OCR Text |
Show Standard-Examiner HORIZONS 2D Thursday, March 19, 1992 Secret of mussel-clad ‘mystery lingerie’ opens up In this crucial election year, with the nation’s economic future hanging in the balance, it is more vital than ever that you, the American on his head. As a taxpayer, you Dave Barry voters, be informed of recent developments concerning the Giant Mystery Zebra Mussel Brassiere. As you no doubt recall, we recently reported that the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation was trying to determine the ownership of a very large brassiere that had been pulled out of Lake Ontario with a colony of zebra mussels clinging to it. Ze- bra mussels are a new environmental menace that is spreading around the country at an alarming rate, similar to law-school graduates except that they (the graduates) have no formal code ofethics When we last reported on this story, the DEC had the Mystery Brassiere under observation, with no clue as to who the owner was, except that she’d never needa life preserver, if you get our drift. have to ask yourself why the U.S. Coast Guard is frittering away its resources guarding the coast when this kind of activity is taking place Knight-Rioder Newspapers Shortly after our report appeared, we received a letter from a Mr. Bob Isaacs of Tonawanda, N.Y., who claims that “the bra in question probably belongs to my friend Candy.” Mr. Isaacs states that in the summer of 1989, he and Candy were in a small motorboat on the Erie Canal and Niagara River, and “to makea long story short, her brassiere found its way onto my head.” By way of supporting (Ha ha!) evidence, Mr. Isaacs enclosed a color photograph that clearly shows him driving a small motorboat while wearing a brassiere the size of two regulation beach umbrellas nalism source, and we were willing to consider the Mystery 8rassiere case solved. But just then, without warning, we received a flood of letters from alert readers drawing our attention to a new report in The Watertown (N.Y.) Daily Times written by Christopher Taylor, who has been covering this story like shrink wrap, and who erable experiences known to man — almost as bad as enduring another election year. Fortunately,ef- Ask The Psychiatrist fective treatments are available. Insomnia that is secondary to a William Marchand Standard-Examiner correspondent “Oh no,” you suddenly remember. “Shoot, I was so busy today, I totally forgot an important appointment.” Instantly, you’re wide awake, mind racing, trying to figure out what you'll need to do in order to make up for this goof. And if that weren’t enough, now you have another problem — you can’t sleep. Sound farniliar? Well, you're not alone. In fact, you're in the same bed with morethat a third of U.S. adults. No wonder you can’t sleep —- that must be one crowded bed. But seriously, according to a recent Gallup Poll, 27 percent of Americans haveoccasional insomnia and 9 percent have a chronic sleep problem. Why can’t weget to sleep? About 40 percent of insomnia cases are caused by an underiying medical problem. One ofthese is obstructive sleep apnea, a condition where the passage of air becomes restrict- ed leading to snoring and brief periods of apnea (not breathing at all). This illness typically occurs in moderate!y obese men between the ages of 4) and 60. Often, those suf- fering from this condition are not awareof it, other than recognizing they have trouble sleeping. But, their bed partner is usually all too aware of the loud, continuous snoring and may also hear gasping or choking sounds when the snoring (and breathing) stops. Another cause of insomnia is nocturnal myoclonus, a condition in which there are repetitive leg muscle jerks that occur in about 30-second intervals and typically cause five or more arousals per hour. A similar illness, called restless leg syndrome, involves uncom- New blood test identifies hepatitis Scripps Howard News Service The United States’ 2,400 blood banks began using an improved blood test last week that detects hepatitis C, a potentially fatal liver disease. Development of the newtest culminates the speedy conquest of a virus that was causing 170,000 senous liver illnesses annually in the United States during the mid1980s. That includes 85,000 people whose illnesses became lifelong liv- valve-Encrusted Undergarment Reporting category. The story, headlined STRIPPER CLAIMS OWNERSHIP OF ZEBRA MUSSEL BRASSIERE, states that a striptease dancer named overboard, and he theorizes thatit “Busty Heart,” from Norway, was carried downstream to Lake - Maine, claims that she recognized Ontario, where the zebra mussels, the Mystery Brassiere from a newsoften referred to by marine biolophotograph. 