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Show !MONDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2000 75 DAVE BARRY COMMENTARY Please pass the poinsettias We have some important news for those of you who have been harboring an urge to eat poinsettias. This news comes from an article in the Dec. 5, 1999, edition of the Harrisburg, Pa., Patriot-News, sent in by alert reader Karen Durkin. The article makes this fascinating statement "Despite persistent rumors. poinsettias are NOT poisonous. Ohio State University testing has found that a SO-pound child could eat more than 500 poinsettia bracts with no ill effects other than possibly a sick stomach from eating that much foliage.· The question that immediately comes to mind is. 1 What is a "bract"? (Answer: Part of a plant.) Another question is: How did Ohio State University conduct this research? Did researchers actually feed 500 poinsettia bracts to a SO-pound child? How? (" Eat your bracts, Jason , or NO MORE POKEMON CARDS FOR YOU !") Al"\d does this experiment really prove that poinsettias are safe? We personally have seen SO-pound children eat a LOT of things that would probably kill an adult, such as "Fruit Roll-Ups," which we do not believe are fruit at all. We believe they are the offspring of a biological mating experiment involving Kool-Aid and flypaper. So our feeling is that you consumers should resist the temptation to rust:i out and start wolfing down poinsettias. Instead, you should take the wise scientific precaution of serving them to dinner guests ("Marge , try some of this delicious brie-on-a-bract !") and then watching the guests closely for common symptoms of death, such as not moving for several days, or purchasing an Oldsmobile. But here's what really gets our-goat: While so-called ·researchers" at Ohio State University were busily stuffing poinsettias down the throat of an innocent SO-pound child, a potentially MUCH greater menace to humanity was running loose in the very same state (Oh io) . We know th is because we have recei ved , from an anonymous source who shall remain nameless , c;1 newspaper article from the Oct. 29, 1999, edition of The Youngstown. Ohio, Vindicator, which bills itself - and not without reason - as the premier newspaper in the Mahoning Valley. This article, which we are not making up. begins with the following statement: "WARREN - The possibility that radioactive muskrats are lurking in the city bothers Pierson 'Butch' Butcher Jr." The article states that Butcher, an unsuccessful Republican candidate for the Warren City Council, had said i( was possible that local muskrats were eating radioactive materials they found on the grounds of a recently demolished power plant. By way of rebuttal. the story quotes the mayor. Democrat Hank Angelo, as stating: "There are no green. glowing-eyed rats running the streets of Warren." In professional journalism. the first thing we do when we need to check out this type of story is try to fiod out what a muskrat is. The sum total of our knowledge on this subject is the song "Muskrat Love," performed by The Captain and Tennille, both of whom are. incredibly, still at large. So we checked the encyclopedia, which states that muskrats are "closely related to voles." We have never heard of "voles.· and suspect that the encyclopedia is just kidding around. Armed with this information, we called Warren, Ohio, and spoke with Pierson "Butch" Butcher Jr., who, it turns out, is not a shy person During a lengthy and wide-ranging interview, he stated that al th ough there are muskrats runn ing around Warren , and SOMEBODY at a public meeting expressed concern that they (the muskrats) might be radioactive, that person was not Pierson "Butch" Butcher Jr. Mr. Butcher further stated that he had read an article somewhere regarding reports of radioactive deer in Pennsylvania. So to summarize the key findings of our investigation: 1. There may or may not be radioactive muskrats and/or deer in Ohio and/or Pennsylvania. 2. Just in case , both of these states should be evacuated immediately 3. Another good name for a band would be "The Radioactive Muskrats.· 4. Speaking of musical groups, if The Captain and Tennille ever decide to try for a comeback, the obvious song for them to do would be "Vole Love.· 5. In which case, please pass the poinsettias. PAGE 11 UNIVERSITY JOURNAL OPINION .........-~ ¢ & ml)e ~alt Jla:ke \lrrtbune so<t Now available in the Thunderbird Circle. Midnight Sale February 2 _8th Celebrate the releases of: Smashing Pumpkins • Oasis Pink Floyd Live • AC/DC Bloodhound Gang • Bone Huge Discounts Free Food Prize Give-a\Nays! Live Entertainn1ent! Pre-order the new Smashing Pumpkins CD for only $13. 9 9 and receive a free copy of their new single (while supplies last). I • Dave Barry is a nationally syndicated columnist. - - - -- ------ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - I |