Show ni nirrT j a It Is better to have your watch repaired by us in the first place than to bring it to us after scftne incompetent man has nearly ruined It We will make it keep time In either case but It costs less to come here Irr the first place NORTHWEST Greuf 'Humoruis ' Selections 170 "MAIN ST from SALT LAKE CITY UTAH ai to patentProcedure request Send sketch and description of your invention Harry J Robinson Attorney at Law and Solicitor 304-lof Patents Judge Building Salt Lake City 4pWi ? the XV Makers r itin s of of the Mirth Hest 'Knotan Advice ability and FREE npon Your Liver A bad liver is a public enemy It is morose and growly and picks fault in It breaks up families and everything creates dissensions among neighbors It is suspicious envious and quarrelsome There is nothing the state vneed to get after on the score of the general welfare more than the bad vile and riotous livers which occupy the land — Ohio State Journal $2500— CALI FORN Salt Lake Route now selling Colonist Tickets above rate to San Francisco San Jose Santa Barbara San Diego on nearest Call Los Angeles etc agent Gangrene of Caste In India Those who have not lived in India nor have made a special' study of its unique conditions can hardly understand the differences and hatreds that exist among the different peoples?” Between the Mussulman and the Hindu the Punjabi and the Bengali the Sikh and the Brahmin and between many of the smaller divisions of religion race and caste there is no such thing and if as cohesion or to a small degree the rigid lines of caste have been broken down here and there so that labor and commerce under modern conditions have been made possible it is due in no small degree to the efforts of Great Britain i Grow Old Along With Me Yes they are gliding swiftly by We there’s no two ways about it sigh to think that we are growing old sadly inevitably growing old that the evil days draw nigh when thou shalt say: “I have no pleasure in them” when the summer shower of disappointment and of grief shall not pass as once' It did and the sun) come out again pretty soon as once it did but the clouds return after the rain the bleak November sky of old ge when the clouds return after the rain Let them be ‘‘hours of toil and danger” if they must be but oh how gladly would we detain them! There is so much for us to do or ever the evil days shall come We are like Lear that held his derd daughter in Lis arms and cried aloud: ‘‘Cordelia ' Cordelia! stay a little!”— Eugene Wood In Collier's Next morning when he arose he found to his astonishment that all he money had been abstracted from O Nesbit the pockets of his trousers lence and to his great surprise he When he came home to dinner that was met by his wife night the cook was gone and his wife She carried a lamp in her hand she was in the kitchen mad as a wet hen wore a white garment and her golden because the bread hadn’t raised He mildly expressed a desire that dinner should be served and to his utter amazempnt the partner of his Joys and sorrows bounced a rolling pin off his head hit him with a flat iron and threatened to go home to mother At the table he ventured the opinion that the steak was npt quite as appetizing as the steaks his mother used to prepare and to his alarm the wife of his bosom seized the meat It platter and threw it at him crashed against his devoted head and — He awoke shuddering He was still in the easy chair In which he had taken his nap after dinner and his beloved wifeTn her new directoire gown and wide wide hat was merrily tapping him on the brow and the bracelet with her hand trinkets at her wrist jingling pleasantly Wife1 "Give Me An theater “Aren’t we going to the locks were knotted into a thousand dear?” she asked “I found you dozweird shapes by means of little paing here How do I look?” pers about “There’s nothing She grasped him firmly by the ear you thank heaven!” he exclaimed led him into the parlor and demanded earnestly of him an explanation 1909 by W G (Copyright Chapman) The Good Old Times By Wilbur Once upon a time dearly beloved there was a man who was always bemoaning the fact that times and people are not what they used to be One night he sat in his library near tho 11 feet 0f and Thackeray Dickens waiting for his wife to come downstairs and drag him away from his happy home to a theater Sitting there he laid his head back on the cushioned top of the easy chair and mused sadly upon the rapid deterioration of the world Suddenly there was a whizz and