| OCR Text |
Show NATIONAL 4A Wednesday, Feb. 12, 1992 Standard-Examiner ‘New Democratic front-runner IS gaseous plant, Barry finds » By DAVE BARRY COMMENTARY Kraght-Rioder Newspapers {EDITOR'S NOTE: Miami Heraid humor columnist Dave Barry : Aas temporarily put aside his own * presidential campaign to cover the other candidates — “the real come- : dians,” he insists.) MANCHESTER, N.H. — And * $0, Once again, we in the profes- of us to make this kind of decision before any actual voter has actually voted, ail I can say, by wayof thoughtful explanation, is: Shut up. This is an ELECTION CAMPAIGN we're talking about. The public has NOTHING TO DO » sional news media have descended with it. If you voters want to have upon this bitter-cold, wind-swept, four years, burns in the minds of a say in it, you should get press credentials like everybodyelse. So anyway, Bill was the front-runner for 15 or 20 minutes, every American who cares about after which we declared him to be » the democratic process, namely: Can we charge thermal underwear in Falter Mode because ofall these disgusting unsubstantiated rumors, which I will not dignify by repeating here, concerning Bil! and Gennifer Flowers and Tammy Wynette and DonnaRice and the Brazilian national gymnastics team and draft evasion and an unsolved string of 17 convenience-store robberies. I say it’s time that the press stopped prying into these poor candidates’ personal lives. I say it’s none of our business what Billi ‘Clinton does in his spare time with a ski mask and an assault rifle, and you will see none of that kind of trash in THIS column unless one of his opponents offers me money. Anyway, Bill’s poll ratings are now dropping like a pig thrown out of a helicopter, and so we in the press have selected a new front-runner. We apparently were snow-covered state in an effort to » answer the question that, every to our expense accounts? Also we're interested in the presidential primary, which is coming up next week and should be very exciting because every single candidate involved, for both parties, is now seen bythe press as a pathetic loser. Our biggest loser right now is Bill Clinton, who was declared the front-runner several weeks ago despite the fact that nobody has the vaguest idea where he stands on ' any issues and his nose always ; seems to be stopped up. But we in the press always need a front-runner, because we need to have ; somebody who we can declare is — and so we gave the job to ill. If you voters feel it’s high-handed Califomia storm See how John Wayne's screen image and real life personality made him an all-American hero and movie legend ‘in the documentary JOHN WAYNE STANDING TALL drinking heavily when we did this, because the choice we came up with is — get ready — Paul E. Tsongas. Really. This is a man so low-key that he may be capable of photosynthesis, 2 man who makes Michael Dukakis seem like James Brown. Nevertheless he is our front-run- Tonight at 7:00 Then, enjoy the Duke and Henry Fondain JohnFord's classic western FORT APACHE Tonight at 8:15 ner, and I’m sure he holds many important views on the issues. But right now the important thing for you, the voters, to bear in mind when considering him as a pctential president is that the letters in “Paul E. Tsongas” can be rearranged to spell “Gaseous Plant.” * But that is not the worst of