Show SUNDAY MORNING JANUARY 12 1935 RLeal IK c- -a unman eld Half Police 1 Way Car Speeder By RUBE GOLDBERG OI dislike be ins a pessimist I do not believe that automobile drivers axe honest In their recent sudden determination to curb their urge to drive at a speed that jeopardizes life and limb The pledges of movie stars and the distribution of "horrible-jxampl- e'' pamphlets by absent-(Klnde- d judges will not alter the subconscious thought that is in the back: of every driver's brain when he is out on a clear smooth road I mean the fear and hate of motor: cycle cops The wave of propaganda against fast driving will be wholly ineffective unless it is supplemented by a humanize motorcycle campaign to lowbrowed cops The high-handmethods of officials in- - reform schools send boys back into the world with an incurable grudge atagainst society The Draeule-lik- e out road cops brings titude of something primitive and vengeful citizen bein the meek The disdainful hind the wheel sneering deadpan approach of a THjighly - costumed asphalt demon Jthen he produces his summons book ed - law-abidi- ng has the ' frightening effect of a hangman deliberating and mali ciously adjusting the knot on a noose If drivers are expected to be hu- man why shouldn't policemen whose salaries are paid by the driv ers be human too? "Why cant can didates for the motorcycle squad -- when they are taking their final examinations be required to distin guish between criminals and peace ful citizens If I were stopped on a Sunday by a motorcycle cop and heard him say upon removing his hat "Sorry sir but I've got to caution you going so last You probably Oigaihst realize it Hope you enjoy your outing Good day sir Td be so filled with the love of life I'd be only too glad to saunter along and enjoy the beauties of nature -- THE OGDEN In Czechoslovakia a girl named Zdenka Koubkova changed her sex and is now working as a man under the name of Mister Zdenek Koubek Later on when Mister Koubek gets married and his wife has a crying spell saying "You do not under stand me" he can reply "Oh yes I do I was once a girlmyself The other" day I left the Lambs rlub and took a friend's hat by mis- When I got home I found a f)ake -message to return it to him by Western Union messenger boy called the boy and gave him in structions When the messenger arrived at the Lambs he informed my friend that he had lost the hat on the way Within an hour I received a visit from a Mister Collins who handles such" matters for the telegraph company He gave me a check for the price of the hat and requested me to give it to the owner with the company's profuse apologies I was impressed with Mr Collin's unruffled composure and asked him if he had to handle many such cases "Oh yes" he said "This is simple compared to some of the problems' we encounter in our mes senger service jT "For instance?' I asked 'SS "Just recently we ran up against a sticker" he said "A woman call ed up from Park avenue and asked us to send her a fourth for a rub ber of bridge Fortunately one of the clerks in the office was a bridge enthusiast so we sent him up The cents an hour fee was seventy-fiv- e "Was the clerk pleased with the assignment?" I asked "Oh sure He won four dollars" - OS 0® tmtr by Charles B DriscoII Ills next operations against the English were in a war however War broke out In 1755 and Thurot took command of a corsair vessel He was so successful that the King of France became jealous of the merchant owners of the corsair and himself supplied a corvette of which Thurot was made cap- sea-fight- er ! Francois Thurot was educated for the practice It is difficult to say how much his cousin exaggerates the extent of this education but If he stays anywhere near the truth young Thurot was very well prepared for his profession It is quite evident that the young man was an impetuous hothead seeking adventure and enjoying fights He stole some silver plate and sold it probably to get funds for some wild escapade although his biographer indicates that this innocent little theft was for the purpose of providing pin money for the young man's dear mother Shortly after being discovered as a pilferer young Thurot disappeared from his home town He walked to Dunkirk and shipped aboard a corsair as taken by the English ship's surgeon" The ship was I in August 1744 HELD PRISONER The young man was held prisoner in and about Dover but was allowed a great deal of liberty Prisoners of war in those days! were often treated more humanely than most prisoners were treated during the most recent big war Thurot had the freedom of the city for the practice of medicine although he was supposed to be under guard One night the homesick "prisoner" stole a row-bo' and set out for France He rowed until he was exhausted Then he made a sail of his shirt and between rowing and sailing made progress Now this is one of the specific points In the enthusiastic cousin's story which I take the liberty of doubting A shirt isn't any good for a sail Furthermore in order to rig a sail