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Show WASATCH MOUNTAIN TIMES CABLE TV - the Opiate of Blobdom I hate television. BZZT . Believe it — this is the only exerciser which works all the major muscle groups, with just one pinch of butt your cheeks be coaxed out by the scent of a receptive . This is Wolf Blitzer the scene of my parents’ I hate it as much as peanuts. jemale. BZZT reporting from But I can't stop eating peanuts — Orson BZZT Bob! @ Now that was a golf shot, Welles 44 He’: my name is Randy I’m a cable TV-a-holic.” How divorce. Baby! BZZT . . . And if you call now, you ll receive absolutely free. BZZT . . The normally furtive salamander can By Randy Hanskat and did this happen? After all, I used to love good books. I used to read my Sports Illustrated magazines. | used to be one of those people who of have said TV will be the end American society. That was beforeI got cable. Yes, the neighborhood was wired for cable recently, and now we are of the 36-channel mode. With the added channels has come added blob-a-bility — I now find myself, remote control tightly gripped, mindlessly scanning channels, watching snippets of The Aggressive Behavior of the Frilled Wren, flipping to Australian Rules Football, on to Rhonda's Up All Night, over to SportsCenter for the fourth time — I’ve already seen the same highlights of the night's games, back to Mudwrestling Women, in Their Own Words, wait — was that a Godzilla movie?! Godzilla Versus Mothra? How captivating. this, Better watch lest I die tomorrow the rest without of hav- ing seen it. The next day at work I’m a blithering idiot. No sleep. Aching back. The beginnings of bed sores. I’ve been taken prisoner by my 27” god of Trinitron. Before cable came to the neighborhood, I was living an idyllic mid"70s existence. Five channels were the scope of my TV realm on a good reception night. During storms there was more snow indoors than out. My TV naiveté was the butt of network was Seed Beads #6 #8 #9 #11 #12 ¢ Earing Parts day (one glorious day Mushrooms « Bead * Czech Store » « Tri-Cuts from Japan & Czech People » Watch Faces * Austrian Crystals * Side Bars * Semi-Precious Stones * * Delicas * Moons televi- » 7 Strand « Stars * India Enamel Tiger Tale * Cubes Italy * Bricks Beads + * Pierced « And Many More South 700 East - Sandy Mall ° 801-576-1755 Dependable tT vrrustworthy I know now) there it was — the TCI truck. Cable was overtaking block after block with guerrilla zest, digging trenches, occupying crawl spaces. I was dazed, shaken. “You mean I don’t have to watch BYU versus Fresno State in prime time?” I muttered as I grabbed the coveralls of the cable- I had flashback Eastwood-fests, of visions of Clint Michael Jordan flights, of MTV Spring Break Swimsuit contests, of blobdom. I tried to fight the urge to say yes to this coaxial menace. Hey, I had been reading a book a week. Was “Midnight that worth Madness” on giving up for ESPN? It was no use. So, here I sit, blobbing away. It’s not that the stuff on the channels is so great, it’s that it’s there, and I’m weak. I think it’s something like the satanic spell Barney children. sion. I had seen the milk-toasty likes of Pat Robertson in nauseating close-up. I ° * Fimo-Blocks Czech Crystals * Findings-S.S. G.F. * Hearts - Antique German How To Books Including New “Creating With Polymer Clay” 9447 at TBS. If the world blew up, I had to trust the smarmy duo of Randall and Kimberly to give me the info. CNN was all but forgotten. Who needed news from the rest of the world anyway, when I could watch Conference on one Beads African Trade But those were the old days, the “cabled” days. Without cable, blobbing became a distant memory. After all, who could be mindless enough to stomach hour after hour of strict network fare? I became accustomed to having to watch Notre Dame versus Army on the Notre Dame Broadcasting Channel (NBC), when my precious Gators were running rampant on cable KSL? hen, Full Service sizes and shapes from Japan man. because I had known what it was like to have that thing called cable at a previous residence. I had been exposed to those searing swear words, once kept from my sensitive ears by the all- sensors knew who was Ren and who Stimpy. I was versed in TV, man. of jokes. “Did you see the Dolphins game last night? Marino was awesome. Oh, wait. It was on cable. Guess you didmt Tee hee®, “Where do you live anyway, this place without cable? Afghanistan? Ho ho.” Sure I felt somewhat forlorn, knowing e Glass in many I'm casts over the world’s Do you feel lucky, punk? BZZT . .. tellin’ ya the kid’s Prime Time, So’s the dog! Call The Matthews Team SE David Sie, 801-64-REMAX REMAX Network @ Park City & Jane MatTrHEews Working For You 14 Days A Week 1500 Kearns Blvd., Suite E-200 Fax: Home: 649-3556 |