a whirr and a cute little fairy stood before him waving a wand ‘‘What is it?” asked the man “Ask what you wish” replied the cute little fairy giving her gossamer skirts a toss “Ask what you wish I atu your good fairy and I am here to grant your wishes” “My wish!" sighed the man “My wish! Give me an wife — one of the noble women who helped uprear and construct the lasting fabric of civilization and—" The fairy had waved her wand and was gone and a peal of silvery laughter tinkled into silence as she left Later that night the man having had occasion to remain at his club for some time he let himself in at the front door with due caution and si- - A Plot for a Play Loomis Charles Battell By Here is the scenario of a play that mean to write when I have 'time to A play Is not like a story that do it can be dashed off on a typewriter in a few minutes Playwriting — playwriting that really produces masterpieces — takes time and I am so busy these days that it sometimes looks as if all the masterpieces would be written before I began mine The first act is to be laid in some will admit of faraway clime that handsome and expensive scenery Old King Bismillah is on his throne when the curtain goes up He is a customer with an I chin Enter the beautiful princess She has been weeping off cage containing them is pulled off stage and the young man bends on his knee and says: “Father I cannot marShe is good looking ry Porsonobah I wish for a but shrewdish happy married life or else I would rather be a bachelor” "Then leave me at once You need not marw her you marry some one I will cut ypu off with a matter of 50f lira- If you bring a suitable wife I shajl settle a dowry of a million dollars upon her in American money” "I never saw the woman I could love” says his son and starts off stage “I am going aeroplaning father I may never come back”"Don’t be foolish my son Go get a wife and all will be well” Tire " No Chance for a Romance A young woman living in the neighand Cumberborhood of Thirty-thirland streets the other morning bought grocery a dozen eggs On at a near-bwas scratched one among them there the name with address of "a young farmer up the state He had also wriU a that the perrequest ten on the egg son buying it write to him The young woman wrote a letter to the tiller of the soil and received an answer in which the farmer declared himself pleased at having heard from ' her etc He wound his letter up with: “I hope you did not eat the egg as 1 Philawrote that on it a year ago"— ' delphia Record $2500— CALIFORNIA—$2500 Salt Lake Route now selling Colonist Tickets above rate to San Francisco Pan Jose Santa Barbara San Diego Call on nearest Los Angeles etc agent The Stumbling Block ‘‘I’d tell my friends frankly of all my faults” says the Philosopher of They’d Folly ‘‘but for one thing believe what I told 'em” iViiVivyYAVrrvwyvvvvvvwvvvwyvwvvvvvww Brandy and Soda $2500— CALIFORNIA— $2500 Salt Lake Route now selling Colonist Tickets above rate to San Francisco San Jose Santa Barbara San Diego nearest on Call Los Angeles etc agent Vast Areas Still Unknown David George Hogarth the geographer and explorer said that in western Asia there are vast areas on which no European foot is known to have trod nor even any European eye to have looked The greatest unseen area lies Almost all the southern In Arabia half of Arabia is occupied according to native report by a vast wilderness ‘‘Dwelcalled generally No European ha9 ling of the Void” ever entered this immense tract which embraces some 600000 square It would take a bold man to miles venture out for the passage of either 850 miles west to east or 650 north to south in the isothermal zone of the world’s greatest heat aiM Anyone can write the last act' Of course Terliapoolah wanders around in the desert until she is nearly dead with hunger and not an owl wagon in sight Suddenly a speck in the sky It grows larger and larger comes nearer and nearer the earth and at last dips gently down and out of the aeroplane steps Prince Corofabah It’s love at first sight He asks her hand is accepted they go to see her father who likes the prince settles kingdom on his daughter and then they go to see King Oppertywapperty who hands out a million dollars Two kings are satisfied two lovers are overjoyed and if you want you may have a tableau showing a wedding with all the slaves and lions given the freedom of the city It’s a corking idea for a play and I have time I’m going to write it so hands off please 1909 by W G (Copyright Chapman) By H M The worn man in the the reminiscent look in the black bag had been saloon with his eyes and trying to introduce himself into the conversation for some time Somebody had been talking of the English remittance man “Speaking about Englishmen” said the worn man “nearly all I’ve known were down on their luck Claude Smythe was the exception for he had slews of money and I got a job as his valet He said to me one my morning: ‘Thompson pack trunks We are going to Alaska for bears’ “We had our sleigh loaded down below the plipisoll mark when we set out along the trail Among other things I had packed up a half case of brandy and a dozen bottles of soda for Mr Smythe relished a brandy and soda now and then We’d been along the trail aweek looking for bears when one night Mr Smythe says to - "What Wish Is for You to Count Oopilapah” Marry stage and continues to weep on the stage as she advances slowly toward her father’s throne “Are you adamant father?” asks she “That isn’t my name but that’s what I am” he answers in deep rough to go shudders tones that cause through the slaves who are sprinkled around the stage just for scenic effect “But father I do not love anyone" says Terliapoolah What “Don’t talk to me of love I wish is for you to marry Count He comes of a splendid Oopilapah family and this line must bek carried on love or no love Either marry him or become a real outcast” She exits her father looking uncompromising The second act is laid in some eastern country I haven’t decided just where it is td be but it’s a place where they know all about aeroplanes King Oppertywapperty is discovered sitting under a canopy viewing a half dozen real lions fighting noisily To him comes his son very dejected looking He attempts to speak “I can’t hear you Corofabah” says the king “Here haul those lions off” V me: ""‘Thompson I think I could do with and S mixed strong By the way Thompson I notice that whenever I order a brandy and sod'a or whisky and soda the soda’s beastly sweet’"By May we were frozen in in a snow hut on the upper Palaloosa All this time we had been traveling up the stream hoping to float down with the spring tides but the ice never melted and we were at our wit’s end for food And all our dogs had died But the worst blow was when our lime Juice gave out “Centlemen" said the worn man his empty regarding meditatively glass "did any of you ever suffer from scurvy? Lime or lemon juice are the And only things that will cure you all our lime and lemon juice was gone I didn’t get the disease bad but the was awful Englishman “ ‘Thompson get me some lime Juice at once’ Bays he thinking he was in his club his mind so to speak wandering "‘Very good sir’ I replied going to look for down to the Palaloosa a B Egbert some I might as well have looked there as anywhere else The ice had broken at last and the spring freshets were pouring their floods into the upper river Presently I saw something floating along the river among the floes and I reached out with a long stick and guided it In "Gentlemen It was that identical case of lemon soda which the Englishman had pitched off the sledge at the beginning of our journey “ ‘Would lemon juice do as well sir?’ says I going in to Mr Smythe “ ‘Thank you he anThompson’ swered just as if he was in his club “ ‘And a little brandy to flavor it if I might make so bold’ says I “ ‘Yes Thompson’ he says so weakly that the tears came into my eyes “I watched him drink down that brandy and soda and I saw him fall into a calm peaceful sleep And gentlemen that sweet lemon soda saved our lives We built a raft and floated back to civilization bringing with us 12 magnificent bearskins” “Hold hard" said the barman “Did you not say that you had been traveling up the Palaloosa? Now if the case was dumped out on the ice and then you went on up the stream how do you account for its floating against the current?” “That’s easy” answered the worn man “You see one of them bottles Well the gas in that wa9 leaking soda was so powerful strong that It overcame the drift of the current and effervesced its way up stream We saved a bottle and had it analyzed on our return and it appeared the manufacturers had accidentally put in some Mr chemicals which did the work Smythe built a factory and is turning it out by the million I have a sample here — Smythe’s Perfect Soda — and if I can put you down for a half dozen cases — ” Then he The worn man ceased described a parabola over the swing door and landed exactly in the