in a rowboat one needs tools and spars which are not likely to be found in a rowboat one happens to jump into at the waterside I doubt the shirt -- sail tale but I give it to you for what it is woj-tCROSSES CHANNEL However he managed it! young Thurot did make his way across the channel! He landed at Calais and to whom presented himself to Marshal de Bellse-Isl- e he told his story of adventure without abating any of the heroics of it The marshal advised him to prepare himself for a useful sea career by learning navigation He had just navigated a rowboat from Dover to Calais but he had done it without any instruments so the marshal didn't count it as naviI gating You may remember that after Charles Lindbergh came back to America froha his flight to France the United States government assigned an officer to the job of teaching the young man navigation Lindbergh didn't know a thing about navigating AH he knew was just how to $tart off from Roosevelt Field Long Island for Le Bourget Field Paris which he "had never seen and put-hiwheels right on the spot aimed for despite storms and fogs that baffled the best of navigators! The young man had to be taught'how to navigate after he returned because the scientific crowd just couldn't stand if to see him acting so unscientifically So with Thurot The young doctor studied theory for a few weeks and then got a job as cabih boy aboard a corsair vessel Within two years he was captain He made two successful corsair voyages taking several valu- - j ( pro-Engli- am:- - j j! rV":ViiVvtV" at l Prom London comes the cheerful that dinner jackets and tailcoats will be of midnight blue and raven blue this season- - This is something to look forward to for those who will rent them next season news Al Jolson has been elected mayor of Encino California Let us hope this is the beginning of a successful political career that will eventually land Al- - in Washington Al's of expression will go Qoisy method way towards keeping his fellow congressmen awake I see where Primo Camera has been called for service with his special mountain artillery unit Now It looks as though Mussolini has a good chance of stamping out the Ethiopian menace with the help of i You read books telling how much 'science has taught us Man knows most fascinating that a "light year" Is 'six trillion miles (6000000000000) and the new h telescope lens wiU take man's sight into of those light years Do the multispace i 200-inc- 900-millio- ns plication sum for yourself that the atom is an inconceivably small solar system with a central proton like our sun the electrons revolving around it as planets revolve around our sun Electrons go around their little sun some three or four trillions of times in one second whereas our earth takes 365 days to go around the sun which Is earth's "proton" Earth may be only one electron in a super atom Sometimes an atomic electron jumps out of Its orbit to a higher orbit and stays as much as the one hundred millionth part of a second Time counts in those small dimensions We possess differential calculus thanks to Newton and a newer kind of geometry that puts Euclid out of fashion proving that a straight line Is not the shortest distance between two points and other i queer things We are able to bombard the atom and may extract-power from ik If we do that good-by- e Standard Oil A teaspoonful of atoms would drive the biggest ship across the ocean Scientists examine the human brain and find it contains twelve thousand million separate cells while thirty thousand million cells make the red blood stream Men know how to kill each other with poison gas with bombs planes submarines machine guns chemical poisons They understand the endocrine glands mysterious "ductless mechanisms that rule the human body its blood supplies heat energy jj I 3 sinking His ship and cargo were confiscated able prizes and then went into merchant shipping in order to acquire respectability VESSEL IN PORT He spent most of his time in the merchant service studying the harbors and coasts of the British Isles While his vessel was in an English port loading cargo Dr Thurot was making charts and plans and sketches He didn't intend to stay in the merchant service the rest of his life Having accumulated a fine collection of "charts and data Captain Thurot went into the business of smuggling contraband into British ports This was much more profitable than honest trading It ' was not looked upon by most Britishers very severely either since it often cheapened the retail prices of goods that were protected by high tariffs A smuggler to British ports was regarded by Englishmen as rum runners are regarded f about or wanted the Those who by Americans profited smuggled goods approved while those who had no use for the goods or made no profit out of the business disapproved CAUGHT BY BRITISH Eventually Captain Thurot was caught by British revenue officers His ship and cargo was confiscated according to law This annoyed the adventurous Frenchman who sued in the English courts and lost