Show A MODEL CHAPTER historians are ara plentiful nowadays now a days every penny a liner who happens liap pens to fire off a literary squib which by accident makes a hit imagines himself a genius and thereupon writes a bistor Hi history stor of somebody napoleon ila iia has beell been used up we haa hava had elaborate essays upon his cravat besides long arguments concerning the height of his boots and the tile amount of dust gathered upon them As for the heroes of political pol poli Vical ical campaigns the tho name of their blog biographers raphers is is legion au and d in reference to revolutionary heroes one ono would im imagine agine that ery every man mah woman and child born du tile tiie days das of 76 il were benaud men and women nomen and children of unexampled great greatness ness genius gemus and patriotism the like ilke of whom the world has never liever before nor since belfeld beli bell eld eid in compassion to the literary dashers eipl rip of famous men and in ill consideration of orthe tile paucity of brains possessed by most of them hem we submit the following chapter as a model whereby they can manufacture a biography Io graphy him in a style calculated to arouse the sympathies of the public as well as to relieve the author of a great deal of statistical labor accuracy is is not necessary inar inasmuch as facts are most generally little better better belter than dry indigestible crusts in the literary puddings so popular in these times we commend the sample to tile the literati of our country who are so anxious to follow in the illustrious footsteps of washington 9 ton Irvin irvng ft the chapter here present presented edwill will answer as the introductory to the history of any great gleat man by merely changing the names THE BIOGRAPHY OF C COLUMBUS esq by py BARON GROTESQUE fellow of the royal sub marine college of antediluvian fossils alem alam member of the imperial society of president of the F french Ic ademy of twaddle Tu addie addle and traveling cot cor correspondent of the an and K institute of russia the middle ages aged are a sort burt of ox yoke holding inc ing together those refractory steers which nn an astute sage age has denominated ancient and modern modem and which bethig be ing thus fastened in bonds of amity are compelled to pull oil on forever or duang tile the existence of the world that great lumbering vehicle history upon which time with his gad of fate rate is ig mounted tile the middle ages are but inida middling ling affair fit t any any rate and owe their present notoriety it m a great measure to the exploits of C columbus gent and to the frequent highway robberies pinch winch A aich were committed by tile tilo crusaders cyns Cyus aders those fellows who went tearing through europe with ornamental skillets sk illets oil on their heads and stove plates platea about their bodies they were called knights probably because their deeds were generally of a dark nature E each ch one of these knights had a justice of the peace or squire willi him and thus ho matter what Of faliCe lie he committed he lie invariably had llad law oil on his ins elde eide C columbus or as he lie is is familiarly called by aie the eminent historian professor jem bags christopher columbus wak was was not a knight errant nor a night owl nor was lie allied in in any manner to the tile doy dey of algiers although there thera was a day of rejoin in gathia birtle by profession jie lie helas was a gentleman at large until in in his old oid age lie Ie became carne a gentleman in prison hut fiut still having an eye to profit and a due regard for the laws ol 01 the prophets prop liets he lie pursued the very honorable occupation of a turner cf wood and ivory lie he had a pupil at one time who became sa so proficient in in the trade that he be turned himself ineide out in fael columbus Golumbus was a gentleman because lie he help it a turner by trade and a genoese navigator by choice concerning the tile childhood of this extraordinary man the middle ages are silent history is is mum cheref therefore ore his story in that respect is is short like the mail man who is is abw aiwas ys borrowing a five which winch lie never returns of one fact wo we are positive his amiblo arni aini able abie maternal progenitor did not die till sometime subsequent to her marriage both noth 0 ins his parents were weye poor but honest and consequently never acquired much property properly the only proper tle tie they thay had to life being their sou son christopher the first syllable sellable of their sons name was given to him out ol 01 respect to their thel i religion and the other two avi 0 syllables copher to pher or toper in honor of a family fol fail in I 1 mg g the father was a druggist in his earlier years ears but his scruples interfering with mith his drams adrams lie abandoned tile the went into the mortar trade genoa claims the honor lionor of being the tile birthplace birth place placa of C columbus a city whose honors in in other respects have been notoriously 11 eay easy the first ideas of navigation which ac C 6 possessed possessed were derived from experiments made in hi sailing chips emps in in a wash tub and