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Show B Monday, June 22, 1992 The Daily Herald Even at the opera, golf is a 'round' Have you ever tried to plan a romantic evening with your sports fan? You know, a night that includes men with black ties instead of shirts, listening to music instead of whistles and an intermission instead of a halftime? It's difficult at best. ; Last week we went to a dinner theater. It was actually an opera, biit I didn't tell-mhusband Jhat until after dinner as the lights started to dim for the performance. My husband isn't barbaric, but he has the same intrinsic need for cultural exposure in his life as a fish has for a bicycle. oJ r Shelly Ncrmsn Confession of a sports widow ' While he didn't know we were seeing an opera, he did know it was a dinner theater. Still it was all I could do to convince him that a T- ctiirt on4 o rnr rf chrtrtc to nAt qt . ' after I got him talked into the tie, he ; still insisted on wearing his tennis ; shoes to accessorize his outfit. I : guess he thought someone might want to challenge him to a foot race or something. ' We (actually, the correct pronoun , iiviv MJ A j uiriivu uiv iiviuiui tj with us. I was afraid my husband '. jo i. might react adversely when he ' found nut it was reallv an onera and he would behave more ap- -. propriately if we were with people 'whom he would have to see again. I You sort of have to use your best manners with people who can look .across the street and see into your . .windows (I didn't take into considthat my husband and "Mr. ' eration "Neighbor" occasionally golf togeth-- . 'i hoped , er.) When the maitre de led us to our between the place table, mere was a gift box and a card. settings The box looked suspiciously like the kind you would use to give someone jewelry in like a watch or a necklace. Fleetingly, the thought crossed my mind that I would just love a pearl necklace. I had no idea my and . husband was so considerate concerned about people (like me) who don't wear cleats and helmets. And actually, come to find out, he isn't. It turned out, we were seated at Table "M" and the gift was intended for a lucky someone at Table "N." Goodbye, pearls. The tables, thankfully, were set for six people. That paired us with .'one other couple whom we hadn't I met before. These were nice people and complete strangers. So the cpn- yersation should have centered around something we all had in common, right? So here we are (at an opera mind you) and the next thing I knowT the ..11 men are an laucing aooui gou. isn i it amazing how "opera lovers" share a passion for golf? I guess, in truth, the really amazing thing here is that three culture buffs could drag out to an their first in the place. opera At some point during the dinner I made the idle comment that I wondered how the babysitter was getting along. "Mr. Complete Stranger" told me that a statement like this would ruin the mood of the evening . for my husband. I think he probably : meant die "mood of spending a romantic evening out with your wife." . But knowing my husband as I do, ' I doubt very much that a comment about our baby would ruin, or even distract, his real "mood of eating a meal, enduring French singing, and - daydreaming about the golf tourna- -' ment he was playing in the next i 11 1 1.T sports-nut-husban- ds - She's alarmed by the Perot Dads can heal daughters' fraurcaa He wasn't there for her when she was growing up While fathers take a pretty substantial hit in Secunda's new book, it should be noted that two years ago she penned "When You and Your Mother Can't Be By RICHARD SCHEININ Knight-Ridd- Newspapers er Oh Daddy , you blew it. You were silent and distant, slumped behind your newspaper or comatose in front of the television set. You were more interested in your son than your daughter and look what happened. She grew up and married someone as disengaged as you. Then she got Friends" (Delacorte Press, $19.95), putting lots of blame on the other parent. In that book she identified: the Critic, the Smotherer, the Doormat, the Avenger and the Deserter as types of Bad Mommies who emotionally cripple their daughters to keep them close. She also categorized the daughters Angels, Ciphers, Troublemakwho spend their ers, Defectors lives in an impossible struggle to please. For the new book, Secunda, who interviewed 75 fathers, was "dismayed but not surprised" by more cheerless findings. The "paternal silence" of the typical father, she says, causes girls to equate love with emotional deprivation. The distance that most fathers put between themselves and their daughters as puberty n approaches and Daddy is afraid of being aroused by his "little girl" makes many young women uncomfortable with their sexuality. divorced. And Dad, it's your fault. But you can still make amends. This is what Victoria Secunda says in her new book, "Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life" (Delacorte Press, $22.50). "It's extraordinarily depressing," she concedes. "But fathers can make up for a lot of things. They can sit down with their grown-u- p daughters and say, 'I'm not the same person at 45 that I was at 25. 