5; gists as “The Lingerie Perverts of paper “That's my bra,” she is quoted the Deep,” got hold ofit. as saying. She states that she wore Judging from the fact that his it for an appearance last April at letter was neatly typed, we decided Lou’s Cordial Lounge in Rochester, that Mr. Isaacs was a reliable jour- N.Y., where the bra wasraffled off. Insomnia is one of the most mis- Dr. zer Prize in the prestigious Bi- on our inland waterways. Anyway, Mr. Isaacs states that eventually the brassiere was lost Havetrouble falling asleep? You are far from being alone Another stressful day is over. You fall into bed, finally able to relax. Mentally and physically exhausted, you feel like sleeping forever, or at least until next week. As you sink into the pillows, that wonderful sensation of drifting off begins. should, in our opinion, win a Pulit- fortable sensations in the legs when lying in bed. Movement relieves the discomfort, but seriously disrupts sleep. Alcohol is another potential cause of insomnia. Thoughit is a sedative, too much oruse too close to bedtime actually disrupts sleep. Also, many prescribed and over-the-counter drugs cause insomnia. And finally, nighttime caffeine can be a problem. Psychiatric disorders frequently cause insomnia, toc. Between onethird and two-thirds of those with chronic insomnia have a psychiatric illness. Jet lag, as all travelers know, can disrupt sleep. Usually, travel across medical or psychiatric illness can be corrected bytreating the underlying condition. And there are a number of “sleep hygiene” strate- gies that can be helpful. “One man told me that he was go- ing to put it on his boat as a sail and it could have blown off,” So we called up Gerard C. LeTendre, who, as the Supervisory Aquatic Biologist at the New York State Department of Environmen- tal Conservation’s Cape Vincent Fisheries Research Station, is responsible for keeping an eye on the brassiere. He was aware of Heart’s claim, and in fact had seen a photograph of her. “This is a big brassiere,” he said, “but it would be a tightfit, getting her into it.” We told Mr. LeTendre about Mr.Isaac’s letter, and he confirmed that it was biologically possible for Candy’s brassiere to have drifted down into Lake Ontario. “That's just as logical as anything else,” he said. Heart points out. We have here a photograph of So it looks as though the only way we’re going to get to the bot- Miss Heart, and wewill note for tom of this thing, as a nation, is to have the Senate Judiciary Commit- the record that the brassiere she is wearing, a size triple-M, makes the brassiere on Mr. Isaacs’ head look like it belongs to RainbowBrite. tee hold live televised hearings, featuring probing cross-examinations of the various claimants bySen. Ted Kennedy, and culminating in a dramatic courtroom-style re-enact- ment of the motorboat incident wherein the Mystery Brassiere is placed on the head of Sen. Orrin Hatch. Wouldn't that be great, voters? ; Of course there could be problems. There is the danger that the mussels, upon exposure to the Washington humidity — which is actually denser than Lake Ontario — would escape from the bra and multiply like crazy, spreading into vital government agencies such as the Bureau of Unintelligibie Prose, attaching themselves in overwhelming quantities to filing cabinets and duplicating machines and slower-moving federal employees. The entire government could grind to a halt until the Pentagon could gear up to move in there with Emergency Tactical Field Brassieres. It’s a chance we're willing to take. Voila! Put on a hat and haveinstant shoulder-length hair Scripps Howard News Service Another plus: It’s temporary. If Why would you want a hat with hair attached? Well, the most sensible reason would be to fool Mother Nature. Your hair is short. You put on this hat and voila! Hair to your shoulders. It's like wearing a wig or a hairpiece — only the long hair fails below a straw beach hat. Maybe you are a brunette who has yearned to go blond. You can do it with this hat. Or vice versa. You can even go auburnor bru- nette, in addition to ash blonde. you are frightened about changing your hair color, here’s one way to get used toit. Of course, you also have to get used to wearing a hat. Experiment with the hat anyplace you won't have the urge to remove the hat since the hair comes off with the hat. The hair is not full fall, but a band attached with Velcro. In public it would be easy to to cover wet, unruly hair. The