Show m W v&g- ' w w" w- 'iilii imliMiif ji m iTi r ii The Herald Journal Logan Utah Sunday October 13 1996 — Page 23 Tennis isn’t for the poor or the squeamish By Dave Barry The Miami Herald of crowd where you can paint your body and dance on the seats and blow on giant plastic horn and wear an animal-shaped hat the size of a fire hydrant and scream insults at the officials so loud that traces of your saliva w jnd up in the hair of people sitting 38 rows in front of you and you will not even be noticed Q I went to the US Open tennis tournament which is a big tennis event in New York City which by the way has gotten much nicer say this I because as I was getting out oi a taxi I was stanled by the sound of a woman's voice coming from somewhere behind me saying something 'like st cost of helicopter maintenance the type of individual who does not personally do Ihe Wave because he or she mgs! I assume that was has a staff for that purpose Tennis has tried to soften its elitist image via such h programs as having the top players go into the inner cities and donate their used polo ponies to the poor But the sport still attracts mainly your conservative reserved fan The a recorded announcement public-outreac- being played as y part of New York's campaign Either (bat or some poor woman is locked in the trunk and if you keep listening she says: “Please get me out of here!" But gelling back to the US Open: 'Ibis is definitely the place to be il you visitor-courtes- want to see the finest tennis players in the world throw up (More on this Jaler) But I warn you: You mighl be intimidated bv the crowd 1 was I'm more used to football crowds the type type of individual the type of individual who is genuinely concerned about the rising cost of helicopter mainte- US Tennis is not like this The entire US Open crowd makes less noise cheering Jets fan makes I’ll tell you doesn't appeal than a single New York burping one reason why tennis to ihe masses: The rules were invented by insane people (specifically ihe French) If you look at a normal sport such as baseball you see that the rules are very logical: three strikes is an out unless the third one is st upper-cru- wine-sn- ot Open crow d is made up mainly of your wine-sn- ot wealthy upper-crutype of individual the type of individual who is genuinely concerned about the rising “Please check for your personal belong- this made up mainly of your wealthy whnb shi KUakd the startling information rh-- r according to a study commissioned by her and performed by the Surgeon fjcncral — LXIKOSI IS OOOD I OK YOU I am dead serious They gave out a press kit and everything It wasn't made clear why Secretary Shalala chose to announce this at a tennis tournameni where the participants and mosi of the spectators already engage in a physical activity (tennis) Wouldn't it have been more logical for her to make her announcement at some cvcrv-body’- US Open crowd is The i with “ad” I think a big reason win s tennis crowds are w quiet is that there “Whai thinking: sitting the HLL1 is the score?” This is not to say that tennis imi t exciting I saw a moment at the US Open — the tennis world is still talking about this moment — when Fete Sampras with the score tied (also know n as “deuce”) (or possibly “ad") in the fifth “set” (or possibly “gamc 'l of an extremely tense “match" (or “furlong”) reached deep within himsilf and — as the truly great athletes will — ralpbed (or in tennis lingo “lobbid bis lunch") right on the court And then he won! Ihe crowd was so excited that at the end of the match one fan — I swear I am not making this up — ran down to courtsidc and got the aciua) towel that had been used to dean up after Sampras The fan then left the sodium proudly waving this fabulous trophy over his head Imagine: A towel containing Pete Sampras actual puke! Everybody at the country club is going to be SO jealous! Let me stress that despile the Sampras episode tennis is good for your health I know this because while 1 w as at the US Open Donna Shalala the US Secretary of Health and Human Services materialized for no apparent reason and held a press conference at nance a foul tip (but NOT if the catcher catches it) or if the catcher drops the third strike in which case the batter may advance provided that there are runners on first or first and second and fewer than two outs no wait that’s the Infield Fly Rule But my point is that baseball makes sense whereas tennis has a virtually random scoring system When players win a “point” most of the time they actually get 15 points except sometimes for no apparent reason they get 10 points and sometimes (this is dur- ing the they get one point and sometimes they get NO points which means they are at “deuce” which has something to do “lie-breaker- ”) locale where people mostly just sit around doing nothing such as a bar or golf course? Do you suppose she really just wanted to watch the US a Open? Are other Cabinet members going to pull the same scam? Are we going to see lor example the Secretary of Transportation showing up at the Super Bow to announce that according to a study ihe Earth is round? But ne'er mind that The poinl is that according to a study paid for by your per serial tax dollars exercise is good for you Doesn't that make you w ant to get up and DO yjmething? It definitely makes me want 1o do something Somehody get me a towel Your view ' t iS m?n Continued from Page 1 ' mean w ho would pay big bucks for the lousiest seating in the 21 the 15 yardline northward Besides there was no indication or sign posted on the stands that the general admission area were to be or had been sold as reserved seats As as we swallowed our pride and hauled out our blankets and kids out of the stands another BYU fan looked me accusatory-ithe eye a if chasiising a sinner ' Why did y ou dare sit in some- first quarter a man pushed his way through the stands and declared we were silling in HIS seals What do you mean YOL K seats This is a designated general admission area: there are no To my chagrin aDd amazement the USU lickel office had sold ihe designated general admission As for that snide BYU fan 300 bumper-lo-bump- i traffic all the er wav back to Provo fiTPrpjKtionsiecTi' Color Pictu’t-i'Pirjr- e Dual Antenna Randy Clark and if you ignated sealing absolute! v have to al least have 1 Theatre Projection IfGl Home Stereo Monitor Receiver you traveled home ia that iheu USU tickel people stop selling tickets at 30OW nut 32X Don't bump ihe general admission people from their des- season I hope you savored your v ictory as If ihe stadium capacity is seals we occupied out from under us How could they ? Contractually they couldn't: it's part of the a And maybe we could arrange for y ou to be the tackling dummy the next time the football team scrimmages a la mode McBride body eJse's scats?” be said Nobody is more irrilaiing than a self righteous BYU fan No wonder tJtey keep them in Provo reserv ed seats in this section ticket package At first 1 couldn'l believe it ihe courtesy to announce it and post it Personal foul on USU Ticketing To the person who decided to oversell ihe stadium sealing You mighl think il okay having your Aggie fans and students standing three deep in the aisles and corridors or in the dirt with the lams and chiggers while the visiting team fans occupy our seals (Incidentally there were people with suits and ties there w ith us) whole stadium? You can see past on the cement circle on the souih end of the stadium and the sec-lio21 and 22 in the east bleaches These seals aren't great but hey USU football is We sat our large family in section 21 because the circle seats were filled Midway through the agreement of buying S 3“ 1 Logan : I - r ir!rjs Audio System" iT: yra 'i: t icrtnrari H tu I j?rit WiVweK W irteres ifc’W t!S 12 Mxrns is r: CsOi- 5 vsu - W1TAL te'-p's:- m ho video Recorder HITACHI 35" f 'UttravisioriPlP i Dd6iSrwrc Soirc rr y Si!: v) fji: k' LTjrjx s r’f'yi - ' '?' 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