OCR Text |
Show Veen The Salt Lake Tribune UTAH LIVING Sunday, April 11, 1999 Dont Wory,It’s Just a Phase — a Worse One Is Coming Think You Know Your Kids? Think Again, Experts Say BY WILLIAMR. MACKLIN KNIGHT-RIDDER NEWS SER’ Notmy child! and almost inevitable responseto it out. Theyalso love to “doit themthe tools to make the right decisions.” clique or.peer group. “When a parent says, ‘I know tonsillectomies but can’t figure out howto maneuver all the sur- early childhood Jorge Colapinto, a psychologist and chifd therapist with the Fam- “It’s important toset up.. different contexts.”” Researchers have long under. stood that groups have distinct personalities and thatindividuals and pockets, dragged theminto movie was the houseand saved them in the develop a private life, parents mal, usuallyhealthy part of matu- one ofhis sisters Mike. We also hadleft behind. As they gazedin with titles like The Secret World of Cement Mixers and Pullin My Payload. Each time we werethinking, “Whodid this “And so we need torespect our growingchild’s needfor privacy Agnihotrisaid. “But we also n to understand that they need us.” Young people, especially teens, must feel that their parents will Those qualities are also crucial if a parent is going to penetrate a child’s peergroup and get a sense quite aggressi and unpredictable in a group.” of whetherit’s dysfunctional outeasts or something somewhere in between, cial, personal and family pres- “You have to recognize that you're dealing with a different culture andyouhave tobeable to viewit calmly andwith respect or you will never get ac “0! pinto said. “The right attitude is to be informed and to remain open to communication.” community where everyone has the same values and characteris- ties, areigoing to discoverthat it Rarely he said, do parents Mh THERE'S workings of teen peer groups. Gail Coyle, a middle-school teacher and divorced mother of eat was forced ré¢ently to admit that she didn’t understand everything that was happening in the private world oFher daughter, Holly Coyle said that even though her has had moments ofdeep disagree- ment, she hi struggled to understandher child andfelt rea sonably certain that she could predict her behavior. That was before Holly admitted NO EXCUSE FOR that she was pregnant “We havetalked about sex and we have talked about AIDS — it never occurred to methat she protection,” ABUSE said But Holly has her own life and CALL 1-800-897-LINK her owngroup — a group of two made up of herself friend, And when a Inhindsight, these stages were er with a “guy” in the basket. we celebrated by wearing hardhats phase our son went through when Fortunately, tracks eventually Shovel becamesucha big part of ble and myson begged to rename trudged through dozens of books watched a videotapecalled “Giant Machines at Work,” wasrequiredto “Wow” at least a and her boy I wag erying and not sure what she would do,” said Holly, a high Full contentof The Salt Lake Tribune is available daily on the We www.sltrib.com school senior. “I thought she would say, ‘Oh, no, what did you do?’ Holly was wrong ‘She actually said, ‘OK, now Those Holly | “I was surprise: Coyle saidshe was disappointed Highland Dr, working — he was ready to keep going and I'd already told him eve thing | know The guy on the hot line told me | probably wouldn't die from jumpingoff the roof of our two story house. Miraculously, the even scarier than the following day the kids stopped speaking English and choseto communicate only by making animal sounds. Harmony wasre stored. Janet Konttinen is the mother of a son, 5, andtriplet daugh panyrepresentative ters, ‘Things went along nicely until You canwrite her c/o Universal Press Syndicate, they entered the “Why” phase. MainSt., Kansas Cit 64111 Some families knowit as the RLU aa eae) Y TOWNHOMES v BAD CREDIT OK ¥ Consolidate Credit Card Debt ¥ LowerYour Monthly Payments Starting in the 130s * 2 Dec ated Models 801.263.8102 ¥ No Income checkloans 7 FREE Pre-Approvals ¥ Lower YourInterest Rate NE-LEVEL HOMES each month, spacepermitting ron BY Pras SS 10 ross ANB AA Ate AO) eo sus 1-800-562-6152 Startingin the 150% + 4 Decorated Models 1.888.290.7558 or 801.732.9758 RealEstate 467-6688 OPEN SATURDAY Ia OPEN 1200 3.00 PRRRECT BUNGALOW SOUTH 4520 WEST int EN Sh 1th nmeroom ook. pongboi& ver nen cota hovce fot 4 2Mosel forty WnSo00"sarbove assba. 