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Show NTVERSITY • MONDAY, APRIL 12, 1999 JOURNAL • 01..ITT:IE GLE COMMENTARY Mmmm •••powdery Wh n I journ ey Lo Wal-Mart in r h of a hygienic help , I invarlabl look for my mainstay: Ori-Id nsceot d. everth 1 , neith r the gh t f Sam Wafo n nor h Cedar cy minions ouJd provld me with my deod rant d w th last time my girlfriend ooti ed that I getting a Uttle low. ln tead, I was faced with the unenviable pr pert, as I saw it, of having to lay down $3.19 for ·Powd r-Frcsh• Ori-Idea. I tood in the aisle wlth two cans of sour cream and oo onflavored Pringle in my arm contemplating the p s ible ocial ramlficalions of being powd r-fresh , I asked my lf why anyone, mal , fi male, r therwise, would wane to be powd r-fresb in the fir: r plac e. "I powder th t de ir:able?" l thought , "and , more im rtantly, is it really that frc hr I then recalled reading in cripture about the bon of the wi ked bein g ground to p wder-which might not both r ome , bu I pc naUy found lhe prospe t of having the pul crtzed marrow of the damned in my armpi mewhat · t eful. Ju t then , I tarted to worry about what orh r que rionable · pr u ts l and the rest of the con uming public wa blindly pu h in und r the prctcn that th y were actualJy d irable. For in tanc , why do o n umers em to be dra n to cirrusenh need deaning produ ts? Don't get me wron , they d o sound d eplively uperior to "n nnal-scented " uds, but when hoppers pur ha e oap . nd clean proud! pr cl iming lhe ability to make things "1cm ny-cleao ," d n 't they coosid r that they uld probably do j well by pilling a 2-ounce ountry im refill on th ffee t.abl to bring uc lhe wood ' natural I ter and hine? ow, you may think I'm lightly paranoid, but I also hav my rea on · fo r n t u ing a c n ~in alJ-in-onc dandruff hampoo and co nd it io ner (wh ich , for o ur purp o e , I ' ll all · tt e ad and h uldek"). I ad ertisem nts OippantJ laim that it adeans and conditi ns d ep,d wn .w h , I.hose subtl and crafty Madison Avenue hu ksters-masters of th syrupy-sw t logan. Have they no ham , taking ad ntage of nai and unenlightened ? F r ne versed in the inn r-wockin of the cw W.orld Ord r and the puppeteer beWnd thl atani ub titut for true global harmo ny, it h becom vid nt co me that Head and hould k' claim i n ' t a inno uou It eem . T me. It i tran par ntly obvi what d p-down I n really ntails: brain bing. J t as water flu ridation was abl to get a firm (i lhold in c ery tate a r · lb untry ( ·ave the fav r ·d bastion f tah), will th m ters of mJnd control continu n their rusade to cleanse th canh of original thou ht under the uise of pr m ting nall n of fla k -free froc . b , thee iJ! The only way to combat th and ther dee ptive and harmful advertising ciaJms to organize and m bitize. , pl drop me a lin or ome see me at th Journa4 Technology Building, room 011 . If you ha e trouble findin me. just (i Uow y ur nose: I ll be the one th c' powd r-fresh . Glenn Halterman is editor of the Journal. Editor Glenn Haltcnn n 586-nSO Al od t~ Editor David 11.u mt S86-7759 0,inj n Dinclor Anl\JI Turpin 5 7759 !'bot · 101 John Cucrtlcr 58'1- nSO Cop Editot Rus,dl Mille, 586- 7750 Focu fl..dltor Kami Epn 58(,.1992 An Editor Brando n Bevan 865- 44,1 ' ENIO._ porU Editor Chad Lamb WA!awiac Editor Anna Turpin 865. 22/i Ad MILIU tt Mtnnd.a Mabbuu 586-775 a Jamc::n C undcnan 58l,.77S Ad FaC\lh y dwhen Lal'T)' Baker 5 6-7751 Morris Brown 8ti5-8S5'\ A.FF WI.JTEJlS AND REPOaT'EIS' D 'K S86-77S7, 586-541 Th, llm""1.ut1 {ov,,..I f"'bh he.I ever, Moniby mJ Thu...S.y of the: .I04Xffl1C r~r l>y •nd lur th., H~n, huJy of ~l"'°'Yn Uuh Unrn:nll)' h f\X.CI aJv,icmcru from 1)u.: 11in1'tc.T'lilT1 commun uun Jt..l'ilinm~n, 11nJ from ,he unlvcrlltf ,1Jm•n1 ,,.tktft 1114: \1'14.."WI nJ OfttnJOn.1 cxrM.....d 1n t.ht.: lourri,l itr..:. th~1~11,; ttf 1nd11nJu.al writer anJ do nm n..:c nl)' .rcn~t 1h..: vh;wt nl th 11H1huuon, Facuh)", in.;11H ,1r u1.ult..n1 huJr In J,c:m.'Tlll nu: uns•iru,:tJ cdlt.1111111 Jm:c.,ly ilhow Is t~ opillion uf the Umvcmty Juumal 111, 1 1-ir1ali. tUUY Lcuas rn th "' cdnor mu t ht.:. typ;;J illnJ 1nc llJ.C.lc ch.t-; n,,i,wand rfk.1rw: n11mbt;, Only 1~ n.111tn..: w,t1 h.. rr,nuJd 11m1."'I w,11 ft.lit b..: .... uhhdJ uttdcr my c1ttum.1unc..c, nJ the l:llnur l'C$CtTI: l.'lijhn1t r<•"''" Lctu:n mv he bm1m::d hy :'lo rm Th111"1im:,,. fur 1nt1'-lttfHI '" tndar ..-Jmon:t .and h ~ fl ,n n, • Tln:n:sd..y mu Cnoll! ,n.c Anr 1nJ1 .. .du.lt llf"h .I ~.... n~e: •ptDll th-.: /mJrnol hi.tt1IJ Wnrr. such rmbkm h I lO ..... o,11111, ,t unrooh,cJ. 1h11 a.n~'ll,Utc.c 1h,rul~ ch~-n N,::Jm•."'Cti..'