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Show TMR. DOOLEY ON FUNERALS. A KENTUCKY CASE. Occasion in City Boy. Life, According to Humorist. 1 cl88sed Whin I was a little boy joyous I, iv me funrals among th greatest a ride in a me give They iv town that Id parts through hatk an out into th niver seen befure I niver wint except where counthr a funra). an I had I as Invited to an something to eat company jovjal I got at home. different fr'm what I on how felt whin I was back Lookin' that anny disremember hid I cant himsilf made unpopular relation tant I with us by dyin. Even if wasnt let there was something go to a fun'ral th exciting about it. It stirred up was There something neighborhood. to talk about. Ivrybody asked: 'Did if th poor he leave annything? as ,nan was a burglar or a fire. People an dusted got out their good clothes off their high hats. On th day iv th fun'ral all th childher Iv th neighborhood gathered around th house an envied their little playmates that had F. P. th luck to lose a fond parent. Dunne, in American Magazine. ITCHING HUMOR. BAD the Knees Were Raw-F- eet Swollen Sleep Broken Cured in 2 Days by Cuticura. Limbs Below Some two months ago I had a humor break out on my limbs below my knees. They came to look like raw beefsteak, ail red, and no one knows how they itched and burned. They veie so swollen that I could not get my shoes on for a week or more. I used five or six different remedies and got no help, only when applying tnem the Durniug was worse and the itching less Ior two or three weeks the suffering was Intense and during that time l did not sleep an hour at a time. Then one morning I tried a bit of Cuticura. From the moment it touched me the itching was gone and I have not lelt a bit of it since. The swelling went clown and in two days I had my shoes on and was about as usual. George B. Farley, 50 South State St, Concord, N. H., May 14, 1907. LEAP YEAR, AGAIN. Heavy Lady Algy, for four years I have waited for this chance. Be mine, and have all the comforts of a home. There Is more Catarrh In thlR section of the conntrj than a!i other diseases put together, and until the last few years was supposed to be Incurable. For a great many years doctors pronounced it a lot al disease and preat iltied local remedies, and by constantly falllug toeure with local treatment, prouounced Itlnrurable. Sclent e has pro; en Catarrh to be a constitutional disease and therefore requires constitutional treatment. Hall a ( atarrh Cure, manufactured by F. J.Cbeney A Co , T !edo, Ohio, Is the only Constitutional cure on the market. It Is taken Internally In doses from 10 drops to a teaspoonful. It acts directly on the blood and mucous surfaces of the system. They offer one bundled dollars for any case It falls to cure. Send for circulars and testimonials. Address: F. J. CHP SKY & CO., Toledo, Ohio. Sold by Druggists, 7'c. Take Hairs Family Pills for constipation. Wore Out Bobbys Patiepce. Bobby was on a visit to his uncle, good old orthodox deacon, in the country. The two were the best of friends, and Bobby always sat at the deacon's right hand at table. At dinner that day grace was long, was very hungry. Finally, in the midst of it his patience gave out; he pounded on the table with his little fist. "Amen, now, Unde Horace! Amen! Important to Mothers. Examine carefully every bottle of CASTORIA a safe and sure remedy for infants and children, and see that it Bears the Signature In Use For Over OO Years. The Kind You Have Always Bought The Contrary Child. Popley Little George wont take milk at all now. He used to take it but Mr. Popley (crossly) No, and its all on account of your imprudence. "My imprudence? Mr. Popley Yes, you allowed him to hear you say it was good for him. Mrs. COFFEE You can buy something called coffee at lQc lb with 3000 miles of R R freight from the roaster; dont. Your grocer returns your money if you Best, we pay him. dont like Schilling's Ancient City of Thebes. The city of Thebes had a hundred gates and could send cut at each gate 10,000 fighting men and 200 chariots In all. 1,000,000 men and 2,000 chariots. . (Copyright I had come all the way from Montana to make my fortune In New York city. On being driven to the boarding house in a formerly aristocratic portion of the city to which had been recommended, I learned that the place had been closed up. Noticing a sign on the opposite side of the street, I crossed over and mounted the stairs. I rang the bell here, heard footsteps within ere the echoes had died away, and the door was opened by a young girl, who asked me what I wished. For a moment I hesitated, but, recovering speech, told her my predicament. 