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Show RR a a Sunday, March 26, 2006 DAILY 8 HERALD TODAYIN HISTORY FUNNY BONE Today is Sunday, March 26, the 85th day of 2006. There are 280 days left in the year. Today's Highlight in signed by Israeli Prime Minister in and Surviving the Everglades f you're looking to get away a sandwich and take a nap. By from civilization and experience the serenity that comes from being out in nature's wilderness beauty and having the time you get back to the sucked out of your body, then you should rent a houseboatin the Everglades. I did this recently with my son, Rob. Werented our houseboatat a place called 0, in Everglades National Park, waaaaay. downon the bottom of Florida. At that point, Florida has totally stopped pretending to be a normal United State such as Pennsylvania,the kind of state that has been constructed in compliance with the Official State Building Code on solid foundation ofdirt and rocks. LowerFloridalookslike solid groundin places, butit’s actu- ally a giganticfloating clotted mass of decaying vegetation and shed snakeskins,drifting ona sea of aromatic water and muck, You getthe feeling that you need to keep moving, be- cause if you standstill too long, you'll sink into the clot until the only thing sticking up is your head, which a bird will come along andbuild a nest on. There's wildlife everywhere downthere. Maybe too much ofit. For example, when we ar- rived at the Flamingo marina, wedroveinto a parking lot, which sloped down gently toa boat-launching rampinto the water, andlying onthis ramp, watching us, were three major alligators. They werelined up parallel to each other, halfway out of the water, as though a National Park Service em- Dave Barry tion. “Overshort distances, an alligator can outrun a horse,” people will say. Or: “In 1983, the Air Force tracked = alligator going 387 miles per Fortunately, dicaas ‘don't corner well, so if one is chasing you — get ready for an Alligator Safety Tip — you're supposed to run in circles. I'm serious. Schoolchildren are taught this in Florida, while childrenin otherstates are learning to read. So anyway, by movingin precautionary circles, Rob and I managed to get aaes aboard our rental the “Spoonbill.” I'm ‘yalied to operate a houseboat because I have nautical experience, consisting of owning a boat for a couple of years. During this time,I learned the principles landed on by every mosquito in moving at her top speed, which (L am estimating here)is.zero. Wedidn’t care. We weren't out there to get somewhere; we wereout there to experience directly the natural beauty of the Everglades, which look today very muchas they did thousands of years agoto the first Native Americans to arrive here, except that the Native Americans didn’t have a generator, climate control, hot water, full kitchen, shower,flush toilet, refrigerator and enough groceries to feed the Green Bay Pack- ers for a month. Thatevening, we dropped anchor maybe 100 yards from a mangroveisland, many miles from anysignofcivilization. the Western Hemisphere. There were so many ofthem that they needed Air Traffic Control mosquitoes to givedirections ("OK, No.86,742,038, you haveclear- anceto land on his left elbow, but makeit quick, because he’s almost out of blood”). So wehustled inside the Spoonbill and spent the evening admiring the natural wonder and beautyofair conditioning. Meanwhile,just outside the window, the mosquitoes formed chase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana In 1827, composer Ludwig van Beethoven died in Vi- enna. In 1892, poet Walt Whitman died in Camden,N.J. In 1911, playwright Tennessee Williams was born in Columbus,Miss. In 1937, a 6-foot-tall con- crete statue of the cartoon character Popeye was un- veiled during the Second AnnualSpinachFestival in Crystal City, Texas. In 1958, the U.S. Army launched America’sthird suc- madeit throughthe night OK, and weended up having a fine weekend, which was diminished onlyslightly by the fact that whenwegot back to Flamingo, it had sunk withouta trace. No, it was still there. But if you're planning to go, you should call ahead, just in case. Anaif analligator answers, hang up. Tn 1981, a jury in Los Ange- les awarded entertainer Carol Burnett $1.6 million from the National Enquirer for an article she'd charged wasli- belous. (The award waslater reduced, and the twoparties settled out of court). In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washingtonfor the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. Ten years ago: Amid public fears of mad cow disease, British farmers demanded hark, and protection work:'s to qualify for benefits, ac‘cording to a Marchdispatch ffrom Tokyo