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Show The Salt LakeTribune HOME & FAMILY Friday Beating the Blues After Kids Fly the Coop Empty-Nesters Try To Redefine Roles & Survive Syndrome And Refocus Lives cope with an empty nest: By Darryl E. Owens ORLANDO SENTINEL The time had finally arrived. Nancy and John Christiansen had waited for it for years — the day the last of their three children would vacate the homestead. It wasn’t that the couple cringed at parenthood; but after having their first child, David, only a year after saying their “I dos,” they were looking forward to exploringlife as a couple again. terms of your owngifts and talents. Try different things, experiment. Change the routinesin yourlife; try Sounded good in theory, but re- ality unfolded a bit differently. Nancy foundherself crying lot. “All our married life we'd waited for this moment,” Nancy said. “We hadn’t had the romanceyet, except sneaking away for a weekend. “It was ironic that something thatI'd so looked forward to was such an adjustment.” Loss of Purpose: It’s thatirony thatis the root of ‘““empty-nest syndrome,” whichis the sense of loss of purpose whenthe children grow up and leave the household. It can strike any parent, but generally hits more women than men and stay-at-home moms more than working moms. Because more menareactive in Here are some ways to @Change your outlook. Keep an open mind, aerobics, yoga, pottery, etc. Stay positive. Under- stand that this period is temporaryand that you can grow from the experience. Face up to your feelings — join a support group. This helps you realize that others are going through the sametransition youare. @If you are a stay-at- home mom ordad, neverlet one role be your whole identity. Join clubs, work a part-time job or do anythingthat createsa life outside of parenthood. Talk, talk, talk. One of the worst aspects of emptynest syndrome is the feeling that you're the only one who experiencesit; everyone around you seemsto be doing just fine. That’s usually not the case. — Orlando Sentinel the work force than women, they generally have other rolesto fall waiting in the wings. back on whentheir duties as father are diminished. In general, men whosuffer the empty-nest syndrome tend to have fewer children, are somewhatoider than average and see themselves as nurturing people. But experts say if you've gotit, you can take affirmative action to shakeoff the kids-are-goneblues. Theroad to recovery isfilled with trips, hobbies and long talks with a friend or companion whois a good listener. What Now? Empty-nest syndrome is one of those conditions that people — particularly men — who don't haveit find difficult to understand But the bottom line to rememberis that the empty nesteris go- ing through “‘a sense of feeling a loss of purpose oncethe children are gone,” said Emmy Freeman, an Oriando clinical psychologist. “It's a questioning of ‘What do I do now?” Whether you join a support group or exchange war stories Refocus Your Life: Start by refocusing yourlife. “A lot of women... go through this myopic period and just wonder a lot about what difference they’ve made,” said Nancy Christiansen, whois clinical coordinator at the Center for Women’s Medicine at Florida Hospital in Orlando and runs a menopause support group at the center’s menopauseclinic. “Their main job is over, in a way. There's a lack of focus. Most mothers have a child focus, and even though they’re still a mother,” once the kids are gone that role is no longer as prominent. “Their mission is sort of fuzzy,” she said. “They wonder, ‘What am There for?’ “Women weave in and out of these periods, and that’s where the melancholy comesin. There's somefeeling that there’s no turning back. There’s a marking time in life, and they’ve got to move on and don’t know how.” This is the time to take stock of your skills, interests, and pluses and minuses and go from there. Re-enroll in school, get a job or becomea volunteer. And if you're married, there’s always that hubby — or wife — GOLDEN WEDDING STAN & SHIRLEY ROCK Married September &, 1945 “F was glad to see some of the work end — it’s a big difference in cooking for six than cooking for the two of us — hut it was the ending of that era of everybodybeing at home and mebeing the mom.”’ in with an empathizing friend, working it out with words can be a boon. Parents who have devoted their lives to their families will likely experience some temporary loss whenthe nest empties. That sense of sadness maylinger a few weeks, but rarely does