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Show Editorial SALT FLAT NEWS, MARCH, 1975 PHOF1VIY 3 I IEF THE SALT FLAT NEWS FLIES AGAIN Faithful readers whove perused the special collection rooms of libraries from Princeton to Patagonia can fokp heart; fanatics whove rummaged through trash barrels and unwrapped a shoal of. flounders can perk up their ears; irate subscribers whove stormed our office can put down their pitchforks. The Salt Flat News is back, and this time we hope to stay. For those, like Harry Reasoner, who havent heard a word from us since 1972, we note that not much hs happened since then that would catapult Wendover into the frontal lobe of the American mind. NASA has elected to locate its space shuttle elsewhere, and although scientists are now eyeing the west Utah desert as a site for an astrophysics observatory and possibly a nuclear radio station, we are assured that such plans are still confined to the drawing board, and that the radiation woyld produce no noticeable biological effects. We hope not, anyway. Until such time as the network biggies can fly out, well keep an ear to the salt and do our best to keep our readers up to date on whats happening at this lonely bureau in the desert. SOME EVEL THOUGHTS One of the mysteries of our time is how three astronauts, sitting atop a thirty-si- x story rocket containing volatile to chemicals blow enough up Florida, their destination the moon, can fail to excite the American public. On the other hand, a stuntman from Futte lashes himself to a water heater, takes aim on the other side of a river, and the world holds its breath. The lesson to be learned here, I think, is the value of a good publicity agent. Were NASA to engage in similar daredeviltry, they might be able to turn the next moon venture. shot into a money-makin- g could First, they replace the usual clean cut crew with a more charismatic cargo. How about Evel Knievel as commander and Norman Mailer as And for navigator, Raquel Welsh. Next, replace the bland uh, roger script with a ippy science fiction scenario. For a month before blast-ofKnievel could tour the country, flashing a phony payroll and holding news conferences wherein he would speculate on the high probability of engine failure and the likelihood of being lost in space forever. Meanwhile, copilot Mailer could be typing up reams of metaphysical factoids detailing his theory that the moon is in fact a piece of cheese, but the dairy industry has been conspiring with the government to keep it a secret. As ground control readied the rocket, Raquel in her spacesuit will have already launched a new fashion craze, the pneumatic look. Millions of paid spectators, eager to catch a glimpse of the rocket carrying these three yahoos into the Atlantic Ocean, would crowd Floridas beaches, leaving in their wake a six' foot deep residue of beverage cans stretching from Miami to Jacksonville. The used aluminum alone would pay the overhead; the rest would be pure gravy. co-pilo- t? f, star-spangl- ed WHY NOT PRODUCTIVITY REBATES? A dollar wasted is a dollar wasted. As oil is the fuel of the western world, waste is the breakfast of inflation. Most, if not all, corporations accept waste as part of the normal cycle of productivity. To them, zero waste is unthinkable. Why should an employer not say to an employee, You save us a dollar and we will give you a cash rebate of twenty-fiv- e cents? Multiply this a hundred thousand executive million a or times times, and the highest-pai- d will no longer be the chairman of the board, but rather the janitor now cordially referred to as the chairman of the floor. In all probability, management would not go for such a rebate system. After all, managements task is to manage and management means productivity, doesnt it? We think not. Productivity is determined by the worker and his performance on the job. Performance is keyed to real incentives, and certificates, engraved watches, or token payments (an example would be one thousand dollars for saving two million) do not qualify under the heading of real incentives. The Incentive Rebate System (IRS) could be implemented in every business from government to prostitution. The tost of setting up such a program would be minimal in terms of time, cash, and paperwork, and whatever expense accrued would be quickly justified. After all, seventy-fiv-e percent net savings is better than one hundred percent waste. CARTOON Editor's Note: The following is a transcript of a national radio feature broadcast October 8, 1974, by Harry Reasoner, of the ABC nightly news. Reprinted by permission of ABC News. Awhile back, I found an unusually thick envelope in my office mail box. The packet wasnt ticking, so I opened it. But, to tell the truth, Im still not sure what was inside. Oh, I know what seemed to be inside: Eight back issues of a newspaper called the Salt Flat News, which bills itself as The only paper in the world that gives a damn about what happens on the Salt Flats. printed on newsprint, has columns and pictures and all but it doesnt sound much' like any other paper Ive ever come across. Thats why Im still not quite sure what was inside that envelope a bunch of newspapers or a put-oIf Im to rely on what the Salt Flat News tells me, it is the picture newspaper of Wendover, Utah, with a circulation of 80,000. That at least sounds like, its on the But the further I got in my reading of those back issues, the less things started For theres instance, sounding. an article on a young artist who plans to label the planet earth n. up-and-u- p. up-and-- so that any outer-spac- e passers-b- y will know where they are when they do pass by. He claims to have the labelling all worked out, with giant letters thousands of miles across, built to straddle HoMaway m mz 0, Now, the Salt Flat News looks like , a newspaper its by Richard continents and oceans, eventual- ly spelling out Thats a major strain on the credulity, but there are a number of minor strains as well. Theres a headline, for instance, which reads: A devilish new tale by Deputy Dump. Thats on page one, mind you, so it must be pretty important. Towards the back of one issue, theres a pretty clear picture of a man with his back to the camera, caught in the act of throwing his hat into the air. The photos caption reads as follows: Remarkable photograph taken by Alvin Pratt . . . shows running away from hunter, Unidentified object is believed to be flying saucer. Though each issue of the Salt Flat News is only 12 pages long, each issue has enough of that sort of thing to keep a read-e- r sas-quat- 12-pa- ge guessing . . . from the Bob to Demise of the Memoirs of a Water Witch. Two-Ca- r Even after a considerable study of the Salt Flat News, I still .wasnt sure whether the paper was on the level or not. I was finally straightened out, though, by an editorial in one of the issues, which says under the title of The Original Dullsville that, even in an area of ten thousand square miles, and with a population of less than four thousand, , there is still news i . . news about nothingness: no college students, no communists, no womens lib movement, no pornography, no real estate developments . . . nothing. Im. really glad they finally explained what the paper is all about. Ill be back with a closing note after this: COMMERCIAL Actually, its good to know that, though things are jumping at a furious pace elsewhere, theres still one sizable plot of land in America where nothing much goes on, and that theres a newspaper to keep people apprized of that fact. Of course, the. last issue of the Salt Flat News I got was dated May, 1972. Something may have happened by now. Im Harry Reasoner, ABC News, New York, and this has been The Reasoner. Report on American Information Radio. A familiar sight and sound in Wendover is Cody Lewis, 18, and his Bultaco motorbike. To keep in shape between motocross races, the 125cc expert "pops wheelies" along a road near his home. The practice must pay off: Cody has been the number one rider in his class in Utah for the past two years. |