Show Page 26— Tho Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday July 19 1998 Play soecer? Get back on sofa P - 'i ' l So I remembered soccer as a casual relaxing activity which is why when my info and I were asked to day in a match between the media and die staff of the Miami Fusion I said sure I figured we’d jrm around in die vicinity rtf the ball for a few friendly minutes then go to a restaurant I was an idiot I realized this the instant we arrived at the stadium Most of the other people on both teams were serious By Dava Barry The Miami Herald P afaaps you’ve been watching World Cup nccer on TV and you’re tempted to get up off the sofa and tty the game yourself Mow me as a big believer in the benefits of exercise to offer you these words of encouri agement: Get back on the sofa I say dns because recently I played in a socsoccer players Some had played on cer game (or “match") on a regulation soccer professional teams where they ate intramural field or (“pitch”) and I wound up fearing for players fro: their team snack They were the safety of my most sensitive nude anatomshouting Spanish soccer expressions that ical translate roughly to T shall kick the ball with (or parts “Roscoes”) great velocity so stand clear lest it passt I blame my wife through your torso and travel a great distance She’s a sports writer farther with your pancreas dinging to it!” and she coven South The other problem was die sue of die playFlorida’s Major ing field It always appeared from up in the League Soccer team press box to be about the size of a football which is called the field but when I actually stood ooit I real“Miami Fusion" (Thii ized that it was much closer in terms of name represents the square footage to Kansas I became exhaustpowerful bond that ed before the game even started merely from forms in this multicultural melting-po- t jogging to the middle of the field where I had munity between your thighs and yot the following conversation with one of my seat) teammates n foreign journalist who spoke I attend most of die Fusion games because limited English: I like to sit in the press box and help the very ' ME: What am I supposed to do? sports wiiten by offering knowledgeable socHIM: OK! cer observations such as “I bet that hurts ME: No I have no idea what to do when they hit it with their headsl" and HIM: Tbs!really “There’s the beer vendor!" When the game started I ran around in a The reason I know so much about soccer is sort of ampersand pattern Every now and that I used to play it myself as a college then the ball would shoot past me followed freshpcrson in 1965 The type of soccer I people yelling in Spanish One time the played was “intramurala” which comes from by ball came direcfiy toward me and I was about the Greek worth “intra" meaning “guys" and kick to it when I heard deated footsteps “murals” meaning “who are not trying too from behind at an estimated 140 approaching hard" If the ball happened to come directly to us we’d try to kick it but we did not go miles per hour Because I am a ’90s guy Fm not ashamed to say that it was a involved LOOKING to cleat-weari- ng free-thinkin- g get woman player who knocked me sideways like an inflatable Bozo doll and took the ball away I AM ashamed to say feat I was then replaced in fee lineup by a man named Leo MneDer who is I swear I am not making this up 89 years old Leo took up soccer in his ltee 60s and he’s in a league and he played WAY better than I did despite fee fact that he has about fee same foot speed as a geranium At halftime my wife who had also been running around out there somewhere came to me on the sideline I figured that as a comperson and sports journalist she ' petitive wanted to discuss tactics She said: “Do these shorts look too big?" As a veteran male I know it’s a big mistake In answer feat type of question so I trotted onto the field for the second half This was an even bigger mistake because I wound up being part of a “wall” This happens when your team commits a foul and the other team gets to kick the ball at your goal so the players on your team line up in front of fee kicker to try to block the shot M the men put both hands over the part of their body that they value the most which needless to say is not Pease Continued from Page 25 Wind Gull Factor and especialThe Assassins Many of my friends and colleagues tend toward biography and history to while away the idle hour but my addictions are more lowbrow — the kind touted on back covers as “potboilers” “midnight “page-turner- s” rs" ly Other names to check out in the mystery thriller area: John Sandford (his Prey series) John and Kellerman Tony HUkrman Fitriria CornwelL For pure mindless but entertaining private-ey- e popcorn there’s Sue Grafton whose alphabet series is up to M Robert B Parker’s glib private eye Spenser and John D MacDonald’s lovable sexist hunk Travis McGee “hair-raisin-g" “taut legal thrillers” told "wife panache and a sardonic sense of humor” that “race at breakneck speed” to “stunning and catastrophic denouement" So Fm heading for the hammock with a couple of for a rollicking good read And maybe a nap Enjoy Ted Pease (tpeaaeOoeusuedu) Is page-turne-rs head of the Department of their brains Fortunately fee ball wu kicked in such a way that nobody in the wall will have to change choir sections if you get my drift Finally after about a month the game ended I will frankly admit that the Fusion staff team wu a lot better than the media team But since the media get to write the story I’m stating here for the official record feat we won 158 to 3 and I personally scored nine touchdowns So all in all it was a lot of fun and I look forward to playing soccer again When they pry my cold dead butt off the CLINIC nesting done by USU Cache county Extension Home Economists sofa Dava Banyli a