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Show WHO? C BILL JU-S TESEN L A s s COMMENTARY Strain-induced chaos lf you suffer from student stress, which in sophisticated university talk is called strain-induced chaos (SIC), then now is the time to take action and eliminate it. Quit school! Not willing to do that? Well, the following List of suggestions should help soothe the SIC semester sorrows. 1. This first suggestion is number one because it is related to a body function that is often referred co as "number one." Slip some methylene blue into someone else's food or drink. The ensuing reaction ca uses thei r urine to turn b lue. This tric k is best accomplished at a unruly party where there are a lot of dark sodas and the neighborhood cops don't have methylene blue sniffing dogs. Methylene blue is odorless and tasteless (which could have more than one meaning depending on your description of tasteless), and a few drops in the drink is aJl that is needed for the chemical to work its wondrous process. Let the unsuspecting methylene blue victim know what to expect next. Explain to women that they are pregnant if their urine is blue in the morning (especially if they have recently fantasized about Barry Manilow). Some will never trust you, but the next day they'll be elated in believing that their 2,000 Flushes miraculously started working again. Men , however, are a bit tougher to convince. Explain to them that they work on their dream car too much and that the oil is seeping through their pores. The oil will build up over time, and eventually it will react with the ch emicals inside their body to produce, you guessed it, blue urine. Of course , they'll justify the blueness co the mold growing on the potty walls, since the toilet hadn't been t:leaned since the Civil War area. Yet, the greatest advantage to methylene blue is that it is an antidote in cyanide poisoning. Really it is! Thi6 benefit is a great comfort to you in knowing that if the person spouts blue foam at the mouth, it is because they read the Starr Report and the reaction was not caused from a cyanide/ methylene blue reaction . 2. The second recommendation is related to the "number rwo" body function, but only "remotely". Get rid of those SIC roommate blind-dates by using the "remote control fart machine." According to . the "fast web page sales" web site, this gadget actually has been advertised on the Howard Stern Show. The hype for this little air apparatus states, "place t:>ehind chair, couch, etc. and remotely emit the funniest sounds around! " You don't really want to be around him or her? No problem . Press the panic button on the remote cont.rol and create your own little philharmonic. 3. This third suggestion really has no attached body function, though if you are imaginative, you may think of one. Throw cold water on your showering roommate or spouse. This is an old trick that has been used ever since water was c reated. Of course, university students weren't around when water was created but that is besides the point. One variation to this prank is to add Cocoa Puffs to the water so that the shower becomes clogged. You not only lessen your SIC stress, but your roommate or spouse can enjoy a soggy breakfast while washing. ln all fai rness, a few suggestions would be helpful if using these tricks. Recall that your roommates actually live w ith you and know where you sleep, though they may not do anytl}ing in revenge because you also know w here they sleep. Spouses don't know where you snooze, so playing tricks on them is safe. Also, if using methylene blue and the number two suggestion above, never, ever light a match. This is how the name "blue dart" actually got invented and burnt methylene blue is extremely rank. And finally, allowing stress to build up without doing anything about it is simply SIC' N 0 The Algebra Student The English Mqjor or in other words, someone lilce YOU. T E SESSIONS, VOLCOM, FOURSQI.JA/lE, DUB, DRAliON l-l'P ~r~ fll ~. f,. 4~tnt4~ ~J..Yt>. .. ,1.t-1.n, f~A n:suA~Pf AfJP ffJunr:suA~Pf ' . . '( . ., :.··, ·,·. -. ~~'i. 5 ::\.: ~ .. . ·~ : ·~ :~·:·:·'· ·~ . GET IT. YOU NEED IT. s www.W()rthNoting.com Short on Cash? We have a deal for you. NOW OPEN CEDAR MERCANTILE A new store with ··01d Fashioned Prices" We are a certified retailer for Damaged Recovery Systems, a western states scratch & dent program for name-brand products including diapers, coffee, cereal, canned fruits & vegetables, soup, cleaning products, etc. We also carry new and damaged but discounted groceries. LOW, LOW PRICES Greeting cards, gifts, toys, household goods, glass & plastic kitchenware, school supplies, etc. CEDAR 535 MERCANTIL E S. MA IN, 867 - 6360 #4 VISA • MAs'I'ERCARD • HORIZON . I. Bill J ustesen is a j unior Spanish m ajor fro m Cedar City. BUIUON, SANTA CRUZ, 5150, RIDE, JOYRIDE, SIMS, FORUM, ,, :: ,1 .•, $575 a semester for a shared roon1 $900 a semester for a private room |