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Show .. ROOM FOR A VIEW C(ll\1MENTARY BY APRILL. ()\VENS THE THUNDERBIRD • SOlJTliERN lJfAH UNIVERSITY• MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 1992 • PAGE 5 LARGE SELECTION, INCLUDING: 'J Bridal sets 1/5 pl T.W. 14K Let's call an end to Peanuts envy As I looked through the newspaper the other day I had a sudden realization. There, hidden in the seemingly innocent pages of black and white was a bastion of sexism and racism. Was it the sports page? No. The editorial page? Nope. It was nested deep in the bosom of the lifestyles section. A seething, stinking mass of evil: The Comics. It seems that even though it's the nineties, and women and minorities make great strides toward equality day after day in the workplace, in politics, and at home, there are still some strips that have chosen to ignore all of this progress and have remained mired in a bed of ignorance, racism, and sexism. Therefore, I shall take a selected sampling of these strips and shall try to gently ease them into the nineties. 1. Beede Bailey: Miss Buxley, administrative assistant extraordinaire, gets sick and tired of all the lewd and inappropriate behavior coming from her boss, General Halftrack, so she brings him up on sexual harassment charges. After winning her case against him, as well as a generous cash reward , sh e teams up with Anita Hill and together they roam the countryside in a cherry-red convertible Thunderbird spreading truth and justice throughout the land. 2. Blo ndie: Blondie comes to the realization that not only is she bringing in most of the money from her successful catering business, but she is also doing all of the housework, cooking all of the meals, and is even stuck taking care of the dog most of the time. So Blondie packs up, leaves her deadbeat husband Dagwood and her two full-grown but lazy children, and goes back to school to get her M.B.A. At school she goes by the name B.D. Bumstead and ends up meeting and falling in love with a young man in his twenties who adores her, thinks she's the smarteSt thing alive, and gen erally suppo rts h er in whatever sh e d oes. Readers everywhere will be delighted with this smart, savvy, and extremely happy new Blondie. 3. Hagar the Horrible: After Hagar is horribly murdered in a mutiny attempt by his own men, Helga finds herself alone, out-of.shape, and mad as hell. So she starts working out, dies her hair black, changes her name to Domina, and starts rounding up young Viking lads to sell as slave labor in an attempt to get revenge for her husband's death. Yet she still finds time after a hard workday to spend quality time with her children. The name of the strip will be ch anged, o f course, to: Helga the Wonderfully Horrible. 4. Peanuts: Franklin, the only black character in the strip, decides he's really fed up with not having any lines, never being invited to any parties, and never being asked to play on the baseball team. He finally realizes that he's only a token character so he calls a press conference, declares that the rest of the Peanuts' characters are white supremacists, and quits the strip once and for all. He eventually stans a strip called "Franklin" that includes a cast of characters of many different races dealing with touchy mino rity issues such as life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. 5. Cathy: Cathy tires of always being a victim. Sh e takes an assertiveness training course at her local community college and devdops a new self-con fidence and a positive self.image. She realizes that marriage and children are not going to happen with Irving, who is never going to commit, so she decides to take control of her own life. She tells her mother to suppon her decisions or leave her alone, dumps lrving, and gets artincially inseminated. Pregnant with twins, Cathy invests in a personal computer and starts working out of her home. 6. B.C.: The women of the strip finally realize that the plot lines involving them deal mainly with their outside appearances. Disgusted with such shallow writing, Fat Broad changes her name to Tawanda and her blond friend, (does she even have a name?), ca1'es the name Sappho and together they board a ship and sail to the island of I.esbos where they spend the rest of their days in peace and harmony while writing intdligmt KENT ANO JON PAllKE DIRECT DIAMOND IMPORTERS Compare our prices! 586-7009 Dirty ck Gourmet Pizza $5.99 Any Style • No Limit Toppings Nlghtly Pasta Specials 164 S. 100 W • 586-7673 Whopper Sandwich and a bag of Fries BURGER $199 KING with coupon Limit 2 Per Coupon Cheese may be added for a nominal charge Expires Dec. 31, 1992 Good only at: 1215 W . 200 N., Cedar City Please present cOllpon to cashier before ordering. Limit one coupon per customer. Not valid with other coupons or offers. Void where prohibitrtd by low. r-----------------------------, Buy 5 Cassettes for $1 O poetry. So there you eo- Wdoome to the nineties! 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