2808 Sens, Petes toar4 Sera bom PRN 1200 2:90 HOWADAY iyba.2 HOME choicePERFECT neiontomnoog bacige moat| iceetaa 2c ge 960309. Momnce gx a sugonsasace, ut xtct $07,500 savor 1 W. Prot Ave 1098 Diamond Woy (104805) Sot 114 ronbie ‘epentb, udl fe bam. 4 Ook 8 te, pen net omedeed clings. a tbcen, maple W, SON | Overitd went, 48024, feo Donen, “mie/aenct 2200 aah Sater aa7ust {$924,900.4127 900 WEST VALLEY COTY 185 W. Bie Grose $1900 West VALLEY cory | ‘ot (2470 8) 4708 Mordor (9329 5) {220 £ Loraine Or (1228 com tt that 28 (how homes ot ews ister” 3, 3 Wess come me Feats ha arm A ao eat Daring Lrvereoed ::ve. 190 14, = ST| Wesco g Peer 2 ohSUGARHOUSE a8 $94,800 Sionon 27aat SPa 8 N0048 Toy Meope snasas $179,900, Satee 19fas 3380, ay, aymia nce conde. bam, tone Sy28 ‘ eran oe ft 4 A “ evi oes cegestnpes ou oe Tieton, i beh!|Snca soonThor et tase 63.6497 Dok Deny 5962770 jae wwe| 5 1 Aner enpeatye Sinnatone eta antes © Bbwcee Cop 3019722 ote ie S47448 SAT EY Lat crry sp sn tT 400 uae ciry 1420 L Wace Ae (470 §) pee ane tence 03H $284,900 RON $382 W. Fon Pointe Dr. (8270 8) ‘oohdela agnor #28ost lowsro ti, § an tes stn ae see CooteHomann ta a eon gee vos ‘Conde Frans AYP 3614 ieBail Lake Eribune nt re bn Shes ge Cette] eg bgp ewe re ‘205,900 Preferred Mortgage, Inc. 7069 S, time we were heavy into the Bi ble vs. Darwin. It wasn’t a T-Rex eats aninsurance-com: meto smileandsay “hello” to Who is your hero? SpeakOut, TheSalt Lake Tribune's monthly column of Utah schoolchildren’s opinions, wouldliketo know Studentsareinvited to send responses of 100 words or fewer to SpeakOut, c/o Features Department oe Salt Lake Tribune, P.O. Box 867, Salt Lake City, UT 84110. Thclude your name, age, school and teacher's name. Entries must bereceived by April 2 SpeakOut appears in the Utah Living section the first Sunday of test confirmed what do you want to do?’ were her exact words,” their diaper anyway? Theyformeda circle aroundit, hunkered down and parked themselves there for an hour, leaving Speak Up, Students in January that she was pregnant she waited three days before she told her thother. said. cal discussion of Karl Marx's view ofan ideal socialist incenive system, and just before bed show, and surprisingly wasn’t frightenedby it. I guess evenat that age he knewthat it’s OKif and more we had movedinto a philosophi but heinsisted. He was absolute ly transfixed throughout the fascinatedsilence, I knowthey make buy rubber Stegosauruses. By noon monkeys in “The Wizard ofOz kitchen. One day during a bug hunt, they found something a dog wherewas money so we could watchit. I explainedthat this ried bugs aroundintheir hands 4N Forsyth knowon.understand the inner use sai Colapinto, of the FamilyInstitute sures that can bind and focus them, Forsyth said. “Parents who think they can shelter their child fromthis dangerous, multicultu world of drugs and strange values, in a Coyle, 50, normal outlet for a growing adolescent, a nest of Teen groupsform the most easily because young people haveso- wouldn't abusehot line. plainedthat he ni handle their problems with restraint and calm, demonstrating the maturity and confidence the child lacks, said Agnihotri People whoare relatively placid and nonaggressive can become 18, enoughto see a realcherry pick- the family that I startedsetting a place for Mr. Mulligan at theta- should recognizethat this is a nor that groups are very powerful, Forsyth said. “You can’t predict the behavior of an individual once they become a member of a