humor eotumnM tor tw Miami HwakL Write to him cfo Tropic Magazine The Miami Herald One Herald Pinza Mtami FL 33132 5 9:00 AM -- 3:00PM 20 JULY ! s ! ! ! Your view find their favorite route to the USU vs U of U football game is four-wa- y stop signs The pedestrian crossing across 400 North near campus was a hazard The needed underpass has now been completed But in the meantime sameooe has come up wife the fable that die corner is now a hazard to autos too If that intersection has “accident potential” then go up die road a couple hundred yards and reduce the speed Surely this is a more simple answer than weaving hundreds of cars one after another at 5 mph along residential streets all wife pedestrian crossings at each intersection The parking lots at Smith’s and Albertson’s also have “accident potential” but do they need such intervention? And where is USU on fee subject? Strangely silent Surely die entrance to campus along 700 East — complete wife panoramic views of Old Main Hill and signage — is pretune-honor- ed ng nd ferred head-scratchi- ng a over maze-lik- e trail that offers only views of the back end of parked cars makeshift parking lots overgrown lilacs and and old frat houses Just try explaining the new route over the phone to someone unfamiliar with campus Speak up Old Main! Imagine the donor dollars drying up as alumni and visitors shake their fists and pound their dashboards as they LTD BUSES each j now blocked for no apparent reason Are hundreds of on 400 North less of a potential accident? This change simply does nothing to improve traffic flow or patterns Anyone who drives a car ns rather feu a desk would know this A planner who thinks the current confusion is die best route needs to pull his or her head out of their exhaust pipe access? For how many years? You say "There were other U t j the defendants' claim that the young mu who was knocked unconscious wu trying to slip up and jump John Jeppson from behind? Wu anything said about die threat made earlier that WeH be back to get you? How quickly a California lawyer diaUnfced himself from his guard and caretaker and played it safe by dropping charges against the 38 To the editor Well the circus is over and we can go about our daily lives mu's lives will never be the same however Yes we've healed the chasm in our community and valley Three mu said 'Guilty Your Honor I would like to know a few things more Three across what right-of-w- ay wu posted 'Private Property mu Jake Jeppson Logan i i 21 12 quart Cold Pack Canner Holds up to 7 quart jars I Comes with rack fi sssssssssssssssssssssssssd mssm&mmmR (really) steps up and says "Guilty your honor" and our sins are taken away We go into that we have problems here In our valley with our children and our ability to parent We have an the problems people are having everywhere but true al St Anne’s guard made scapegoat however This ’moot point of and bred Cache Valley native and and off for at least half his life Who's really guilty here? Just him? usaults" Did anyone consider hu lived here on So one Jay Wamsley Logan sider when in fact he is a born S ! u and 'Keep Out area — Did the landowner guards sheriff's department or trespassers know there wu public access to die forest acrou SL Anne's Retreat property? Oh you say "ignorance is no excuse' but did anyone outside the Forest Service know about this "public to form we heal our chasm in and life goes balm of on usual for us And one mu (really) talus the fall for doing a nasty job he wu hired to do perhaps also for taking a statement of "Well be back to get you seriously — m the wee hours of die morning in the dark (and way al u OUR CUSTOMERS SAY SONY 2r stereo uonitor say he's guilty but be's a real item nothing So picture untieiw-a- -- hiiachi sir Stereo Ultra Black Projection TV wla mm j u Cull1U Anil m 'imp rv color and the OurkwMpnctm mtononiHKadilg test rentes ew Jeppson of Pocatello Idaho" Neat trick to make him out- - tomonwoa own going tfotn mug tom they arthapw" HX' Sum T1 aSonyf Sharp rich One other thing Over and over ad nauseam it wu printed "John Smtn-gtckw- u COME XT ucoaumonntinn Ml CONFAB AT SIM 1699 NOW HAVE BIKE RACKS klCJl Stereo system v5 SHARP 240 watt rack stereo System wDotoy Pro logic Surround Sound w a waiMt contact nreoafsm 1 and Sunrise Cydery are offering a hands on learning experience of loading your own bike onto a LTD bus bike rack CONFAB XT 1171 LTD '149 M remote conool NO n anna 59 JVC 138 North 100 East 03 low ‘299 AT Bhydwptht town? stokes ta Utah son a tow-e- pnee IWIWHIIB - 479 Fssg Aooew portable CD Anti-Shoc- k r Accessories Headphones I Mvonanty V 59 STOKES CREDIT IflwmonMypreymenfe EareCmtQJUL moss MkrjovoM res as no woo 4 Head HIFI stereo video recorder SM Player w! ran ora urns SAMSU iBnoauMtinB Kenwood Audio Video receiver wootbyPro logit ton al CONFAB and car OaidfEST iwa ra 1 tion JhL reswtr 7PQX twr rep mm SONY aufu cd Portable Stereo hertw tor sum- mer Am with mega bast and coc to operation ft iv i Vy srad UPTOWNS Zf inmcnrtni I fl f" sratmwWiDotoy Pro logic mother until Friday July 31 1998 Monday July Anytime between 10:00 am and 5:00 pm mumittMamcomer Complete Home Theater 5 speaker sound rvre SONY MShandycam w Might Shot rein pats confab ATM stereo System 13 599 ro pot ha an Our DEMOS FISAS vQssfrHome speakers Hie speaker spectators' Come to Sunrise Cydery 7 j "Thanks to you and alvoursdep people who iacenntreadngcu mm wmm Where were we? Well you can have your scapegoat and you can say he's guilty but to me he is still my toother and even more the hero! You can - "Keep up tht good wort! ihopa as of your cunomiri appreciate you as much as i dor sssMim us CD Changer The j O Continued from Page 25 heart-stoppi- 99 comm auki BaawBaurerem Stom Hour 10 mm--r fh 10S Ctoeed Sunday XOCMV IBs rn M fmancmg wwungooockdit 100 : |