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Show I PAGE 11 THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2000 UNIVERSITY JOURNAL OPINION -Student Speclal: DAVE BARRY Medium pizza COMMENTARY anyway you want It, only This year ~on't ,niss nude · 0/y,npic tennis . Every tou·r years , athletes from all over the world gather to compete in an event that truly epitomizes the purity and non- · comm ercialism of amateur sports: The Coca-Cola IBM John Hancock Visa UPS McDonald's Kodak Panasonic Samsung Sports lllustratedffime Xerox·Olympic Games, brought to you by NBC. I don't know about you, but I expect to be literally glued to my TV set from the start of the opening ceremonies until the dramatic · moment, three weeks later, when the opening ceremonies finally end, and the first actual athletic event (the women' s 300-kilometer balloon toss) gets under way. I don't want to miss a single second of the competition ! Unless, of course, the competition is won by a foreigner. I frankly wonder why foreigners are even allowed to compete in the Olympics. They're always messing up the drama for American TV viewers. Like, NBC will broadcast a heartwarming, sentimental, in-depth _profile of an American athlete, showing how, through grit and determination, he overcame a disadvantage that would have stymied a lesser person , such as being born without a head. So the American viewers are naturally expecting to see this person win a gold medal - and then he gets beat by some athlete from some dirtball vowel-impaired nation with a name like "Gzkmnzksrygyztan· that doesn't even HAVE McDonald's! I hate it when that happens, and so do the people at NBC. That's what led to that memorable moment during the 1996 Atlanta games , when the American favorite in the men's 1,500-meter hurdles was near1y defeated by a foreigner. who lost only because he had to run the final 250 meters with Bob Costas clinging to his leg. · Yes, the competitive spirit is fierce in the Olympics. It has been lhis way since way back in 776 B.C., when the ancient. Greeks held the first Olympic games, sponsored by· Ted's Discount -House of Hemlock. ·1n those days, the athletes competed naked, which as you can imagine meant that there w:is always a large audience, especially for the trampoline event. In the modern Olympics, of course, the athletes wear clothes, except in table tennis, which is why this sport is never shown on television. Another difference between old and new is that the modern Olympics are strictly governed by the International Olympic Committee, whose members ·insure the integrity of the games by relentlessly accepting lavish hospitality and gifts from people seeking favors. Unfortunately, in recent years the IOC has been tainted by allegations of bribery, especially after it voted to award the 2004 summer Olympics to a man identified only as "Big Tony," who plans to use them as entertainment at his daughter's wedding. But this is no time to think of scandal. This is the time to focus on the games .now going on in Australia , which is popularly known, because of its location at the bottom of the globe , as "-the Emerald Isle.· This is an odd place to hold the summer Olympics, because Australia is, believe it or not, just getting out of winter! That's correct: Because Australia is located in the Southern Hemisphere, everything is backwards : When they sing "The Twelve Days of Christmas,· they start with the part about 12 maids a-milking; and when they tell jokes, the punchline is always "Knock knock,· and skilled accordion players are worshipped by teenagers as gods. This exotic locale is the site of the 2000 Olympics,·which officially began with the Lighting of the Eternal Olympic Flame. The flame traveled all the way from Atlanta via a torch relay: Runners took turns carrying it across the United States·to California, where it was handed to a plucky young amateur swimmer named· Timmy, who, as an enthusiastic crowd cheered him on, plunged into the surf and began his epic joorney, making it near1y to the end of the Santa Monica pier before the sharks got him, only 7,500 miles short of his goal. .So they had to light the Eternal Flame in Sydney with a Bic, the Official Disposable Butane Lighter of the Olympic Games. Yes, overcoming adversity is what the Olympic spirit is all about. Let us not forget the words of the solemn prayer spoken by the ancient Greek athletes as they prepared to compete: "Pi epsilon zeta, tau omega, sigma chi" {literally, "I hope somebody invents some kind of supporter"). Dave Barry is a-nationally syndicate'?J di:Jtuiiiiiist. '·, : ; 99 c,.. see I S at eur IIW IICIUID at 80 w. Cemer. Under new management! 86 5·.9 6 0 0 Gill Certificates • Fundraisers • Parties Auditions .... LET YOUR STAR SHINE IN THE LAND OF THE RISING SUN. SINGERS WHO DANCE WELL • STUNT PERSONS • LOOK-A-LIKES Provo Saturday • September 16th 9:00 AM; Singers Who Dance Well Must be prepared to sing an upbeat r6clc rune and 1~ m a short dance combination. Please provide your own taped/CD a-:companimcnt. · 9:00 AM: Musicians Saxopl]one and electric guitar musicians who sing. M ust be prepattd to sing and play an upbeat so11g. 9:00 AM: Blues Brothers Must be prepared to sing a Blues Brothers song in character and lea rn a short dance combination. Please provide your own raped/CD accompanimcni. 3:00 PM: Look-A-Likes M ust be prepared to perform a one-minute comic monologue in characteL The following roles arc available: M.arilyn Monr~, Mac West, &ttc Boop, Groucho Marx, Charlie Chaplin, Clark Gable, and Doc Brown. Auditio ns •,vill be held at Center Stage Performing Ans Saturday • September 16th · -1:00 PM Stunt Persons (male and female) MuSt have prior StUnt and stage coiiibat experience. Be prepared to participate in a skill assessment exercise. Auditioos will be held at Utah Sports Center For complete information please call 407.224.4828 You must be 18 years of age to audition and willing to relocate to Osaka, Japan, for a period of 9 ro 12 months beginning January of 2001. Please arrive 30 minutes prior to audition time for registration. A noo•rcnunable hcadshot and resume arc rtquittd. I. |