Show -- Sunday Morning ahr 5ult gakr iTribunt 7 can see it you'll think about it that if the new interest was what really mattered to him the man's one wish where his -wife was concerned would be to get her k 4 4 out of the picture instead of retaining 4 4 - :ii I the legal and social side of his relations )o-4aimaillialtill' with her and keeping his new love under cover 7:1 4 NI t44 t i' For the most part though when a 4 4 man cheats on his wife he has a definite and conscious sense of grievance against — her and feels there's no way of getting 6 square except by putting somethingover on her He may not know this is why 04 414 he's doing the thing of which he's really 1 1 1$ ashamed but the revenge motive is there 4 and can be brought to the surface if you know how Let me tell you of three cheate 4 ' ing husbands I've known and the griev)k 440 ances that led them to deceive the women 4 - Al to whom they'd sworn to be faithful One man complained of his wife's playing "schoolmarm" to him though he have realized before he married The marriage experts say might her that she had different standards there's little likelihood that from his She thought his old friends a marriage will crack up if were vulgar criticized his language and and particularly disdifferences that arise are his table manners his idea a good time which of approved discussed freely frankly was an evening of beer and poker He grew bitter at her setting herself up as superior to him and that bitterness was what made him fall for a woman who was ' : 'sN everything that his wife was not She Nti171 was plump and jolly loved the kind of ‘ ' jokes his wife thought coarse and t ei boasted she could drink any man she 1 '' e(::4 ) knew under the table Thfs man ' Y respected his wife and in his way loved her much N more than he did the other woman but : 1 11:J:701001: he had to relax now and then (or thought — he had to) and a double life appeared to 7 11'4' -him to be the only way out cA -4- i k es Another's grievance against his wife (:-: was quite different and even more :: rfybitter She was what is known as the : s' maternal type and from the time her first baby came made her husband feel 1 that his only place in her life or the child's was to make Money for them lie --- would come home in the evening and it i he was not ignored entirely' Would be made to listen to long stories of how '"''"al1"1- t( - -hard his wife worked how "eute"the I( i baby was etc At the office he got very different treatment for his secretary saw him not only as "the boss" but as an attractive interesting person in his own right and once she realized how lonely he was she stopped trying to hide her A nagging wife say psychologists feelings—as a lot of other girls in the causes often a husband to seek same situation had before her Because in manan undercover "revenge" of a sense of his obligation this man ner and leads him to surreptiwould not opemly break with his wife tious relations with other women but he still felt that he had a right te 6A4 i - ‘ ' - January 18 trying to keep both he wrecked the lives of all concerned The firm that he vorked for tired hint for misconduct while his wife in righteous indignation sued him for divorce and ruined the secretary's good name by naming her as love and - d011-ii- ags---- - 4 It' - -- rr 1 - 'f ' i - ' - ii if s 4t i r:ii el 07 7 A II - 6t - tr (' ' -''' ' ' ' t I 1- 40 Li 2 I ' Is ‘i ' ' ---- i Mrs Ruth Engelberg pretty asserts was the sort of person her By Lawrence Gould Consulting Psychologist is often said that marriage is a gamble and nobody but a convinced — or deliberately blind — idealist would deny it For whether you buy a ticket wedding license or a your chances of 'getting what you want depend to a considerable degree on factors which you cannot control In the case of marriage there are many factors that cannot be appraised in advance—circumstances which growing out of the mental and physical backgrounds of each participant are certain-t- o play a part in the ultimate success or failure of the union A man's ability to obtain and hold a job perhaps not evi— dent at the time of his tharriage but surely conditioned by the examples of those with whom he has been in contact during his formative years is one of these factors beyond the knowledge of So too are his ideas and his bride-to-b- e feelings about women in general conditioned by the treatment he has had from them front the cradle on These may not be apparent to an observer before marriage or it they are they are 1111de obscure by the romantic haze which surrounds the impending event-The- re is always the tendency too for a man to put his best foot forward when zourting a girl Even the most modest Df men will do this with some even becoming outward braggarts After all he is engaged in winning the girl of his choice and seeks to make himself appear as desirable as possible Under such circumstances he hides those traits which he consciously or unconsciously knows are not attractivein him and it may be some time after the marriage before his bride discovers that she has something to deal with which was not apparent in the knight in shining armor who courted her The reverse of all this also is true—la man