it. According to a confidential document sent to me by concerned Americans Andy J. Williams and Chris Lasell, who used the Dartmouth College computer to figure this out — and people have the nerve to say that young people don’t care about the issues — the name “Paul E. Tsongas” can also be rearranged to spell “A Tulsa Sponge,” “Agent Soul Sap” and “Satan Plus Ego.” Pll have further information on this alarming development in the Tsongas campaign as I become more desperate. I will also be discussing the other major candidates in thoughtful detail as I find out, using advanced journalism techniques, who they are. But first I’m getting squared away on the under_ wear front. KUE ™ TV wort’ watching Learn Cake Decorating The Wilton® Way Save 50% on our regularly $15 tuition, now 7.50 whenyousign up for our Wilton Cake decorating classes; the fast, easy technique Closes beaches, Swamps roads that makes you an expert in no time! Classes begin the week of February 17; supplies are extra. Contact your nearest ZCMI Housewares departmentfor reservations and more information: Ogden.......... 778-2098 Layton Hills ...... 546-5053 Pine Ridge ....... 239-7129 Grand Teton ...... 525-4059 LOS ANGELES (AP) — A pow- erful rainstorm swamped roads, ‘ caused mudslides and overwhelmed a waste treatment plant, forcing a release of sewage that closed 76 miles of Southern Cali- fornia beaches. . At least two deaths were blamed ‘ on the weather: a trucker who » swerved to avoid a rain-loosened » boulder in San Luis Obispo County north of Los Angeles and a motor. ist killed in a Los Angeles freeway - © J & C Ferrara Co., inc. Enlarged to show detail. Give Her A Kiss ‘ crash. . * » : » « " For Valentine’s Day The storm Monday and Tuesday caused what was believed to be the worst flooding since 1938 in the San Fernando Valley northwest of downtown, said meteorologist Gary Neumann of the National Weather Service. The storm waned Tuesday, but more rain was expected today and This beautifully crafted Kiss is a perfect gift to show that special someone you care. You might want to wrap it up with some real Hershey's Chocolate Kisses to satisfy her sweet tooth. Then the rest is up to you. A kiss or two of your own wouldn't be a bad idea.... Sterling Silver 14K Gold Vermeil another storm was forecast for the weekend. 14K Gold Some 76 miles of beach in Los Angeles County were closed after a Pendant $30 $40 $199 Earrings $50 $65 i $275 Exclusively Licensed Trademark of Hershey Foods Corp. J& C Ferrara Co., inc. Lit j waste treatment plant had to re- Easy Financing Comparison Shoppers Buy At ohn’s Jewel ry lease more than 23 million gallons of partly treated sewage into a creek that empties into the Pacific in Los Angeles. TELEVISION YRH Crook & Chase EVENING Certified Gemologist Appraisers veda Dam Recreation Area, about 3920 Washington Boulevard - South Ogden - 627-0440 SS Mon.-Thurs. 10-6 Fri . 