in The Timesof ‘London. Since organized crime Jeaves no employment paper ‘trail, ex-mobsters must supiply a letter of retirement from ‘their crimebossin order to ‘sign up,althoughlocal governiments are expected to accept Bs partial proof gangtattoos, Can't Possibly Be True Press dispatch. (Mr. Kapila Pradhan,also 45,has also been living in a tree,for the past 15 years,but that is in a village in Orissastate in India. He sought solitude aftera fight with his wife, according to a January ~ *p Victoria Lundy,41, in cus‘todyin Chillicothe, Ohio;in Namesin the News efiminal records, demonstra- Zipns of missingfingertips (the 3ign oftraditional Yakuza punent for mistakes). January for a barroom shoot- ‘ing, apparently smuggled her gunintothe jail at the time of ‘ther arrest by puttingit inside ther vagina. A shot was fired in p-holdirigcell, and according to ‘a‘fellow prisonerinterviewed bythe Chillicothe Gazette,the Bun had gone off when Lundy at downon a benchin the cell. ‘No one was hit.) 3) Amongthe places of busipies particularly affected by Mimericans’scell-phone rudemss was the Green Oaks Farily Dentistry clinic in Ar- gington. Texas, according to a bruary USA Todaystory. {Office managerLisa Teague id patients were carrying Pokus conversations while hygienists worked in their mouths.“It was very disruptive,” shesaid. c Chicagoland Schools in is: (1) In February,a sixthader at Waldo Middle School e suspended and charged ‘with a felony by Aurora,Ill., lice when he brought powred sugarto class for a scifaceproject’and jokingly told @bother student that it was coe. A custodian overheard the conversation and reported him.(2) The Chicago Tribune Seein March that dozens blind students in Chicago public schools are nonetheless required to take driver educa‘tion classes. Onesightless but otherwise optimistic student told the Tribuneshe resented BBCNewsdispatch.) Arrested in February in Town Creek, Ala., on drug- related charges: University of North Alabama basketball player Reprobatus Bibbs (“reprobate,”in the dictionary, is “morally depraved” or “beyond hope ofsalvation”). And sought in a February shooting death in New Orleans:20-yearold Ivory Harris, whose nicknameis “Be Stupid.” Unclear on the Concept (1) When the U.S.Depart ment of the Interior was ordered to reimburse lawyers for American Indians $7 million for their successful lawsuit over missing royalty payments on sae land, the department decided that budget considerations ould force it to raise almost half of that $7 million bycutting back programs of the Bureauof Indian Affairs. shyof his 82ndbirthday Five years ago: Comair Japan, a 32-year-old nurse 4 Alan Arkin is 72. Actor James Caanis 66. Author Erica Jong is 64. Journalist Bob Woodwardis 63. Singer Diana Ross is 62. Actor Johnny Crawford is 60. Rock singer Steven Ty- Martin Short is 56. Country 56, Movie composer Alan Silvestri is 56. Country singer DeanDillonis 51. Country singer Charly McClainis 50. TV personality Leeza Gibbans is 49. Actress Jennifer Grey is 46. Basketball player John Stocktonis 44. Actor Michael Imperioli is 40. Rock musician James Thais 38. Country singer Kenny Chesneyis 38. Actor T.R. Knight is 33. Rap- per Juvenile is 31. Actress Amy Smartis 30. Actress Keira Knightley is 21. Rapper deepestdesires and values.” — Helen Merrell Lynd, Amer- ican sociologist and author (1896-1982). Oar CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY:Keira Knightley, 21; Kenny Chesney, 38; Martin Short, 56; James Caan, 66 HappyBirthday:It's your’ time to shine. Set up a sched- ule to work byand stick to it. is safe and securefinancially. Travel should be implemented ifit will help you protect your position. Your numbers are by Chuck Shepherd was sentenced to more than three yearsin prison after she was convictedofrelieving her overwork-induced stress by tearing off the fingernails and toenails of irhmobilized patients. (2) British dentist Mojgan Azari wasde-licensed in January after a conviction for allowing her unqualified boyfriendto dofillings on morethan 600 patients. (3) Terra Linda High School (San Rafael, Calif.) wrestler D.J. Saint James, a senior, was profiled in February in the Marin Independent Journal for his sterling record,including a freshman matchin which he suffered a ruptured testicle (which eventually swelled to thesize ofa fist) but toughed it out forthree minutes before summot an almost-miraculous burst of energy to pin his opponent. Cliches Cometo Life » Life Imitates a GEICO Commercial: A teenagerlost controlofhis car in Kettering, Ohio, in March, and smashed into a house, causing major damage. Accordingtopolice, he had swerved to avoid hitting an albino squirrel (which, unlike in the commercial, did not survive). Another squir- rel caused a four-car collision in March in Mount Pleasant Township,Pa., but no injuries were reported. Neither human was cited police. » “What Really Wants to Do Is Direct”: When Tamara Anne Moonier filed rape charges against six young Fullert ity and performances. 