| OCR Text |
Show p liO j You and what army? by Ben Walker Dixie Sun Editor in Chief Once again, war is upon us and that means that our country is gomg to need more of . . .us young men to m C' ' . 1 OWE fight m the bat- tlefield But, according to the Armys clever commercials, there is more than one way to help your country m dire times Tm sure youve heard the Army begging you to become an army of one They have something like 212 ways to do so I just thought they needed a few more Therefore, Im dedicating my column space this week to share my ideas for a great army of one Game Show Host A game show host m the Army would boost morale Just imagine an Army version of The Price is Right or some rousmg rounds of Name that Ume What do we have for him, Johnny? A brand new tank' The Army game show hosts would stray from playing The Dating Game, though, seeing as how they would be m either the male or female barracks Fashion Designer I've never really been into the camo look The Army could benefit greatly if its team looked even a little bit suave Im thinking along the lmes of something James Bondish, but that would be left up to the pros I realMilitary Intelligence ize that this job already exists, but Im altering the job description The new military intelligence folks would be required to play dozens of war games every day and report their findings to their Most of these superiors games would be played on Americas secret military intelligence machine developed by Microsoft the Xbox war Filmmaker Every inspires the release of about fifty movies these films Unfortunately, hit the silver screen about fifty years after the war ends Lets bypass the window period by taking Hollywoods finest camera crews to document the actual battles as they happen Give a year for editing and several war flicks will pop up soon after peace has been declared maybe even before' Motivational Speaker Instead of having a general or sergeant yell at you all day long, wouldnt you rather be inspired by someone tramed m motivating people through speech? Forest Ranger During wars, whole armies are often led through forests With all these people passing through Tm sure theres a lot of garbage left behind The forest rangers could comb through after the Army has passed and clean up after them They could also instruct the soldiers about fire safety, and teach them how to keep their picnic baskets away from the smarterthan-the-averagbears While the world knows perfectly well what the armies are doing thousands of miles away, the armies are probably left in the dark about the rest of the world Thousands of paperboys would get up slightly before the crack of dawn and ride their bicycles from here to the Middle East and back to deliver The New York Times, The Washington Post, and the Dixie Sun. Paperboy WE WELCOME LETTERS Submit letters to the editor edu by Limit your submissions to 250 words Include your address and telephone number We will verify all letters Unsigned letters will not be printed We reserve the right to edit submissions for length, accuracy and money? Neither do E--Save Being broke is the worst thing ever. Trust me am. I by Brock Bybee - Dixie Sun News Editor when Ross would outfit you just fme An buffet at is too pricy When youre broke, pocket lint looks like it costs a fortune absolutely hate bemg broke hate it more than a microwave-ablbean and cheese burrtio that is frozen m the center Bemg broke is And when youre terrible broke, you cant look cool You are the geekiest peice of dirt when youre broke Say you want to go out with a girl You cant afford to take her out to dinner someplace mce Instead of a great meal at Tony Romas, to stay m your budget, the 99 cent extravalue meal at Wendys satisfies your hunger It might just be me, but when youre broke everybody wants to borrow money from you as well Hey man, can I borrow five bucks to go get a movie? seems to be a familiar phrase out of all of your friends mouths Things like that make me want to turn back to them and scream loudly mto their ungrateful Hello1 Im living eardums off of gum' Get your own I what I hate more than having an earache while kicking a soccer ball with a toothpick lodged m toenail? my broke Being Honestly Bemg broke is the absolutely worst And feeling m the world there is no place better to experience bemg broke than at college what Im talking about When youre broke, things look dimmer Theres a dark lining on all of the cheery clouds m the sky The A glass is always sad, gloomy, depressing feelBeing broke ing sets m almost makes me feel like Tom Hanks m Joe Versus the I feel like I have a Volcano brain cloud You all know half-empt- y When you have no money, you cant afford good things Everything appears so much more expensive You have to settle for Deseret Industries, -- I dents m salmon scrubs at dirty bus station a Chuck-a-Ram- a I You know I! e money' When youre broke you settle for hustling young college stu When youre broke, your apartments pantry consists of Top Ramen, Top Ramen, and Top Ramen But hey, if theyre 8 packages for a buck, Ill take it Macarom and Cheese, theres another big life saver The other mght my roommate thought hed be creative and mix a can of chili with macarom and cheese It looked disgusting, smelt disgusting, and probably tasted disgusting, but oh well, it could probably feed me for three days so there are no complamts from me guess that I knew before I came down here to Dixie State College that I would be broke sooner or later I was prepared for all of the late nights, the boatloads of homework, and all of the other wonderfully terrible things associated with col lege I just never thought that bemg broke would be this bad I took advantage of the wonderful luxury of having parents pay for everything And its only everywhere gomg to get worse I think Ill just skip the next 50 years of my life and head straight to retirement I |