1 have this feeling that I've contributed to some of the pain in your life, that I wasn't there for you when you were growing up. And I'd like to talk about Supera-chiever- it.' "Once that culpability is expressed," says Secunda, 53, a e writer and lecturer on sexual issues who and family lives in New York, "once he shows that he feels a sense of loss over what he's done, then the relationship can be repaired." But what a repair job. away and I saw my father on weekends. He stayed with friends two blocks away, so I trotted over to his apartment and we had our day. But that doesn't make for much of a relationship. "So what happens is you tend long-tim- Then they grow up and marry the only silent, repressed men kind of men they know who in turn become silent, repressed husbands and fathers. And so the whole pitiful cycle "Most of the 150 women I in- repeats itself. "Your expectations of men terviewed didn't have that strong connection with their fathers," come from your childhood exSecunda continues. "I was pectations of your father," says amazed at the number of women Secunda. "My father was a naval who told me, 'The only time I felt officer. He was stationed in I had a daddy was when he Washington, D.C., where we strolled down the aisle beside me lived, and he was gone for weeks with the tears streaming down his at a stretch. Then after the war, face.' That's sad." my parents separated, we moved In all fairness, Secunda says both boys and girls are "under-fathered- ." Dads just can't bring themselves to have discussions with sons or daughters, it seems. The "nurturing father" is largely a myth: He's all weeks and talk, works heart-to-hea- rt to idealize Daddy and create these fantasies to explain your experiences. And then you tend to 80-ho- ur come down on Mom, because she's the one who's in your face all the time. Because Daddy's ab- sent." Secunda's parents split when she was 7. Her mother remarried when she was 11, and history repeated itself: "My stepfather was another distant father, really an introspective man. This man just wouldn't talk to me. I mean, this guy was a physician, but when I would ask him about sex, he would say, 'Go ask your mom.'" Likewise, Secunda's first husband was the silent type. It took 1 1 years of marriage to this man, divorce and "centuries of therapy" for Secunda to break out of the cycle. In 1976, she met photographer Shel Secunda, "a very emotional man, such a nurturing guy," she gushes. "I said, 'You're for me, kid.' He's just wonderful. When I'm writing a book, he cooks the meals, he does the laundry.... I was comfortable with that. I wouldn't hardly sees the family. He's Robert Young with a ponytail. Even so, dads drive their boys to succeed to hit home runs in little league, to get the jobs that pay the big bucks. Girls, in this age, are still sent mixed signals about their innate value as human beings. And the results are "The women who have the most consistent orgasmic rate," Secunda says, reciting one study, "are the ones whose dads played an important role in their emotional development and were there in setting expectations, not being a buddy, but maintaining the parental stance. "These fathers are not ambushed by their daughters' growing up," she goes on. "They tend the relationship. to They become more of a mentor to their daughters and respect the fact that their daughter is becoming a woman, talking to her about sex if she has questions, not turning it all over to Mommy .... post-femini- st re-fra- Information saved men with breast cancer Dear Ann Landers: A few weeks ago, my husband read your column alerting readers to the fact that men can get breast cancer. He was aware that there was quite a variance between his left and right breasts, but since he didn't know that men could get breast cancer, he didn't do anything about it. After reading your column, he went immediately to our family doctor, who examined him and ordered a biopsy. The results showed that he did indeed have a malignancy. Within three days, my husband had a complete mastectomy. The surgeon removed the nodes from under his left arm as well. He got through the operation beautifully and the prognosis for a complete recovery is very promising. I am writing to thank you, Ann, because I firmly believe that you A have saved my husband's life. Grateful Wife in Wheeling, West Ann Landers J Mjip Advice Columnist examination, I could tell by the doctor's face that he was con- cerned. A biopsy was ordered and in nothing flat my husband was in surgery. The lump WAS cancerous, but thank God, they got it all. There are no words to thank you for the service you performed by printing that column. It is no exaggeration to say that you are truly a do." By JEANE DIXON For June 23 ARIES (March 19): Complications could arise where travel or a financial matter is concerned. Do your best to avoid a direct confrontation with higher-up- s. 20): The full TAURUS (April impact of an early-morni- surprise might not hit you until tonight. Plan on having a quiet evening, thinking over the events of the day. Share a secret with mate. 20): By the GEMINI (May time you get to work, your mind will be full of creative ideas you want to try. Members of your team seem glad to cooperate. Ingenuity will increase your earnings. CANCER (June 22): Contact with other people may not bring much pleasure if they insist you participate in their activities. Try to be diplomatic. Put more zip into romance by planning special outings. LEO (July 22): Fortune smiles on you today. A new Job, needed loan or educational goal moves within reach. Traveling in connection with your career boosts your prestige. 22): Your coVIRGO (Aug. workers could send out mixed signals ly I immediately sensed a problem and asked, "Why are you bringing this up?" He then told me that he had noticed a lump in his left breast several weeks before but thought nothing of it. Now, he said, after reading that column, he was a bit uneasy. That very day, we went to our family doctor together. After the By JANE SUMNER Dallas Morning News - Since 1986, Gail DALLAS Sheehy has been a contributing editor of "Vanity Fair," where she established a new genre of political writing. In 1991, her profiles of world leaders earned her the "Washington Journalism Review" Award for Best Magazine Writer in America. Too busy now on her book tour to lifesaver. Thank you, dear Ann, Mrs. G in Cinand God bless. cinnati Dear Readers: What a week this has been! I received similar letters from Atlanta, Los Angeles, Williamsburg, Va., and Toronto. Now you know why I love