Show ine eagle ftge -- Apparition appears to “Insane Hussein” CEU BOOKSTORE We can Special Brad Gwyther editorial writer I'm sure all of you are sick and tired of hearing about the plight in the Persian Gulf I know I am but a talk show on the radio caught my attention and added a new twist to the situation overseas You see there was this man who in the comfort of his own bed was dreaming about a very serious situation the plight of his people nation and how he really screwed the pooch In this man's dreams an apparition of Mohammed appeared and in that deep royal and ever so holy voice (the kind that God had in the movie The Ten Commandments") said Saddam my son" In total astonishment the Hitler of the nineties replied "Yes Lord?" “Saddam my son you have made a very grave mistake" stated the ever so holy apparition Hussein replied feebly "Oh how have I failed you Lend?" "Saddam my son you have your weapons pointed toward the wrong enemy" stated Mohammed The man scurried to the nearest television station to broadcast what he had experienced Conveniently the station could "oblige” and it was broadcast across the troubled nation explaining Wait a minute what a great way to try and back out of a situation use a higher being as a scapegoat! Oh Saddam you sticky better hope that Mohammed doesn't catch wind of this or he’ll break your narcisstic back Now with this you would get the impression that Hussein would back out of Kuwait and our military forces could return home Right? Well let's say it will be a cold day in "Saudi Arabia" before they can come home Analysts think that even if Hussein does pull out of Kuwait his sights will be aimed at a different piece of dessert real estate Question is where will this jackass aim? Some strongly believe that the lucky country this time will be Israel This undoubtedly brings up the question of whether we can come home? Like I said it will be a very cold day Even if the crazy sand rat docs pull out of Kuwait and sets his sights on Israel we will still come to the aid of our Israelii allies But for now we are still stuck in trenches and military machinery supporting the Saudi- - Kuwait border As for Hussein well he appears to be trying to weasle out of his faux pas with anything he can get out of it Who knows maybe Mohammed will come to him in yet another dream and tell him that he shouldn’t try to swindle a deal out of the opposing governments Saudi Arabia as well as the other countries are pushing him toward an unconditional surrender Simply put the power hungry son Of a "mongrel" won't get anything out of his aggressive behavior Anyway Saddam buddy you better back off and just focus on your piece of real estate because it is really a piece of sh ! I can see it now Mohammed will appear in yet another virion and tell him "Saddam my son you better get the hell out You are up to your armpits in camel dung! You art facing some of the strongest forces in the world and there is even a threat from the little car builders of the Far East You better mind your own business or a student editorial writer from the West will find something else to gripe about” OFinancial Aid’s iaw±sL£tL!i$tiL tended a student must obtain a signature from each of their instructors They do this process once a quarter Once their statement is turned in money is issued to the studertt Institutions across America have implemented this law also It may be hard oh instructors but you have to weigh the good and bad Osborn said "I haven't heard any i serious complaining from them so I think they're accepting it" he added Osborn mentioned that CEU doesn't have a problem with students not attending class "This law will reduce fraud and abuse in the system" he stated "It will give the money to those who truly are here for an education and cut out those who are here just for the money" The financial aid department Osborn said is here to serve and meet the students needs as best tlrey can He encouraged students seeking aid to come in and see what is available Also new aid forms for the upcoming year will arrive in January or February Those who apply first will get better financial aid Education Nightmare— (continued from page 1) die State gents will present to Legislature in January The budget package originally included funding for an additional 4188 new students for the 1991-9- 2 academic year The new proposal would request money for an increase of 6551 Capping enrollment and redistributing funding to the State's most strained facilities are among the avenues being explored by the system “I don't know if we should or shouldn't cap enrollment" Regent Ian Cumming said "But if we don't our quality will erode Order all you books and office supply needs Office Supplies Drafting Supplies Gifts (CEU Emblem Embossed) Clothing (CEU Emblem Embossed) Art Supplies (Discounted 1 0) COMMUNITY WELCOME HERBS WHY THE SMART MONEY AT COLLEGE OF EASTERN UTAH IS GOINGWIIH TIAA-CRE- F AS IF THE FUTURE DEPENDED it does Smart investors Becausethat your future depends on your retirement system has been the performs TIAA-CRE- F premier retirement system for people in education and research for over 70 years Ws have enabled over 20QJD00 people like you to enjoy a comfortable retirement And over ljOOOjOOO more are now planning for the future with TIAA-CRE- F ONE growth through dividends CREFs variable annuity offers opportunities for growth through four different investment accounts each managed with the long-terperspective essential to sound retirement planning: The CREF Stock Account The CREF Money Market Account The CREF Bond Market Account The CREF Social Choice Account m CALL SMART MONEY LOOKS FOR SECURITY GROWTH AND DIVERSITY FOR TO FIND OUT MORE RETIREMENT SAVINGS Our experienced retirement counselors will be happy to answer your questions and tell you more about retirement Security— so the resources are there when it is time to retire Growth— so you'll have enough income for the kind of retirement you want And diversity— to help protect you against market volatility and to let you benefit from several types of investments mrs EXACTLY WHAT TOU GET WTIHTTAACREF annuities from Experience Performance Strength Your future is protected by the largest private retirement system in the world Ws have done so well for so many for so long that we currently manage some $85 billion in assets TIAA offers you the safety of a traditional annuity that guarantees your principal plus a specified rate of interest and provides for additional 11m CREP Boad Marital tad Social Cboic Accouaa nqr wllabtf far all Suppkmeelil Retirement Annuity pteM TIAA-CRE- F M b miUblt Ensuring the future for those who shape it” nadcr all ImImIomI ictimncnl pkM bm m For more complete information including chuges and expenses call 1 800 ext 3309 for s invest Reid the before tend or money you prospectus prospectus carefully 842-27- 33 3 |