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Show ifthTfUgaa iMMUi 'l l IK SAN JUAN KKCOKI) WwlnmJuy, Novcmlr 20, 2002 - appearance. Metastatic disease cannot be completely excluded. This can be further evaluated." This is the part where I I'ntfi; 14 One year checkup the beginning you have been with me. So in one way this is of bed and sit down in front of stupid, and I know it, on the blank page.. I wait for the other hand this is what it is words to come. The blank page like after you have had cancer. calls to me to. Any pain, any symptom, This is how I get it out of my anything out of the ordinary and you quickly glance around to see if your dance card number has been called again and you have to waltz another long slow dance with Lady Death. You always hope it isnt the last dance of the night and that November 6, 2002. It is 4 a.m. and I cant sleep. I get out . know that my too kind and loving wife will try to veto this article. She hates to create a panic. I, on the other hand, know that panic is what I do best. Panic first, get the facts later! Thats my motto... always has been always will be. It is exactly one year ago that the doctor from Grand Junction called me and said, You arent going to believe this, but you have stomach cancer." There was nothing but silence on my end of the phone... I didnt know what to I say. By training and habit I re- sponded, Thanks have a good day." have been anxious lately Irecaiise I just had my one year check up. Anxious doesn't exactly describe the apprehension I feel in my gut (ha ha, I love these stomach jokes). Anyway, I have been worries!. I decide to write this article because I feel like from I know that I shouldnt be writing this. This roller coaster of emotion is exactly what it is like when you have had cancer. You over react, you panic, you get scared. I have back flashes of how my dad died. His lung cancer moved to his liver, he was slowly poisoned over the course of a few months. I almost start to hyperventilate just thinking about if I had to go through what he had to en- you dont go home with her. I had a CT-sca-n a few days been waiting for ago and have the results. I finally hear from I)r-yesterday and he leaves me a message on my voice mail. "Sorry I havent gotten back to you sooner... I read the report, things look good. Call me if you have any questions." I relax for a minute. 1 have them FAX me the report so I can read it. dure. On one hand Dr-says, "everything looks good." and on the other hand, and I know I didnt go to medical school but I read reasonably well, and what I read sends me off the panic scale. This is what I hate the most about my cancer experience. M I dont want to snuggle in closer. She grasps at air. keep telling myself over and over that everything is alright. And maybe next week Ill be writing saying how dumb I am. How stupid I was for writing this. That there is nothing to worry about, that Dr-was right that "everything looks good". But until then I am going to panic because I dont know what else to do. I am so tired, I want to go to bed and sleep next to my beautiful and too kind and loving wife. I want to sleep soundly. But there is no sleep until I am so exhausted that the body provides opium for the mind. Exhaustion my old friend, like the exhaustion when I am training for a marathon. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, a shake of salt over my shoulder, and its show time folks, put on a happy face and be determined that "it" doesnt I Here I sit at my computer terminal screaming... scream- ing on paper, screaming so loud it would wake up the neighbors if they could hear me, screaming that I dont want this to happen. All this screaming because of a few words, "Metastatic disease cannot be completely excluded. The power of words. Sure I have hope. I pray. Ninety-nin- e percent of the time I am upbeat and positive. But that one percent of the time I feel like I am going for a walk in hell and demons scratch and snarl at my tattered dirty clothes. I try to remember the words, "though I walk through the valley of death I fear no evil"...but I cant get it right. So, I repeat what the doctor told me at my checkup, "Gary, you can only control your atti M win. to enjoy the fall, the football playoffs, plan a vacation with 0 some If any good comes from my stupid writing, remember you are responsible for your health care! friends, and Don't let doctors make the decisions... only suggestions and discuss options. Okay, I read the report and almost all of it says "normal". But there in one section in all capital letters it reads. "Area of slightly decreased attenuation in the posteriorinferior right lobe of the liver as above. This may represent artificat secondary to adjacent brightly enhancing kidney. Focal fatty infiltration may also have this JVOOD reQiIets in- stead I am awake at 4:37 a.m. writing about how scared I am. I called Dr-- M back to ask about this "little oversight." Why isnt he panicked? Why docs he think everything "looks good1"? Because it isnt his report? I get bitter quickly. I look over at my too kind and loving wife. She is sleeping and her hand keeps going over and pulling my pillow towards her, 6lSTBMTr$MEn 24$ant30pwe$r eMNPVtftir;-;(435) 678-26- limn SAN JUAN BUILDING SUPPLY 1050 S. MAIN BLANDING 435-678-20- 00 FOR ALL YOUR FARM EQUIPMENT NEEDS SUM? A. 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