his suit His admiring cousin justified all of Thurot's subsequent operations against British Shipping on the ground that the proud captain was offended by such conduct on the part of the British and swore an implacable oath of revenge against them He had lost in the smuggling game He would win back his losses as a corsair As a pirate if you will high-hand- ed ? by Arthur Brisbane bureau the farmer reading winter weather by examining the breast bone of a goose seem almost equally foolish What really controls our weather is that annual transfer from north to south and back againof ten tons of million million (10000000000000) air We know that things happen yet cannot imagine why they happen Why for instance among all the millions of universes surrounding our universe or "Milky Way" the most distant appears to be running away from us "at the almost incredible speed of 24000 miles a second" Scientists tell us "the universe Is expanding space is increasing In size doubling its radius every five thousand million years" Also that as you go farther into space the universes of which are are endless billions seem to be scattered about less plentifully We cannot believe that the Power back of this universe would select our tiny planet r with its sun a million times smaller than other suns near by as the only residence of thinking beings In all the universe Yet science finds no reason to believe that of all the endless billions of planets in space any but our own had thinking beings upon It or could sustain conscious life That would seem a small result for a universe as big as this one You know that occasionally some big sun is by another and then the power of gravitation pulls loose from one sun material that forms its planets This happens science says once in about side-swip- ed five thousand million years and about as often as that there Is a chance of some sun striking ours and wiping us all out It's a long chance and anyhow nobody would know it Mountains have always interested and impressed Confer ©in iid men The Greek gods lived on one Olympus Moses brought down the tables of the law from another the Ark landed on a third Ararat and on the Brock-e- n in Germany Satan and his imps with witches and some queer Venuses used to meet and dknee aimlessly Yet we know little about mountains except that Everest the highest of them in proportion to the earth's size Is no higher than the roughness on the skin of an orange We do know that mountains rise and fall sea shells found on mountain tops were pushed up from ocean depths Fundamentalists explained that by saying someone had been picknlcklng and dropped oys- j ij i ter shells Nature has pushed up the whole range of the Rockies from nothing a task beyond human imagin" ation Men can only guess how it was done But they have every reason to suppose that in time those mountains may sink down again The great City of London for instance is sinking slowly and has been sinking for ten thousand years Fortunately f or the British empire which keeps its brains in London that city sinks only nine inches in a hundred years Late Stone Age inhabitants of the British Islands lived on land now 60 to 70 feet below the surface of the English channel The Japanese assert that catfish kept in tanks know in advance when an earthquake is coming and show anxiety Similarly white mice kept in the big war trenches warned soldiers of the 'approach of deadly poison gas chattering in terror and accord- ing to a missionary killed while examining an apparently dead Italian bomb Ethiopian dogs know that Italian planes are coming long before Ethiopian tribesmen know it and rush howling from the villages the tribesmen running after them Poir Tenant IFarrsneirs ' fole " Discontinued Irish Free State ar l! tea-spoons- ful X-ra- ys Einstein But few wlll'ever feel really Intimate with Max Planck's "quantum' although Professor Einstein says it is of childlike simplicity showing how varibus "waves" light heat Xrray etc proceed on theif way only In regular packets or packages Hke sugar or sauerkraut not in a continuous stream like water You get so many packages actual pounds of sunlight After taming elephants killing wolves eliminating Tbisons abolishing sea cows and almost getting rid of whales it is humiliiatlng for man to realize that his chief job is to control the invisible microbe resist the menacing insects and measure "atoms Un their positions "to within a million millionth of an r ng k v y- 4 f MAN-O-WA- R -- J -- If ')'' j ! ed a distinguished member From Soon after this unfortunate battle Thurot lost of the American bar: "I saw your his next best ship in a storm But the Belle-Isl- e article about shyster lawwas repaired and made seaworthy and the daunt- Sunday yers and It was quite temperate less corsair was again at sea hunting for prey Sail- I should say that in the very large ing under the Dutch flag he put into port In the cities 75 per cent of the represenShetland islands and was given succor by the English tatives of my profession have