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Show THE ZEPHYR/FEBRUARY-MARCH the viewer to check out nearby rock art or an old cowboy inscription or an especially notable wildflower. No one would ever have to wonder what lies around the next bend of the canyon. Or what's just over the next ridge. They ‘Il know everything that awaits them, right down to the most intimate detail. In a world where people who have traveled thousands of miles to a national park and still ask, “Is this hike worth it?” (They're in a national park!), I can only assume that the general public, by the millions, will embrace this technology, when and if it becomes available. The idea of wilderness, to me, always meant more than the resource itself. It was that unknown quality, the Mystery of it all, that drew me to it. I cannot imagine a natural world with no mysteries. With no more untold secrets. But do you know what really worries me? If these ideas become realities, if it becomes that easy to “explore,” will I have the strength not to look? TSA in LOUISVILLE.. UNUSUALLY ANAL RETENTIVE TSA (Transportation Security Administration) has a job to do and I respect them for that when they do it. But more often these days, some of them have the demeanor of small-minded dimwits who, when given a bit of authority, feel compelled to do their best impression of aa jee ee@ tyrant at airports across the count I recently flew back to Kentucky to help my mom celebrate her 80th birthday. I never seem to have a problem with the TSA people in Salt lake City. But coming back, via Standiford Field in Louisville, is another story. They always have an attitude and I don’t know why. Kentuckians are generally a friendly people—sure they smoke too much, and drink too much Jim Beam, and eat too much fried chicken. But then again, maybe that’s why they're usually so hap So somebody give these TSA grumps some bourbon and branch and a box of the Colonel’s best. These people are taking themselves way too seriously. By now, we all know the drill and I’ve got it down better than most. es. 2008 My Neutrogena oil-free SPF 45 sunblock weighs 4 ounc- “Ym six-tenths of an ounce over and you're confiscating my sunblock? Are you kidding me?” “SIR, RULES ARE RULES!” “ARE YOU CRAZY?” Now we're both yelling. “LIKE I SAID, RULES ARE RULES.” “TELL ME...TELL ME HOW MY HAVING SIX-TENTHS OF AN OUNCE MORE SUNBLOCK THAN THE LEGAL LIMIT CONSTITUTES A THREAT TO THE SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES AND ITS CITIZENS!” Her voice drops. “You're free to file a complaint if you eS “WHERE?” I snarl. She points to a man sitting at the end of the gauntlet; he is already holding a complaint card. He holds it out limply, his face without expression, like someone recently embalmed. “T guess you do this all the time.” IN THIS ISSUE OF ses VOLUME 19 eee NUMBER 6 February/March 2008 4...SHOCKING PHOTO... SOMETHING'S NOT FOR SALE? 7...BULLETIN BOARD OF DOOM 9... TRANSFORMATIONS Main & Center Street in Moab 1989...1999 “Rule are rules,” he replies God bless Amerika. “TELL ME...TELL ME HOW MY HAVING SIX-TENTHS OF AN OUNCE MORE SUNBLOCK THAN THE LEGAL LIMIT CONSTITUTES A THREAT TO THE SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES ANDITS CITIZENS!” Her voice drops. “You're free to file a complaint if you like.” THE CELL PHONE CONSPIRACY By now we all know the drill. We call our friends on their cell phone and hope to High Heaven that they'll answer, because if they don’t, we know we're in for a siege. You know what happens next: The number you are calling.....4-3-5-2-6-0-1-2-/-3......... has been transferred to an automated voice miail.......At the tone, please record your message.....When you are finished, please hang up (duh), or press ONE for more options. You're waiting for the tone, but it doesn’t happen. Instead... S cee like to leave a fax, press TWO. . ne d like to leave a callback number, press THREE. Please? If you'd like to leave a numeric page, press FOUR TOTALLY FICTION 12... THE HAUNTING By Keith Moore 14...FEATHERS FROM THE BIRD OF PARADISE By Francois Camoin 16...LESTER & ME By Martin Murie 18...CALAMITY DJINN By Ken Rand 20...CATAMOUNT By Ned Mudd 22..MEMORY MESA By Jim Stiles By now, between 30 and 40 seconds have passed. Finally you get to leave your message. But by adding all these ‘options,’ Verizon or Sprint or AT&T, or whoever, are increasing their profits, simply by making you wait for the ‘tone.’ Airtime starts when the recipient of the call or his duly appointed representative, i.e., his voicemail, answers. While I show the TSA man my boarding pass and picture ID. I -take off my shoes and put them in a tray. I take off my jacket and place it in a tray. I take my laptop out of its case and put it in a tray. | put my carry-on in a tray. And now, finally, I carry my liquids in a plastic bag and put it in a tray. That's five trays. It takes a while. So the first TSA guy looks at my ID and sends me 2 forward. I start the ‘stuff in the tray’ process, but now a nasty you wade through the options, the cell phone companies rack up the seconds, which over a month, among millions of callers and tens of millions of calls, adds up to millions of dollars in revenue for our cellular pals. There must be some way to bypass all those options (I don’t have a fax and I don’t even know what a numeric pager is) but I have no idea how it’s done. I’m appealing to the more techno-savvy of you...tell me how to stop this injustice! AWAY YOUR BOARDING PASS! I HAVE TO SEE YOUR BOARDING PASS AGAIN!!” A TSA agent just looked at my pass; why would I need to show it again, 30 feet down the gauntlet? Doesn't she THE STANDARD WINTER ISSUE DISCLAIMER As always, the February/March issue is printed months early, so that I can go screw off and herd sheep and say “oi!” or do whatever it is I normally do when I'm half a world away. I always warn my readers that if some event that occurs after press day renders all or part of this issue trust her own co-worker? Then she starts screaming at me, tasteless, it’s only by accident and not intentionally. TSA woman ahead of me starts screaming, “DON’T PUT “SPEED UP! MOVE YOUR TRAYS FORWARD!” I’m shoving all this stuff through, with my driver's license and boarding pass now clenched in my teeth. FASTER! FASTER! I make it though the metal detector without beeping and the screaming TSA woman almost looks disappointed that she won't get to wand me. I start to re-assemble my stuff and she stops me. “SIR, YOUR PLASTIC BAG IS TOO BIG!” “Huh?” “BUT ™M GOING TO LET IT PASS THIS TIME.” oy anks.’” “BUT I AM CONFISCATING YOUR SUNBLOCK!” OW QU “T1’S TOO LARGE!” “What's the limit?” “3.4 OUNCES.” I’m normally thinking of World War III or a terror attack when I offer these disclaimers. Last year it was personal. My dear old friend Bill Benge died last year, just a day after the two winter issues ran. As a result, his back page ads ran for three months after his death. It was painful for me personally, but I think Bill would have enjoyed the irony. And watching me squirm a bit. In any case, let's hope we don’t lose any more of the good guys this year...as WC Fields once said, “The ranks are thinning.” A REMINDER ABOUT SUBSCRIPTIONS Again, if you were receiving the print version of The Zephyr, and you thought you were paid through March. 2008, and it suddenly stopped last April, and you're reading on-line now, contact me asap. It’s my fault. 29...HERB RINGER'S AMERICAN WEST... A snowy scene at Lassen Pass and icicles on the clothes line... 30...THE VALUE of DISSENT By Robert F. Kennedy Delivered to students at vengoe University on March 21, |
