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Show wsyaaN m&m&m 2 DESEREI NEWS, WEDNESDAY, MAY 16, 1973 - Parents: stop, look By Dr. Elliott Landau Professor of Child f University are a few simple things you need to practice. Development, Utoh First, when a child indicates Who hasnt had the feeling of talking to someone and that he wants to say something to you and it is approbeing heard but not listened priate to hear a.nd listen to to? what he has to say (that is, Wherever many people gathhe hasn't violated some eleer conventions, meetings, rules of etiquette), there is a lot mentary large parties what you are doing and stop of talking going on as people turn around to listen gather m knots to exchange ideas. Perhaps the word exIf the rhild is a preschooler, change isnt the most appro- be sure to get down to where ideas he is or bring him up to w here Hear priate here. wouid be better. you re and then let him talk. Too often this is precisely By looking right at the child what happens at home Chilyou are encouraging Inin to dren report tint it is a frecontinue. That's the trouble at quent occurrence at school, the conventions I mentioned too. above. Listening to a child is an art It seems as though folks which requires some discipline have their eyes on anyone on the part of the adult. There No, Areths. 5feaminc5 Today's But w hen he indicates that he has something to say, and you have indicated that you would Family be willing to listen to it. then he deserves undiluted attention . Second, with the very young child it might be well to listen with one arm around him jo that you form sort of a cuddle right iher. and there. A cuddle is a huddle for folks who havent football equipment. DR. ELLIOTT of who might pass next and that they are looking through us rather than at us. The child attenrequires the undivided tion of the adults in his world. course not. . If it isn't that kind of conversation then you need to nod often, rephrase what you think you have heard and then encourage the child to express himself fully. crspy, thftyVe-t- uiiMfo a group of wwx flying aces? sort the world, the family and the neighborhood and tht two of you are talking with no outside. busy world intervening Third, in order ta prove that you really are listening, it is important that you answer all questions as they are asked. LAflDRU At all times? Of By doing this you have shut out the rest of hiQk-fl'uA.'taste- .l There may even be a time when you will ward to try a summation of what you heard and, if the world is pressing, learn how to end the conversation with politeness and discretion. -- In my home I frequently indicate my office door and in we go to do some listening And here is where the listen ing with the third ear comes in In all children, no matter what age. there is much that they say w hen they either or when they say what they do not mean to say. ness to the feelings of others who sometimes cannot bring their feeling to the speaking out level of consciousness. The kind of listening which the reads between lines, which has sensitive antennae up all the time will enable you to hear what is said, especialIt will ly with adolescents. then help you to rephrase what you hear, or interpret, to see if you can focus on what the child may have wished to say but simply couldnt have always appreciated friends who have been perceptive enough to know when I really needed them even if my verbal messages didnt communicate that need I the hen adults have developed In our house, a few weeks ago. my seemed teen-ag- e daughter to be wandering around sighing unde" her breath just loud enough for someone to hear. This is not language in its fullest sense, but is what is called covert signals. That is. she hat something on her mintj but for whatever reason wasnt able to find anyone to tell it to. The long sighs, the bedraggled look and the vvistfulriess all sent clear messages to alert parents who finally decided to take the opportunity to have a private moment together. And then it flowed . . I have found that innocent questions often betray deep which feelings about maM.-rcannot be asked directly. s I recollect one from a child who asked her father if It was okay to disappoint someone even if you liked them In this case, there was no long recitation of a story, just the question which, if parents were really listening w ilh that third ear, would tell them tlrat there was more to the question than the ear had heard a thoroughbred classic Bicycle safety The kind of nice 'n neat little dress you'll turn to, time and time again for shopping tours, for luncheon in town, for vacation travels. Just wearing it makes you feel as fresh as a spring dev. Fashioned of machine washable 100 polyester knit, easy and comfortable, nicely detailed. 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