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Show Be DAILY Reclaim yourselfand AVOIC pointless Pain e e 3 ear Carolyn: During the ’80s my husbandhad several affairs. I stuck it out and successfully raised our children despite all of the problems.I know ofanaffair with someone whostill lives in the same town. He doesn't know that I know, andneitherdoes she. She is married now, and actslike It sickens me because she thinks she got away with sleeping with a married man whohadchildren to boot. Although she was not married at the time, she was plenty old enough to know better (mid-20s). I want to atleastlet her knowthat I know.I am sure she didn't tell her husbandshe had been seeing a married man before she met him. I just can't seem to let this go. Every time I see her, I can almost see the smuglook on herface andfeel her thinking,“If only she knewall the things I did behind her back.” Is it wrong for me to say something? — Frustrated in Indiana You are not sure what she did or didn't tell her husband. Youdo not know what she thinks. Youdo not know how she eels. She couldstill be feeling the biggest regret of herlife. Whenshesees you, she could be thinking,“I'm so sorry.” Shecould have told this all to her husband — and he could love her moreforherfrailty and conscience. This woman doesn't need your scorn. Shecould also be an unrepentantliar who mocksyou. This woman doesn't need your scorn, either. Becauseit’s pointless. A good womanwill already feel terrible without yourhelp, and a bad one won'tfeelterrible even with it. Andyou'll feel just as terrible as ever for not having accomplished a thing — if not worse, for debasing yourself in the processby letting your angerprevail. Youfeel like a victim,I get it. But the remedy for that has never beento create more victims. Say, her husband. Instead,find someconstructive outlet for your February 8, 2006 An affair to remember cicninibiimnis?” tnakbese amdistressed about theproper usage of the ords “mistress” and “affairs.” I was raised to believe that 19th “mistress” wasa word, the female equivalent of “mister.” It had nothi to do with the activities to son. If the unmarried person is woman,she isteferred to as the man’s mistress. Lately,I've read newspaper articles describing a relationship between two unmarried people as an affair. The woman in that affair is referred to as a lytoa respec wife anda respectable single However, you would be better off objecting to the present usageof the term as sexist. The suggestion is that there is a master in charge,although no pejorative term is used for him, and 1 show up with a haircut from another stylist. I don't know if I should call and make an appointment for a few weeks roan goes eevtbope fox tie bee _or avoid the stylist. GENTLE READER — How about be morereasonable to call both lovers, to use the impossibly coy terms and girlfriend or to speak of them as Very Good Friends. ‘That last is Miss Manners’ choice. ishing between _dating and having an affair nowadaysgives her more information about anyindividuals in question than she caresto have. yee MISS MANNERS — My has put me ina frustratee situation. I had an appoint- Not your vanity about your hair, but the kind that prevents you from admitting tothe stylist that you made a mistake in going to someone else. Miss Manners promises you that the stylist will not be sorry to see whatever mess needs his or her artistic touch. 5 E-mail youretiquette questions to Miss Manners (whois distraught that she cannotreply personally) at an affair is between a married Koon snl a uncer = a pillar of the community. sommes e WERALD Carolyn Hax mistress. Tell MeAbout It anger.Use it to get out of an unhappy marriage,if that's. whatit is — or to motivate yourself to speak the truth of yourpain to your husband, if that's what you need, Or to take pride in your strengthforraising good kids, or saving a marriage that proved to be worth sav- ing,if that’s whatit was. Or to take up yoga,or get counseling, or volunteer at a shelter for abused women or children orpets. We're talking 20 years here. Reclaim yourself, please, before they shutter and I have madevery clear whatI need from him before living together or marriage. lam avery active person, . and heis not. 1am not willing to compromise, He promised he would change, but doesn't seem to making muchprogress.I knowfor people to change they haveto wantto, and he says he does, but how much time am I supposedto give = California As muchas he should give youto backoff and love him.Heis who heis. Stay or go. E-mail “Tell Me About It”: tellme@washpost. com;fax: 202-334-5669; or write: “Tell Me About It,” c/o The WashingtonPost, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW,Washington,D.C. 20071. Chat online with Carolyn each Friday at noon Eastern time, at www. washingtonpost.com. i Judith Martin . then raised the question of whether a person who is married, not living with his spouse and dating awoman is havingan affair with his mistress or just dating someone. Clearly an affair and a mistress are disparaging terms while “dating someone” is much