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Show * m • niF SUMMER UTAH CHRONICLE ARTS&ENTERTAINMENT M o n d a y , J u n e 20, 2005 Your mother was a Calendar and your father smells of elderberries June 20 Monday We're not so sure about you, but this wasn't such a great weekend for Calendar. For reasons we can't accurately explain, Calendar never really was too fond of Father's Day. It might have something to do with the fact that when Calendar was nothing more than a wee lad, we watched as our dear old dad was eaten, digested, discharged, and then eaten again by the Ravenous Poo-Eating Hyenas of the African Grasslands. It might have something to do with the fact that, prior to his demise at the hands of the hyenas, our father was a ruthless bastard who regularly beat Calendar with rat carcasses and subjected us to incalculable hours of torture watching reruns of "The George Lopez Show," further perpetuating the stereotype that George Lopez is funny. It also might owe something to our own deep-rooted hatred of all things Hallmark, but the point is, the day dedicated to the man whose sperm bore us is somehow bittersweet. The day is bittersweet, we mean, not his sperm...although, we suppose... "I swear, this never happens...! must be really nervous or something." 'Castle' casts sumptuous visual spells "HowVs Moving Castle" and "Final Fantasy." Machines Walt Disney Pictures built out of belching steam and spare parts roll down the streets Written and directed by Hayao and lumber through the skies. Miyazaki Based on the novel by Diana WynneTwo nations are at war, but who's who and why are never made Jones Featuring the voices of: Christian clear. Witches and wizards are Bale. Emily Mortimer, Jean Simmonsfeared and admired. and Hilly Crystal Howl (voiced by Christian Bale) Rated PG/119 min is one such wizard—feared by most for his supposed tendency Opened June 17,2005 Three-and-a-half out of four stars to eat the hearts of beautiful girls and admired by beautiful girls for pretty much the same reason. Aaron Allen Sophie walks down the wrong Chronicle Writer alley one day, but is saved by Howl, who is running from gooey, Director Hayao Miyazaki's ani- amorphous monsters. Howl sees mated films exist on a special, something special in the down-onmagical plane, untouched by the herself Sophie, prompting the jealusual singing beauties and danc- ous Witch of the Waste (voiced by Lauren Bacall) to put a curse on ing teacups. Miyazaki relies on full-blooded Sophie that transforms her into a storytelling and stunning worlds creaky 90-year-old woman (voiced of beautiful, hand-drawn ani- by Jean Simmons). mation. His 2002 Oscar-winner, Embarrassed by her wizened "Spirited Away," told the story of a appearance, Sophie leaves the scared little girl who became wis- city. A friendly scarecrow shows er, tougher and more courageous her the way to Howl's moving after a supernatural journey full castle, a monstrous building that of bizarre creatures, both friendly roams the misty countryside on and fearsome. all fours. Sophie climbs on board His latest film, "Howl's Moving and begins an adventure that deCastle," vaguely follows this trend. fies logic. Its story has the joyful, unsettling Pixar wizards John Lassetillogic of a dream. ter and Pete Doctor head up the Sophie (voiced by Emily Mor- English production and translatimer) is a lonely seamstress tion of "Howl," as they did with working at a hat shop with her Miyazaki's previous films such as glamorous, cosmopolitan moth- "Spirited Away" and "Castle in er. They live in a city that exists the Sky." somewhere between H.G, Wells Animation is so much easier and more convincing to dub than liveaction (see "High Tension" for an abominable example—on second thought, don't). Mortimer and Simmons deliver apt vocal performances. However, Bale (the Caped Crusader in "Batman Begins") sounds a little too husky for the lithe Howl, and Billy Crystal, as a wisecracking fire demon, sounds too much like, well, Billy Crystal. It's distracting at first, but moviegoers will get used to it. For the first time in a Miyazaki film, the delicate balance between story and spectacle leans more to- It's difficult to get involved in a story that s in a constant state of flux. Cool, we're getting fired now for sure. Regardless, Calendar has never found much reason to celebrate on Father's Day. We cry, we drink too much Peach Schnapps, we eat ice cream and sardines...at the same time...and generally get tossed about like an overly emotional dinghy adrift in an ocean of selfpity. It's a deep ocean. With lots of tropical storms. And sharks. Big sharks. With sharp teeth. Don't make fun, or we'll kill you. Luckily for Calendar, over the years we've come to find that there are at least two or three other people in the world who hate Father's Day with as much passion as we do. Two such people are the Hacienda B r o t h ers, whose father died tragically in a freak burrito accident (came asada, gasoline, salsa verde...don't ask). Come check out what all the chorizo is about tonight at Ego ( 6 6 8 South State St.) at 8 p.m. for $7. June 21 Tuesday Oh man.Jhe chorizo. Somehow Calendar even makes breakfast sausage funny. Our father would be proud, if he weren't so dead. He'd also be impressed with what a mature, appropriate Calendar we've become. Since he last saw us, as a kindergarten Calendar throwing pudding at our classmates, we've come a long way, baby-we throw feces now, thank you very much. But sometimes our snide asides and slanderous diatribes get Calendar in a bit of trouble. We're wanted for everything from small-arms trafficking (not guns, but the actual limbs of little people...you'd be surprised how much demand there really is) to high treason (Literally: We were stoned, and we made some comment along the lines of, "If Calendar were running this country, we'll tell you what we'd do with the presidential Bush.,.hey dude, pass the bong."). No joke, Calendar is in some hot water these days. The heat is getting hot. Actually, it's getting hot, hot-don't believe us, come