Show MMlMbadoiM Hsvioti mjr I wade Im to tars JM I drank” sfca mrltas “Whan I drank lfattbaaatifal)rauig HhMiaiitar used that draught as a weapon when I modeled For most of my life felt I was a fraud People might say I looked okay but what did they know really? Arid what if they learned the truth? I worked my way through college — Pennsylvania State University four hours from home I developed a figure One day as a candidate for Miss PSU in front of 22000 students I was asked: "What was the most challenging event for you to overcome?” I answered: “My father's lobotomy” People recoiled I had wanted to win the contest not only for myself but also for my father But by saying that to people unprepared to understand 1 defeated myself 1 had always privately felt like a loser Now I was a public one Why should I win? If the truth were known underneath almost anyone was better prettier To escape the sadness and anger that turned resukedfrom my low to alcohol and other drugs After graduation from PSU 1 returned home and began teaching school Some evenings another teacher and 1 would go to a piano bar on sophisticated Square in nearby Philadelphia A whiskey sour with 9 pretty orange and a cherry became my first drink It looked elegant and made me feel ele- I wanted to be from the Main Line gh society of Grace Kelly and Happy Rockefeller instead of from middle-clas- s Springfield Delaware County The more I drank the more superior I felt—until the next day When I wasn’t drinking 1 felt cut off odd ashamed of my family Ashamed of feeling ashamed A my T ardess and tried to fly away from my 1 family my past On my first flight became airsick and learned to take Dnmamine before flying During flights to the Orient I developed insomnia and soon became addicted to sleeping pills Stewardesses weren’t allowed to drink on duty but alcohol was free to first-clapassengers Drinking made me feel more like diem rather than their waitress I drank and joined the elite “Success didn’t stop me from Liter In the fall of '75 1 was flown to Hollywood to test for the starring role a film about a kidnapped sex symbol te movie was never made but my agent said “If you want to act you gotta live in LA” I moved to LA Within the movie industry I became a sex symbol without a film Stars came to me I dated them all Ifound more escapes—marijuana and cocaine And then I faced a fact: I was 1 an alcoholic sef-estee- ss me to model and w as I grew up even Mom said I’d been bom with a perfect body So I took a leave of absence in Paris with hope of learning a new profession Since Parisians HUM KUfiAZM JUNE U 1M7 FME S drank with every meal so did I Copiously Sober I found the French intimidating But when I drank I felt better funnier than they and— more imfelt they liked me that I fit portant-! in After about three months I was photographed by Guy Bourdin for Vogue I returned to New York quit Pan Am and pursued modeling I met and soon mamed a struggling sculptor Ron Mallory It was 1969 I was 27 Ron had many rich and famous friends He taught me how to dress talk be chic fit in Each June I'd model in Paris then join Ron in the French resort of St Tropez The topless women there conflicted with the values I’d learned from Mom After a few glasses of wine I would become jealous and on occasion violent Some nights I couldn’t stop drinking And Ron had said I was bad in bed Again it became clean My outsides might appear sexy to the world but we knew I was a fraud In 1971 now a successful model and relatired of supporting this one-siddivorced I with earnings tionship my Ron Mallory I felt I had failed as a wife apd as a lover and I was terrified to live alone I needed Valium to sleep My father had developed epilepsy I went home to visit After a seizure in a hospital Dad was put in a s traitjacket As I looked at him twitching beneath the straps he begged: “Please take it off Carole'' But! couldn’t That was just when I was on the covers of Newsweek Cosmopolitan and New York I was famous all right But it was of no help to my father I discovered another escape route sex ed One night alone with my TV I saw Betty Ford on the screen She warned of the lethal combination of Valium and wine “Look what the Presidency did to that pom: woman!" I thought reaching for my Valium and finishing my wine I was in a dozen movies from '75 to 9 and my photograph appeared on IS magazine covers I looked sexy I made love to stars And I drank When I drank I felt beautiful young and as beloved as a star— except when I drank too much and threw up in chic places My father died in '76 and I began using cocaine My addiction to sex with stars was over They had all left me By '78 1 was living with a rock ’n’ roll clothing designer and his baby son What did we have in common? Wine ale booze marijuana cocaine and tiki bowls stolen from Trader Vic’s which I’d throw at him when I was high More than once 1 challenged him to kill me We had violent brawls By now I was seeing a therapist “Has anyone ever told you you’re an alcoholic?" she asked My response was quick: “I only drink wine It’s chic” I laughed —the denying laugh of an alcoholic She didn’t laugh She called the head of die detoxification program at St John's Hospital in L A I answered his questions honestly He told me I was an alcoholic I didn’t deny it this time How my life had fallen apart! I remembered a luncheon aboard a yacht in die Mediterranean with Prince Rainier and Princess Grace The prince had asked me to sit by his side Now I lived in a tenement with someone rise’s child one set of sheets and no curtains I realized I couldn’t run anymore My therapist introduced me to the late Gordon MacRae who had been the star of Oklahoma! and was a recovering alcoholic Gordon introduced me to people who were doing their best to give up drinking and drugs They shared their continued |