disinhabitants after a storm honored it and are no longer moralThen he went out flying the English flag Meet- ly fit to practice The fault as you Thurot sailed close to say lies with the various bar assoing an English man-of-wher To salute the English flag properly the frigate ciations Their laxity is responsible manned the rigging with sixty cheering sailors As for the triumph of the gangster the two vessels passed broadside on Thurot sudden- A vigorous stand and disbarments ly pulled down his English flag and let go with j all would offer a needed purge Disraeli his guns at short pistol range The frigate was al- said: A crooked barrister is doubly most destroyed and the cheering sailors were most- damned for his entire training has been to uphold honor and ly killed The frigate was captured " which Warunder This exploit modern rules of fare we would not consider very gallant always reThe recent and widely discussed mained one of the chief glories in the crown of this of little Shirley Temple precocity sea hero of the seems was pipe-line- d it She rose 1936 B Charles DriscoII) (Copyright to her timid feet at a! Will Rogers Memorial luncheon and in a childish quaver said: "I too loved Mr : Rogers" That was all but enough 9' to bring a choke to 1 every throa t and a tear to every eye A correspondent to Rob Wagner's reveals that before the child stood up Ir-v- in Cobb had been coaching her quite audibly to those: around Even dogs mice and catfish sometimes know I read In an account of Napomore than human beings leon's flight from Moscow in 4812 when every manner of escape seemed cut off that his aide General After admiring all the accomplishments of and its wonders it shocks us to be told that de Caulaincourt observed wryly: "If to our descendants we shall appear about as our we only had a balloon to carry us ancestors appear to us and far from being to Paris" The improbability of such ape-lik- e marvels of knowledge we shall be classed in the a thing seemed so comic that detheir worries both chuckled A futire as palaeonanthorpidae from Greek two words spite and a quarter later they century "low translated which mean "old" and "man" freely are every hour from Moscow flying brow" to a few hours Paris in We know that when we are born we must come we we die from somewhere and suppose that when It seems agreed among go somewhere but nobody apart from the teachi- the society generally chit-cha- t) writers that or about that anyknows faith of ng:! anything ' most beautiful socialite is Mrs the thing about life itself Janet A 'Ryan a Stall willowy Professor I S Haldane able British biologist be- blonde whose" eyes some impassionlieves that life will never be understood and while ed scribbler likened o "two never is a long word we may be kept in ignorance of Mediterranean" the order that we may be kept Interested purposely inhorn-toaa trial separation She is indulging a he is d does not know that If the A Ryan and from the rich Allan horned toad how can man know what he Is? Is everywhere the people who matter socially gather with William As for the average man his pitiful ignorance Rhineland Steward Steward is would fill thick books Everybody knows some- Vincent Astor's r closest friend and thing about the atom its proton and electrons But practically lives in evening clothes few understand the neutron positron and deutron that science has injected into the atom to make it The great lover the tall and more complicated handsome Count Salm who marHow many can even try to explain to themselves ried the rich Millicent Rogers aftr and waves of wireless er a dashing courtship is getting the fact that sunlight a second are all edgy about the guardianship of a miles 186000 all traveling about $9000000 fortune the j late H H three produced the same way Some of us know more or think we do after we Rogers left the 11 - year - bid heir Salm nuptials $300-00have read the German scientist Max Planck and of the- - Salm-Roge- rs 0 to is received have admired Professor reputed by his f'Quantum theory" greatly not-knowi- iS MEETS 1 After centuries of agnosticism we are not so" Camera's feet sure that the great scientist Laplace was right when (Copyright 1935 by the McNaught he told Napoleon that he had no need of the hypothesis of a Creator Je n'al pas besoin de decette hy-p- o Syndicate Inc) — these Laplace was sure that he could explain all the wonders of the universe without any "hypothetical Is God" Modern science further advanced is not so I sure inch" Mr Haslett's book recommended here tefls some By of the things that science does not know while not Man's ignorance may be abysmal a Grand canthe to some us remind of but fortunately we acquire at temptation things yon Of BELFAST— The Irish Free State resisting we do know that we need most First we learnfirst! that knowledge Is discontinuing' unemployment as— I 1 1 I to each other kill ed in a crude way That got fid as resistance far as possible and thinks Man but does most how not he thinks know unfit and we have been human of samples