witness for yourself the Hot Hot Heat tonight at In The Venue (219 S. 6 0 0 West) at 7 p.m. for $15. The titular castle in "Howl's Moving Castle," Miyazaki's follow-up to "Spirited Away." ward eye-popping visuals than coherent plotting. The recurring allusions to "The Wizard of Oz"—a helpful scarecrow, a missing heart, Howl's lack of courage—are halfbaked ideas at best. Their world is always morphing and the rules are always changing. It's difficult to get involved in a story that's in a constant state of flux. If the story is merely satisfying, Miyazaki more than makes up for it with his dazzling animation prowess. Howl's castle alone is worth the price of admission, but audiences are also treated to vast, Victorian cityacapes, shape-shifting wizardry and war-torn battleships. Although "Howl's" plot suffers from too much nonsensical whimsy, the fabulous aesthetics ought to convince any doubtful viewer that old-school, hand-drawn pictures still possess enormous imaginative power. aallen@ chronicle.utah.edu In fact, Calendar has so many warrants pending for our arrest and/or full body cavity search that we've undergone unimaginable amounts of plastic surgery to render ourselves unrecognizable to all federal agents. At one time or another, Calendar has looked like everyone from Val Kilmer to Kermit the Frog, sometimes with little pieces of both thrown in for good measure (because, as everyone knows, Kilmer would be sooooo much better-looking with little green frogs' legs). Currently, Calendar resembles something of Frankenstein creature: We have the head of Robert Smith from the Cure and J o h n Brown's Body, tonight at Park City's Suede (1612 Ute Blvd.) at 8 p.m. for $15. Now, if you'll excuse Calendar, we have a plane to catch...if our mother calls, tell her we fled the country. THESHINEBOX I'm not a journalist, but I play one on TV Give a man a fish, and he can eat Sure, Penn was great in "Mystic Rivfor a day. Give a man an Oscar, and er" and all, but we could have gotten he'll start to think he's qualified to the same emotional intensity from cover international politics for a ma- WolfBlitzer. jor metro daily newspaper. Penn was even better in "Dead OK, so maybe that's not quite how Man Walking," but I think Peter Jenthe old saying goes, but it does seem nings would have been much more to be the overriding philosophy be- believable in the role. And even I hind The San Francisco Chronicle's could have played the stoner Jeff hiring practices these days. Spicoli from "Fast Times." Acting's Recently, the Bay Area paper hired not that hard. Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn as a Penn should get the word out to reporter for a "special assignment" all his celebrity buddies: journalism on the elections in Iran. Naturally, is fun—and easy, too! Forget years his performances in such films as "I of experience and ethics training; all Am Sam" and "Fast Times at Ridge- you really need is a Hollywood camont High" prepared him for his reer and you're on your way to the new role as a pseudo-journalist. I Pulitzer Prize. mean, once you've played a mentalWe need to see more of this. I think ly challenged person and a stoner, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie would the next logical step is to report on fill in nicely for Anderson Cooper global politics. and Paula Zahn. I mean, they're more Now that Bob Woodward and Carl famous, so they must know what Bernstein have been thrust back they're doing. And how about this: into the national spotlight in light of Instead of Thomas Friedman's op"Deep, Throat's" coming-out party, ed pieces in The New York Times, it's only prudent to ask: Who needs the editors give his weekly space to Woodward and Bernstein when George Clooney. He is so smart. you've got Sean Penn? In fact, I think we should go even After ah1, journalists and actors are further. I think celebrities should pretty much interchangeable, right? infiltrate all aspects of professional What, just because he's politically outspoken and has been to the Middle East a few times? Docs anyone at the paper actually believe he can be a fair and unbiased reporter? The fact is, I work at a college newspaper, and even I am more qualified to cover the Iranian elections than Sean Penn. At least I have a high school diploma. Chris Bellamy Political opinions, however selfrighteous and half-assed they may journalism—clearly they have the be, are one thing. They're just opinqualifications. ions. But when these people's heads I'd like to see Sean Penn go under- get so big they think they can be cover and become a political infor- something they're not, that's when I mant. All he needs is a clever euphe- have problems. mism for oral copulation and he'll be Last week, a reporter asked Roball set. ert Redford whom he thought "Deep But I kid the celebrities. I kid be- Throat" was. Because, obviously, cause I love. And I kid because Penn having played Bob Woodward in a and others have gotten way too big movie, Redford was the clear authorfor their proverbial britches. I'd like ity on the matter. to ask a practical question of Mr. Redford's pearls of wisdom? "(I) Penn: Who the hell do you think you figured it probably had to do with are? the FBI." How is it that a high-school dropThanks, Robbie, you really cracked out-cum-award-winning actor has the case. somehow become qualified to have Whether it's Martin Sheen living his byline etched on the front page vicariously through the president he of The San Francisco Chronicle? plays on TV or Sean Penn pretend- l ' d l i k e to see Sean Penn go undercover and become a political informant. All he needs is a clever euphemism for oral copulation and he'll be all set. ing to be a real journalist, these ce-1 lebrities need to stick to what they do best. They're not political analysts, they're not journalists, they're not authority figures. They're celebrities, and they need to be put in their place. The next thing you know, over-thehill action movie stars from the '80s will start running for governor. cbellamy@ chronicle.utah.edu |