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Show WJnv, September 'bvGjbi B MICHAEL KTU AN I . i Chicago Tribune - S WASHINGTON Matters have reached such an unpreaty pass in the soggy saga of e Clinton presidency that many patriotic Americans actually believed our missilmg the beje-u- s out of Islamic terrorists in the Sudan and Afghanistan was merely a cynical attempt to distract attention from overweight intern tamed fern me fat ale Monica Lewinsky. Worse, many opined that the whole alleged charade was inspired by a silly movie: "Wag the: Dog in which a political fixer Robert De Niro) and a flamboyant Hollywood producer (Dustin Hoffman) conspire with a flip, hard-casWhite House operative (Anne Heche) to cre -- -- -- e at his either than Harryor enterprise nitely more successful Linda Bloodworth Thomason, Arkansas-bred- , real and Hollywood producers Clinton chums involved in scripting the president's supposed way out of the Monica mess, and who no longer have a sitcom on television. And also, in "Wag." the OA doesn't believe any of the Albanian crisis crapola and succeeds in shutting the story down. When the Hoffman character tries to go public with his role in the media manipulation, the tnopey, rip-of- f, fully-grow- We are all found. , ' "It's great," he told Eve. "When you need a couple of yards, you can call a And when you need to get into the end zone uarter-back'snea- fast,you can throw a bomb. And when you want to be really tricky, there's the old Statue of Liberty play" '"What's a Statue of Liberty?" 'Eve asked. . don't know," Adam said, 1 w the intense, driven look in Eves eyes that he had set in -- motion a tidal wave of events. ? maybe this game shouldn't be played on grass. Maybe it is meant to be played on nylon, polypropylene, urethane and other plastics on k padding: 'that Icnow shrugging. "But 1 don't know covers a what a bomb or a blitz or a base!" nickel package are either, and "Now you're being ridicuthey're all part of the game. lous? Eve said. The answer is There are just two things I'm pretty tibvious: Shorter grass!" "Look 'Who's being ridicustruggling with." 'fl&rsC' Adam said, "I heed lous Adam saidTn case you 22 players, 'not counting the iaven't noticed, grass doesn't , kickers, ivho are just Utt&e fetshorter.lt gets longer. I know this because I've spent a bittyJbreign guys who never Jot of time watching the grass get Vbeir pants dirty 'whatever pants are. Uut I was grow since we got 'here. Theres number total the up counting nothing you can do to stop it of people we have in the world unless you cot it or somenoy, and 1 keep comihg up thing." t It was at that precise withjt wo. And I'm not sure where the other guys are going momen t in time that a conto wme from'." cept was 'born in Eve's mind. Eve 'hesitated. think that Adam ou'ld tell 'by the lt , 1 Bonnie loolc like breeze. He scrambled for a way to divert her attention, but chocolate hadn't been invented yet. NOW THAT I think of it," she said as ideas began swirling in her mind, "it would be nice if the lawn outside our place was shorter, too. And the trees should be ... 1 don't "know, less scraggly somehow. Trimmed. And those weeds in the garden need to come out. All of them. And we need more flowers. And a nice little picket fence. And some long. Well ity where I still find my family embarrassing. It's river rafting. You see my family is fortunate enough to own a raft and consequently every summer for the past few years we have gone to rivers and to do white-wat- er rafting. As a family we handle the raft pretty well. But for some reason we are constantly treat- Mark Hedengren is a dent at Brigham Young ed like first timers. Well not more like buffoons. And I think that I have first-time- THIS IS frustrating to me. Putting my family up against the backdrop of iron that hang out at most Whitewater areas and my family comes out looking like a barrel of monkeys. I really don't know how to deal with this. Asking them to change wouldn't do any good. 1 know I've tried it. I think you just learn to live with it. After all I'm part of them. rs stu- University. e And That's bow it started. Labor began immediately. Adam's new game was put on bold for several thousand years, or syndicated columnist who lives in American !Fbrk. Mark Hedengren that democracy. BUT LUCKILY it's not as bad for me now as it is for the younger people. Early in the teen-aglife around 13 or 14, this embarrassment is more acute. At this time, simply being seen with the family can be embarrassing. It's hard to be shown in your subordinate role as "the kid." lam happy to say I have mostly outgrown this stage. There is, however, one activ- - shrubbery along the "fence. Joseph Wdlkerisa nationally to-b-e For example the teen is like the "Dictator" of his life. Making snap decisions such as, '1 want to eat" After thinking that he can then immediately act on it. But when the teen is put with his family beshe has become a Dictator who has been overthrown. And for a sort of consolation prize is made a senator. So now when heshe thinks 1 want to eat a big hoopla takes place about where are we going to eat and how H urrica ne a summer zj cf txns found the reason. My mother giggles and my sister sings. Joe Cool Here I am