It a with of placing plan regular He understands without he all how For that up scientifically knowing keeping This announcement employment AH We are learning to cultivate the earth to prowas made by Senator T V Honan knows he may be like any other receiving station duce all that we need in superfluous quantities preat Ennis '"Instead of chucking the taking in information from the outside universe f V He has his little weather bureaus stretching from ip:v paring comfortable life for a higher race when tit money away in 'doles and letting comes it go like froth in the river con- - Alaska to Key West to tell: him how the wind Is y That we shall ever answer the really important structive and reproductive work will blowing where rain is falling and temperature gobe done with the state money in the ing up or down whence and why we came here and whithquestions But "every year between the months of January Before the dust of the demolished AAA had settled discussions were under way at the White House for re- er we shall go seems improbable although the disfuture" Ji jutM vision of the Bankhead-Jone- s farm tenant legislation which would provide tenant farmers with loans for tance in knowledge that men have traveled" in the and July the Northern Hemisphere sends ten million million tons of air down to the other side of the purchase of land Pictured at the White House are left to right Senator John H Bankhead of Ala- past1 12000 years should justify optimism The sturgeon is known as the the Equator And between July and January the bama W L Myers farm credit administrator Representative Marvin Jones of Texas W W Alexander The Greek agnostics said "We affirm nothing not yal fish because since the time Southern Hemisphere sends back to the Northern assistant director of resettlement administration and Lee Pressman general counsel of the resettlement even that we affirm nothing" bureau of King Edward II the reigning Hemisphere ten million million tons of air" Modern scientists might take for their motto "We You know that air has its definite weight the king of England may claim any is possible" deny nothing since everything same as lead or iron The scientist with bis weather sturgeon' caught — ARTHUR BRISBANE -- blue-blous- j No an us fore-topsa- - BOOK worth reading is "Unsolved Problems of Science" by A W Haslett published by Mac-mill- self-conscio- '' h M sh ! i Man knows tl -- of medicine -- Peelings ex-iploi- ted DISPUTE It is unfortunately necessary to take most of my story from Merchant Thurot's account but I shall try to indicate wherein the story leemi to fall somewhat short of the strictest truth The main facts of the corsair's life are beyond dispute A Aid Mental By O O McINTYRE SAVIOR OF FRANCE After sensational successes at sea Thurot began to look upon himself as the Savior of France He conceived a grand plan for the utter destruction of Perhaps someone has lal the idea That a the English town and harbor of Portsmouth There week! I believe were Important dockyards in the town The destruc- Better Dress be more effective in tion of such a port would be taken as a matter of nothing would us out mlas- chirking course in these days of civilized warfare but in mi than for theof the mental on a tu nation gg measure a 1755 there was strong opposition to such ' sartorial binge ambng the military and naval men of France It I dont mean a new! suit new was considered that such an act would be an atroc- overcoat or a hat For it to be sucity not justifiable on the grounds of military and cessful everybody should shoot naval expediency works There ianV a man I Thurot went ashore and lobbied at Court for his the know who hasn't let his wardrobe to He offered plan which was dear to his heart slide the past few years do the job himself He would slip into the harbor Of course few have the spon-dul- ix with two small barks on a dark night His map once had but they could they and plane were complete Before daylight he woulcl let taxes awhile end go delinquent have Portsmouth source of many of England's ships indulge a splurge that would not in ashes freshen them mentally bu He succeeded in winning the minister of the navy only toss a nice bundle of currency into to his side and the plans were approved But under- circulation lings In the ministry either from humanitarian or The effect of motives notified the authorities at Ports- dreeing psychological is no longer a matter up mouth and the venture failed of experiment The benefit to the STILL POWERFUL dispirited has been proved time Marshal Belle-Isl- e still powerful in French nav- after time Thousands have been al affairs did not permit his young friend to suffer going' about & bit tacky because because of his failure to perform as expected fat they wanted to see just which way Portsmouth He obtained for him command of five the wind was blowing MUST HAVE 'FLING small vessels for harassing English commerce Thurknow any more now We don't ot sailed from Saint Malo with his fleet July ' 12 a than ago and we are not to year 