13, 19, 24, 26, 27, 34 ARIES (March 21-April19): Well, Of Course! Youcanstabilize yourposition and work through some. details today. Progress will (1) Russian president Vladi- mir Putin apparently surprised diplomatic observersin Britain in January whenhedeclined to expel four U.K. diplomats who had been accusedof espionage. ReasonedPutin, according to a January dispatch in Britain's Guardian, these four weren't smart enoughto avoid getting caught, andif he expelled them,the U.K. would just send replacements who are more clever. (2) A recent study by economists Naci Mocan and Erdal Tekin concluded that unattractive teenagers grow up to commit morecrimes than do attractive people. A February Washington Post summary of the researchposits that fewer job opportunities and social opportunities might be what accountsfor the “consequences of being young and ugly.” No Longer Weird Adding tothelist of stories that were formerly weird but which now occur with such frequency that they must be retired from circulation:(78) The latest recycling laboratory breakthrough that makes possible the conversion of manure, urine or methane gas into a new energy source, as was Japanese professor Sakae Shibusawa's March announcement that,’by pressure and heat, he can produce an ounce of came from 5 pounds of cow dung. Readers’ Choice » A February BBC News story, ¢iting a localnewspaper in Upper ‘Nile state in Sudan, reported thatvillage elders had required a Mr. Tombe, as for har been be yoursif you are smart with the way youhandle your money. Make a commitment toa creative project you want to pursue.4 stars TAURUS(April 20-May20): Problems with a loved one orolder relative may add to your responsibilities today. Someone you thought you could trust is probably leading you onor astray. Use your better judgment- if something sounds too good to be true it probablyis. 2 stars GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You will have to walk a fine line today. If you areintent ongetting something you believe in off the ground, fine. But don’t counton getting help. If you strive for too much, too soon youwillfall short of your goals. 5 stars CANCER(June 21-July 22): * Do somethingnice for yourself. You can expect little extra cashora gift to come your way. Making changes to your homeor getting your spring cleaning outof the waywill leave youfeeling tired but good.3 stars LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Memories will make you wantto visit people or places from your past. Someoneyou used to know mayfool youby exaggerating about his or her life. Travelwill be a good lesson and experience that will help you|pe yoursownlife in spective. VIRGO (Aug. 2-Sept. 22): You mayfeel drawn'to someone who is trying to use you. Aska trusted friend for help handling a personal situation you arein. A little thought put into your future profes- ‘ across the men to improvetheir viril- ‘blackbar its eyes,to protect privacy.) its 2006 sionalplans will pay off. 3 stars LIBRA(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your ability to explain your position and yourintentions will help youget the help and support you need. A look at different locations and opportunities mayset the stage for amove. Take advantage of a creative opportunity. Loveis in a high cycle. 5 stars SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov.21): Spendtime with people who are enthusiastic about the samethings you are. Loveis prominentbut you will have to be true to yourself. Steer clearof getting involved with morethan one person. Shopping will lead to a great buy. 2 stars SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): People will either love youorhate you today. You won't be able to please everyoneso just be yourself. You should consider partnering with someone whois trying to do something similar to ‘ou professionally. 4 stars CAPRICORN(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Stay out of trouble by avoiding any kind of family feud or controversial topic. Remain neutralor avoidall personaldealings by concentrating on a professionalproj- ect instead.3 stars AQUARIUS(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Youwill be eager to get out and makeyourself heard. Loveis looking very promising so let someoneyouthink is special know how youfeel. Don’t promise what youcan't deliver. 