trying muscles river guy, my shirt off, rippling, trying to get all those hot kayacker babes, and my mother is giggling to a background of "Michael rowed the boat ashore." plain slow. intense, driven look in her eyes that he had set in motion a tidal wave of events Witil the inven tion of the beer commercial. And it's just as 1well. Without work there 'would be no need for such diversions, no ijoy in resting from out labors, no Labor Day. But there would be plenty idf time to 'wa tch the grass grow. cJz cHcp Families. We all got them. part of them. And for the most part we like them. But there are times when they can be embarrassing. Especially during a family vacation, where the free wheeling teen becomes bound to the family unit. That is slow in making decision, slow in acting upon those decisions and just "A&ri cocld tell by multiplication tables you were supposed to be working on she said. "What's the other problem?" '"It's the coconut,'' Adam said. T "keep losing it in the grass. It really slows down the flow of the game if you have to stop and look for 'the coconu t every time someone drops a pass, which will be fairly frequently tintil I get someone to pass it to. I don't g d According to Mark Twain, the tjotion of labor began with women. No, not the Icind you do in a maternity ward. The kind you do at work, and around the house and around the yard. The kind that makes us sweat. The kind that makes us tired. The kind we celebrate every Labor Day, and do everything in our power to avoid the rest of the year. As I understand it (and with humble apologies to Twain), theooncept was horn outside thehumble cottage of Adam and Eve. Adam was out in the garden, trying to make up a game he could play with this cool oblong coconut he had that would make n, Award-winnin- Labor Day in the Garden of Eden has something to do with the Ifatf post-puber- ty Fcny vcccucns Joseph Walker feC5 incorrigible frat house capable of knocking off $100,000 in this truly disgusting but hilar- in a few lucky minutes in the ious 1978 sophomoric comedy. commodities market and (report"Big"; In that 1988 Tom edly) throwing heavy objects at Hanks hit, a boy those who displeased her, to a grows overnight into having the sweet little housewife whotood body of a fully mature man. In by her man" and baked chocolate the Clinton administration chip cookies. She also went from it's a perhaps drab mousy brunette in hideous who inhabits the glasses to glamorous blond in though fact, several different kinds of body of a not very mature, man. glamorous blond. Now, after all the world has The Three Faces of Eve"; In been fixated on the Monica this 1957 Academy classic, Joanne Woodward story for seven months, she plays a woman suffering from reveals she only just learned multiple personalities, each of what was going on a week ago even though the month which completely takes over her person in turn, often having before she had blamed it on the nation's deep, abiding prejudice no idea what the other personalities have been up to. against Arkansas. Actually, I don't think the Surely this has inspired First went who Clintons have been inspired by Clinton, Lady Hillary from a sharp-eyelady lawyer. this at all, but here's hoping. killed. In real life, the actual CIA has been terribly worried about current global terrorist threats to the US. and provided the intelligence used for the missile attacks. Instead of whacking Hollywood producers, the real Secret Service has been testifying to the grand jury about Clinton's frolicsome visitors. But think of all the many other movies the soggy Clinton saga resembles: '"Animal House": Former President George Bush ran his White House like one of those Skull and Bones exclusive clubs he used to belong to at Yale. Judging from Monica's testimony and Kathleen Willey's revelations, the Clinton Oval Office has functioned more like John looking, more talented and infi- , KSfcsa TJag rnwo,lMi the Secret Service has him Belushfs culpa speech no one paid any attention at all, even though could read his official letter on the White House Web site!!! i Also, the Dustin Hoffman character in "Wag is far better ate a phony military crisis involving Albania to distract from a fictional (ha ha) president's pitching woo at some sort of girl scout. This is, of course, absurd. For all the similarities to "Wag die Dog," the Clinton saga has just as many pronounced differ- ences. For example, when the "Wag the Dog" president fraudulently announces the dispatch of American troops to Albania, the fake story is gobbled up and spewed forth by every television network in the country. When Clinton actually did announce the sending of 200 actual Marines and 10 certifiable Navy SEALS to Tirana, Albania on Aug. 18, jatit one day after his gruesome attempt at a nationally televised mea ohlSvess, 2, WW, THE DAILY HERALD, inert 1 Come See 20 Spectacular Pon&! Tear Honrs: Fny$epterober4th 12--7 jun. Saturday-Septemb5th 1 5 p.m. Ticket may he purchased at: 0-- er oiscn's saDcsn sciopps talk 118) West C3Horrh fayson,tftat)$4SS1 Tickets; t 4i St8-- 5 CUtS9i Sunday UL wMiia " m. m aw 1801-343-073- 7 Free , 1998 Utah State Burt : it Fatih SeiTs aoio Rodeo Seit. i 0-- 13 there's someAirij for trwryene! i , 1 .... - . - |