\J u> th.,; flfC\Jlty, the /ournol SIC'li:Tl'RJ. Cnnun,u~i;. h, h "chmc'<l hy Dr f,..ln C P<usnn. ~M~ 71171 U11t '""r /oun,d: Off!Cd tn SUU T1%hn11l111y a..~Jm1 011 M•II , i SUU !lo, ~.lM, C..'\br Cny, Uuh ~· rAlt /4.1~) '\M.r;.I ...., E·m•1l ..i.J,..., o>wn.i.lihuu ,-du DAVE BARRY COMMENTARY Taxes get easier with every margarita Perhaps o u re one of th ' many Americans who r afraid of pr paring their own income -tax r turn . If , let m offer th w o rd of enc uragement: u srupld idi t. I :y th because doing your own taxes has never been ·jer, thanks to modern techn logy h the t I phone, th per o nal computer, and the cann e d frozen margarita. . . Take me. I. am not a so-called ~ ertlfled Publi Accountant," but I have b en handling my own tax for years, ~g a impl , th.re · p em: STEP O E: ne week before the April IS tax deadline, I gather together all my fman lal records. Th ls easy, because I keep alJ my rds in on conv nient pla e , which i the k.ltch n drawer where I al o k ep my butane lighter wilh no butan in them and my package of a • banerl , which I bought in 1987. o all my r cords are compressed into one convenient, d n wad. . P TW : ing a e2rs Crafum n ch ' el , I eparate my records and n them a cording co ize and color. 1bis takes a while, . ut it a paves th way~ for the heart of my tax-return pr parati n tern, which : P TIIREE: ing th tel phone, I call Evan , h · my accountant., and W&ently kif I can fil for an cxte I n, and he tells me that he already did. Then he hangs up and goes ba k to leep beca at this int it is 3:30 a.m. on pril 18. The advanta e of ing this y tem , which i call d the wExtension y t m , • i that you can po pone filing your tax return for several months, and even long r if th earth i de troyed by an aste id. You know what male me want to pule, : :)V"L,UJl\;U · ca:x-preparation ftware. • en I g co th omputer uperstore and ee th e duele t payers paying ood m ney for ftware that is alJeg dly going to make their tax preparation "fast nd easy," I laugh so hard that sometlm it four tore emp to wrestle me to che floor and inj t my spe · I medidn into my n k. I react Lh i way beca I know that this "tax · pre pa ration ·oftware is T going to prep r · th c d uel people' returns for them; it is going c k them l killion Le hrucaJ q u ti ns about their nam , ial Security number, things uch income ex penses. an d th exact number-right down ro th imal point!- f their hildren . LI ten , software gee : lf we all th e details, WE WOULD T NEED THE COMPlJl'ER TO HELP ! Wh y don ' t you make EF L tax ftware? I'm talking about software that, when you put it Int your c mputer, ay to you: "Yo u' e done EN GH already! Go enjoy a anned margarita while I use my modem to wake Evan up and g t y u an extcnsi n!" For th of you who wish, for whatever insane reason , to actually prepare your tax rcrums, there·· arc m chang thi · year that you need to know . about. The main ne that the lntemal Revenue Servi n w has a itlve, raxpaycr-frlendl image, expre ed by the upbe t new IR mo uo: "We Acknowledge That Th re I A P ibillty, However Rem~ , That You Are ot rim.lnal Scum ." In tead of ling taxpayers, th n IR wants to serve them. Wha this mean toy u, th individual taxpa r? cording to IRS Commisfiloner rles R ttl, it means y u a.re now expected to Lip. 'lf you 're a marri d tax:pa er filmg jointly," ta~ Rossottl in bis offi · Letter to T payers, · r kin a fifty-dol.lar bill inside your tax rerum will dcflnitely cau e the IR employee erving you to feel appreciated and be less likely to select you for the · auditing procedure we call 'The Oo et Full Of nak R .'" . · also poin that when we sign our t3X return , we arc In effect talcin a legal oath. "This means," he stemly minds us, "that the information you provide must meet I.he sam standard of truth and a cu.racy that 'dent · ton met when he testifi d w,der oath about alJ d acts of internship with M nica Lewinsky." For example, if y u have , thre dependents, when you fill in I.he box that says • umber of Dependents,· che following answers would meet the llnton c curacy t ndard : "Three," Mi ur," "a und 27," · 1 don't re ,• or "it depends what you mean by 'dependent.'" Remember that, alwa: , If you have qu tions about filling y ur tax fonns y u can call up your c ongre pe rson o r e nators nd a k them what brand glu they v ere nilling w hen they th ught up our tax laws. Bu let us not become bitter and negati e . Lee us rem m ber lhat, in a d mocratic sociery, If e do n t pay our - fair ha.re" tax for vital govemmenc crvi , we will be abl co buy ours I cs a boat .• o let' sharpen o ur pen ii and stan urately writing down ur income. I don't recall having aoy. ut |