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Show DIXIE SUN Stanton Roseman, f Craig Blake, Opinion Editor Lora Hudson, A&E Editor Maisie Metcalf, NcwsPhoto Editor Wendl F.pps. Advertusing Manager Michelle Nelson Kailee Huger Kale Chapman Tiera Oliver Nate Law Margaret Prevost Jonathan Lisonbee Phil Walker Daniel F.vans Brian Short Rhiannon Bent, Adviser HOWTO REACH US Dixie State College DIXIE SUN North Plaza Building, Room 125 225 South 700 East St George, UT 84770 Phone (435) Fax (435) dmesuntf5dixte.edu edu http:sun.dme The DIXIE SUN distributed each Wednesday during Fall and Spring semesters as a publication of Dixie Slal" College. Arts. Letters and Sciences, and Dixie State College Student Activities The unsigned editorial on ttv opinion page represents the position of DIXIE SUN as determined by its editorial board Otherwise, the views and opinions expressed in DIXIF SUN are those of the individual writers and do not necessarily reflet t the opinions of DIXIE SUN or any entity of the college BY CRAIG BLAKE Sun Opinion Editor Dixie Deer hunt- ing .season is upon us For I hose of you who arent familiar wuth his "doer hunt, explain. Oner hunting season is a manu al lime of your where men trek into the wilderness with a basic agenda to be cold, hungry, discouraged and also to shoot roughly as many aluminum cans as it takes let me to build a Geo Metro. This carries on for at least a week with the eventual goal of going home and taking a nap. Being the expert deer hunter that am, there aren't any seasons have actually hunted any deer. generally get rid of all the unimportant parts of the deer hunt and skip directly to staying home and taking frequent naps. Contrary to popular belief, the best way to hunt deer is not with a I I I gun. In fact, it isnt even necessary to leave your vehicle because the best way to hunt is to drive at ridiculous speeds down your local forest road. According to the Insurance Institute of Highway Safety, there are more than 4,000 deervehicle collisions every day in the United States. And yet, apparently the deer population is still climbing... with 4,000 collisions a day... a day! Since this doesn't seem mathematically possible to me, assume that at least of these collisions actually hit transients with fur coats who were leaping across the road Unfortunately, this method of hunting, while statistically more fruitful, is also much more dangerous as 210 people were killed in collisions with deer or other animals last year Printed on the grave stone is, "But got the deer According to the Institute s study, the collisions are especially intense in November I one-thir- 1 because it is mating season... which apparently is happening mostly in the middle of the road. Not only are deer colli- sions taking hunters lives at an alarming rate, but undercooked venison is also taking its bite out of the hunter population, or at least the less skilled hunter population that actually leaves their truck. In some cases, diseases living in undercooked venison proves fatal. In more rare cases of extreme undercooking, the undercooked venison actually leaps off the table and strangles the hunter to death. This is a very dire situation that deserves immediate national action. The only logical thing to do is to cancel the War on Drugs so that we can better focus on the more important issues ... like the War on Deer Dont you worry your little head, because it all makes perfect sense in mine. First of all, we need to surrender the drug war to the drugs and try to work out a treaty with multiple potheads from a local apartment. Sure it will be embarrassing for a couple of days when the newspapers come out with headlines like, Drugs win Drug War," but think of all the lives we will save at the hands of deer collisions and undercooked venison when we can focus on what is really important. I for one will be the first to welcome our new pothead as long as they are led by professional drug addict Nick Nolte. Then we need to get to work immediately on fighting the War on Deer. Im pretty sure that there is a very logical and mentally sound way to do this, but I do not know what it is. And so I think we should settle for the next best thing, which would be to hire a person to drive around in a fortified truck to take every 4,000 hits the deer can dish out per day. I suggest we give this job to Roseanne Barr, or anyone else who is willing to over-lord- s gnash their teeth for roughly eight hours a day Our second course of action is to agree on a simple way to cook venison using only a flamethrower and a dangerous knife. 1. Take a dangerous knife and skin your deer. 2. Push unwanted or fatty venison into a trash can 3. Push the rest of the venison into a trash can. 4. Go buy some venison at your local supermarket. 5. Shoot your flame thrower Into the air. After we have taken all of these actions. Im sure that America is going to be lead into a brave new world. Its a world where less people die at the hands of deer collisions, a world where less hunters die at the hands of their presumably safe venison. And even more importantly, a world of laughter... a world of euphoric, hazy, marijuana-induce- d |