it blossom into full-fledged clinical depression in women who have not had problemswith depression before. Still, the condition can he especially acute for stay-at-homeparents, families who are very close emotionaily, and families who will be separated by large distances KAYE BOLT Florida empty-nester, 47 took yearly vacations, and their house was hometo all the kids in the neighborhood. The exodus started with son Preston, 28. Then Ted, 25, andfinally the twins, Tammy and Jenny, 23; went awaytocollege. “When Prestonleft, I still had three at home,” said Bolt, 47. “Then when Tedleft, I cried every day when I wentby his bedroom for couple of weeks. “But when Tammyand Jenny left together,it left a big hole for me. “It was just this sadness thatit was over, because I enjoyed it,” she said. “I was glad to see some of the work end — it’s big differ- ence in cooking forsix than cooking for the two of us — butit was the ending of that era of everybody being at home and me being the mom.” That recognition — thai a chap- ter of life has closed — was the linchpin in Kaye Bolt's recovery, experts say. That knowledge helps the sufferer turn a new page. Fun Time: Once you come to grips with family changes, “you need to reframe thesituation, so you now see ‘This is fun time for e,’ "’ Freemansaid. “You ean retrieve from your memory those things that you used to say, that ‘WhenI get time for myself I’m going go on trip: Hobbies and trips — mae surely they can’t hurt — the sole panacea for empty1a ers, of course. Even while skiing Deadman’s Dive in Aspen or sunning in Aruba, many empty nesters wrestle with self-reflection. Have I changed? Havethechildren changed? Did I raise them the right way? That's where talk helps. Often, husbands don’t understand why their children’s departure has this effect; and when empty nesters try to explain, they're often greeted with a blank expression. Male Viewpoint “There's a lot of really serious things happening to men that people are not talking about,’ says Hayward, who has appeared on many daytime talk shows to present male views. For instance, nobody on talk shows seems much concerned that men, on average, die eight years before women, he says. from many of the women Christiansen sees in her menopause group, where many of the women expectancy comes up, it is presented as a woman's problem, are going through empty-nest syndrome. “Sometimes they feel there’s a gulf in understanding even though the husbandis trying to understand. He says, ‘OK, so you miss them. Geta job, get a hobby.” These women need support, but then they don’t realiy know what they need sometimes.” Not the Same: Ray Bolt was sympathetic to Kaye’s condition, but although he was“very good at listening, he didn't have the same feelings that I did. It was hard; I wanted him to grieve the wayI wasgrieving,’ she said. Failing that, she found an empathetic ear elsewhere “T had a friend that was going throughit and we meetonce week and talked throughit,” Kaye Bolt said. “We had lots in common and there was something therapeutic abouttalking aboutit.” That friend was Nancy Christiansen. While these steps may remove the empty-nest shroud in due time, the best way to defeat the depression that comes from a reduced role in your children’slife, psychologists say, is to prepare uamncncanamneemen——— “aps packagedas if dying is one more thing men do to make problems for women.”? FRED HAYWARD on men’s shorter life expectancy Continued from D-1 “If this were happening to women, it would be on front pages every day,” Hayward says. “It would be the No.i health issue of our time. We'd be talking about gender genocide.” Even if the issue of malelife Hayward says, with talk of the poverty or loneliness of widows, or the shortageof available men for them to date. “It's packagedasif dying is one more thing men do to make problems for women,” he says. In regard to abortion, Hayward says, the debates center on the rights of women to end pregnan- cies. But how about the consequences for men who may not want children but are saddled with 21 years of child support if they make a womanpregnant? Women can demand abortions if they don’t want children, Hay- ward says. “If a man says the same words, the same people whocall themselves pro-choice say he should have thought of that before he had sex,” he says. Ortake child custody. Hayward contends American fathers in divorces too often get stripped of their legal rights to see their children, “Feminist organizations are leading the fight against joint