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Show n@ , (Q))PITNJI(Q)~-- - ===-_.:_-=-=,..,..,....,.,==:-=-c~...::.THE.:..=.:::.:UN:.:.:IYE:...:.=.:RS=.:..::ITY~JO::::..:U:.:.RN.:::::.::.::AL:::.__ · .:::..:SO::..::tmlE::.:. :.:::;RN~lff:::..:. :.:AH:::..:. .:::UNIVE:.:. :.:. ::.. :::.::RS:::.:.ITY.:. . :. . _·__:M:.:::;N:.:.: ::.0 D: :.:.A.:. :Y. . !. ,O.:::.CT.:::.:.::O::.B::..::ER:..:....::!.5,_:1~99~8 0 ACCESS Cesspool of debauchery "Access" is a recurring column through which students, faculty or staff may comment on issues of concern to our readership. To submit to "Acee~ n contact Dave Barratt, o ur opinion director, l:,y phone at 586-7795, or l:,y e-mail at barrattd@student.suu.edu Today's column is l:,y Bll.L JUSTESEN, a Spanish major from Cedar City. Is America genuinely disgusted with the Bill Clinto n/ Monica Lewinsky affair? Apparently not. After reading a newspaper articJe on the popularity of the tarr Report, I clicked my way to Barnes and ' Noble's web site to verify the accuracy of the information. The newspaper artit:lc was as certain as a particular DNA test. America is fascinated and enslaved with the Oval Office orifice rumpus. Several publishers have printed paperback versions of the Starr Report for unrestricted societal fodder, and three of these publications arc in the top-ten list. Instead of spending money on a decent commodity, the lust-hungry populace flock to bookstores like tomcats eagerly circle a she<ac in heat. As of lately, the liaison between a bawdy male and his carnal mascot arc of less concern to me than the American public's reaction. People flood newspaper columns with statements like, "I am sick of hearing about that affair. It is none of our business. But, our leaders should have higher moral standar~." Statements like this comment reflect a disturbing aspect of wording conflict. For example, is it hoth true that our nation 's most publicized tawdry affair is none of our business AND that our leaders should he held to higher moral standar~? Any sense of logic exterminates the notion that both can be true at the same time. And how can Americans hold any public official co a "higher standard" if the official's life is not , dare it he said , public? In the unspoken presidential job description, there is nothing that states that the president has a sp ecific time to relax, set aside the presidential duties, and live a private life. 'Ille president is president 24 hours a day-every day-until his term expires. Equally, what is the "higher My son is a senior in high school, which means standard" and who enforces it if the general public wallows around that pretty soon he, like millions of other seniors, in the same cesspool of debauchery with public o ffi c ials? will have t o make a c ru cial decision , the Community morals are low, with alJ of the peeping toms satiating consequences of w hich will remain with him for themselves in the president's detailed encounters. the rest of his life: Who wiU he his prom date? The President of the United States uses the taxpayer's government Also , at some point, he 'll probably select a payroll to consummate his fetishes; this abuse is not fair. Yet, less college. In fact , we've already gone on several fair is that America's children are going to he raised on a graphic and college visits, which arc helpful in choosing a titillating report of a sex-starved president. college because you can get answers to important Americans should know about the actions of the president and academic questions such a : Arc all the students hold him or her accountable for those actions, hut the line is drawn required to get body piercings? Or is this optionaJ in knowing about an objectionable action and knowing it in explicit at the undergraduate level? detail. Most college visits include an orientation session. In my view, the American p ublic ind ignantly tells the media, I noticed, in these orientation se~ions, that many "Please don 't. Stop it, " then silently deman~, ~Please, don't stop it!" of the ki~ seem semi-bored , whereas the parents hy rushing to ingest the latest unpalatable talk about the presidenL It not only take notes, hut also ask most o f the makes me wonder w hat really happens in America's bedrooms. questions, sometimes indicating t hat they' ve mapped o ut their children ' s entire academic careers all the way through death. There will he some girl who looks like she's 11 years old, and her dad will raise his hand and say: "If my daughter declares a quadruple major in biolob,y, chemistry, p h ysics and large scary eq uat ion s , an d she OIREcnNG STAFF ANO DESK PHONE NUMBERS: graduates with honors and then earns doctorates in medicine, engineering, law, arc hitecture , Editor Glenn H.ahcrman 586·7750 dentistry and taxidermy, and then she qualifies for