designer, Eric Javits, thinks the hat wiil be popular because it protects a woman from the sun. What makes this one different is the look — the straw with the straight chin-length modacryilic fiber. You can wear the hat minus the hair, if you wish. It’s detachable. Javits offered the hat a few sea- doff your hat and forget what sons ago and it was so successful he decided to bring it back in two you're wearing. At the beach, you could take off styles: the “baby gambler” and the the hat to go swimming, then use it - “banquet bowler.” SE Here are sometips: LES ENO TE w Avoid caffeine within six hours of bedtime. Avoid alcohol and smoking one to two hours before bedtime. mw Exercise regularly. Get vigorous exercise in the late afternoon. But, strenuous exercise late in the evening may actually keep you awake. gm Don’t nap during the day. @ Keep regular sleep hours. Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends. Don’t sieep in to catch up when you do miss sleep. w Use your bed for one thing on- time zones causes more probiems ly — sleep. OK, OK, you can useit for two things, only because sex is when going east rather than west. Shift or night work can be a a great relaxation technique. ~ problem. Twenty-six percent of m Now for the most effective men and 18 percent of women in technique and, of course, the most the United States have variable difficult. Don’t stay in bed when work shifts. They frequently have you can’t sleep. If you’re awake afdisorders of sleep and digestion, ter about half an hour, get up, go to problems of alichol abuse and another room and do something until you get sleepy. Only come job-related accidents. back to bed when you're really Finally, the problem maysimply sleepy. be stress. One or two sleepless If these self-help techniques nights, when we're stressed-out, can don’t work, get professional help. became a long-term problem. We Finally, what about sleeping get over the original stress, but pills? These medications can be a then start worrying about getting to safe and effective part of the treatsleep, which almost guarantees that ment, if prescribed by a physician we won't. who is familiar with the treatment Some insomniacs get to the of sleep disorders. point that they can onlysleep weli Send your mental health queswhen they’re away from home. Their own bed has become so asso- tions to Dr. William R. Marchand, ciated with worry about sleeping Standard-Exaininer, P.O. Box 951, that getting close to it almost guar- Ogden UT 84402. Questions may antees feelings of sleepiness will be edited for length; names of writers will not be used. vanish. ALL FALL & HOLIDAY SPORTSWEAR REMARKA LE. Our greatest sale of the season continues with 50% OFF our already low outlet prices. Choose Pykettes Brand Fall or Holiday pants, biouses, skirts, jackets, or sweaters and save. Regularly priced from $16-$45. WARNER’S® Buy 2 Get 1 Discounts Will Be Taken At The Registers. C ; . . . Pe \ (Sale does not include our new spring group, our denim pants, orour basic group in black and navy.) [ i er infections, liver failure or liver cancer. The development of the hepatitis C blood test began in 1987 after the virus that caused it was identi- TAKE AN ADDITIONAL 50% OFF ALL SPECIALLY MARKED CLEARANCE RACKS fied by scientists at the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta and Chiron Corp. based in Emeryville, Calif. By 1990, researchers at Chiron and Ortho Diagnostic Systems Inc. at Raritan, N.Y., had developed the first test that detects the virus in donated blood The improvedtest, licensed last week by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, is more sensitive than the 1990 procedure. The national blood banks estimate there are 27,600 pints of hepatitis-contaminated blood per year that are not now being detected. That means the nation’s blood supply will be safer, said Dr. Shannon Cooper, president of the American Association of Blood Banks. The blood test won’t eliminate the spread of all hepatitis C because the disease also is spread by sexual contact. DISCOUNTSTAKEN AT REGISTER Prices Effective Through March 22nd. *Purchase two Warner's bras and take a third Wamer's bra home today. Offer good on the following styles: 1509, 1510, 2512. Not shown: 1021, 1522, 1598. *If two different styles are purchased, the free bra will be the one with the lower price. foie]ue).4ae Bttecntaae of Northern Utah Call 399-5232 v 129 North Harrisville Road 392-8921 Ogden The Family Center 10 am to 6 pm—Mondaythrough Saturday, Closed Sunday Fashion Place Mall ZCMI Center University Mail Ogden City Mall Se = ‘ |