seldom begins to realize the personality of the girl he has married until he has seen her under all conditions and until the novelty oflhe marriage has worn off sufficiently to reveal the real person behind the glamorous mask We are all the products of our past in the normal experiences and because period of courtship no one can possibly determine the complete personality and roake-uof another marriage does become a gamble—a gamble in the sense that the component parts of each individual must adapt themselves each to the other if the adventure is to be a IT pari-mutu- el p success Marriage as a gamble however is comparable rather to a bridge game than it is to a game of pure chance such as or dice For whether your luck roulette i in married life is good or bad it is the courage and intelligence with which you I play that greatly increases your chance of winning But it'sJine thing to take the inevitable chances of a straight love game and another to play with someone who uses loaded dice or marked cards And that I 1 ? 1 -1- eg' f t At 1 1 1 Ntl f': I V ' I III 15:11 N 11—Ittia 1 1) at-''''''N- ipu 147 PI : - -- A) 1 ' ole A :!': I P lir - e- ' 'er51: 1 )ir ) yer- - - tk‘ band Samuel was—in So far as his hus- deal- ings with her were concerned She says he's a "gambling- - big shot" who has salted away enough of his winnings to bring him an income of $30000 a year from investments and who in the course of business "would win or lose several thousand dollars a niglit without any emotional outbursts or financial strain" But while Mrs Engelberg doesn't claim there's anything dishonest in her husband's handling-1)- f the cards and dice with which she says he makes his living his treatment of her is quite a different story Forwhile he put on the front of t was actualbeing a faithful husband he ly cheating she says as she first suspected and then found out beyond question With her uncle and grandfather along to corroborate her testimony she swears that not long ago she walked into a room on West 48th Street New York and there found her husband in the comwoman And she pany of a half-cla- d further states that "he was very embarrassed stated that there was nothing to do about it and that the garre was Emphasizing the fact that the man up" she calls a gambler spoke of marriage as a game and that she'd caught him cheating at it Mrs Engelberg asked and obtained from Justice Lewis Fawcett of Kings County Supreme Court Brooklyn an award of $100 a week alimony and is to bring suit for absolute divorce The sympathy of a lot of women who have also caught their husbands cheating in the game of marriage (or perhaps suspected but failed to catch them) will be with this woman who has put their case so clearly for them And indeed d the fear of being as Mrs Engelberg was has probably kept more wives' awake nights than have any of the i other worries marriage may bring To a lot Of women cheating on a husband's part seems worse than open infdelity and even to a psychologist who does not pretend to express moral judgments the two forms of breaking marriage vows present quite different problems For "Whatever we may call the manwho 'Inds another woman he likes better than his wife and tells the wife so frankly he's different sort of transgressor from the one who wants to eat his cake and have it too The average woman's idea that the cheater got that way out of pure cussedness and meanness however is too simple to hold water psychologically speaking For a long time people had the same idea about dishonesty in general but we are now coming to know better Dishonesty as a pattern of behavior nearly always starts in childhood hut the boy who sneaks money out of mother's purse (or apples off the fruit stand) is not himself the "born crook" we teil to think him I am not denying that the natural instinct of a boy (or a girl for is to take anything he wants that is not nailed down You can see this instinct at its clearest in a baby who has not yet grasped the idea that some things are his while others are not But using deceit and treachery to get what one wants is another story and the tendency to act in that way--a- s study of hundreds of juvenile delinquents has shown — grows out of a feeling on the child's part that he himself has been somehow cheated out of what was rightfullyhis and must get his own back by whatever means come handy Strange as it may seem the husband who cheats has identically the same feelings as the juvenile delinquent—in fact his behavior shows that he has never really grown up It's rarely his interest in the other woman that is the main g motive for his what he's doing even though he may not know it is attempting to get even for some real or imaginary grievance It is true this grievance may not be primarily against the woman to whom he is married It may be a grudge against women or wives in general which he's carried on from earlier experiences A man who's been d by the first girl he loved may acquire an impulse to take it out on all members of the opposite sex But you proving — Many husbands whose wives treat them only as "breadwinners" find the companionship and affection they want outside their homes two-time- S -- i th :' ' - ! '':' it !: 771-1- t 