10-8 Sat. 10-5 6:20 @ -_ : . oo" ortune @ Civil Wars (3 @@ News : iho ; s the vadBoss? s: oe e me The Wer ¥ E Century: The War Years bist oo on Kas = mero elsolated-element tread blocks & flowor off the road « Even wearfor excelien t mileage and a quietride DISH Movie “Jetsons: The Movie” ERC Movie “Night Shift” ESPH SportsCenter FAM Bordertown me woe “He Sei She Said” reen Acres Bick GreenAces . SHO Movie “Portrait of a Love Affair’ caene 11:46 memmmmms RICK Alfred Hitchcock © LoveBoat THT Movie “The Bedford incident” 25 onercosnmee: Movie “Serial” 11:45 smmmememueses TBS Hogan's Heroes TMC Movie “The Student Nurses” se 25ns ® Firing Line NIGHT OWL ie “Crash and Burn” 1 cso"10—————— | ockout! Steet Hollywood's Loe Love AAffair sneoranenooressantneriom= GATEte Ure Paid Programming oe aw BSA My Sister Sam3:05 senoznaraemomes WEN Move ‘s “Dead ofwoeNight @® A Current Affair TBS Gomer Pyie ceveremmecenon TBS Movie “The Si3:05 a aoe DISC Wildlife Chronicles Music BTY Music Videos MTV Saturday Night Tonight FAM Movie “Oregon Passage” $H0 Movie “My Swedish Aunt” WGN Kojak 9:35 ® — @ Hunter @ Now tt Can Be Told (1 Benny Goodman: Let's Dance S Golden Gis WBE Movie : “The Boost . MAX Movie Vid “Games of Desire MTV Music SC Amonca $45 = hin Tea CabDen 2night @ With David ESPH Getting Fit Letterman eee @ = Sociological 3:39 pewemnoemsaamiooe CAN Daybreak 12:05 Late as am HBO Paula Poundstone 12:75 exes 1299 cianemnqen HICK Dobie Gillis $A Paid Programming WEN Bod Newhart TBS CNN News 3:35 3:45 oe Robin Hood 10:00Tes Movie “The Over-the-til Gang? JazShots WE @@ News 12:30 eomneecmnec a 3:50 DISH Mickey Mouse Clud @ News © Travels in E WBO Movie “Silent Rage” FAM Maniac Mansion Cheers Move “it's My rns WICK Super 7:99 memes fasts Oultey The War Years Seine @ News Now Spee ABE Our Century: AMC Reflections on the Silver $ @ World CNN News Thee: Reflects on the Sitver Screen KELLY Safari AWR U cha a ce Mone Se “Foodoose” ieee Se Move “Abraham Lincole” Re aStreets” AIRC test MovieFi "Panic in the Sry WICK Day Donna& Reed PEM College Seamming Tan ow WSA Nasinetie The Equalizer WER Dennis Miller‘045 @® Head of the Class (@ Movie “The Vanishing 1248 Westerner eae Wis MTV ec Move“Vie Vesa. ESPH College Basketbal TRS Movie “The Buring ils”TAPAnEvening atthe 1o28 AMC Move“Panic in the GD Unsolved Mystenes - cope ies tenon Standing Tall @ fomWore MacNeil/Lebver News All Position Steel Belted Light Truck Radial Lt215/75R15C.....$110.95 30 x 9.50R15C......$121.95 31 x10.50R15C.....$133.95 Lt235/85R16E......$128.95 Lt225/75R16D......$119.95 Lt245/75R16E......$145.95 other sizes available can L i . L @ Dolls, Dolis BISC Great Fighting Machines of World A phe . War Il ears aoa” mex S ESPH College Volleyball LIFE It's Shandling’s Show SHO one "Pusoan Lsede” 19:10 smesmurenmnmins @® Dennis Videos A&E ‘Slap’ Maxwell ARG “Flight for Freedom” DISH The Lone Star Kid Miller on B hepherd's Chapel Sirets” Te telat ad oe _ onyinnocents Molly Dodd Doe an Pad Programming eS. D The Tonight Show AL BIS Runaway Raiph @ Nott Court Theatre CD Three's Company MTV Like We Care bh DISH Super Sense @ Matlock w» With Chitdre Close a DY weereeerncaernen rag iness Moming ug vammesRobison 4:38 waune® §:99 eueeee YDS crmrmermerermarmne MAX Movie “Fridayny the 13th Part vi; * @ @ News News atThisSunrise Moming 18:58 cus eae G) Ay ASE Franklin Delano Roosevelt al DISH Movie Ribbon” = ee CHM Showbiz T FAM ALF FAM The 700 Club MTV Most Wanted wc Pam Reach Volto Wore PSH NBA Action DESC Incredibly Film Show pl “Firetox” ERC CAS LPS Paid Progaming ca) Later With Bob Costas LIPE ihMr.Figures MICK Wizard's World Mowe “Vigilante Hideout THY Bugs Bunny etanbiee tiberenesints SA Cartoon Express News WOR Success-H-Lite en a Yellow oes Nee ‘Veleyer ol ta Oats DISH Movie “She Wore a Yellow 7) Head of the Class SHO Move “The Tall Guy" Sem So G6A Movie "The Sacre Cacsionery we Ce Newsroom ; 6:05 “She oa tans TRS Movie “Shaleko” Et - SM0 Movie “The Unbehevable Truth” ae Movie “Mutiny on the Bounty’ 11:96 es Esra College Basketball a“ WICK Get Smart Mar | INTERMOUNTAIN FARMERS) naea PREP MAX Movie “Postcards From the Edge” eee 6:99 ce D Sentetd ® Doogie Howser, M.D ) Move “Swing Time AE in Search O S—— 10:4y errr 80 EmoPhiips: An American Mammal ce) xvi Olympic Winter Games Price includes; Mounting & Valve stems. Computer Balancing Available ‘TBS! Love Lucy CHM Crosstre DISH Best of Abbott & Costello Oswaid WICK Dick Van Dyke BRIGHAM CITY 17 East 200 So. 734-2020 TMC Movie “The Krays” THTWoody Woodpecker ee 7:34 memes EM Movie raiBreaker a THE Movie “Look Who's Talking” (Limited Quantities) FAM MarilynonHickey MTV Awake the Wild Side WEE Lassie PSH GuideLive With Me” $0 Program Move “Come a CHE inside 2 Ruby and Te tovlo“Shapless” P215/60SA14......69.95 P225/60SR14......72.95 P235/60SR14......76.95 P175/70SR13......54.95 P185/70SR13......55.95 P195/70SR713...... 58.95 P185/70SR14......58.05 P215/70SR14......66.95 ESPN Bodies in Motion FAM father Dowing Mystenes Oswi LIFE Move * TREMONTON 1470 Wall Ave. 241S0 2nd West 257-5419 394-8831 ® Civic Dialogue (@ CNN News CHM Sports DISC WilditfeTonight Tales [5 © Nightwatch tom BarberaMancrell& the Mandrell »_SSt2*S,Valentne Show CHW Worldwide Update Sis’ Valentine Show Usk, Mactiyve DISC Adventurers THT Movie 6M Night Court $:39 semnmmme e ESPW The inside700theClubPGA Tour Murder,“Destination She Wrot Tokyo okyo ( (Color)” E P205/60SR13......65.95 OGDEN Hard Copy TMC Movie “Always” G > idea midalght With Boxing THA Barbara Mandrell & the Mandrell $BC*ossruads Cia Showbiz Today @ Entertainment Tonig Radials VSESRI2 @) @ Nightline od.» WICK Mr. Ed KELLY METRIC Steel Belted Radieal for Imp 145SA1Z........0000040.95 165SR1B.... .creveee!43.95 T75SR14... cccereee!48.95 T65SAN15.......00000449.95 175/70SR13.........46.95 185/70SA13.........48.95 195/70SRi14......... 53.95 205/70SR14.....0046 55.95 WGE Movie “Rails into Laramie” 2:05 @ Nightside pend bee! ; - esgh tamer ; nae Riders « M+S rated for all season traction $3825 A&E An Evening at the Improv penser: For Hire USA || A gooddeal onagreattire- through design for excellent traction on @ Gold Prospectors MAX Movie “ChinaOBrien” MTV Gay Rok President's Day Tire Specials THT Movie “The Harlem Globetrotters” THM Crook & Chase @ Webster eee TBS All in the Famiy Where in the World Is Carmen San- ayge Movie “Fathom” Y PSH College Basketball THT Movie “Dive Bomber” ESPH 1985 Final Four Highlights 9:00 somencecmeees HBQ Dream On Night Court WICK Mork & Mindy noe $839 AGE Disaster Chronicles mmecnaawmnenenes 5775 sersmemcmcmnaas (iff commit Update @ MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour The storm dumped as much as 8 inches of rain and stranded dozens of people on Mondayin the Sepul15 miles northwest of downtown. Forty-eight people were rescued from car roofs and tree limbs. } 118 Move “SengWt the —=— ene mena | i ® Morning News mee ee @ Inside Edition TBS Three Stooges aes Forum OGM The Flintstones: Jogging Fever @@ Miracle Rock Church ant SHO Henry's Cat 2:99 mm FAM Css OY a York of Newmeme Hee Mom“King11:19 Nee © Soee tona ABE Movie The Fallen ido! F | Abd. a Wackiest Ship in the LICE Everday . ogi BearWorkout a 1m |