this work so much and have no plans to retire. Dear Ann Landers: This is in response to "Gagging in Oregon," who wrote to complain about the nuisance and uselessness of neckties. He is right. The necktie is con- sidered by some an overpriced fashion statement that makes no sense. Its father, however, the ascot, and its grandfather, the kerchief, were much less expensive and served a useful purpose. They kept the dust out of your face and were used to wipe honest sweat, sling a broken arm, dress wounds and be a sunshade. Some of us, however, still appreciate the neatness of the necktie, regardless of the flawed fashion analysis of people who run from one cocoon to another cocoon home to car to office . Wearing a tie for eight hours a day is a small price to pay to be civilized. The man who thinks it is cumbersome can always find an employer who wants to look at his hairy chest under his unbuttoned shirt front. Scarved, Hatted and Vested in Vermont can- didate Ross Perot, Sheehy says eventually she will write something on the Texan. "I'm more interested in the Perot phenomenon than I am in Perot," Sheehy says. "I see a revival of the kind of desperate desire for a daddy and a hero that we expressed through Rea: gan. Only this is a 'doing' daddy; With Reagan, it was a daddy who would give us the revival of the American dream. This daddy is the doer, the father the disciplinarian, the tough-lov- e daddy. "And most of the American public is willing to submit to him with-- : out knowing the first thing that he stands for. And so I think it tells more about us than it did about him. I did this book on Gorbachev, so I watched a phenomenon that is not unlike what I see here. "(In Russia) there was the big lie that everybody had to submit to ... And because this closed society was which was opened by Gorbachev his greatest contribution the peothat then all know 'We said, ple communism is a failure.' Once those voices reached a deafening cry, and they went into the streets, not even the repressive nothing could apparatus of the Kremlin change that. "I think the American public has y come to the conclusion that our system is a failure, and there's some element of the fever that swept through Eastern Europe and the Soviet Union sweeping across the two-part- country. Our belief in our system has been sustained by world events, but we find ourselves frightened by the future and so prematurely ready to surrender basic tenets of our system. . Dear Vermont: Thanks for striking a blow for men's WSJ, Why settle for just any any sewing machine or serger? Check this Wednesday's Lifestyle. HOBfQCGGRO Va. Dear Grateful: Thank you for a letter that made me extremely happy. And now, meet Mrs. G. from Cincinnati: Dear Ann Landers: Several days ago, my husband handed me the section of the paper he was reading at the breakfast table. "Do you have faith in what Ann Landers says?" he asked. I replied, "I certainly do." He then said, "Ann says in her column today that men can have breast cancer and that they should examine themselves for lumps the same way women phenomenon profile undeclared presidential "Once he (father) shows that he feels a sense of loss over what he's done, then the relationship can be repaired." Victoria Secunda, author of "Women and Their Fathers" s, deep-dow- have been comfortable with it in my 20s, because I equated love with loss. I would've thought he was a wimp." today. Play a waiting game until they reveal their true agenda. A chapter of your personal life is coming to a close. LIBRA (Sept. 22): A fortunate trend helps you to move forward on the job and in your personal affairs. By the evening, however, various complications could arise. Express your concerns to your loved ones. SCORPIO (Oct. 21): Pursue your work objectives with real zeal if you want to reap the full benefits of today's auspicious aspects. Let others know what you need. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 21): Look forward to another favorable day for your ideas and proposals. Influential people are willing to back you in every way. Those in private enterprise could reap windfall profits. CAPRICORN (Dec. 19): Take advantage of an opportunity to catch up on paper work. A lucrative real estate deal may be in the offing. Replace bad eating habits with healthy ones. g. warp style, soft comfort Leave It to Naturallzer to design a shoe that ofers style that sharpens your workday look, comfort that lasts all day measures up to your demand for value. In all at a price that BLACK SMOOTH, BLACK SHINY, TAUPE, NAVY, RED. c. n. AQUARIUS (Jan. b. 18): You and a loved one could be at odds over a financial matter. Take the long view instead of lashing out. Time will show who was right. PISCES (Feb. 20): Increasingly frequent differences of opinion with your mate could cause uneasiness. .day.". " ' 1 1 J- ' Now I don't want to sound ungrateful because then he might not take me anywhere again. The date was fun, even with the "golf talk" and without the pearl necklace. - I have heard that a romantic eve-- ; hing sometimes puts people in the mood to "play around. "It comes as a surprise to me, however, that means ' 'play a round of golf. cathy by Cathy Guisewite I ADD THANK YOU, AND AMY TO UN PERSONAL WELCOME "THE LAST RESORT HEALTH SPA. ITS GOOD TO SEE SORE NEW FACES AS WELL AS SOME HOtTVE BEEN (WEN SCHEDULES) AND HAD A R LECTURQ ON PHYSIOLO&Y, KINESIOLOGY, DETOXIFICATION AND NUTRI ITS A LOT TO A850R8, ANYONE HAS ANY I'LL HAPPY PC BUT If FwHCfS SEEN HERE BEFORE MD QUESTIONS, TO ANSWER. HOW FAT WERE THEV THE LAST i innnr-innn- ri TIME??! n TIONAL 0VNAMICS. VlfiS FAMILIAR ONES. University Mall, Orem 5 " 3 ' If the one you love loves sports and it's getting him or her in foul trouble with you, write it down and send it to Shelly Norman, co The Pro- Daily Herald, P.O. Box 717, vo, Utah 84603. J ii ft ft " " 11 ft |