custody,” hesays. Yet Hayward believes that as long as women overwhelmingly get custodyof children, they neyer can compete equally for jobs. Forhim,this is a personal issue. Haywardis lockedin a court fight with an ex-girlfriend over visitation rights to their son. There are other examples where men fare worse than women, Hayward says. Mandatory military service is e.. If President Clinton wanted to take decisive steps to end the nation’s day-care problems, women would rejoice, Hayward says. But if his solution was that at age 18 every woman had to workfor two years in a day-care center, he would be vilified. “I'd rather workin a day-care center for two years than fight in El Salvador.’ Hayward says. Or take boxing. “If women were being beaten into unconsciousness on television and we called it entertainment, legistation against boxing would occur,” he says. “Myjob isto raise awareness of these issues,” Hayward says. For now, that awarenesswill be limited to weekly shows broadcast in Sacramento. His first program will focus on what happens when the parent with custodyaftera divorce teaches a child to hate the other parent. “A lot of women out there are sick of the talk shows,” Hayward contends, “Theywant te hear what is really going on with men.” 2° SAKES ALIVE," THEY'RE 751 HAPPY80th BIRTHDAY JANNA SAMOT BROWN The Monsen Twins, evenbefore your kids are ready to Verna M. Parry & Vera M. Espionsa leave home. fronic Obstacle: Ironically, al a time when they would liketo focus on their husbands, many emp- ty nesters find that their feelings are often an obstacle. “Never let one role be your whole identity,” said psychologist Freeman. “Never put all your eggs in one basket.” dA The Family of Janna Samot Brown Would like to invite you to an Open House in celebration of her 86th Birthday, September 9, 1995, 5 to 7 p.m, 2460 Your chitdren & grandchitdren are ‘proud of the many years you sang In the Tabernace¢Cholr E. Melony (4350 Se.) Welove you Moms No gifts please. HAPFY BIRTHDAY Withall they wonderful choices at Pier1, you ca n createwalls that do much moret han just stand there. Right now ev ery size and style in our impressive selection of frames, a crimpin yourlife. were a close-knit family. They Men’s Show: Talk TV From “It’s a bit of a mystery to John,” Christiansen said of her husband of 27 years. Though hemissedhis children — David, 26, Josh, 23, and Katie, 21 — their departure did not hit him as hard. And that’s a common complaint Working Parents: It might be expected that empty-nest syndrome wouldstrike stay-at-home monis, but it can also deal a blow to working parents who feel as though they spenttoo little time with their children. Either way, it can certainly put Ask Kaye Bolt of Altamonte Springs, Fla. She retired last April after teaching piano for 18 years. She, husband Ray and their children D3 September8,1995, Regular Prices Frames, Framed Prints, and Pesters | HAPPY SOTH | BIRTHDAY prints, poster rs, and framed prints is on sale, It's.a great timeto put your walls to work for you, Affordable changes. Onl y at Pier 1 $11.24 -$37.49. Reg. $14.99- $49.99. Gold Embossed Frames $90. Reg. $1420.Afternoon Magnolia Fram ed Print. 27 x 33”. Otherframed p rints and posters also on sale from $9-$97.50. $7.49 -$33.74. KEN FARRER Reg. $9.99- $44.99. Wooden Framesin black, white, or natural $11.25 Reg. $15. Hand with Flowers Poster( unframed). 24 x 36” Otherunframed prints and posters also on sale from $4.50-$51.75 $11.24 -$44.99, ‘The children and 3 grandchildren of Reg. $14.99 - $59.99. Stan and Shirley wish to their 50th Wedding Anniversary. We express our iove and gratitude for their devotion and inspiration in our’ eee in St. lives. et,ee wouid lova to hear from you at Box 192, Santa Clara, UT nares. Baroque Mud Gold Frames. $2.25-$ 15. Reg. $3-$20. Love, from Evelyn, your childrer, grandchildren and great-grandchiidren. Desktop Frames. (Not shown.) $15 -$74, 99. Mitrors, (Not shown.) Reg. $20-$99.99. Wood Framed i geet FALL : INTO CHOCOLATE SEPTEMBER SALE 10 LB BRICKS - MiLK CHOCOLATE: MERCKENS MARQUIS - $19.19 NEW - MERCKENS ZURICH - $19.18 GUITTARD SIGNATURE - $19.19 PETER’S ULTRA - $21.49 ALSO: 10 LB MERCKENS MARQUIS BUTTONS -$19.99 COMING SOON: CALLEBAUT CHOCOLATES WILTON AND OTHER CAKE DECO SUPPLIES INCLUDING READY-TO-USE ROLLED FONDANT C & € INC. 487-3300 367 W. PAXTON (1170 SOUTH) For store locations, hours of operation, or direct connection to the Pier] nearest you, call 1-800-447-4371. Sale prices good through September 22, 1995. Piertforimports a change |