'She looked at me and then at She seemed at least parmy trunk. tially satisfied by this scrutiny, for she said: "Wait a minute and I'll call ma." ' This proved to be unnecessary, for "ma had followed her to the door, and at that moment loomed up behind her. She was a tall, pale woman with jet black hair and a face in which all features seemed lost in a maze of wrinkles. Step inside a minute, she said, "and Elizabeth will watch your trunk. She ushered me into a parlor and me in a proceeded to manner that would have done credit to a lawyer. Where was I from? How did I come? When did I me to Who recommended Mrs. Belton? What was my business? All of which I answered truthHer daughter stood in the fully. hall and listened attentively. Apparently satisfied with her examination of her unexpected guest, the landlady said: "You can have the second floor, front, thats the best room we got. We havent any other boarders just now, but may have some later. All right, I replied, "anything will do for me I went out to get my trunk, and as I was bringing it in I overheard a discussion between the daughter and ma. The daughter said: He shan not sleep in that room its an outrage! It's no better than murder! Then the mother's voice, somewhat hesitating: "But he's young and strong, Elizabeth, and maybe he aint afraid of ghosts. I What's that about ghosts? asked. The elder woman was evidently emcross-examin- I e ? barrassed. "Oh, she said, haunted. they l the rooms I laughed. "That doesnt frighten me. I have always had a great longing to see a ghost. There was a serious, anxious look in the daughter's big brown eyes. "You dont know what it is, she exclaimed. We ourselves have never seen or heard any ghost, though we live in this house, but every man who slept in that room has been found dead the next morning, and the manner of his death has never been discovered. The door was locked on the inside and no sound -- as heaid. The physicians could never find out what id killed them. So this house has been known as the haunted house. We have lost ail our lodgers, and no one will come here any more. "Yes, added the elder woman, folding her hands, "this house is all my husband left me. He used to do a good business trading vith the West Indies in the fruit line, but with a mortgage, two years taxes unpaid, and no income, I dont know what were going to do. I confess I was at first somewhat staggered by the peculiarity of this haunted room. I had a supreme contempt for ghosts in general. The faces of both mother and aaugh-te- r plainly showed that t..ey spoke the truth, and there was a pathos in their voices that strongly inclined me to help them. The woman spoke up as if seized with a sudden hope. "Young man, she said, Til tell you If you'll sleep in that what I'll do. and find out about the room ghost, taking your chances after knowing all the facts and having fair warning, Ill give you board and rent free for a year, and thank you besides "Its a bargain, I exclaimed; Til do it. I seized my trunk and carried it up the stairway to the second floor. The woman preceded me, and, striking a match, lit the four jets of a chandelier that hung from the center of the ceiling. I sat down on one of the plush covered chairs when she had gone to think the matter over. My trunk contained some clothing, a few old books, and a shotgun. I had no fear of the two women, I believed them to be entirely honest. I went over every story I had ever read. I recalled trap doors, canopies that descended and smothered the occupants of the bed, panels that could I determined be moved noiselessly. to make a thorough examination of the room and watch the night out. If alive in the morning I would hold the lady to her bargain. If not, well, on i doesn't herd cattle and hunt in Montana without taking risks. 1 opened my trunk, took out my shotgun, fitted it together, and inserted a couple of No. 4 shells. If ghosts could stand that at close quarters I was quite willing to yield them the Laying my gun on the bed, palm. I looked carefully about the room. I sounded the walls carefully on every side, looked in and under the bed, and then, sharpening a small 1 ) piece of wood Into a wedge, I thrust It under the door leading into the hall way, thus rendering it impossible for anyone to enter even with a false key. A big clock in the room interested me. At a distance it resembled an old English clock, such as I had seen in many farm houses in the west, but a closer examination convinced me it was oriental work of some kind. It stood ip one corner of the room, near one of the windows, and was about five feet high. The carpet on the floor was light blue in color, and there were no cross seams to indicate any possibility of a