group, vegardless of their age. relationship with Holly, stareat the garbage-truck driver, and on days we werelucky gave way to bugs. Ourkids car- hotri said. In adolescence, when children “People arereluctantto believe front by 6 am. on Wednesdaysto he becameobsessed with trucks. Mike Mulligan and His Steam quences of their behavior, Agni- groups. Understanding how and dozen times. We hadto be out to dinner. of Philadelphia. Children as young as 3 can learn to understand the conse. tend to follow the dictates of their to an empathetic person on the JANET KONTTINEN only a mildpreludeto a grueling ta whythat happens is crucial to understanding everything from Nazi Germanyto gang violence to the social pressures within highschool cliques, said Donelson R. Forsyth, a social psychologist at Virginia Commonwealth University and author of the book Group Dynamics. themselves. These phases add both hours to your day andcalls of their questic body’s Mom: but they'd rip the pacifiers out of their mouths and see who couldbeat it to deathfirst with the plastic knob on the back. Wedecidedto put off getting a kitten Almost overnight, thegirls movedon to babies. They began They wantto performtheir own gical instruments after they've administered the anesthesia to egy and reply would tire of the tedium mornir x my son sked w » work. I ¢ I'd watch themcorner a spider andyell futilely, “She is some to cuddle and care for anything with a head. I liked this. At the sametime our son discovered dinosaurs. One day he saw the cover from the “Jurassic Park video on the shelf and wanted to Agnihotri, a child and adole: chiatrist at Children’s Hospi- they don’t knowthekidin all con. texts, and peoplearedifferent in three from Philadelphia, in- teractions that will continue throughout thechild's life,” said ily Instiftite of Philadelphia. “But Thebug phaseturnedugly camepassé. and they werecontent onlyif they could squishit slice their own apples. clip their own nails and cut their own hair. tive behavior is to give their children strong personal values in mykids,’ they are not in denial — theyreally do knowthe kid,” said family myself.” Though they are unable to pull on socks, they demand to She said parents’ best defense against negative or self-destruc- Guari any Ivy League material in our elicit a “yes,” but I never reas Agnihotri Psychiatrist commends that kind of thinking. lives governed bythedictates of a neyer: will work,” ask them questionssideways and even though you hope they will maketheright ones, youcan't How Come period This is a terrible time in parents’ lives when no matter what they the chi Wh day I deci the peop! walkedby. It made me doubt whether we had PARENTHOOD pe One of thefirst is when no” to everything. nancy, but she knows that young people “maketheir own decisions controlit. All you can dois give news that their child has done something wrong, and done it ina public and disturbing manner. Many children harbor secret said Little kids go throughlots of to learn of her daughter's preg- For manyparentsit is a bitter FS Dot DRAPE wousoar 1H otpn a Canerns ion comaten ayn oon em preg Woe yo Tw Fctar New 24 some sat wt cor 20 ero 9 semen e810 “rom ve Tietonoom eee re pene cows Nop yo bt! Une Sct A809 SLC, UT 84121 947-9219 inorone 421 u Have Perfect Credit Fock m HORA, GAS Have Earned The Best Deal! tse $475 = a Auge Origination “No” Points ditty Costs = - oo Owner Occupied Investment Suge Cost Regardless of Size or Type of Loan ah : hee eh oeoes SIP" he | wane eae eniton tee ves ps Soee 15a, Toone emg oe | Ba mon VALLEY MORTGAGE oe ee OR APR 6% wo YR FINED els 70% API is YR. JUMBO APR 0 YR. JEMBO tAPK = LOWEST CLOSING COSTS AVAILABLE ® PRER PRE-QUALIPYING a CLOSE WITHIN 7 BUSINESS DAYS $5-7800 or 295-5800 SALT LAKE omic ha mn) badseswiie i Li ae ‘oup.com Cee aia Cero etin Ce ee) Ceee) TeRL rT yor-717-4082 Aeee) or) Oe SL) Peta nim 801 Tor Ce ent re ea Aa eres DeenTe] IR COPY Re ele |