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Show The M-FM- es our conversation. would over-hcW. Mr. told us that the unidentifiable substance that I uncovered during the autopsies is a chemical called Persol. This drug was developed by the government during Desert Storm to give soldiers that extra fighting edge on the front line. A local environmental group, e, someknown as how got a hold of this chemical and injected Mr. Dcttericks turkey flock. It seems this group was atar From the case notes ofSpecial Agent Diana Gully (Compiled by Janice Blackham, Conspiracy Theorist) In the late evening, a man wearing an old flannel shirt and torn overalls goes out to feed his turkey flock. His wife watches from a distance as the hungry birds gather around him. The farmer begins to scatter turkey feedfrom a bucket and the turkeys race frantically to peck at it. Suddenly, the entire flock stops their forage for food and circles the farmer. Dozens of tiny black eyes stare up at him. Suddenly, the birds lunge forward and. the scene. The corpses of several turkeys were found near Mr. Detterick; apparently he had managed to kill a few in The evident cause of Mr. Dcttericks death is massive blood loss. The body is ripped and tom in hundreds of places. These w ounds were seemingly made by November 25,1997 6:15 A.M. Detterick family farm Smulder and I are here at the Detterick farm, located between Manti and Ephraim. We are here investigating the death of Mr. John Detterick, a local turkey rancher. His wife claims that he was gored by turkeys yesterday evening. We found his severely tom-u- p body at self-defens-e. Hug-A-Tre- tempting to prevent the slaughter of hundreds of innocent Thanksgiving turkeys by giving them a mechanism to fight back. turkey beaks. I am at a loss to explain why a flock of turkeys would spontaneously attack and kill a human being. I can honestly say that this is the most gruesome case I have seen in the four years I have been with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. tacked Mr. Detterick. I found an unidentifiable chemical in the brain in almost all the dead birds. Analysis of this substance revealed high levels November 26, 1997 7:35 P.M. Special Agent Gullys office of adrenalin, a chemical were present in the birds. Smulder November 27, 1997 12:00 P.M. and I will attempt to contact our Thanksgiving Day evasive source, Mr. W., to see Agent Wolf Smulders house what, if any, information he can give us. can The superfluous amount found November 26, 1997 11:55 P.M. FBI Headquarters, Washington, in the turkey brains may explain Earlier tonight we met with D.C why these usually passive creaHe requested that we meet Mr. W. violent. so become would tures I in secluded is a area near the old cemToday performed autopsies However, there no logical explaaton many of the turkeys that nation of why such high quantities etery in Ephraim so that no one w hich cause aggressive behav- ior. Smulder has invited me to his house for Thanksgiving dinner. We both have decided to join the organization and as a result, we have become vegetarians. For dinner today we will be havs. ing Doritos and Happy readers. Thanksgiving, Hug-A-Tr- ee Yoo-Hoo- M-Fil- es Juan Elbano s Thanksgiving Adventure by:Jon Baker Its that time again; Turkeys all over the world are fearing the dreaded day of death that is approaching. Raised just to be slaughtered the turkeys have no out fainting. After many moons of long hard thought chief Ooga Booga spoke up. We need us a smart man. Just outside the hut Juan was ready to club a woman over the head. At that time Juan safety, even in numbers. But it wasn't always this way. The story takes us back again to the familiar village in prehistoric times.( Refer to Juan Elbano The inside story) The exact year is unknown, but it did happen. The village was preparing for the Thanksgiving celebration. The only difference was that they were the ones stuck with fear. The words Thanksgiving day meant sure death and camidge. Giant rabid turkeys with foam oozing out of their razor sharp teeth ridden beaks would come out to feast on the villagers. Ooga Booga, the village chief, called the high council together for a meeting. They put their heads together to see what could be done was the best inventor and solved many of their problems. Naturally he was called to solve the problem of the killer turkeys. Juan accepted the job but he couldnt do it by himself; he needed the help of the wise-ma- n on the mountain. In order to there, however, he had to go get through the fiery swamps of DOOM. Many noble and brave cavemen have gone in but never return. In order to prepare for the jourJuan Bon spent many hours ney in his lab and devised items to help him out. Jaun Bon took his weapons of war with him. He took a Plunger: a stealth weapon used to dislodge the toughest clogs. Toilet paper with grappling hook: for about the problem. They were those hard to get places, and his amazed at how long they could most fatal weapon of all, fresh, stand being in the same room with highly concentrated stinky dung bombs! He was now ready to a rapid river of molten lava. Juan embark on his mission for knowl- whipped out his toilet paper with grappling hook and hooked a tree edge. Jaun Elbano got up on his across the wall. He swung and left y behind. Once across faithful pet Mastadon named As he started on his the clifij Juan came upon the mounway nobody was there to wish him tain. He wandered for many hours well but it didnt bother him very looking for the entrance. When he much. As he first got into the fiery finally gave up and sat down on a Swamps of Doom, he was ready log. At that very instant a door in for anything. As he started down the side of a rock appeared. He the deathly path, he came upon the walked in the entrance and saw a first challenges of the swamp. Fi- big chair in the middle of a cavery ponds and bottomless pits sat ern. Sitting in the chair was an on either side of the path. Suddenly ancient cave monkey. The monkey he looked over his shoulder to find was wise and far advanced in a big hairy ogre with raunchy knowledge. Welcome my friend, smelling breath sitting right behind the monkey said and bid him to him. Juan quickly got his trusty follow into a hidden community of plunger and smacked the ogre up- monkeys far more advanced. They side the head, sending the ogre fly- could even be called geniuses. The ing through the air into a big monkey said his name was y had left Morbius and could answer any present that behind. Juan thought that he heard question in the universe. Juan only some more ogres coming so he had one question for the wise monwent into a full, all out gallop. key. What can we do about the Going full speed through the killer turkeys? Juan asked. The swamp, suddenly they came upon monkey simply reached into his a big fault line. At the bottom was voodoo bag and pulled out a small Porta-Pott- Porta-Pott- y. Porta-Pott- object unfamiliar to Juan. The wise monkey said, "When the turkey comes close, aim at it and squeeze. Juan said thank you and left but before he got out the stinky dung bombs fell from out of his pocket and went off rendering the monkeys completely stupid. The whole race of super advanced mon- keys was reduced into quivering animals. Juan made it back to Porta-Pot- ty and rode back into the village just in time. The giant rabid turkeys came out and Juan unholstcred his new weapon which is now called the turkey baster. He aimed straight for the deadly foe. His palms were sweaty as he squeezed the trigger. Out came a thick gravy-lik- e substance which is now called gravy. As he looked at the turkey it was reduced into a miniature gobbling animal. The village people rejoiced then took the little turkey and cooked it for dinner. Thus came the tradition of eating turkeys at Thanksgiving. |