Show ms linis OWN HOUSE HOW A householder WAS WORRIED TO DEATH from the many inconveniences and privations privations attendant upon married life ilfe an fn a a beardin boardinghouse boarding house and the mutations of whim as to progressive rental values which yearly assail agall the tenant of others improving real estate it is the not unusual ambition of the man mau of family to devote his earliest pecuniary accumulations to the purchase of a house of his own wherein in complacent de flance defiance of extortionate landlords he may enjoy the life and liberties of a freeman some there are who reach and revel in this rich consummation without excessive detriment from the grievous law of compensation which discomfits so many schemes of worldly felicity but there is a tragedy of too frequent occurrence in the old spanish proverb that when the roof is on the graveyard opens and many a patient toiler after a horse house of his own has escaped death in the new edifice only to mourn the other common penalties of such attained estate certain natural enemies of the new householder for instance seem to have an unerring wicked instinct for finding his family in their first hours of vainglorious ous estorial residence and beguiling ng them to bankruptcy in the mad purchase or of the innumerable articles suddenly commended as essential to the simplest safety and comfort of ones own house one might not think it necessary to have such things in a mere hired tenement ten ament but to ones own house they are I 1 indispensable this is a really dreadful peril of the novice in domiciliary ownership and the many who havo have suffered from it will be ready to credit the story ota ofa of a citizen of cleveland ohio who according to the leader of that city eity ended his intolerable anguish under it by leaping into the canal there lately leaving his explanation of the act in the form of a diary of his pitiless persecutions A clerk upon a fair salary he had scraped and economized until his sav savings were sufficient for the erection ofa ora of a house practicably practical ab mortgage ed and upon taking possession thereof he began that daily record of his life now serving to apologize for his un timely death the extracts from this record as given by the local journal above named are full of admonitory suggestion for those who yearn to become their own landlords at first he rejoices at his new dignity in these facile terms JN HIS OWN HOUSE AT LAST in my own house at last built to suit my wife with three closets to each room a bathroom bath roomi room back stairs leading to the servants apartments a verandah veranda h on two sides and four i bay windows what drawback drawbacks canther can there e be to my future happiness no more nord rent to pay no grumbling landlords I 1 can cut a stovepipe hole where I 1 choose and kick refractory doors in shape without reproof or charges there are few young men so happily situa situated tedas as I 1 lam iam am with a wife two sets seta of twins a four cearold ye year arold aroid oid old boy a coach dog an bucat old oid batand and ninaj it tens to say nothing of a good salary at af old grinders with an occasional loual perquisite quis qui site itel when I 1 am in charge of the money drawer during the cash cashiers fees absence providence has indeed snicker ed right out on me THE FIRST HORROR but scarcely have these notes of exultation lost their pungency in distance when the first inevitable horror of the new situation invades his earthly paradise went home an hour earlier than usual to today d day ay because my new boots hurt me I 1 and ii it was well I 1 did for I 1 found angeline crying and a big side bide whisker ed chap standing over her witha pen in his hand trying to moke her subscribe for poets of the world to be completed in numbers if possible to come in monthly parts payable when delivered he had already taken her note for thirty days for a map of ohio issue of 1812 and a full set of noodles dime romances I 1 library size he had almost convinced her to subscribe to the poets as I 1 entered YOU will never neven feel it to pay for them by the month said he here I 1 abruptly placed the toe of my shoe which was built for war against him and he concluded to call some other time MORE TROUBLE that fearful visitation of the new american householder was thus checked for the time though only to be succeeded by something even more agonizingly impudent more imore trouble again today to day went home and found four gentlemanly looking men seated in the parlor who had clied caled led on business of the utmost importance artance p rt ance as they said and angeline had invited them to dinner supposing them to be acquaintances acquaintance 3 of mine after dinner each one called me aside at different times and asked me if my ilfe ilde was insured at the same time stumm stuff stuffing mog lOg alyd my pockets full of circulars pamphlets and figures relating to their respective companies I 1 smiled at their eagerness and said I 1 would see them again they pressed my hand warmly and said 1 I doubtless would unless death intervened I 1 must insure though and one company is just as good as another I 1 between that and the next fell persecution seems to have come a brief breathing in spell just long enough for the recital of I 1 A PRETTY LITTLE INCIDENT OF CHILD LIFE had an interesting time this morning the four year old boy swallowed the stove lifter at least he said he did and its missing and I 1 remained at home so long standing him on his head and swin swinging glug him by the heels to get the missing article out of him hlin that I 1 was late at the store and received a rep 1 from the old man who said I 1 must not let ht that occur again whether he meant the tardiness or the stove lifter affair is more mom than I 1 know P B S the lifter was found in the stove tonight to night with the handle burned off there was no time however for protracted attendance to children as OTHER tormenters WERE AT THE DOOR everything has been more quiet today an and I 1 would be perfectly happy if these boots I 1 am trying to break in were two sizes larger but then lon lou longfellow 9 fellow says into each life must some ra rain in fall I 1 angeline says she found the c cards ards of blk bik six bix sewing machine agents shoved in under the front door upon her return from a neighbor s today to day I 1 hope these industrious members of society do not contemplate te a raid mid upon me at present I 1 have promised