1757 and presently was chased shelter by three to know very much more likely When the warships had great English warships election If we have to until after a took merchantout sailed and Thurot departed to and back go man loaded with coffee and sugar primeval oo&e rags our will we have had fling and Next day Thurot ran afoul a British frigate that's something was the' Southampton and a bloody battle fought man who has had his eye lasting nearly all day Only one of the corsairs was onThe a tie ought to walk right engaged Both combatants were so badly used up in andnifty a half dozen and evbuy that they were nearly sinking when the Englishelse in proportion from erything man turned away and limped back to port to hat Somefours The French corsair fleet after making five or plus too shoulda top revive the walkbody sixl captures was caught in a storm that dismasted to feel stick People began one of the vessels and severely mauled the others ing them carrying But Thurot as soon as the storm had abated (crept The cane was never a symbol of out upon the channel to look for prey He met three wealth Some of the worst broke English frigates which nearly finished the work men I've ever known and that inof the storm severely damaging the corsairs cludes myself carried canes Just STARTS A RETREAT because it was a pleasant little One of the French vessels was obliged to strike ringle-ding- le a gesture that" someheri flag and Thurot in his flagship the Belle-Isl- e how ballooned our self -- respect and il started a retreat for the French coast But his certainly did no harm yard broke under stress of wind and shot Just a week of up may and while he was repairing it the biggest of the help us to recapturetogging our lost stride English line-o- f -- battle ships came alongside and start- and make us feel we are not headed iraking the corsair with broadsides The Belle-Isl- el ed for wooden shoes and the lost her topmasts and most of her sails habiliments of peasant RusUnder withering fire Thurot's men managed to sia after all Certainly the bright rig several sails using the stump of the mainmast boys have been giving us that imand the mizzenyard to i?atch up a jury mast and pression for quite a spell a bowsprit With these sails and the aid of a towing LETS DOLL UP boat sent from one of the other vessels Thurot manLet's doll up like Mrs Astor's was in plush horse We might fool them I aged to escape into a horbor The Belle-Isl- e a condition BEYOND ft ay cjress Is Urged ¥:o tain : The extent of greatness seems to depend largely on what you don't do Greta Garbo retains her place at the top of the movie heap by refusing to do the usual things required of topnotch stars Lindbergh becomes greater than rver by not staying in America And Smith is catapulted right back into the spotlight by declining an Invitation to the Whtie House - There must be something wrong Fre tried not doing a lot of things and I'm still waiting for greatness to be thrust upon me DuDSuD SuTOys VjHM - 1 J ter 27 R On© THUROT wai j surgeon who went eut FRANCIS as a corsair in the latter part of the Some of the more important facta century eighteenth concerning this remarkably freebooter's career are properly recorded in the Archives of France But the truth alone was not a good enough record to suit some of the ambitious relatives of Thurot and they have been responsible for weaving Incredible tales about the heroic figure''-'- of this medical ! pirate After the corsair's death his cousin Gulllaume Thurot a merchant of Nuits France wrote a glowing flowery biography of the late lamented About the time of the preparation of this account the dossier containing all the official records relating to Thurot possessed by the French naval records office disappeared and has never been returned I suspect that the boastful cousin got the records and thought beat to keep or destroy them since the biography he published sounded much bet- STANDARD-EXAMINE- h i to continue his tennis playin ing Europe after the divorce Now he wants to have a say in how his son's money will be disbursed We hope the court give him the gate !'! A great and deserved huzzah has gone up for "Viva Mexico" by C M Handrau as though there had been an accidental discovery of an Important book after a lapse of years No other volume indeed so reveals by the sheer fascination of writing the cowling background and humdrum lives of a rather drab people However In this eoJumn nine years ago there was e hearty hail for the treasure It followed the gift of the book from Major Raymond Dickson after a visit to his ranch in Mexico This was said : "Viva Mexico is one of the books that should be on the legendary list of every one setting off for a deserted island Nothing like it has been written before nor Is likely to be written again It stands alone" So there! (Copyright 1936 McNaught Syndi- - cate) 1 snake shams death The hog-nosscene and then a death by faking rolling over on its back If it is turned over on its stomach it quickly turns on its back again ed 1 |