3 stars PISCES (Feb. 19-March20): Not everyonewill be open about the way they feel. Makeyour owndecision as to whom you can trust and whomyou can’t. Consider the fact you may be wrong before you decide to punish someone who disagrees with you. 3 stars Birthday Baby: Youare dependable but unpredictable. Youstrive to be different and are not afraid to speak out for whatyou believe in. You are. unique, ahead of your time and an inspiration to others. Eugenia’s Websites: astroadvice.com for fun, eugenialast.com for Utah County having sehae : je , to pay adowryto’ es i Bring the Pain (1) In January in Kyoto, Leonard Nimoyis 75. Actor EUGENIALAST (2) According to a November Washington Post poll (whose results were published in Febmy) 94 percent of Ameriare “above avrn in honesty, 89 percent “above average” in common sense, 86 percent “above average” in intelligence, and 79 percent “above average”in looks. O'Connoris 76. Actor-director ity is whimsical, sentimental irtesponsibility and whenit is a valid expression of our and Sen. Edmund Muskie died in Washington,two days you turn the wheelto the right (or “mizzen”), then you go make ing to a January Associated East Sussex county, England. Today's Birthdays: Jazz musician James’ Moodyis 81 Conductor-compeser Pierre Boulezis 81. Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day onhis political opponents. FormerU.S.secretary of state refused, and blamedthecrisis a standardjunior high school, highwaysuperintendentin Danby, N.Y., even though he still lives with his parents. He doesn’t sleep in his old bedroom, though; hesleeps in his tree house, 40 feet up, which he built nearly 20 years ago, and which has a generatorpoweredelevator, a shower and a propaneheater, accord- beforehis 93rd birthday in J-Kwonis 20. Thought for Today: “Our” wholelife is an attempt to discover when our spontane- destruction ofoldcattle, but only not as maneuverable. The was elected in January as the coming Pope Benedict XVI) James Callaghan died one day Prime Minister John Major their governmentorder the way you drive a houseboatis, ifor the former gambling, loan later succeed John Paul, be- FormerBritish Prime Minister landfor a glass-cutter. But we Spoonbill, which is the size of madeher uncharacteristically dwell on something that she cannot do. » Andrew Thurnheer, 45, the Vatican (Ratzinger would Pendergrassis 56. Comedian water, so you can imagine how competentI felt when I took the requirement because it ing the Easter Vigil Mass at cessfulsatellite, Explorer Ill ler (Aerosmith)is 58. Singer In 1964, the musical play and TVpersonality Vicki “FunnyGirl,” starring Barbra * Lawrenceis 57. Actor Ernest Streisand, opened on BroadThomasis 57. Singer Teddy This year is meant for saving and making sure your future | Because perhaps hundreds ‘of Japanese Yakuza gangsters One year ago: German Car- in for Pope John PaulII dur- singer Ronnie McDowellis effort to get the boatfixed up to the point wheré the engine wouldstart. \are nearingretirement age, the Ministry of Health, Labor, jand Welfarehas drafted rules students. dinal Joseph Ratzinger stood In 1971, East Pakistan proclaimedits independence, taking the name Bangladesh. weekI had to navigate my car News of the Weird fire ina Kenyan secondary school dormitory killed 67 way. of navigation, because every the helm (or “forecastle”) of the Egyptian President Anwar Sadatat the White House. On this date: after contract talks with the regional airline brokeoff. A a huge swirling committee to discuss the feasibility of sending a search party back to the main- to the marine-supplies store to buy boatparts in a never-ending aboutbeing in an alligator-infested parkinglot, and it did not help that Rob kept reminding mehow fast alligators can move overland. Reminding people a long-standing Florida tradi- a sensation that will never for you to turn the wheel back to the left Using this procedure, we navigated through a canal out to Whitewater Bay, which gets its name from the fact that the water is brown. There we were throttle and get the Spoonbill Altogether, I probably have close to 45 minutes of experience driving a boat on actual howfast alligators can moveis helm, the boat is just starting to able to really “open up” the ployee had beenin the middle of launching them,but then he stopped for somereason, such as they ate him. I was frankly concerned Westood on the deck, and, as the sun set, we experienced turn right, which means it's time forget: the sensation of being the vast majority of the blood fl On March 26, 1979, the Camp David peace treaty was WARNING: SOME MATERIALNOT SUITABLE FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE pilots walked off the job, beginning a three-month strike | News -www.heraldextra.com | |