A.u ociact' Editor C had ~ b 586-7759 Spon s Editor D W Anderson 8(;5-844.l Opini<mcDirfftor Du,J Buutt 581,.7759 Almanac Edicor Anna Turpin 86S-82Ui a Merwanger Fellowship fo r Interm inable Photo Editor John Gucnlc:r 586-7750 Ad Maa.t~r M3&&1c Nc1,en 586-77S8 Postdoctoral Studies, docs the Nobel organization Copy Eclitor Ru'3c:II M,11,:r S86-7750 Ad Rt'prHentative Kyk Case: S86-7758 Ad De1ign er Jansen G underson 586-7758 pay her expenses to Sweden to pick up her prize?" focus Editor Kd Luken 586-1992 An' t fucus Edicor Kam, Eg.in 586-1992 faculty Advucn !..my Balter 586-7751 I was intimidated by these parents. I tried to An, EdiTI>r Bundon lk-van 865-844,3 Morns Brown US-l!SS6 think of questions to ask the college officials, hut SENIOR STAFF \\'RrTHS AND R£PORTEJlS' DESK S81,.77S7, S86-5488 the only one I could think of was: "How come Th-: Unn•.:hn, fuurnul is ruhl1,hi:J every MunJ.ay wnJ ThursJ..y of ,hi; M:aJ1,;m1c yc-ar hy .tnJ for chi; these lecture-hall desks arc never designed for us uuJc..nt hoJy of iliouthi.:rn Uuh Un,Vc.r.ttty h rcc.:,vi.:s 1Jv1s-.:mi:nt (mm tbi.: um\'ut1t)'°s comm unauun ~"J'il,Hln,:ru .1nJ fr,m1 Lik: un1nrsny .aJm1m11r.t11on The Yt'-"'*'' anJ ,,r.nioa, \'.tro.:sKJ ,n 1hi.: Journal ate people?" Although I didn't ask this. left-handed lfau~ of 1nJ1\'1JU.'-I wnta.s .;anJ J.r nflt ffCXCSHllf• rdk."Ct th..: VtCW.f o( ftk: IRllllU.UOft. (acuity, suff ur St--nl hudy 1n ~~• An. uns.ip1cJ W1wrul J.lf\:cdy .ibil\'.,; tt th\'. Of'IOMXI of ttk.: Unn-~nuy Jt,,.,,n11I u .a because it 's probably considered insensitive on ,,n,c.k ...:nut)' Luci.;n: m the u.het,r mun b.: tYJ'l,.'\.I .anJ ,nclu.Jc chi.: n.1rrw anJ rhon.; numlk..-r Only I.ht.: nJ.mc will hi.: pnn1cJ N.tm"-'t w, 11 nut hi.: wtthhdJ unJ.:, .tny c1rc.umJtanccs anJ th~ cJno, t\!Kncs i.;-Jtt1nJ college campuses to say Kieft-handed people." You rr1v1k,c..:, Lt:ni:,t muse. h.: •n.1hm11u.:J hy-; rm ThunJ,1ys fur incluuuo ,n MonJ.ty ~J,tiuns, anJ hy ,r, rm probably have to say sqmcthing like "persons of i\tunJ.ay) fu t nu.usJay o.l1110ftJ Cn~w.mca; Any 1nJJ~1JuJI ._.uh .t iu,.;unc.: .1,u1nu 1hc: /oumJ/ shoulJ chl'\X1 tuc.h f'Nbkm f1n:1 to the handedness." .,,_,J,,,., 1f u.nn.·tohi.;,J, that Jfk:\'JflC\: sh.oulJ 1h... n ~ J1h.."C.l._-J u, tht.: f.tcuhy aJv1.k,f•~ lf sull unrnol\'....J, the lJk:\l.ln..:.: shoutJ ~ Jm.:cl1,.,'\I m 11-k: JootntJI \t ...."\..tin~ Cmrtnutu.:-.:. whKh ,., cb.a1n.oJ by Dr Fr,1n C J\:.arsun. After the o rientation sessio n , you go on a \Ill, "'171 campus tour conducted by a student who is Un,u,...Jty Jt>urn1JI Offu.:c~ 1n SUU Ti.:chrmlo,:y l\mlJ,n-' 00.~ M.111 a1 SUU Sox VJJU. C..:J..ir C11y, Uuh ,un.u fAX t.iJ,;. """ !H~7 [ 1111111.tJJn.·n ioutn•lisuuulu required to tell yo u the name o f every single ...."" ,,.r,no, '- ,n ....... t"'J-t,fk • . . building on the campus. no r;nattcr how many_. e e • • l DAVE BARRY ~~~~~~-c_o_M_M _E_NT~~-R_Y~~~~~~--' An introduction to college \ f ·- - - • • .. . . - • •• _..- -•••• • • ._ • • ~ ~ '"'\ ~L • • 1 1 1 1 1 there a re ("Over there is t he Gwend olyn A. Heckell$Wacker InstinHe for the Study of Certail) Asian Mollusks, which we call 'The Heck.· And .• over there is the Myron and Gladys 8. Prunepockct Center for Musty Old Books That Nobody Ever Looks At. And right next to that is The Building Right Next to the Myron and Gladys ... "). After the tour, the kiw have interviews with college officials. My son revealed little about what goes on in these interviews. My theory is that the officials close the door and say: "Relax. You 'll spend the majority of college attending parties, playing hacky sack and watching Friends. The tour is p urely for the parents. TI1e guides make up the building names as they go along." One of the college my son visited was my alma mater, Haverford College (proud mono: • Among The First In The Nation To Drop Football"). I was a little nervous about going back: I expected that, at" any moment , the dean w o uld tap me o n the shoulder and say: "Mr. Barry, we need to talk to you about your share of the Class of 1969's biU for the cost of craping an estimated 23,000 butter pats off the dining-hall ceiling." Fortunately, this did not happen. Our student guide gave an excellent tour, although he failed to 1 p oi nt o ut the dormitory room w h e re my roommate Bob St e rn and I accumulated what historians believe was the world's largest manmade pile of unlaundered briefs. TI1ose are my most vivid memories, although I also vaguely, recall attending classes and learning numerous E~lish-major facts that still come in mighty handy whenever the topic of conversation turns, as it so often does, 17th Century English metaphysical poetry. Yes, college was a valuable e:icperience for me, and I' m s ure it w ill also b e one fo r my son , wherever he decides to go. On prom night, I mean 1 • |