trap door. I was puzzled, but I did not propose to take any risks. I arm chair pushed a comfortable against the wall between the two windows, and, with my shotgun across my knees, awaited the arrival of the I preferred to meet him or ghost. her in light rather than in darkness, if I must, so I left the gas burning. I heard a distant clock strike 12, and was reminded by it that this was the proper time for specters to appear. Ail was quiet, however, within. A couple of wearisome hours passed, and the distant clock struck two. I was beginning to feel ridiculous. I got up, walked around the room two or three times, and was just about to resume my seat when a curious sound within the room struck my ear. It seemed to come from the tall clock in the corner, and sounded as if its bell had been tapped very lightly. This was followed by a single tick-tacand I saw by a reflection of the light upon the brass that the pendulum was moving slightly. The next instant there issued from a space between the bottom of the door of the clock and the base what I for an instant took to be a thin stream of blood; I confess a slight chill ran over me from head to foot, but in far less time than I can tell it the stream of blood resolved Itself into a crimson-coloresnake about 18 inches in length, which began to wriggle over the carpet toward me. There was no time to think, I lifted my gun and blew the snake into rags. The report sounded deafening in the closed room. Almost immediately another snake somewhat larger than the first one crept out of the clock. I gave this one the other barrel, and then, not knowing how many more there might be, I rapidly reloaded my gun. I heard a woman shriek, footsteps coming along the street, and loud raps at the door below; then somebody I dared called my name from outside. not, however, remove my eyes from the clock. A mans voice called out: Open the door; what is the matter? You had better not try to open the "I am killing door yet, I answered. the ghosts, and heaven only knows how many more there may be. As no other snake came out I approached the clock and smashed in the glass door with the muzzle of my gun. Twined about the pendulum in a wriggling, writhing mass were a dozen or more small snakes about the thickness of a lead pencil and a few inches in length. Stepping back two or three Jeet I fired into the lot, and then with the butt of my gun crushed some which still seemed to show signs of life. By this time there was a furious hammering upon the door of my room. I kicked away the wedge and turned the key, and a policeman entered, followed at a distance by my landlady and her daughter and a' few cuiiou3 neighbors more or less dressed. What on earth, began the officer, but I answered by pointing to two crimson bodies on the carpet, one of which was still moving, though almost torn to pieces by the shot. "There are your ghosts, I said, addressing myself to the landlady, "but as I am not sure we have them all, you had better not come into the room. I dont know what kind of reptiles these are, but from the shape of the head I know them to be deadly venomous. The policeman, who knew the story of the house, simply ejaculated: "Good God! and beat a retreat toward the door. At my request an ax was handed in to me. I broke the clock into kindling wood and hammered the works flat, but found only one more of the progeny, scarcely larger than a match, in a crack of the wooi vork. I need not say that I didn't sleep in the room that night, for there was no certainty that the clock held the only nest. At daylight ail the furniture In the room was carried out, ripped up, and a thorough search made, but nothhhe remnants ing more was found, of (he snakes were sent to Washington where a learned professor of the Smithsonian them the pronounced deadliest species of viper known in the island of Martinique. Undoubtedly the reptiles had nested in this clock before it was sent on from the West Indies, and had for more than a year lived upon the mice which were plentiful in the old house, coming out at night, as is their habit, to sting to death any one who might be sleeping in the bed. My landlady held to her bargain, She not only gave and even more. me board and lodging free, but six morths later the band of her daughter. There have been no more ghosts at I confess .t was a No. 239, though long time before I had the courage to sleep in the second story front room. In the Same Boat. "We get some sad cases, said the That Will Interest All Suffering Attendant at the Lumpton lunatic Women. asylum to the interested visitor, and opened the door of the first cell. . Mrs. Della Meanes, 328 E. Front Inside was a man sitting on a three-legge"Seven