4'V --- - - 7:- 7 fi L I - i- ' kk ' ' - 11)LL) - - 14‘ ' i: Ifl -- -- 7'I' LH— iL—H-- :t : 11: ) e 7 tslit II ii - I' LI I 4- -- I Ji- - : -' rilliiiiWIRtr--1-rf -- t ilitit - IN' : f : 7 ' ''' -- -' '::) ' ilikWi 1:- 41 4e - j -:410 i - ': pii tt "' 'i' i 't ti - e -- - (1 -- 1 - x0 t: - k f t - 114 ' ‘ 7) I - V III T - 5140' 4 '1 - 2ti--2-:- if - Psychologist Gould cites the case history of a man whose wife disapproved of what she called his vulgar liking for noisy parties lie "got even" by seeking a girl who liked night clubs and listened to his jokes t - '1 :t - ' ' I 1 41 ::i:' : ti 0 t t 1i i I: i "t i 1 ' r '''1:::''''''':: ::::-' ' :' :":':':'1A ::' ' - ' zx -- ' - 07 " 4 N V': - ::''": ::z - - t I : '! i 4' V ttl:' t - 1 1 :::: ' '' :: ':-'- t:--- ':!:- ' '''' ii'5!: : t ' :: ' ' - ::::s:: ::: t i-- ''':'::"' '' i :' :'' 4 :: " ": ::' ' i (i g' A !:1 ' " ' ':: ::'l '"1' rr 1 ' 4' '' i- ' z- --:- ::: ': ' -- ' 35 3- 5i !':: lt:'-'1- " -- ' 5e ' ' - - ' ' s'' :0-- ' N --- -- ' ''' ' -- -- s' 'A4 ' ' :: '''''' 2' '''' ""'''' '''''' '' N '' - - :: t ': f4 4 ' ' ' i '''' ::: ::: ' 4 ?: 5‘4 ' '' ' it' ' '' - T 3 '' " :::: " - ' --- ' '":' 'sx: '"'- - - - ''''''' - :' '' ': -- - '::::::':' 2: ''':: - :' ‘ I - ' :: A ' 11 !q- ' '''' :': ' " t:'4' s ' " ' ' " -- 1 - ::: :: :' :':::::": ::: ': ''' :: ::-- :: :':-- :': : ' :' : ':::: Y::::::: :':: 1 :f: :: '::'- -' i t :::: '4 ' '' A - ' tit t ' :::i ' '''' :: :6 i ' : 4 120 k ::: : ‘ t' '' 4 ' ':' :" i ' i - ' ' '' ' ' f : ' : ' ''i fi : "4v ' " v: 7 ' 7 ' - ' ' ' '' - ' ': --:: ' - ' :: 4 ' :::- :' - ' '::: '' :: - '''''''''t'w ' ' :: ::: - ' ' ":: ' :: " ' :::!'"::- ' -- ' ft?:'"a---- ' ? :":': ::i :4s ' :' -- g1t'-'-- - :' - :::: :''--2'' - : A' t P - '44 ' w :: 4 ''''-t'- ' i: '' :4- :2:' :4'1' 1 ' - : : '" a: ' ' - 4 :::: li C'''' : ' 4':''-'---- I :S: - '- i '- ' 1: ' 1-- -- '" :5i''':05 - : ::'-"'- ' : ' - ot - 'i a i'"?----"Ii- E '' r '''-- : !'-- 41' :: 5ty' :':? 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's ' 3 :ti:--:- - t i ::' ! - t- i'ft:-'- "::: double-dealin- (1 - CC) t 0 o3' - al -- - 4 i:klk' t- double-crosse- thereby D li-N- -- If you're married to a man who is mature enough to stand up for his rights and tell you frankly that he doesn't like some of the ways in which you treat him there's comparatively little chance that he will ever try to cheat you But if you have reason to believe your man feels you aren't giving him a square deal yet says nothing about it look out for trouble For while you can nag or frighten or discourage him to the point where he will keep his mouth shut that won't keep him from nursing a grudge against you And if he is too Weak to dare to get even openly the chances are that he will try to do it under cover—probably by seeking consolation from another woman And by more open methods more men feel hopeless (because they feel helpless) where their wLves are concerned than is generally realized This is partly because most men were brought up to believe that a woman is such a strange and mysterious creature I :: business right to s ::-- Jl - ve-- - - ) - x : - --3- 1 - 11111i epo--'g1- '''' 4- 4 :i4c1 0 Azr '' ifiP:: 0 II --- 'i' lit Arl' 1 ) api c11 ityl s i r a rgiA 9 t ' i t' but le gamb t marriage is 0 vlow S V1OW ''' 1101091st s p syc tile wirr Ing odos v41 to b e ler ' - 0 ' —there were two sides But the only hope of finding any satisfactory solution lays in facing the facts frankly and arriving at some sort of mutual understanding and to do that requires a degree of courage which not all men have I've already said that cheating is a sign of immaturity of a weakness of character which is really a sign that the person hasn't' fully grown up It is the reaction of someone who feels there is no hope of getting what he believes he has a V - — ' 7r ' '' 1 z4 I -A' it t' '' Or ' i - T l' ' problems to which—as to every problem ‘ ' A9' r there's no use In trying to unilerstand her but still more because Of the enorMOUS moral authority over a man which most wives inherit as a result of his childish feelings toward his mother Quite unconsciously perhaps the old belief that "mother knows best" makes a man unable to stand up for his rights where his wife is concerned Mid this all the more because the wife like mother seems to have the whole force of the law and the community behind her So in desperation he may cheat but ifit's any satisfaction to the wife to know this rarely gets much fun out of it and mostly winds (tip by hating the whole corespondent A third man's grievance concerned his ife 's affections a fter n1artiagt Dud ng their engagement she'd been as alrectionate as a man could ask but onco his wife her attitude cooled Ile cheated— in resentment All of these cases grew out of real ‘':4 v44 g - '0 Y 1912 - j 3 ::t : i -- ' I '''4'''' 4 gambler" charged that he "dealt from the bottom of the deck" in his relations with her After accusing him of relati(inS with another woman she was awarded $100 a week alimony When she found him with a corespondent she says he was very embarrassed and stated there was nothing to do about it and that "the game was up" World 114:Ms Reserved by King Features "big-shot SndIvalt Inc II 4 ' - — ' lk -- i 4 - ' |