealthy overweight with guided cretaceous hunting safaris, has sole control over this knowledge. When a trip goes awry—in other words, a client steps on a butterfly and irreversibly alters the course of time—the historical evolutionary effects compound a million fold, Earth's entire temporal fabric shifts, and "Thunder's" world is sent into tumult and hilarity. Packs of vicious baboon/ raptor hybrids—or, Baboonasauruses, if you will—start appearing, along with killer thorn bushes, behemoth bats "No, Ryer, that ain't thunder-that 'Whaah-whaah" signals the end of our careers." Edward Burns and Ben and periodic time waves that, Kingsley lament their turns In "A Sound of Thunder." inexplicably, impel evolution to the next illogical stage and mick and Edward Burns. Every imagined evolution- magically materialize? What threaten to transform humans Maybe we ought to just ary advance in the film—in- are time waves? Why do they into pallid, fish-like bipeds. blame it on the script, whose cluding the plants—invariably arrest everything to slow moNo joke. dialogue sounds as if Hyams' consumes human flesh, and tion sequences? Answers, in this case, are It seems nearly inconceiv- screenwriting team construct- "Thunder's" shoddy concepable that Hyams could tease ed it using refrigerator mag- tual, temporal science doesn't like production values, and even make sense. Why do "Thunder" has neither. such atrocious performances nets. out of the once-reputable Ben bzalkind@ Needless to say, "A Sound of time waves wipe out some species and cause others to Kingsley, Catherine McCor- Thunder" waxes ridiculous. chronicle.utah.edu Hazardous waste 'Transporter 2' delivers nothing more than a trunk-full of crap "Transporter 2" 20th Century Fox Directed by Louis Leterrier Written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen Starring: Jason Statham, Amber Valletta, Matthew Modine, Allessandro Gassman, Katie Nauta and Jason Flemyng Rated PG-13/100 min Opens Sept. 2, 2005 One-and-a-half out of four stars Aaron Allen Chronicle Writer In the first "Transporter" (yes, there was a first one), Frank was a no-nonsense, impeccable stunt-driver, transporting parcels, bank robbers, bodies in duffel bags—no questions asked. He lived by a strict set of rules: Never change the plans, no names and never look in the package. If he was backed into a corner (which happened more often than not), he unleashed a closeted fury of kung-fu choreography. Frank (Jason Statham) was an interesting character, and while "The Transporter" still wasn't a very good movie, compared with its brain-dead sequel, it's "Masterpiece Theatre." "Transporter 2" (there's no "the" in the title, lest the movie get bogged down in wordplay) jettisons all the nuances and loopy humor that made the first one kind of fun in favor of impossible plotting and outrageously stupid action sequences—outrageous even by rictJ see fiere Movies Opening on ?/?/05 domination."Transporter 2" Actually, it's a thriller about drugs, murder and Directed by Louis Leterrier Coolest. British dude. conspiracy based on the EVER. Jason Statham stars John Le Carre* novel. Ralph once again as Speedy Deliv- Fiennes stars. (R) ery on steroids. Watch for the sequel next year, in which he kicks down Mr. Rogers' door and beats Prince Tuesday to next Wednesday. (PG-13) "Underclassman" Directed by Marcos Siega Nick Cannon plays an "aw shucks" junior detective who goes undercover at a private college to investigate criminal activity—for example, the campus bookstore's giving you two pennies and the finger for a math book that robbed you of 120 bucks four months ago. (PG-13) "The Constant Gardener" Directed by Fernando Meiretles In a world where dandelions prowl and tulip bulbs need planting, One Man must constantly tend to a garden that threatens yard "A Sound of Thunder" Directed by Peter Hyams Time-traveling hunters Edward Burns and Ben Kingsley wander off the beaten path and alter our future for the worse—screeching monsters, gloomy skies and some dinosaur baboon hybrid that eats palm fronds... (PG-13) "Asylum" Directed by David Mackenzie It's "The Bold and the Beautiful" in a mental asylum—a nuthouse that lodges dozens of inmates who no doubt went mad watching "The Bold and the Beautiful." Ian.McKellen and Natasha Richardson star. (Not rated) "Deep Blue" Directed by Andy Alastair Fothergill the silly standards set by the first picture. It's one thing to parachute from a crop duster onto a moving semi-truck, as Frank did in the original—but at least it's theoretically, physically possible. In "Transporter 2," Frank drives his car off a ramp, flips upside-down, scrapes a bomb off his undercarriage by nicking a crane, flips back over, and lands safely—just as the bomb explodes! His train of thought just prior must have been fascinating: "Hmm...bomb on car...oh, look, a ramp...and a crane up there...but I'd have to be up side-down...yeah, I could do that." Or consider the scene in which a very naughty nurse (Katie Nauta) fires twin uzis at Frank, and he shields him- Byatt and Michael Gambon narrates this ocean documentary. Watch for the scene in which he gives an inspiring speech to his disheartened crewmates...until a shark pops up and bites him in half! Sweet! (Not rated) "Rize" Directed by David LaChapelle An outrageous dance style called krunk is on display in this documentary by MTV vet David LaChapelle—the same director that made Christina Aguilera look like an STD in her "Dirrty" video. (PG-13) "Harold and Maude" Directed [Ashby by Hal Why do we shrug off Hollywood romances between 70-year-old men and 20-year-old women, yet still get weirded out when it's switched around, as in this one-of-a-kind film? Check it out this weekend at the Tower. (PG) Compiled by Aaron Allen v "Visit the Utah Museaum of Fine Arts. Admission is FREE with a valid U-Card self with a wooden door. Now that's a neat discovery—look out next year for a line of bulletproof armor in all sorts of wooded varieties. The plot itself is hardly worth discussing—the movie spends far too much time dwelling on it. It has something to do with a kidnapping and a virus that's spread when the infected breathes on someone. If the villain's plan were a success, wouldn't he eventu- Yeah, so I was walking down the hallway, and I says to Lucille, I says, ally be infected, too, even if he "is my clothes burned off?" And she was all like, "Yeah, your clothes is fled to Columbia? Ever heard burned off." Amber Valletta turns up the thermostat In "Transporter 2." of trade winds? And if Frank does get his hands on the antidote, how would he know who's infected and how wide- tion-scenes on. sary only because it bolsters spread the virus is? Only one of those scenes is appreciation for the first one. We shouldn't be thinking good—an inventive fight in- Or save your time and watch about stuff like this. volving Frank, a room full of neither. The plot is absolute gar- baddies, and a limp fire hose. aallen@ bage, a clothesline to hang ac"Transporter 2" is neceschronicle.utah.edu Gooooooaaaalllll! Utah Soccer kicks off this weekend! <i Be there Saturday and Sunday at 1 p.m. at Ute Field. Ranked in the Top 30 nationally in preseason polls and widely predicted to win another Mountain West Conference title, the wildly successful Utah Soccer team kicks off its home season this weekend with two games. The Utes face off against UVSC Saturday at 1. Then, on Sunday at 1, the University of / Idaho is slated for a boot/ . ing. Be there for all the action both days at Ute Field, located just east of the HPER Buildings and north of the Annex Parking Lot. Students get in free with your U Card. /« For Sale I found my speakers in The Chrony Classifieds. Now my neighbors hate me. Students advertise in the classifieds for 6 0 % off. Call: 581-7041 UTAH SOCCER Enter the Red Zone. |