stool, gazing vacantly at the says: Maysvllle, Ky., years St, ago I began to notice wall. His is an unhappy story, said the Bharp pain In the kidneys and a bear- attendant. "He was in love with a ing down sensation girl, but she married another man, hips, and he lost his reason from grief. through the dull headache and They stole out softly, closing the dizzy spells. Dropsy door behind them, and proceeded to appeared, and my the next inmate. This cell was thickly padded, and feet and ankles swelled so I could the man within was stark, staring not get my shoes on. mad. "Who is this? inquired the visitor. I was in misery, and had despaired of the attendant. "This? ever getting cured when I decided to repeated This is the other man!" Tatler. try Doans Kidney Pills. One box helped me so much that I kept on until enEXPANSIVE RECEPTACLE. tirely cured. Sold by all dealers, 50 cents a box. Foster-MilburCo., Buffalo, N. Y. mrtfo enna Cleanses tiro s a Laxative. 13est forMen)men an JCUJ and Old. To jet its ileneficial Effects ren-you- nd Always Luv the Genuine uhich has ine jull name oj the Company CALIFORNIA n IS IT POSSIBLE? Fig Syrup manufactured by vituim it is . flout of Co: printed on tlie package. SOLD BY ALL LEADING DRUGGISTS, bottle. 50t,--r one size only, regular price , SICK HEADACHE Positively cured by these Little Pills. They alo relieve Vi traaa from Dynpepsta.lM Hearty itlr ailon amlToo A , d Effect- ually, Dispo Lolas andileaii-arlieduo to Constipation; Acts naturally, acts Truly as Ls "Dear me! what an awful toothache you must have! Kid (thickly) Toothache nuthin'! aint got no pockets in dls suit of clothes, an have to carry me baseball in me mouth! I And who wore the people who first thought of music, auntie? Why, child, they are considered to be prehistoric. "Oh, auntie, how well you do re- A Fac-Simi- Signature le REFUSE SUBSTITUTES. It Cures While You Walk. is a ceitain cure for Allens Foot-Eiohot, sweating, callous, and swollen, aehing feet. Sold by all Druggists. Price 25c. Don't accept any sulwtitule. Trial package FRME. Addiesa Allen 8. Olmsted, l,e Roy, N. Y. TOUCH OF SATIRE. Must Bear Genuine Food as Church Tithes. in his Calendar says that in medieval times there was more food than money given for church tithes. Ilernaldo member!" JUST Eating. perfect rent dy for DUaintaa, Nau Met, Drowainea, Hiv4 Tattle in the Mouth, Coat ed Tongue, Pain In tike Hide, lOUFIl) LIVEO. They regulate the liowel. Purely Vegetable SMALL PILL. SMALL DOSE. SMALL PRICE, e Little Note That Probably Made Mean Employer Wince. Prof. Charles Zueblln, the brilliant and original sociologist of the University of Chicago, enunciated before the League of Political Education in New York a superb ppigram: "He who begins with saving to protect his family may end with neglecting his family to Bave. Discussing the dangers of immoderate saving Prof. Zueblln said the other day: "Its by saving immoderately that we come to inserting want advertisements like one I saw recently Wanted, capable office boy; salary, The winner Is he who gives himself to his woik, body and mind Chas. Buxton. KITH flt, ViliiR Itanc and Norvmis Plwnws perbv Dr Miiwr Narva KfNUref, imtiH'iitly on 8 ixl Hi h K trial Imltlonml tmitiw. Jr. U. 11. Kline, lxl., ikfl Arch 1'lnladi'lphia, la. (r rd People never help a man blow hii horn because they llker the music. Mr, Winslow Soothing: Ryrnp, For children teething, soften the gurus, reduce tty flinmUoQ, alley pelu, cure wind collu. 26c a bottle. Many a T""L I - I man Is unable wise-lookin- H ismpmr VV - rfYv--- to deliver the goods. a week. "A young man of Seminary avenue, noticing this advertisement, couldnt resist replying to it. His reply ran: I beg to offer you. my services. Should you require a premium I could furnish J500. You do not mention Sundays should I have to work on that day? Neither do you state whether the applicant must be clothed or not, but I have concluded that he must at least wear trousers, or he would be unable to carry home his wages.' " $1 fv I r?t ail (fl 1 Eccentricities of Genius. "Genius is freakish. It is claimed that the brilliant Dr. Johnson used to touch every post in his pathway. "I know one of them geniuses," And does he touch every post he comes across? No; he touches every friend he comes across, or everlastingly tries Louis v ille Corn to. Germanys Export of Feathers. Germany sends 29,000,000 feathers a year to England for millinery purposes, You wont toll your family doctor the whole story about your private illness you arc too modest. You need not heafi.tid to tell .Airs. 1 at Lynn, Mass., the tilings you could not explain to the doctor. Your letter w ill lx; held in the st ietost confidence. From