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Show 6 Also in this section: Weddings F5,6 Lifestyle ArtsEntertainment F7,8 " Sunday; August 23, 1991 F, Adopt with awareness : By SHARON M. HADDOCK Herald Staff Writer " Adoptive parents need to be prepared for some rough years with their teenagers particularly if the children were abandoned or orphaned during infancy. - If not, the trials that come will hit as a rude shock, says a local mother of nine adopted children. Donna Max and her husband John have been foster parents to 38 children. They have adopted six boys and three girls, including three children from Costa Rica. Donna lectures for LDS Social Services, teaching new parents of special needs children how to handle the stresses they take on. She and other parents who adopted babies from Costa Rice ten years ago are concerned that parents currently adopting from Romania are unaware and thus unprepared for the tremendous challenges ahead oi them. "I'm not saying, 'don't adopt'," emphasized Max in an earlier interview at her home. "As an adoptive parent, I felt I was prepared, and that I was prepared for what was to come, where in reality I was not. I don't think anyone really is totally prepared, but you can save yourself a lot of concerns later if you use wisdom at the outset. - "Again, I'm not saving don't adopt. I'm thrilled that we adopted. But I had no idea it would require so many skills above and beyond 'normal' parenting skills. "You will be taken to the absolute limit" Prospective parents need to ask themselves if they can cope emotionally as well as financially with the problems that will surface. Most of the children who come from orphanages are emotionally three to five years behind their peers. Parents therefore will need to understand that their success in parenting may not show up for three to five years beyond their expectations. Abandoned or neglected babies rage at their pain with nowhere for that rage to focus, explains Max. When such a baby becomes a teenager, that rage often fixes upon the adoptive parent, even in a loving environment. . Again, a parent can deal with the suppressed rage better if he or she in anticipating the problem. "Be prepared for trouble," warns Max. "Don't think it won't happen to you." ' Parents with education and abundant experience in parenting run up against the same walls, she added. "We used to feel that you could avoid certain problems by just taking a child out of a bad environment and giving them a good loving home," said Max. "Everything would turn out roses. I no longer believe that. Genes play a vital part in the raising of these children." Max cites cases where a child never knew or spent any time with a natural parent yet exhibited very similar patterns and personality traits to that parent "I do believe the home has an influence, but I no longer believe that it is the overriding influence. "There are many things to the makeup of the natural parents; the environment from which the children came; concern for the relationship between siblings, natural children and adoptive children; spacing between these children; finances available, etc." Max has watched every family that adopted during the rush to adopt Costa Rican children wrestle with financial, spiritual, marital and emotional stress. "Most of the couples who adopted ten years ago as we did became caught up in the emotion of it all, the thrill of an immediate family, the dream of giving these children a home and a family ... love and hope. consider I'm thrilled that we adopted. But I had no idea it would require so many skills above A JL Jiff i 1tgb$M : "It was nothing to take up to six or eight or more children. Today, I see all of them dealing with some horrendous problems, some financially bereft due to the overwhelming emotional problems experienced by their children and the expenses involved in solving these. "Others face stress far above their capacity. Tough love groups are filling up; parents are striving to find answers." Children who failed to bond with their natural mothers "almost always require therapy of some sort," said Max. These types of teenagers get into trouble with society and cause upheavals in the home and A Wm in the neighborhoods. "Surprisingly, this can come from children you have raised from babies as well as from older children," added Max. Children who feel no real sense of who they are, are much more open to the influence of drugs, sex and alcohol. They lie, steal and vandalize, lean more heavily on entitlement "I didnt ask to be here. You brought me here; now you owe me." Max would like to caution the families adopting children from foreign countries to be completely realistic in their approach. "As with most of our friends who adopted when we did, we Photo courtesy of Kiddie Kandids twins Juliana Ruth Grant and Cristian Lee Grant are part of the instant family adopted from Romania by Tommy and Barbara Grant of Two-year-o- ld don't regret it. But we certainly could have made it easier on ourselves and the children by better spacing of the children we took, by getting more information on the background of the children, by limiting the number so you can deal with individual problems more on a basis. "The more personalities you one-to-o- ne image Vernal The Grants also adopted , four-year-o- ld have dealing with problems, the more they tend to influence those around mem and the problems multiply." "It will require tremendous patience and love and a lot of reteaching of principles," said Max. "My advice to these parents would be to say, be prepared to hang in there." an government closed the doors to American adoptive couples. Their "miracle family" wfJl expand when Mrs. Grant delivers in April. Adoption can be issue of anxiety for teenager Today's teenagers are dealing with intense pressure. When a child is adopted, the issue of adoption becomes one more to deal with. Local therapist John Burr, program director for the adolescent unit at Charter Canyon Hospital, says if an adopted child is one who was abandoned or neglected for years before the adoption, that adds still more issues. "I don't really see all adoptive children having problems. Some handle it just fine. It's going to be an issue, however, throughout their lives. "Kids today almost go from to adulthood. Our society pushes them out of the nest. Add on the pressure of adoption to these other heavy pressures..." "How the family handles it and how openly they talk about it makes a big difference." Burr said most adoptive children feel a need to understand the circumstances surrounding