while fishing at the sea beach for freshwater trout the latter being caught with a hook book or in fit other words over orbr the left leki As C C grew older lie he became more venturesome and began to think that the study of favl navigation really had bad something in in it especially figures he began at this era in in his career to take lessons from a noted pugilist and swon soon learned to box file hie compass he also about this time lime discovered that the four points of the compass were wera not cardinals he progressed so fast that lie was enabled to instantly tell his companions which way the wind blew even when it blow at all the great maritime feature in in discussion among the middie middle and of all classes in the middle ages was H as that of an easier passage to india the india trade was in a prohibitory state vide the maine mains law and genoa was likely to suiter suffer material dam damage age if not rot getting discharged of or its mercantile mer cantila commodities Ver a nobleman of rank very rank in in odor sil sti suggested going round bj si st beri ber in aon account of the excellent beer found there from which it took its name others others distinguished savans philosophers navigators and experienced geographers gave it as their opinion that t there here could exist no shorter sli sil orter route to india an opinion which columbus put tom to rout instanter in by performing his led ieA renowned owned e egg tick a trick the solution of which even to this th day is a mystery to the great mass of the people said the illustrious navigator holding up an egg of af the goose pattern gentlemen you will perceive that in my right lund iund hund land I 1 hold a large egg which has ast pst been laid upon this tilis table by in my servant now I 1 will t take tike this egg a nd at ule hie first firs t trial triai I 1 ivill make it stand but previous ious ioui to performing this feat I 1 will allow each one of you to attempt doing it but dont crack the you will spoil tile tiie joke tile the savans savalis present took the egg and at that time the name of salvatori salva Selva tori torl became immortal for it was he who amid the intense silence of the scene seene uttered the memorable question was this egg boiled in the goose or after wards 5 none of the tho great men present could either answer the question or make the egg up the illustrious navigator and future discoverer of America and the tile ingratitude of 1 the egg ill in his lais hand continued Gent gentlemen limen I 1 assure you this egg is not boiled you have all failed to make mike it stand on end yet the trick is much more simple than that of thimble rigging see ho how readily I 1 do it and nd as he spoke he broke the egg and lo 10 behold I 1 upright it stood I 1 oh ejaculated those around him annb anybody ody cid banoo 0 aliat that now columbus smiled calm lyas was his wont when pleased pl i eased and applying aply Dg his eminent thumb to his preeminent pre eminent nasal organ and gyrating his fingers ba backwards c awards and forwards two or three times passed slowly Z aly out leaving the genoese philosophers to ponder onder upon the miraculous egg sample which lie he had ia diven given them i beings an inge ingenious filous turn of mind C columbus golumbus procured a pumpkin one day and fastening it to one end of a gand to the other end attaching a gourd full of water lie hung the line at the end of his in mothers others clotheshorse clothes horse livorse the gourd lourd of water being the heaviest it pulled the pu pumpkin apkin which to him represented the world up by D y this simple experiment this magin incent genius w was enabled to establish the fact that thera there mut must b be e att ati more ireland oreland land somewhere i re to balance balanca the imme immense ris its e quantity of ocean and sea which was represented upon the maps and being filled with the gra grandeur of this idea he lie at once emptied the gourd and set about establishing estabi isbills the truthfulness of his position beyond a doubt westward this his unknown quantity of free soil must be and he was determined determine cl that his next voyage should ba be to the westward a rd he was further farther convinced that there was a large tract traci of uninhabited country in that direction by bye the fact that on several occasions pieces e s dfwar clubs and junk bottles portions of sea biscuit and branches of trees had bad been bean washed ashore near genoa he resolved to get some influential house to go snacks and to furnish him with a rv vessel essel fully armed and equipped and allow ili him to sail westward and to lo continue sailing westward until he discovered land or never came back again the brilliant scheme of future profit dazzled the eyes and be wildred the imaginations of many to whom he applied but produced no visible effe essect effect et upon their pocketbooks pocket books ana and a few of those envious enemies of progress began to whisper innuendoes regarding the propriety of administering to colu cola columbus ambus a dose of straight lacket jacket seasoned with bread and water with a shaved head and shower bath accompaniments philadelphia dispatch |