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Show THE THUNDERBIRD • SOUTHERN lJfAH UNNERSITI • THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1993 • PAGE 5 WE GIVE YOU THE RIGHT PRICE THE FIRST TIME $799 00 Revelations flying from the television I've been home sick. No, I do not mean homesick, though it's true, I am sick of my home. For the last three days I have missed classes so I could sit around my house, feeling like shit, in a siclcness stupor. You know the look-glazed, watery eyes filled with "sleepersn (stuck-inthe-comer-of-your-eye yellow tuff that, like dryer lint, appears from nowhere), jaws unhinged, slobber trickling down one side of your mouth, perpetual bad hair. Evetything you eat tastes like cardboard. You can't figure out what you have, so you take everything to combat it: Comtrex, Kaopectate, Preparation H. You can't concentrare on anything, so you warch 1V. Actually, it's more like you stare at the TV and let it flow over you. Like someone who sees their life pass before them just as they die, I've had a few revelations as I've been drowning in TV the last few days. Here's what I've learned. Everyone who w:itches morning television is either fat or depressed, or both. Weekday morning TV ads are filled with affirmations from diet programs and depression clinics. If you like Stuart Smalley, you'.d love morning TV. Speaking of diet programs, Jenny Craig , the weight loss guruette, is sponsoring a "run fo r life. n Ole Jenny's looking a little chunky these days. Must be from nerves. Fighting the government on false advertising claims would make me want to eat. WGN TV in Chicago thinks all blonde talk show hosts are the same. Jenny Jones and Jane Whitney both have talk shows on the station. Jane's show was on, she was discussing whether white people should adopt black children-heavy stuff-anyway, d1ere was a commercial break and when the show came back on, Jenny was the host It took them ten minutes m figure it out. I understand why Geraldo gets in so many fights. I wanted to beat the hell out of him the omer day, I was so bored wim his announcing Mwe gotta take a break" and "the focus of our show is )ailbait." Thursday, he had some ) }.year-old chick on who claimed she was raped by a l 9-year-old boy. As she sat looking l.olim-ish with her face full of make-up and her skirt up to there, a New York Post columnist argued that the girl looked like a baby. The real focus of the show was the girl's poor taste in clothes and how her mother lets her drink beer at home. Learn ing all m is really important sniff got me think ing. I began to wonde r; how lonely is rl1e Mayt1g repai rman, really? ls he lonely because everyones' d ryer ar working? Is he lonely because people are hant,ring thei r la und ry o ut to J ry? ( or me, l've lea rned the hard way that birds love bright targets blowing in the wind. ) Maybe he wa lonely anyway, befo re he got the job? Maybe I'm losi ng it. Maybe , norl1ing. W atching mo rning television works fas ter than any medicine l know to ma ke me wam to ger well . ... l've been contemplating my creativity, as I do sometimes when I'm, well, contemplative. There is a big issue right now in the media about what to call twenty· somethings. Generation X is an insult, argue some factions. Baby Buster doesn't work either, say others. I've come up with a great name: Grapplers. Webster's ays that to grapple is "ro come to grips with; to bind closely; a hand-co-hand struggle; a contest for superiority or master/ all of which post-Baby Boomers can relate to. A grapple is also "a bucket similar to a clamshell but usually having more jaws." The perfect slogan for the 90s, by the new Grappler generation? Let's kick some bucket! By the way, nighttime TV is also sick. If I hear Kare Jackson telling me I need to get to my Lincoln-Mercury dealer one more rime, I swear I'm gonna ... leave the house and write a column for the paper. .66 .45 Kent Parke Lynn Parke •Di rect Diamond Importer •Men's Wedding and Diamond Bands -Custom Designed Rings -Goldsmith •Free Financing •Large Selection •Prices starting at $299 Call for appointment 586-7009 Jon Parke !iUU Book!itore 586-7995 See Jolley's tor all of your hunting needs! Southern Utah 's largest selection of hunting boots. Insulated and non-insulated, pul l-ons and lace-ups. Select groups 10o/o to 50% off Thermal socks Reg. sg 95 Now s4 95 flY "41tll0" TO Tttt -crltW <+OU! See Or. Lynn G. Cranmer Southern Utah Dermatology •Skin Cancer• Acne •Specializing In Skin Diseases 586-6440 • 150 Altamira Ave., Suite 900 Cedar City See us tor all of your orange cowboy hat covers, ball, caps, thermal winter caps and T-shirts. Jolley's E.anchwear 52 N. Main • Cedar City • 586-8108 Hours: 9 to 8 Mon.-Fri. 9 to 6 Sat. |