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Show Orjimoii MNlE AOUf.5QElCE SC1EMCE rWTAGE nOMTAGE tne f From straight to gy and othertales ofhorror The queen provides a solution to the heterosexual problem Staff, Spring 2010 Harry Cross Jr. Staff Writers: Laurel McLane Editor: Krista Smith Business Manager: Contributing Writer "LI David Patterson I Jenni Stokes I This bitch is pissed. V .si Eric Nielsen Contributing Writers: Walter Dennison Production Manager: Kendra Black science figures it out, youre all gone. Well maybe Ill keep a few of you around, but the rest of you will be done fore. I recendy attended a social gathering at a friends house. Lets just call it a party. After about a bottle and a half of wine, I found myself chatting with a delicious young male specimen. Regardless . of how aggressively I drooled over him, he still managed to make it known to me how much he fancied a young female specimen in the room. Perhaps my saliva motivated him. If there had been a cliff nearby, I would have pushed him off. Harry Cross Jr. Jennifer Advisor: Kim Zarkin Soto-Allr- ed .. WW' Feli Anne Hipol Lindsay Kavanagh The Forum is published every other Tuesday. Its circulation is 1,000 newspapers. The first copy is free of charge; additional copies may be purchased for 50 cents. We encourage students, all faculty, staff and other readers to provide feedback. letters to Krista Smith at forumeditor(westminstercollege. edu. Only signed letters will be accepted. The Forum reserves the right to edit all submissions. Views expressed are those of the writers and are not to be considered those of The Forum, the faculty, staff or administration. RW FLECKS E-m- ail THE VatxEkS fJWf IN ffOK OCTHn5 CKfV, Uv DEIBttlNED THERES KEfTHEK BPRiUh NO? BEISSAQEJ V 1 I used to be straight, you know. Thirteen years ago when I PRCGftBUf. was in seventh grade I fancied a girl. The experience is enough to drive someone into the closet. I once got a cute note in my locker. The is were dotted with litde hearts. It was sweet. Then something strange Courtesy of XKCD happened. Letter' in hand, I seemed to draw the attention of fellow male students who would have otherwise ignored me. They all wanted to see the letter. The parcel of paper got passed around from boy to boy all laughing and smirking. Along came the girl who wrote it. Well the girl, I thought had written it. She was given the letter, her eyes scanning the words. Upon finishing it her reaction of near vomiting made it clear to me: she didnt write the letter. Judy Garland was calling me from her grave she had just turned in. It was time to go. the recipe in his wallet for years. I couldnt resist the I doubt that experience had much effect on me becoming homosexual. competition. Though I may still be just as gullible, things have We should have a throw down. changed. I dont get letters anymore, but Im sure Ive been So like Bobby Flay meets the best cooks across stooped a time or several since that day in seventh grade. America to determine who makes the best grilled Meh... Whatever. My mother always used to say, Life is cheese, mashed potatoes or apple pie. I took on the rough and then you die. Couldnt be more true, step-moDealing with breeders has been a constant struggle for I would Five months ago, it was a joke to think that me over the years. They are so thick-skulle- d. I recently had lives who have a meadoaf taste test with a woman ever to explain the difference between myself and other gheys thousands of miles away in New York. Now shes to a naive young straight man. You see, there are classes coming here. among the homosexual culture. At the bottom are the young, forward father told he is me looking My boyfriends brainless, useless, twinky, bimbo gheys. Next are the middle ll, to comparing my meatloaf to his wifes when they aged, balding, pathetically depressed and jaded come to visit. Their plane is scheduled to take off in gheys. Finally theres me. less than two weeks. Im what you might call an executive gay. Im a cold, Im considering changes to improve my recipe. Im heartless, unfeeling, insensitive bitch that would sooner castrate the world than watch as more useless beings continue searching the Salt Lake Valley for the best ingredients. Im weighing the importance of finding an actual to. consume my oxygen. (I think this is synonymous with the butcher shop, And it doesnt stop there. My ire over having my meadoaf challenged, led to me mentioning the debacle at work one day And now my supervisor wants to join the cooks in the j jam hands. Why do they always have jam hands?! kitchen. Cristy claims her meadoaf with breadcrumbs I Lately seem to have done well among the heterosexual j male (a big no in my recipe), is succulent. population. Ask any of them and youll find out how j cool they think I am. If I got money each time I heard Enough is enough. Its time to declare a winner. Boyfriend, Cristy, I challenge you to a meadoaf Harry, if I were gay, youd be the one, my school would be 1 12 from throw down on Friday, April 24 p.m. to paid for through two doctoral degrees. The last person who Converse. said that was summarily guillotined and their head placed on Li meatloaf is on. it a pike for all to see. ready. My Bring guess it is unfair of me to be so judgmental in this article, and not offer any direction or solution. Here goes... To those of you who fit any of the descriptions afore mentioned, BURN IN HELL! O Comfort food challenge When three meatloafs meat who will win? Krista Smith Editor My boyfriend and I have a argument. The meadoaf war. Thats right, meatloaf. This is an intense debate. Its gotten to the point where friends, parents and j involved are j and expressing opinions, Most just want to eat more j meadoaf. It all started when I made him an comfort dinner complete with meadoaf and mashed potatoes. My passion for cooking was out to get the best of me that night. He took one look at the browned loaf of wonder is better. and said, My step-moNo, its not, I said. I proceeded to defend my family recipe. Its only as old as last years issue of Food 6c Wine magazine, but since my sister gave me a copy of the . recipe it became family. is wonderful combination a meadoaf of fatty My meats, spices, sauces and veggies. My meadoaf is pure deliciousness. A specialty! The height of American comfort food! And the first time I make dinner for my boyfriend, er is -hJias the audacity to tell me his better? . y tomato-rich a He described her meadoaf childhood his favorite football of meat that was meal. After eating my meadoaf, he went on to say, is to die for. He Yours is good, but my step-moclaims to love her meadoaf so much that he carried long-standi- ng co-work- ers ms step-moth- ms ii tu l a VOLUME XLIII: ISSUE 15 T Listen here. The only reason you straight people are still around is so you can bring more gay people into the world. As soon as medical m. , , ; ! over-the-hi- , , , ; : ; n j Jfafa iWh t 'SimM |