angeline a first class machine as soon as 1 I am able to get round to it but that will not be for a month yet the unhappy man takes comfort from f ate nate too soon in the matter for if wing swing s machine men and other furie furies s are not immediately toler tolen tolerated abed in the newhouse new house itself they know how to terrorize the miserable owner elsewhere into readier future hospitality the four insurance agents a p patent abent fence and washtub wash tub kanand six I 1 lightning I 1 rod men called at the store today to day to see about insuring fencing w washtub wash ash tub bing at ard d me into a state of happiness and comfort mr grinder my e employer ampo yer said tome to me you must not have your y our friends visit you during business hours jones which made me so vexed I 1 said sald DREADFUL SCENES OF VIOLENCE next follow dreadful dread fili fill scenes of actual violence in this strange path pathetic tic story of house owning ilfe life succeeded by ka an entry hopeful with to day everything ran like clockwork until I 1 arrived at home when I 1 couf found id a dashing horses hitched to a couple of dwarf pear trees in the front yard ard and a red wagon filled with badders ladders and bings things stood in the middle middie of a bad of hlas hias and gerani ams a bulldog bull dog of the yellow variety and with teeth teel like a crosscut cross cut saw smiled at me from the door step while two men upon the roof were busy tearing off shingles and driving hooks books into the chimney I 1 made a careful detour and entered my house to find a black whiskered chap smelling strongly of patchouli patch leaning lovingly over angelines shoulder while she w was as engaged ga ed in practicing on a sewing machine cafe what in the name of all that is cheeky does this mean meanT sald said I 1 ah replied old oid with a leer at my wide wire your husband I 1 presume the f fact a et is sir r your wide wire a devilish fine woman b by the way waybas has decided to purchase one of our double treadle reversible needle warranted not to rip ravel or run down at the heel sewing machines but I 1 fo bear why repeat what followed my entry jn in this journal today to tc day will be brief but to the tho point I 1 am wearing a saddle saddie rook rood oyster over my eye angeline is in tears and in bed with a strong odor of camphor about her person but no back action double treadle sewing machine decks my house and were it not for the trampled condition or of my fl fi iwer bed and a few displaced u Is placed shi shingles on the roof one would never dream that two able bodied light ning rod men had attempted to go through me yesterday I 1 must organize for war however on the prussian plan peace exists in our household once more I 1 have pacified angeline on the sewing machine question and we have formed an alliance for offensive purposes against all enemies to our peaceful home and happiness A Is smallpox small in 11 pox I 1 sign kept the agent for two days ay but the milb milkman man and postman also forsook us and we were forced to take it down since then by keeping the doors doubly locked and using a system of counter countersigns signs and raps when members of th the e family desired ingress or egress the obtrusive visitors were kept at bay VAIN HOPES vain the hope here entertained even after aften expelling a 1 I patent lightning 1 ng rod man who bad approached him by i bilm plim climbing bing in at a window and having the window itself faced with iron bars the luckless liver in his own house was doomed to endure another pageant imy my little boy awakened me this morning by exe aiming nimi aimi ngOh oh papa come here to the window there is a circus out here and I 1 want to see the elephant 1 1 I did did as requested but what juvenile innocence had mistaken for a show was about a score of I 1 rod wagons with the horses hitched to th my new ly painted picket pickel fence reclining on m my g green r een and grassy lawn were forty cre three e lightning rod men each with a sample of their wares in one hand and a i tight note in the other nor tor the unlucky victim to signia sign if he could not pay cash while I 1 was thinking what to do up drove seven sewing machine men each with witha a machine strapped in the hind end of his wagon and which they commenced to unload shortly after coming to a halt hait A scuffling sound also emanated from the fireplace in the parlor at this juncture and upon investigation I 1 found a life insurance man tightly wedged in the opening head downward I 1 did not go to my place of business to day baynot not a member of my family stirred out of the house and now at 10 hear the crowd outside and know that it has not diminished THE END approaches RAPIDLY NOW and the concluding passage of this sad diary shows the overtaxed mind breaking down at last under a burden of misery greater than it can bear three days in my house and most out of food the letter carrier shoved a note from my employers through the key keyhole hole hoie this morning which informed me I 1 had been discharged for shirking work and going to pleni picnics cs I 1 only smiled a sardonic smile as I 1 read it the twins clamored for milk last night and I 1 slipped out in the darkness to milk the cow I 1 found a sewing dewing machine maii mail man tacking his cards on her ribs her tall had been pricked and docked and a lightning rod with a silver point extended along its surface she was as dry as a powderhorn powder norn boru and in returning to the house I 1 had to run nun the gauntlet of a ak dozen insurance men meu and barely escaped e d with my life I 1 cant stand this much 1 longer afy ville wife always knew 1 she made a mistake in marrying i g me 11 tonight to night I 1 will end thia this miserable existence if I 1 could only go out west and buy a farm but even then I 1 would soon be swept by the invading hordes of agents into the pacific 11 i mr jones story the story of ilfe life in ones one sown own house is told The ceader Leader reporters P language in powerful allusion to the he t aquatic death scene seene la too beautiful to be improved he sleeps perchance b beneath the waters of the canal unmindful of the wealth laden galleons gal leons of trade that pass and re repass passover over oven him he heeds not the proud ship laden with hoop boop poles as she breens ber her re the gale that strikes her in the stern and forces her ahead nor the curses of her commander at the mule for al owing slack rope to accumulate on his heels |