center of the street 1909 by W G (Copyright Chapman) NOTES was ViHed Garrett William Hot- Springs Ore by Harry English in a fight over a dog English formerly resided in Albany Ore He was employed as a teamster Fire of unknown origin destroyed fivo buildings in the business section Colo of Granaua causing a loss oi $100000 Tha town has no live apparatus and for a time the entire city was threatened Two men held up "Dick’s” saloon in The two men Carson City Nevada entered the saloon one remaining at the front door wihle the other robbed the three men in the saloon The yob bers secured about $700 At a meeting of the Montana demurrage bureau held in Butte March di10 Robert Engle was rector of the bureau The session of the railroad men was devoted principally to the discussion of routine railroad matters The Nevada assembly has passed a bill making it a felony for directors or any officer of a banking company to receive a deposit when a bank is The measure was passed insolvent to remedy the defect in the Nevada banking laws Prominent sheepmen from several parts of Wyoming arrived at Cheyenne March 11 to protest before the 6tate board of equalization against valuation of sheep assessed the which they claim is much higher than the present market price The lower house of the Nevada legislature' has passed a bill providing for a graduated license for prize lightA state license costing $1000 ing will be required for an unlimited-rounfor twenty-fivaffair $500 rounds and $250 for twenty rounds About 3000000 acres of land In the counties along the eastern border of Wyoming are to be thrown open at who will be once to homesteaders allowed to take either ICO or 320 acres The land cannot be irrigated and (will be for use for dry fanning only Jesus Ramrez a Mexican tramp while endeavoring to board a fast freight train at Boewawe Nev caught his foot In a frog of the track and was pulled under the wheels his both legs being severed from body at the thighs death resulting an hour later Enormous losses of sheep among the flocks of the Red Desert district of Wyoming are reported as a result of the deep snow and the inability of the sheep to get to feed In some bands it is said the loss will amount to 50 per cent and one flockmaster 13 reported to have lost 60000 head in the last month over continued Despondent without funds and preferring a horrible death under the wheels of a locomotive to the county poor house Palmer Paulson a Norwegian rancher living at Elk Park deliberately laid down with his head on the rail in front of a Northern Pacific passenger train at Butte and was killed Captain J A Mitchell of company I of the Montana national guard located at Glendive has tendered his resignation to Governor Norris and at Helena which the was about to take testimony in connection with charges of infractions of the military rules and disobedience of orders it Is understood has been dissolved of Edward Smith city marshal shot and Instantly Moorcroft Wyo killed Herman Holcomb a bartender whom he found in company with Mrs Smith at the postoffice at 'Gillette Smith it is said has suspected improper relations between his wife and Holcomb and came to Gillette to investigate An explosion of a barrel of paint used for covering smokestacks came dangerously near causing the deaui of Dallis Meyers and H I Johnson Pacific Southern employes of the The barrel shops at Carlin Nevada of paint had been placed on a stove to thaw when it exploded covering the men with the hot fluid The four Italians who held up and robbed Theodore Nedehft of $31 near 24 and February Birdseye Mont who were afterward arrested in Butte pleaded guilty in the district court and were sentenced by Judge Clements each to one year in the state penitentiary Senator Patrick Daly of Deer Lodge county died suddently on March 8 at his home in Anaconda Montana '"of heart trouble He was a brother of Marcus Daly the Montana millionaire fand widely known in Montana Utah and Nevada He leaves a modest fortune Joshua Klein Is on trial at Tacoma his with enticing by charged strange teachings two Tacoma girls Miss Sauvegeot and Miss Karasek to nis chalet in Switzerland and holding them prisoners with a number of other women who had become devotees of his cult James H Holt found guilty last December of the murder of Henry E Johnson at the Fort Worden military near reservation Port Townsend Wash whose body had been placed in a furnace has been sentenced to A motion for aplife imprisonment peal will be filed ' |