Show rr Kg 5£ ' TH E PAPER A leveled to Cents Scents Sense nml Nonsense Principal Editor UNO IIOO UI3ET URLIFE Deputy Asst Editor Usp'y As jt’s ClePwX 13 I T 12 B M & : Per Annum in Adnmeo Six Months Z - Ness H 50 10") lo A T E H: Five Copies to one address $ 5 CO Ten Copies to One Address and one to the clubber 1000 - Single Copies CUJll 11 £& For sale by all respectable Newsdealer everywhere A 3 TERTIS EME NTS Owing to the limited space devoted to Advertising we shall be under the necessity of restrict mg Advertisements to T E N lines or less Terms each insertion fifty ci!XT3 a line WP" All Communications on Jusincss in order must be address d—UNO to receive attention IIoo & Co Box D THURSDAY Salt Lake City - - - SEPT 15 1870 sdiv orzae I Gentle jRcadti: —The news in our telegraphic dispatches from the SGat of war this morning will be found unusually inThere is one significant fact teresting connected with these dispatches viz: t lie inhabitants of Mccklinburg Schwerin” Now the Dutch are not easily moved and there must if they have got be something to swear at The intelligent reader will have observed that we never publish any dispatches from King William dated after four pm lor the reason that Dutchmen experience considerable difficulty in taking an observation after that hour of the day We don’t say wThat causes this mental fog— we simply note the fact King William intends to starve the French people to death Now we wish King William eveiy success in this laudable undertaking but we sadly fear lie will fail in this project as the French have the: largest Seine in the world full of fish right in the capital and a whole city of Ham not far off The Paris journals are short of paper we feared this would be the case when we heard of the capture of Rhdms by the Prussians The delay in the march on Paris is caused by the refusal of several Prussian regiments to leave Nancy The French enjoy great facilities for fishing but in order to make it a complete success they should have KEEPAPITCHININ secured the city of Wuvms before the war broke out None desire peace in France so ardently as the Prussians but the difficulty appears to be that the French think they want too large a piece One effect of this war will be to increase the number of Saints in Europe as most of the French people have been canonized Should the Prussians succeed in taking Paris the inhabitants contemplate getting up a grand haicl There will be no difficulty in sack mg Paris but the trouble is to get them into the transports It is said that the Emperor Napoleon is cultivating a cancer in his stomach and wants to be sent to Helena hut the Prussian soldiers have become so attached to him that he finds it impossible to get away — — Deseret Boy got McNewman’s head in Chancery and played a regular tatoo on his ojronh’s with texts from the 1st of Generations to the last of Revolutions when he was taken hack to Ills corner and sponged off FOURTH ROUND McN ewman came up wildly beating the air with his sinister mawley (his dexter having been dislocated in the last round) He however succeeded in planting an ugly epithet in O'Patt’s diaphragm below tbc belt when tbe audience cried “a fpwl! ” and he was taken awav FIFTH ROUND O’Patt had it all his own Mc- wa Newman struggled manfully to maintain his position but the apostolic knocks were too heavy for him O’Patt threw David Solomon Abraham and Uriah the SS1NC1 ! Hittitc at him and struck him in the bread-baskwith one of the gates of the The Three Hays’ Fight with the Heavy New Jerusalem inscribed with the names of the twelve sons of Jacob by four polyII 'eights ! gamous helpmeets crushed in his ribs O’ P ATT PUTS A HEAD OX McXEW-MAwith a marginal reference and the return AND POLISHES jlllM OFF IN of Leviticus IS IS and hurled him to SIX BOUNDS! grass with a mathematical square root After considerable correspondence in from Deuteronomy SIXTn ROUND which McNewman insisted on having the The of monogamy came up champion hill side and the last blow O’Patt upper quite groggy on his pins threw out his let him have everything his own way resolved to bring him to the scratch if pos- dexter mawley wildly and after a few insible as he showed strong symptoms of effectual attempts to stave off the missiles of his antagonist settled back into the backing down O’Patt chose Zeb Slow as second and arms of his second who threw up the THE PRIZE X while' McNewman selected sponger The Hughey McIIawley as his sponger spongers were both old hands at the business and after a brief consultation selected McPatrick as referee whereupon the fancy of this city were treated to a rich repast of their favorite sport FIRST ROUND O’Palt a novice in the fistic arena was the first to step into the ring but was soon followed by McNewman amid the cheers of the large concourse of the ringites It was observed that both men were in exMcNewman especially cellent condition showed the beneficial effects of his O’Patt training by O’Sutherland opened the ball by a socdologer on the proboscis in the shape of a heavy old text from Zephaniali which turned McNewman over and made him think a mule had kicked him ten-ye- SECOND ROUND sponge Newman is totally demoralized as a prize fighter in the Ring but says if the Deseret Boy wants to fight with paper s at a suitable distpellets from ance he is on hand pop-gun- See last page — — Said a sceptical collegian to an old quak-e- r “I suppose you are one of these fanatics who believe the Bible ?” Quaker — UI do believe the Bible don’t you?” Sceptic— “ No of its truth” Quaker— “Does I can have no proof in France ?” Sceptic — “Yes for though I have not seen it I have seen others who have besides there is plenty of corroborative proof that such a country does exist” Quaker— Then the will not believe anything thee or others has not seen?” Sceptic— No to be sure I won’t” Quaker— Did thee ever see thy own thee believe McNewman sprung around considerbrains?” ' Sceptic — No” ably with the evident intention of displayQuaker — Ever see any one that did?” failed muscle to his and hut agility ing — “No” Sceptic make connections Quaker— Does thee believe tlmo has THIRD ROUND After some preliminary sparring the any?” Exit sceptic much disgusted |