her vast correspond cnee with sick women during the past thirty years she may have gained the very know ledge that will help your ease. JSucli let ters as the follow ing, from grateful women, establish beyond a doubt the power of THE FIRST TASTE ink-ha- Learned to Drink Coffee Baby. When a 1 If parents realized the fact that coffee contains a drug caffeine which is especially harmful to children, they would doubtless hesitate betore giving the babies coffee to drink. "When I was a child in my mothers arms and first began to nibble things at the table, mother used to give me sips of coffee. As my parents used coffee exclusively at meals I never knew there was anything to drink but coffee and water. "And so I contracted the coffee habit early. I remember when quite young, the continual use of coffee so affected my parents that they tried roasting wheat and barley, then ground it in the coffee-milas a substitute for coffee. "But it did not taste right and they went back to coffee again. That was long before Postum was ever heard of. I continued to use coffee until I was 27, and when I got into office woik, I be- LYDIA E. PIN KN AMS VEGETABLE COMPOUND to conquer all female Mrs. Norman U. For Preserving, Purifying and Beautifying the Skin, Scalp, Hair, and Hands, for Sunburn, Heat Rash, Chaflngs, and for all the purposes of the Toilet. fMd thmiuchout thi- - world Prrmln- - Iibdon 17, Hart 6 Hoc la IMix A n , Kytlnt v Jnt!ii,Jl k f htni, Hong K'liiij Dm to , J C'it Mnniya, Lid , ioklo, SoHh AfrWa. I .canon. I lltp.tn, , ( Jowu, etc , liiHfua, Fomin (ApbJuo, Alcwow. ape C B.A-rot- ter I Mill A l Lem Corj . Frofw Ho too. font-tru- e, Luilcuia Booklet ou the hkUk Charicrbmj-lla. R. 1 out mi , diseases. Larndt,of Allen- town, Ia., writes : Ever since, I was sixteen years of I had suffered from an organic derangement and female weakness; in consequence I had dreadful headaches and was extremely nervous. My physician said I must go through an operation to get well. A friend told ;ne about Lydia E. Pinkhams Vegetable Compound, and I took it and wrote you for advice, following your directions and thanks to you I am togan to have nervous spells. Especially carefully, a well woman, and I am telling day I I so was nervous after breakfast all my friends of my experience." could scarcely attend to my correage l, FACTS FOR SICK WOMEN. s For thirty years Lydia E. spondence. "At night, after having coffee for Pink-ham- supper, I could hardly sleep, and on Vegetable Compound, made rising in the morning would feel weak from roots and herbs, has been the and nervous. standard remedy for female ills, "A friend persuaded me to try Post- and has positively cured thousands of um. My wife and I did not like it women who have lieen troubled with at first, but later when boiled good displacements, inflammation, ulee raand strong it was fine. Now we tion, fibroid tumors, irregularities, would not give up Postum for the periodic pains, backache, that I searing-down best coffee we ever tabted. feeling, flatulency, indiges"I can now get good sleep, am free tion, dizziness, or nervous prostration. from nervousness and headaches. I i 'ol briMi kl.tMltrtfN l loctriuty.plumb--tc j, recommend Postum to all coffee drink, TT zm.ii 1 11 ini; 'J wo Unrlof nil ml work-no bokH. actual prutiii ers. are dmdod firnoug workmen. B'k of pp!di un H L F V. to Reason. a Mrl "Theres free. p,nd. I MuN ') to Lb Fast St, IjokAdi Ifh, laiilorntd. Name given by Postum Co., Battle YKAIjLH, Creek, Mch. Read "The Road toWell-ville,- " in pkgs. for Huainom hp illation. Mining, Alarr.auts and Ever read the above Ietter7 A new IL'fiHh. iMjr horofojwL all. radin fl (ive hour. dut. place. Samuel llnlr, htt.ii Ceutury Astrologer. Box L. Iropica California. one appears from time to time. They birili, human are genuine, true, and full of W. N. U.. Salt Lake City, No. 23, 1908. interest. i 'rn Ur4TFn UU TOILET ANTISEPTIC Keeps the breath, teeth, mouth and body antiseptically clean and free from un- and disagreeable odor, healthy germ-lif- e which water, soap and tooth preparation alone cannot do. A germicidal, disinfecting and deodorizing toilet requisite of exceptional excellence end economy. Invaluable drug and for inflamed eyes, throat and nasal and uterine catarrh. At toilet stores, 50 cents, or by mail postpaid. Large Trial Sample "HIALTH WITH AND BtAUTV" FLY KILI.FR DAISY a yCTs jtfww r f . aBw. aeacfr 4 N ,Y j anYlw larval ftttm tR-. fcll'i k i nil m.'Ml. 4. iirYHI son. 'v ail ! V, , p Abrcfoi ! 1 'll orilp ... I ""(nv"IK"taJure thl ASTROLOGY 11 lT rltt BOON THE PAXTON TOILET CO., Boston, Mas tiva. Ofalt . . 11 Urn lIMiHkUS, mix Vl'lIMXWSiunder Sal luruu aritntpt At., I A ur o Malawi |