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Show IT TAKES WORK l r i - " .1111 ... '.i ' I 4 J i 1 If bit Ilf Marriage Joy For Prepared Disagreements ways come to marriages where the people involved are not perfect, but that these conflicts will not be detrimental if they are successfully resolved. Couples sometimes boast that they never quarrel, or that they never argue in the presence of their children, he noted. , Thats nothing to brag about, in my opinion. I think if couples are going to have something to boast' about, w.iat they should boast about is, 'When we argue, we resolve our conflicts and come to a conclusion that we both can agree on. and problems can arise In almost any marriage, but when couples know how to resolve them, the marriage will not be affected. The following story is the first of two on how to minimize mari- tal problems hem. and what to do to solve s a wedding band a circle of happiness, or a ring of fire? Is marriage a gateway to eternal joy, or another trial to be borne? The answers to those questions may depend largely on how the newlyweds have prepared for marriage, explained Juel Gregefsen, a social worker for LDS Social Services-Uta- h and area consultant to priesthood leaders. With proper preparation, marriage can be satisfying, producing happiness for both partners. Without it, one or both can be miserable. Some people have the false notion that if they get married in the temple, thats going to solve some problems for them, too, Elder Gregersen said. He emphasized that while this first step brings blessings, it will not necessarily make a marriage successful. Making a marriage work, he said, requires a commitment .from both partners to try to meet the others needs and resolve any conflicts that may arise. But how do you prepare to meet the needs of another person in a marriage partnership? Can this preparation begin before marriage? The couple definitely can and should prepare for a marriage relationship before the ceremony. Elder Gregersen replied. Its important that before the marriage the couple decide what their eternal goal is, then talk about what the in- termediate goals are and then do a lot of talking about what their dreams are, what their values are, what their likes and dislikes are. Elder Gregersen explained that conflicts may arise in marriage because the two partners enter the relationship with differing expectations of the roles each will play. These expectations are usually based on the roles played by each partners parents. When one of the partners does or says something that would have been a clear signal for action in his own parents home, the other partner, who is not familiar with that home, may not respond as his or her mate had wished. "Couples before they get married need to be aware of that, and then have enough association with each others fam- ilies in common, everyday situations that those things come out in the open. Getting to know each others family before marriage provides a chance to see what problems one may face with the prospective mate. This may make those problems easier to understand, and hence, easier to solve, when they arise. . s, He said success In marriage depends largely on the couples ability to develop and use. constructive communication patterns, and that development of these patterns should begin before marriage. 10 - CHURCH .' . WEEK ENDING JUNE . the couple first learns how to face, handle problems. the importance of good communication in the home to prepare a child for successful marriage. can both have a temper tantrum at the same time, and the next day laugh about it and make up. The key to happiness in marriage is whether or not you resolve conflicts. It has little to do with how many conilicts you have. Some couples have a disagreement, every day about something, but if they resolve it they can have a happy You Couples must learn before marriage what each win expect of each other in this closest of relationships, what role each sees for himself and his partner, and each, "must find out how to determine the others needs in order to meet these as best they can. i ; Many of these stresses can become in marriage. When that battlegrounds happens, whether the couple resolves their conflicts can determine the future of the marriage. If they develop destructive communication patterns, attacking and blaming each other, the marriage can go into a destructive downward spiral. If they develop constructive communication patterns, sharing their feelings with honesty and understanding, then the marriage can he strengthened as conflicts are resolved. I dont think very many people are really maiure enough when they are married, and I dont think they should wait until they are mature enough. Its all a relative thing. You get married, its a new experience. And if youre willing to work at it, and to keep trying, why then youll make it, Elder Gregersen added. They ..should definitely come to an agreement;?Whaf doyou expect of me when I jrtt married? and What. do I expect ofyouT lttf alot Better tot them to disagree about thiit before marriage than after," Elder Gregersen opined. al- He pointed out that disagreements .. v - Before marriage, Elder Gregersen said, couples need to talk not only about what roles they expect each other to play, but also how they expect to handle the most common stresses that arise in parent- finances, marriage hood, value differences, loss of associations and freedom one had when single, etc. ' four-year-o- He repeatedly emphasized the necessi- ty of building good;; Communication patterns before marriage, by. intensive interaction, talking to each other about past, future, aspirations, dreams ana ex-- , pectations. And Elder Gregersen stressed 1 6, 1973 very important that theyre on the right road and going in the right direction and that they are progressing a little bit each day he said. I think that what Im really saying is that the best preparation for marriage is to come from a good, happy home, he elaborated. Where the mother and father in the heme show their love for each other by word and touch, and where they continue to resolve their differences, the child will develop confidence in his ability to relate properly with a mate. and satisfying relationship. : its And its also important that they constantly take stock of their marriage to see how they are progressing toward their eternal goals. ;The couple , must view earth life as continuous progress toward the opportu-- ; nity to "'grow eternally in the Celestial, Kingdcni, Elder Gregersen commented. ; ' I don't think its too important where they are on the road to exaltation, but . ; 5 S i " I think that if a married couple cannot look back each year and feel, ,We are happier this year than we: were last; we 4 love each other njore this year than we did last doing better year than we were last year, if they, cant , say that, then theres a need for some' real concern and some extra effort, .to re? solve things and bring them back in line , again. t ehrete 5 |