their adoption; why their parents gave them up and what happened with them. "There's always a sense of not belonging, particularly if there's a skin color difference or something that makes them obviously different from their parents." "When we help them see the adoption in a different light, they can often go on and deal with other problems more effectively." By the time they come to Charter Canyon, the children are using adoption as a way to argue with their parents, commented Burr. "They'll bring up issues like 'I'm not really yours' or 'I don't belong' as a way to use it against the parent." The children feel isolated, wonder if they are not OK. Families ought to prepare for more difficulty when a child has been adopted at an older age, he said. He or she will probably have more trouble bonding, trusting, and dealing with intimate rela- culture or race need to have information about their heritage. Burr recommends that parents research as much as possible and talk openly with the child about his homeland, his birthright. "Love them, be patient. Help them gain a real sense of belonging." In the LDS culture, adopted children are often "sealed" to their family through a temple ceremony and that contributes to the child's sense of "really" belonging, he said. He recommends early intervention if a child consistently mentions a concern with his or her ce or longer. Through LDS Social Services, the birth mother using nonidenti-fyin- g information is assisting in the choosing. "She's looking at issues: Does the mother work? Are the couple happily married? Do their inteiests parallel her own?" . . . . We acknowledge more than we did before that the child comes in with his or her own programming. blue-eye- ) three-year-o- ld Mariana Ionela and are workto whose adoping get a tion was suspended when the Ronuuri- - Information sharing is crucial for success Today's adoptive couples are prepared with as much information and resource availability as possible says an LDS Social Services practioner. Thomas K. Baxter said there's a healthy sharing of information that did not exist 20 years ago. "We live in a climate of openness, with an increased number of people interested in knowing who they are. Two decades ago, people tried to close their minds and insist theirs would be a 'normal' family no matter what that picture included." "People often come in with a picture that may not match reality," said Baxter. "They're lookd white ing for a blond, infant when the number of available infants that match that description aren't there." Only four or five percent of the unwed mothers in the United States today are relinquishing their babies. The vast majority elect to keep the child and raise it themselves or the maternal grandparents take the child. '"We try to help them see what's really possible." ' Adoptive parents face a period of waiting that could be a year Jih (k and beyond 'normal' parenting skills. anyway. " Jf? The agency looks at financial stability and processes the couple or family through a series of interviews that includes a home study. The family environment, the neighborhood, extended family relationships and medical his- tories are reviewed. The adoptive parents are educated in areas where their child may have special needs. "Nowadays when they adopt, it's not the same as it was. We used to look at this almost in a storybook fashion. Now we em- avenues, handicapped services, support groups. "We are available to the birth mother and the new family for their lifetime," said Baxter. Couples are helped through the with it." grieving process that accompaThe majority of adoptions go nies their acknowledgement of wonderfully well, added Baxter. their infertility and choice to "But we acknowledge more than adopt. Panels of birth mothers we did before that the child, are invited to share their feelings comes in with his or her own with couples considering adopprogramming. The parents need tion. to prepare for those differences. "That really heightens their "For instance, in adolescence, of sensitivity to the natural level the child will have one more said Baxter. mother," issue to deal with; 'Why was I given up'?" (Unwed fathers are included in LDS Social Services tries to the process as much as possible.) help by encouraging the birth Generally it is recommended mother and the new family to that adopted children be younger exchange letters, pictures and than siblings in a family. gifts during the first six months. Baxter said the agency urges "The birth mother has a parents to inform the child of his chance to express herself to her or her adoption "from day one", child and when that baby is a in a manner that treats the adopteenager, the parents can pull tion as special and rewarding. that letter out and it often helps Couples who adopt ease the child's anxieties, about children are encouraged jo learn the child's biologicalidentity about and understand the child's links." natural culture. "It's important LDS Social Services helps couthat they understand how important it is to make that culture ples to be resource knowledgeable. They keep and share lists of part of the child's life." counseling phasize that they are adopting a human being from another genetic pool other than their own with all the problems and unique conditions that may go along bi-rac- ial tionships. Children adopted from another adoption. . "Be aware. Parents need not to be blind. Be aware of who they're adopting so they can prepare and go into it knowing what to expect." "I guess if a parent just ak nowledges there may well be some issues, that's half the battle. They just need to know that's very likely in some situations." Burr said while adopting brother-sister sets or sibling groups may bring on some additional challenges, it can also help the children feel a sense of unity and sameness with one another. "Is it scary? I think there have to be some loving families to adopt several children. It can be really neat. The children would all be going to school with the same issues. They could sit around the dinner table and share experiences." Burr suggests parents support their adoptive children's effcrls to know more about their birth parents if the cliildren initiate the quest. "It can be a type of bonding experience for them." Parents sometimes fear the child will forget them or cease to love them once they find their "real parents", he said. "I don't think they need to worry about ; that. If the child does not get answers to his questions, his fears about himself will probably com: pound themselves, he said. d, '. : |