morebenign.I would hate for a woman to be wrongfully accused of being a mistress when she is merely girlfriend. EADER — This is the wrong subject on whichto’ appeal to dear old-fashioned usage, Miss Mannersis afraid. Miss Manners a subservient mistress. It would _There was nothing nice then about dating that Spatded sleepovers. You are thinking ofthe distinction between two different terms: adultery, which involves a married person, and fornication, which is between single people. Andneitherof * them was used kindly. You might get some comfort from digging even more deeply intotradition, way back to oa then, mee stylist called and apologized an ee conquering your vanity? the part that no one but Miss mentwith an excellent hair MissManners@unitedmedia. Manners remembers. Then stylist. The appointment was com Continuing issuesofscientific integrity the Lost & Foun DearCarolyn: Myboyfriend and I have beentogether two years, you rete,but was merely an could refer equal- fault. 1 was so mad] went to another stylist. My haircut does po even compare to my previ- nthe end,there is nothing left but the dog. This pretty well sums up the case mentioned last week: the extensive fraud perpetrated on the world by South Korea's Woo Suk Hwang. From his lofty recognition as the country’s “supremescientist,” Hwangis now in utter disgrace. His university assembled several independent teams to evaluate his data claiming marvelous new advances with embryonic stem cell research. The DNAresults were clear and consistent: the stem cell lines did not match the sources claimed for them, but they did matchseveral normallines of cultured cells that did not come from embryonicsources atall. Clearly, all the stem cell work was fraudulent. But the DNA analyses did validate the dog. Snuppy, the claimed clone of an Afghan hound,is indeed legitimate, the world’sonly cloned dog. Thatin itself is quite an accomplishment for Hwang's team; numerous little quirks in dog reproductive biology have made them particularly challenging. DuaneJeffery Science & Society Global warminghas long been a subject where our federal governmenthas repeatedly ignored the findingsofscience. But the data continue to mount that1) the phenomenonis real, 2) a significant proportion of the causes are due to human activity, 3) there are things we can and should be doing about it, and 4) we haveless andless timeto deal seriously with the issue beforeit becomes an overwhelmingcrisis. The pressure has been mounting onclimate scientists to make themselves heard, against institutionalized pressures to keepsilent. So: one success. But now James Hansen, But the investigation may not director of NASA's Goddard yet be over. Hwangalso claims Institute for Space Studies, to have cloned a cow, and that says those scientists cannot claim also is now under invesmorally remain silent. Hansen tigation. is a major voice and has now In the meantime,other matgonepublic that NASAofficials tersof scientific integrity have havetried to muzzle him in the arisen.In South Korea,it was nameofpolitical interests. But juniorscientists who blew the tipping point is approaching the whistle on a superstar. In fast, says he, that we must act America,it is a highly accomorthesituation will be almost plished scientist whois trying hopelessly out of control. The to get his messageoutdespite year 2005 was the hottest on governmental pressureto re, Tecord and apparently the hotmain silent. And the stakes are test for 10,000 years. This is not high forus all a trivial message. A European team ofresearchers has added a fresh detail to the entire picture. Carbon dioxideis widely re as the gas most important for warming our planet. In second place is methane. Wehavelong known where much of methane derives: from bacteria androtting vegetation in swamps and marshes,from flooded fields suchas rice paddies, and from the digestivetracts of cattle andassociated animals as they digest their food. But the European team reports that as much as a third of it may be coming from growing plantsdirectly. If true, this is a genuine surprise. There is no known reason in plant metabolism why they should be making the stuff.It’s metabolically costly to make and the laws of thermodynamics augur against it in oxygenated environments. But they seem to makeit nonetheless, and the warmerthe plantsget, the more methane they seem to produce. Thatis not good news. Clearly, this is not a timeto be ignoring scientific data. We need moreofit, and we need it straight. Hansenis right to speak up. O° Say it withLue!4 a ‘Roses areRed Liolets are Blue,Maila Love Letter andtell” Charlie PRESENTS Lue TFLove oyou Lat Guesday, Sfebruary 14,2006 Dalentines Day © DEADLINE IS FEBRUARY10, 2006 BY 5:00 "Y Fill out form below and send a paymentto ; Attention: So ve a Hes Daily¥Herald Daily Herald P.O. Box 717, Provo, UT 84603 Your Town, Your MEF Your Newspaper. , BES ||| | | | He DODO SOOOOOOOOOo OOOOOOODOOOD 1s Ie ia i ieee OOOODOODOHDOOOo : OOOO OOOoOoOo OOOODOOOoORoOo : PERE aSas) 6 co.A rend eae eee are ee. 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