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Show MOAB POINTBLANK ENACTS HUMAN ZONING LAWS! SETS PLATEAU PRECEDENT! By Ned Mudd I would like to suggest that you get your new Mayor to propose a Human Zoning Law for Moab. This will include a photo ID Passport for all incoming interlopers concomitant with an access fee, environmental impact fee, traffic fee, population fee, and a General Nuisance bond, all paid in a lump sum in advance of being allowed temporary resident status (Green Card). A Committee of Immigration will evaluate every new resident periodically to determine if said individual is an asset to the Community. Special attention will be paid to said resident's: Moab is still small enough to be saved. But time is of the essence. We're talking Homeland Security here. It’s not too late to declare the downtown district an International Park, off limits to gas powered vehicles of all descriptions. This will facilitate an economic boom to local tourist-oriented entrepreneurs who have the — “savvy to haul folks around ir mule-drawn carriages, rickshaws, and dog-sleds (winter only). Act NOW before the yuppies take over! Developers beware. 1. contributions to the area’s diversity : 2. resident's attitude and respect towards Community’s history, culture, way of life, spiritual values (including Native American) 3. resident's ecological footprint [points taken off for excessive childbearing (more Moab is still small enough to be saved. than 1), as well as vehicle emissions, recycling behavior, use of aqua, and other But time is of the essence. related impacts] 4, resident's driving mannerisms and contribution to traffic 5. resident's willingness to participate in local issues, hearings, voting, library picnics, ete. 6. resident's proclivity to act removed from Moab’s groove and be an general asshole. We're talking Homeland Security here. Any resident flunking said evaluation will promptly be given two choices: 1. get out of town a.s.a.p., or : 2. pay a greatly increased fee (see above). The fees listed above will be used to purchase wilderness areas around Moab and in surrounding locales. Roadless forest areas will be given special consideration for purchase, as will be canyons, hoodoos, and assorted Red Rock landscapes. A special Trust Fund will be created for the sole purpose of demolishing Glen Canyon Dam (legally of course). This Plan should appeal to folks of any and all political persuasions (save the Anarchists from Seattle, who are not mollified by any Plans). Good, God fearing Republicans should: see the wisdom in Home Rule and Family (community) Values Protection. Yellow Dog Democrats will love the regulatory nature of the above-described Plan. Libertarians will appreciate that the Plan is based on a grass roots Nuisance enforcement, rather than Administrative rule-making procedures. Woo-woos will Where's all the business!? This place is DEAD! | just don't get it. | was ROLLING in cash last Spring! That was Jeep Safari. And Rod = — (} Eee oO ( y (as iS a, AD But what about NOW? How in the heck am I going to make that payment on my Benz? Bender. And Spring Break... | Ze Haven't you ever heard of saving for a RAINY DAY? "RAIN?" It never rains in the desert. Nope. But it sure does POUR from time to time. |